My Blue

by Jacobs, Emery

  “Before you go, I need you to understand that what Asa said isn’t true. I would never—” My throat tightens as I fight back tears.

  “I believe you, Blue, so please don’t waste your worries on me,” he whispers before kissing the top of my head.

  Inhale. Exhale. Just breathe.

  Leo pulls away from me and I look up into his eyes. “Hey, I need to head out, and you need to go back inside and talk to them. I don’t have a whole lot going on, so text me later on today if you need to talk.”

  I toss his last statement around in my mind. Text me later on today if you need to talk. What does that even mean? He’s not coming back once I kick Asa out of my house? Dammit, Asa, I’m not about to let your lying, cheating ass ruin what I’ve managed to build with Leo the last few days. I’m struggling with so many damn emotions right now: anger, fear, confusion, anxiety. I just want everything to be easy. I don’t want to have any doubts about my memories or my life.

  “Um…okay, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” It’s really hard to force the words out without crying and begging him to stay, but I manage it. I give him a fake smile so maybe he’ll think I’m okay, and I guess he does because he shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and walks away from me without so much as a goodbye.

  26

  Ella Blue

  “Please tell me you didn’t have sex with him.” Gracie’s green eyes glare at me as I walk back inside the house.

  I immediately search the room for Asa because he’s the last person I want to be privy to my personal life.

  “He’s in the bathroom,” Gracie says, still glaring at me as I make my way to the couch.

  “I didn’t.”

  “Thank God. At least you’ve got enough sense not to fall into bed with some random guy from your past.”

  I laugh because for someone who is supposed to be my best friend, she has no clue about my life.

  “The only reason I didn’t sleep with Leo is because he wouldn’t.”

  “Have you lost your mind?” Her eyes widen and her face has I’m so fucking sorry written all over it when she realizes what she just said.

  “Uh, yeah, I guess I have kind of lost my mind, at least some of it—the last eight years to be exact. Thanks for reminding me, friend.” I roll my eyes and plop down on the couch.

  “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that—it just slipped out. I’ve probably said that to you a hundred times over the last few years.” Gracie makes her way over to the couch and sits on the floor in front of me. “Like the time you hopped on the back of a motorcycle with a guy you met thirty minutes before, or the time you tried to stand on the table and strip at the bar down the street from the dorm we were living in.”

  “Oh my God, please tell me I was shitfaced drunk and you stopped me.” I wince at the thought of being so reckless.

  “Yes, you’d had one too many shots of tequila, and I did stop you. As you can see, I’ve said ‘Have you lost your mind?’ many times over the years. I promise I would never intentionally hurt your feelings. I’m so sorry I let it slip.” Gracie scoots in closer and rests her hands on the couch next to me. “Shit, I feel terrible.” She shakes her head and then rests it on the couch. “First I bring my dumbass cousin here, and then I start digging around in your business.” Her voice is low and muffled.

  Dammit. Now I feel terrible—for her. “Don’t apologize. I know you didn’t mean it like it sounded. This memory-loss thing is hard on all of us, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to tiptoe around my feelings. I’ll be okay…eventually.” I push the words out around the lump in my throat. God, I hope I’ll be okay.

  “So Leo…” Gracie giggles as her eyes meet mine. “He’s pretty hot. Not my type, but hot.”

  I need someone to talk to other than Leo, but it seems weird talking to Gracie. I believe she was—is—my best friend; I’m just still a little untrusting.

  “What do you mean, not your type? You don’t even know him.” Now I’m being defensive, but why? I wish my head would just work right.

  “I don’t know Leo, but I met him the night of the concert.”

  “I don’t understand…” I swallow hard and then wait for Gracie’s response. How could she have possibly met him?

  “His car was stolen and he was in the parking lot talking to the cops. I happened to be on the bus but didn’t really see anything. He questioned me about it and that was about it until I saw him again inside the bar. This time he was looking for you, or should I say trying to get backstage to you.” She tilts her head to the right and smiles. “I guess you could say he was very adamant about seeing you and I was very unsure of him—oh, and extremely protective of you. I thought he was some crazy fan at first, but after a few minutes of listening to him, I believed he was actually a friend of yours.”

  “He told me about his car being stolen, but not until after he got it back. He said he didn’t want me to worry,” I tell her. I bit my lip and close my eyes as I try to remember if he mentioned looking for me after the concert, but I get nothing. I just wish my mind would open up and set my memories free. Don’t force it, Ella.

  I blink a few times and bring my attention back to Gracie. “I guess Leo can come across as kind of a jerk at times, but he’s really a good guy. He was the only guy I dated when I lived here. We grew up together, you know…best friends. Didn’t I ever mention him?”

  Gracie wrinkles her forehead and taps a finger against her chin. “No, never mentioned a high school boyfriend at all. You never really even talked about living here in Idlewood. Honestly, Ella, you never talked about your past at all, or your parents either. You mentioned your grandmother a few times, but other than that you just lived in the present.” Gracie jumps up from the floor and sits down beside me on the couch. “You’re still my best friend and I hope one day you’ll remember.” She leans in and gives me a side hug before resting her head on my shoulder.

  Why didn’t I ever mention my past to Gracie? I can’t imagine never telling her about Leo. Maybe I was protecting myself from the memories.

  “I know it’s only been a few days, but I’ve missed my friend,” Gracie says as she squeezes me tighter.

  I rest my head against hers. “I promise I’ll find my way back. You just have to be patient with me and not get upset that I’m spending so much time with Leo.”

  “Are y’all gonna kiss and shit? Because if you did, that would be so fucking hot.” Asa’s deep voice pulls my attention away from Gracie.

  “You’re fucking sick. I’m your cousin, in case you’ve forgotten, you nasty motherfucker!” Gracie yells.

  Asa laughs. “Damn, Grace, what the hell? You know I was just fucking around.”

  “Don’t ever—” Gracie sucks in a deep breath. “Just don’t. You make me sick.” She gags and shoves off the couch.

  Asa directs his attention toward me. “So, where’d your new boyfriend run off to?”

  I’m not playing his games today. I just want him gone. “I want you to leave,” I demand.

  He moves toward me wearing the smirk that usually gets him whatever he wants with most women, but it won’t work on me ever again.

  Once he reaches the couch, he drops to his knees directly in front of me. Irritation and annoyance are the only two thoughts that flicker through my mind as his gaze meets mine.

  “Why is it that you’re still here?” I shift on the couch, moving as far away from him as possible.

  “Give me five minutes, Ella, please. You owe me at least that much.”

  I laugh softly. “I don’t really think I owe you anything. What little bit of memory I have of you is not good.”

  Gracie moves across the room and plants herself on the black leather chaise lounge, never taking her eyes off us.

  Asa reaches for my hand and I move it quickly. “Please don’t touch me.”

  He nods. “Okay, I won’t touch you, and you’re right—you don’t owe me anything. I just want to tell you about the night of the
concert.” He looks over his shoulder at Gracie, and her gaze doesn’t falter. Her forehead is wrinkled and her eyes are narrowed. She’s definitely not happy about him lying to get himself here.

  “Fine, you’ve got five minutes to tell me whatever it is you want to say, and then you have to leave.”

  Asa jerks his focus back to me and grins. Why does he have to be so damn arrogant?

  “Do you remember anything about the night of the concert?” Asa starts his limited time with a question he most likely knows the answer to.

  “No, I don’t remember that night, but I do remember a song and some girl named Jenna that I met. That’s it.”

  He nods. “I was there that night.”

  Wait a second…what? I look back at Gracie, who says, “Yep, he’s telling the truth.”

  “The concert was at some little bar,” Asa says, and I bring my attention back to him. He’s looking up and snapping his fingers. “What was the name of that place, Grace?”

  “The Bait Shack.” The answer falls from my mouth like it has been sitting there waiting to be set free.

  Asa’s face pales and his breathing falters slightly. “You remember. But—”

  “Leo took me to the bar last night for a walk-through to see if it’d jog my memory, but it didn’t.”

  A smile finds Asa’s face as the color floods back into his cheeks. Why is he relieved I don’t remember that night?

  “Leo, right.” He chuckles.

  “You know what, Asa? I’m done here. You need to leave now.” I refuse to listen to his bullshit anymore.

  I push off the couch and start to move toward the door then feel his grip on my arm. I turn to face him and he’s already standing, watching and waiting for my reaction.

  “Let go of me.” I pull from his hold and, surprisingly, he releases me. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this is my life you’re screwing with.” I take a step back, distancing myself from him.

  “Nothing’s going on, Ella. After Grace told me what happened, I needed to check on you. Despite what you may think, I’m not a complete asshole.”

  “When was the last time you saw me?” If he was there the night of the concert, he could have been the last person to see me before I lost my memory. According to Gracie, Babs said I went backstage with the band, walked into our makeshift dressing room, grabbed my stuff, and left. That was the last time anybody saw me until the next morning, and by then, the last eight years of my lift were gone.

  “Hmm, I saw you the night before the concert. You were here talking about visiting your grandmother,” Asa says.

  He’s avoiding my question, but I’ll play along. “You were here, in this house?” I ask him before glancing at Gracie. She nods in confirmation.

  “Yeah, I came over with Uncle Dane.”

  I squeeze my eyes closed for a few seconds just so I can think. Dane is Gracie’s dad. Asa’s a liar. Leo’s gone. God, please let all this go away so I can have my life back…or is there a reason I may not want my life back?

  “Me and Uncle Dane stayed for about thirty minutes and then left for the hotel.”

  I cock my head a bit to the right. “So, you didn’t see me the night of the concert, only the night before?”

  Asa makes his way over to the couch and sits down. “No, I saw you the night of the concert.” He rests his elbows on his knees and looks away.

  Now he’s worrying me. Hesitant and quiet makes me nervous.

  “Do you care to elaborate?” My gut churns as I wait patiently for him to come up with what will probably be a lie, because he’s taking entirely too long for it to be the truth.

  “What do you want to know, Ella?”

  “Did we get back together?”

  Asa rubs his hands over his face before his gaze meets mine.

  “The truth, Asa. Did we get back together the night of the concert at the Bait Shack?”

  He shakes his head. “No.”

  I want to scream at him, ask him why he lied and why he’s here, but I don’t because I really just want him to leave.

  “You can go now.” I turn away from him and head toward the door.

  “Did you see her before or after the concert?” Gracie’s voice echoes throughout the room.

  “Why does it even matter?” he asks as he stands and looks at his cousin.

  “Just answer the damn question, Asa.”

  He moves his gaze to me and blows out an audible breath. “After the concert. I saw Ella after the fucking concert.”

  My heart skips a beat. Inhale. Exhale. Just breathe.

  “Where did you see her after the concert?” Gracie is relentless, and I’m thankful because right now all I can do is hope he knows what happened to me.

  “I’m done playing twenty questions. Don’t worry about a ride—I’ll take an Uber to the airport.” Asa’s eyes never leave mine as he heads toward the door.

  “You’re not going anywhere until you answer my question.” Gracie’s body moves swiftly as she makes her way toward her cousin.

  I step in front of the door and wait for my friend. I agree—he’s not leaving yet. He’s gonna tell me everything he knows about that night.

  “Fuck, Grace, I don’t know what happened to Ella. I’m not lying. If I knew, don’t you think I’d tell her?”

  “Umm…no, I don’t think you would tell her, because right now your actions are leading me to believe you know a whole hell of a lot more than you’re saying.” Gracie rests her hands on her hips and taps her foot against the tile floor.

  I take a couple of steps away from the door until I’m standing directly in front of Asa. “What?” His voice is deep and commanding.

  I tilt my head up slightly to be sure I have a good view of his face, because after watching Asa for the last thirty minutes, I’ve learned that facial expressions are everything with him. He can’t hide anything. “First, I want to know the answer to Gracie’s question, and then I want to know why you were even at the concert since we were broken up. The last thing, the one I can’t seem to figure out, is why you’re here now.” Asa opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t give him the chance yet. “And don’t say because you were worried about me, because that’s bullshit.” I take one more step in his direction without ever losing eye contact. “Spill it, Asa,” I demand. “Now.”

  My heart hammers against my chest as I wait for his answers. I’m pretty sure he’s gonna lie, but I’ll be able to tell if he’s blowing smoke up my ass because he won’t be able to hide it.

  Asa shoves his hands in his back pockets, releases a long slow breath, and drops his head downward.

  I immediately snap my fingers. “Eyes up here. You’re going to talk to me, not to the floor.” Inhale. Exhale. Just breathe.

  Asa snaps his head up and looks at me. His eyes are sad, and the arrogant smirk he’s been wearing since I first saw him standing in my den is long gone. His face is absolutely devoid of all emotions.

  “I travel with the band a lot. Sometimes I sing with Uncle Dane, and sometimes I command the stage alone. So, I wasn’t stalking you, if that’s what you’re thinking. Me being with the band is a common thing. To answer Grace’s question, I saw you after the concert. You were out back behind the bar.” He looks away for a beat before returning his focus to me.

  “Was I alone?” My pulse is racing, my heart is pounding, and I’m suddenly very aware of my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Just breathe.

  “Yes, Ella, you were alone. You were leaning against the brick wall smoking a cigarette.”

  “Wait a minute—I smoke? When did I start smoking?” If I smoke, why haven’t I been craving nicotine during the last week? It’s supposed to be hard to stop smoking, so why haven’t I had any withdrawals? I’m so fucking confused right now.

  “No, Ella, you’re not a chain smoker or an everyday smoker, only after a concert and sometimes before, and occasionally if you drink. You say you only do it to calm your nerves,” Gracie tells me.

  “What did we talk abo
ut? Did I say anything about leaving with anyone or taking a walk or anything that might help me figure out what happened to me?” My words spew out as my entire body rides out wave after wave of panic.

  Asa shakes his head. “Nope, you didn’t really say much. I begged you to talk to me, for us to try to work things out, and you wouldn’t even talk about it. You just told me to get the hell away from you and that’s about it. So that’s what I did—I left.” He finishes the last sentence before dropping his head downward.

  “What’s so fucking interesting on the damn floor?” I ask, inching even closer to him. I place my hands on his shoulders and he slowly lifts his head and looks at me. My entire body begins to tremble when I meet his eyes. They’re bloodshot and glassy. His mouth opens and then closes, and finally he shakes his head.

  “That’s it, Ella. That’s all I got for you.” His eyes dart away from mine. Deep inside of me, I know every word he just spoke is a lie, but why? Was he involved in whatever happened to me?

  “Did you do something to me that night? Did you take me somewhere and leave me so I’d have to walk back into town? Tell me, Asa. Tell me what you did to me,” I demand. My stomach is heavy and my head is light. The room spins a few times so I let go of Asa’s shoulders and sit down on the floor in front of him. I rest my head in my hands and close my eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Just breathe.

  “Ella, are you okay?” Gracie rushes to my side.

  I slowly pull my hands away from my face and look at her. “I’m fine, just dizzy and sick to my stomach.”

  “Do I need to take you to the emergency room?” Her voice is laced with panic.

  “No, no, I’m fine. It’s happened before, but it normally happens when I’m overcome with a memory.” I look up at Asa and his face goes white.

  Guilt—it’s written all over his face, but I’m not going to get anything else out of him today.

  “Look, Ella, I didn’t do anything to you. I would never hurt you—ever. Hell, what kind of person do you think I am?” He shakes his head before walking toward the door. “I’m not doing this anymore. I came here to check on you because I care. Yes, I saw you after the concert, but that’s all I know. I’m really sorry I showed up to check on you, and I’m sorry that I care. Have a nice life.” He opens the front door, walks outside, and slams it behind him.