#1 Love

by T Gephart

  Why?

  Why had he been so mad?

  “You’re right. I have to go.” I didn’t give Roman the chance to respond, killing the call and dialing Alex.

  I couldn’t breathe as I waited, wondering if he’d even answer and then on the third ring it stopped.

  “Maya?”

  He sounded surprised, but not upset, and hopefully it would stay that way.

  “Why did you stop talking to me when I slept with Chris Banks?” It wasn’t my best work, but I was done tiptoeing around anyone.

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  I sucked in a breath and repeated. “You were fine the whole time Chris and I dated, but after I slept with him, you shut me out? Why?”

  “Maya, I’m at work. I really don’t have time to discuss something that happened ten years ago.”

  “Fine, then meet me after work.”

  I wasn’t letting it go. And not because I wanted to know why there’d been a rift between us back then, it was so much more important than that.

  “Why? So we can talk about you and Chris Banks? You’ll have to excuse my lack of enthusiasm.”

  “No, so we can discuss us, Alex.”

  My heart pounded in my chest knowing I’d taken a risk. But someone needed to take the first step, and I’d regretted not being that person back then. Maybe if we had been on better terms before I left, things might have been different. And even though this time it was him who was leaving instead of me, I wasn’t willing to make the same mistake again.

  “Maya . . .” He sighed, and I was sure we’d come to the part where he told me he was done. He didn’t have time for my bullshit and he preferred if I stopped calling. After all, that was the speech I had practiced a hundred times on the off chance he’d call me, though I wasn’t sure I’d have actually delivered it if he did.

  “It’s Monday, I have the legal clinic. Were you planning on going?”

  I hadn’t planned on it but I could.

  It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough, the door between us opening a slither. “Yeah, sure. You want me to meet you there?” I offered.

  “No, I’ll leave early, meet you and we can go to your place. Give us more time to talk.”

  The thought of him in my apartment was almost too much to take. Especially considering the last time he’d been, it was the start of the end. “Are you sure you can sneak out? Won’t you get into trouble?”

  “What are they going to do, Maya? Fire me? I’ve already handed in my notice.”

  Indeed.

  I hadn’t forgotten he was leaving, but hearing him say he’d put in his notice made it so much more real. He’d quit his job and accepted a new one, there was no going back.

  “Okay, well. I’m here.” I did my best to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

  “You’re not at work?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

  “I took some personal time.”

  There was a pause, the hesitation making me wonder if he was changing his mind.

  “Give me an hour.”

  “Okay, see you then.”

  I didn’t argue, ending the call before he realized that it was nine a.m. and finishing his workday at ten probably wasn’t the smartest move. I was letting people make their own decisions, remember? And he was a grown man who’d demonstrated on more than one occasion he didn’t want to be told what to do. So, as I tossed the phone on my coffee table, I took the hour to pull myself together.

  I’d waved goodbye to Jordon in sweats and a messy bun, and that wouldn’t do when my hot ex—had we ever properly split up?—boyfriend came to chat. Not that I had plans of seducing him—the idea of sleeping with him, the furthest from my mind—but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t want him to at least have some regret.

  Tossing out the idea of putting on the dress that made my boobs look good, I instead went for a more casual—jeans, a cute top and pair of Converse—vibe. My hair was brushed out, and I put on some makeup, transforming myself in literally minutes, both mentally and physically. It was amazing how much I thought I was okay not seeing him until I knew I would. I wanted to, even if it was just one last time.

  I’d just managed to clean the kitchen—Jordon’s attempt at breakfast hadn’t gone well—when there was a knock at the door.

  It was him.

  My body could sense his even without opening the door.

  He was standing on the other side in a charcoal suit, black shirt, and a black tie that looked like it had been tugged loose. His blond hair was spiked in a million different directions, the product of raking his hand through it probably a hundred times no doubt. And in the short time since I’d last seen him, he’d somehow gotten better looking.

  Because life was cruel that way.

  “Hey.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, stepping inside my apartment and magically taking the air out of the room.

  “Hey.” I followed him through, hoping we’d be able to graduate to whole sentences soon. “Take a seat, did you want something to drink?”

  Bravo, Maya. Bravo.

  “No, I’m good.” He took my advice and lowered himself to the couch, watching me as I did the same.

  It might have been difficult to see him—God, help me resist the urge to kiss him—but it wasn’t a picnic for him either. His eyes had restlessly swept up and down my body at least three times since he walked in and his hands had formed iron fists as they sat either side of his knees.

  “Okay.” I figured since I’d called the meeting, I probably should start it. “I was thinking about when we were younger, and how we didn’t fight.”

  Alex narrowed his eyes, probably wondering where I was going with it. “I’m pretty sure we did fight, Maya. Everyone fights.”

  “Yeah. I know. I just blocked it out, wanting the memory of you to be perfect,” I started to explain, holding up my hand when he looked like he might speak. “And I know you’re not. I know I’m not. But for some reason, when we’re together it’s as close to perfection as I ever got. And when my dad called, and this whole mess unraveled, I just wanted to protect you from that. To protect us from that. Not just from my father, but because I didn’t want you to feel like you needed to come back and save me. I didn’t want to be a burden, even if it wasn’t my fault. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I felt like I could control it.”

  “Maya, you aren’t a burden.” He shook his head. “And we didn’t need protecting.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry.” I said the words that had been in my heart. “You’re right. I should have told you, given you the choice to make up your own mind. But I guess part of me was scared you wouldn’t have chosen me. Or if you did, you had done it for the wrong reasons.”

  “Is that why you were pushing me to New York? Worried I was staying out of obligation?” He turned facing me, his fists no longer clenched but not reaching for me either.

  “Yes. But then . . .” I bit my lip, with the wound open it was harder to keep going.

  “Then I proved you right, throwing in the towel the minute it got too hard. And I’d confirmed what you’d always suspected, that you weren’t worth it.”

  Hearing him say those words was like a slap in the face. The initial hit hurt, but its sting seemed to last forever.

  I nodded, needing to look him in the eye. “Whether you want to believe me or not, I made my choices because I love you.” Present tense, and it wasn’t a mistake. “But you—”

  “I’ve been in love with you ever since I can remember.” He shocked me into silence. “Not just as my best friend, but as the only girl I could ever imagine being with.” His hand raked through his hair. “You asked me once how long I’d wanted to sleep with you, and I said a while. What I didn’t tell you was that it’s been since we were fifteen. You were wearing a green top that clung to your tits and a pair of denim shorts. And I wanted in them so badly I jerked off to that memory for an entire year. Yeah, we were friends, but make no mistake, given half a chance I’d have taken so much more from you
.”

  I swallowed, hard, his words of wanting me for so long the last thing I’d been expecting.

  “So yeah, when I found out that cocksucker had taken your virginity I was fucking pissed. At you. At him. And at myself because I didn’t have the balls to tell you how I felt. I’d wanted it to be me, Maya. I wanted to be your first, and your fucking last. And the thought of him in you—of anyone in you—made me want to do things I had no right to do. That’s why I stopped talking to you, and why I never spoke to him again.”

  “But, but you slept with Taylor.” I vaguely remembered catching them making out and then Taylor telling everyone they’d done it. I had remembered feeling weird, disappointed for some reason, which was when I decided to sleep with Chris.

  “No, I didn’t fuck anyone until after you left. I dated girls before, kissed them, but I never slept with them.”

  “Then why?” I had so many questions and not sure which one of them to ask first.

  “Because maybe I had some of my own demons, watching you choose everyone else instead of me. My brothers, Chris—even then I still fucking waited. Hoping. That’s why it set me off when you let Roman, Stefan and Mike in but not me. Never me. I wondered if I was ever going to be your first choice. I love you, Maya. Not because there is no other choice, but because you’re my only choice. And I’d have preferred to walk away than be your consolation prize.”

  I couldn’t stop myself anymore, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him. He didn’t miss a beat, his hands on me in a second as his lips found my mouth.

  “You could never be anyone’s consolation prize,” I gasped out between kisses.

  His hands cupped my chin keeping me from his lips I desperately wanted, his voice raw. “And you could never be anyone’s burden. But I need all of you, Maya. The good and the bad. I want to be the one you turn to, not my brothers or some other guy. Me. Because you’re mine. And I’m fucking yours. You own me. Don’t you understand? I had sixteen years with only part of you, but you had all of me.”

  Oh my God, I was going to die. I was going to wither into dust as my soul left my body, and anything I knew to be true was proven false.

  He loved me.

  He’d always loved me.

  And he was just as scared as I was of losing it all.

  “You have me, all of me.”

  “I’m sorry, Maya. You hurt my ego, and my heart, but I should never have walked away.” He kissed my lips, gently, barely a feather’s touch. “You deserved better, and you are worth more than that.”

  “And you are worth more than that too.” I pulled him closer, being unsatisfied with what little contact he was giving me. “We’ll both do better.”

  He pulled me into his lap, pulling off my top as his hips rocked against mine. He was hard, his hands moving at lightning speed as my bra found its way onto the floor.

  His mouth dipped to my breasts, kissing them, swirling his tongue around my hardened nipple as I yanked his tie free and unbuttoned his shirt. It wasn’t enough, my body arching with each pleasurable tease of his mouth while I tried to get him naked.

  With his buttons undone, I helped him shrug off the jacket and then the shirt. His hands had moved to my jeans, working them down while his lips retained their focus.

  “Take them off,” I groaned, not sure if I meant his pants or my jeans but I wanted something off and I wanted it right now.

  Not to disappoint, he eased my jeans off my hips, taking my underwear with them. He didn’t get very far, his progress hindered by my need to grind against his hard-on.

  I was so turned on, feeling myself get wetter and needing him to fill me.

  “Maya, you’re going to need to stand.” He laughed against my neck. “I can’t get them off.”

  Fuck.

  That.

  Letting my feet hit the floor, I toed off my Converse, pulled off my socks and pushed my jeans and panties the rest of the way down. He was about to do the same when I pushed him back down, unzipped his pants, put my hand down his boxer briefs and pulled out his cock.

  My grip around him tightened, only jerking him off twice before I positioned his blunt head at my entrance and sunk down on him hard.

  “Jesus, Maya.” He grabbed my hips, fucking me hard as I bucked against him.

  It was wild, the fact he was still partially clothed making it hotter because I hadn’t been able to wait. I wanted to feel him, needed him inside of me and we’d already wasted too much time. And I didn’t mean the few days we’d been fighting, but the years in between when we should have been together.

  Pleasure built inside of me, my skin tingling as our mouths found each other, sharing the same single breath as I took every inch he had to give me.

  It wouldn’t last long, the need in me so desperate for release; I didn’t have a chance to stop it.

  “Fuck me, Maya.” He growled in my ear. “Fuck me like I’m yours.”

  That was all it took, the words more freaking erotic than anything he could do to my body as I came in a rush. My body jerked, pulsing around him, taking the pleasure as it taunted him to join me. And he didn’t need much encouragement, coming in hard, fast bursts, filling me as he grabbed my hair and rasped, “And you’re mine.”

  No truer words had ever been spoken.

  He was mine.

  And I was his.

  Forever.

  SEX IN THE LIVING ROOM had been the appetizer, while moving to the bedroom had been the main course.

  I loved having him in my bed, his heavy body pressing down on me, and his hard cock inside of me. And I liked to be on top too, his lips kissing me, playing with my nipples while I rode him.

  But more than anything, I loved when it was over how he’d hold me tight and kiss me slow. It was my most favorite thing on earth.

  “So we going to talk about the obvious?” His teeth nibbled against my shoulder.

  I rolled towards him, smiling. “I’m on the pill, we’re okay.”

  “Not that.” He rolled his eyes. “But I want you to know, if I was to ever have kids, I want them with you.”

  “And if I was to ever have a baby, I’d want it to be yours.” I tried to kiss him. “Let’s just wait a few years.”

  “Well.” His half-hearted attempts to keep my lips away from his failing as I landed a kiss. “That’s going to be pretty easy to do considering I’m going to be in New York.”

  “Oh. That.”

  While talking and sex hadn’t solved everything, it had gone a long way to heal us. And I knew that as long as we kept talking, and being really honest with each other, there was nothing we couldn’t work out. Except for a few thousand miles, which would soon be between us.

  “Yeah, baby, that.” His hand slid down my arm. “I’ve already given my notice.”

  “I’ll go with you.” The words were out of my mouth even before I’d had time to think of them. “Whatever happens, we’ll stay together and if you go to New York, I’ll go with you.”

  “But you love L.A., spent years trying to get back.”

  I shook my head, the point of no return. “No Alex, I’m in love with you, and I want to be wherever you are.”

  I’d have thought leaving would compromise my integrity. I’d given my word to my family, my firm and to myself. But what I didn’t realize was giving up my own happiness was a far greater sin than going back on my word. And I wouldn’t make myself miserable just to prove a point.

  Not for anyone.

  Not anymore.

  His thumb traced my jaw. “I’m too selfish to ask you if you’re sure, Maya. You’ve said yes, and I’m taking it.”

  “Good, because I want to be taken,” I teased.

  L.A. did mean a lot to me and that hadn’t changed. But at the end of the day, it was just an address. It wasn’t my heart, my soul, or my purpose. Those things were not tied to any one city, which meant neither was I.

  With promises to help me break my lease—Prim was going to hate me—and help me find a new job, we
jumped out of bed and got into the shower. We were probably acting crazy, but our irresponsibility wasn’t going to extend to blowing off the law clinic.

  Alex needed to change his clothes, his suit pants requiring some serious dry-cleaning while I needed to get into some professional attire myself. Both of us managed to get ourselves looking like lawyers instead of sex-crazed lunatics and into the car in time so we wouldn’t be late.

  It was probably the last time either of us would be at the legal clinic, and it honestly made me sad. Those people needed us, which was why it had been important to come even though we’d both wanted to stay in bed.

  We sat at our desk like we had the other times, working through the crowd of people until Don called time and shut the doors. It was only after everyone had left that we told him the news that neither of us would be coming back.

  “I know you have to do it, and honestly, wish you well.” His lips pressed into a tight line. “But it’s a big loss.”

  While his words weren’t surprising—I mean, I hadn’t expected him to be happy—there was something about them that made me stop.

  “It’s a big loss.”

  The voice, the tone, the level of disappointment just triggered something inside me like a forgotten memory.

  That sentence.

  Don.

  When Alex had introduced us, it had been the first time we’d met. But I’d heard his voice before, and it had been in my dad’s home office.

  Like scattered pieces of a puzzle, it started to take shape.

  It had been late, but Alex and I had snuck out and gone to get sundaes at the drive thru and I was trying to stealthily get back in the house without getting grounded again.

  And whomever my dad was talking to was agitated, needing to be calmed down. I assumed it was business, thanked my lucky stars for the distraction and got into bed without being detected.

  “You, you knew my father.” I pointed my finger at Don. “You’re the reason.”

  We’re taught in law school to never make an accusation without having a well-formed argument and evidence to prove it. It’s not enough to say something is true, you need to convince everyone else it is too.