Beautifully Damaged

by L. A. Fiore

Trace lowered his eyes as the oddest expression washed over his features. He looked uncomfortable, almost nervous, before his eyes lifted to me.

  "Trace, what's wrong?"

  "I can't be upset with you for not being completely forthcoming when I haven't told you everything either. I called your dad and asked that he and your uncle come for a visit this weekend. There's one more thing that I need to share with you and your family."

  I studied him and realized that it wasn't nervousness it was panic. "Trace?"

  "I've been trying to figure out the best way to tell you and I'll admit that I've procrastinated in telling you because there really isn't a good way to say what I need to say."

  His expression changed as that empty look -- the one he got when his demons were pulling him down -- crossed over his features. I moved to him as tears smarted my eyes. I won't lie I wanted to demand that he tell me whatever it was he had to say but I bit my tongue because of that look in his eyes.

  "Please don't look like that. Whatever it is, Trace, whatever you have to say we will deal with it together."

  He didn't hesitate to wrap me in his arms before he whispered,"God, I hope that's true."

  Trace was unusually quiet for the rest of the week but I didn't miss the looks he gave me when he didn't think I was looking. I didn't know what was going on in his head but I hated seeing him looking so tormented.

  Friday night arrived and when I heard the bell I started to the door but Trace was already there pulling it open for my dad and uncle.

  "Hello, Shawn, Josh, please come in."

  "It's good to see you, son." My dad offered and then he turned and smiled at me.

  "Emmie."

  "Hi, Daddy and Uncle Josh. What a treat to see you two in the same room."

  My dad looked embarrassed before he offered, "You get your temper from me."

  I laughed as I moved into his hug.

  "Where's mine?"

  I couldn't help the grin since my uncle always had a way of making me feel like a little kid and I loved it. I hugged him hard before I led them to the living room. Once they were settled, I started to the kitchen to get the iced tea and cookies I had plated earlier but Trace stopped me.

  "I'll get it. You stay and catch up with your family."

  There was a remoteness to Trace that I knew was another survival instinct. He was distancing himself as a means of protecting himself. What the hell did he have to say that worried him so? I watched him go before I joined my dad and uncle on the sofa.

  "It's nice to see you two have worked it out." My dad said as he studied me closely.

  "You look happy, Ember."

  "I am."

  "Do you have any idea what Trace wants to talk with us about?" My uncle asked.

  "I don't but I know he's worried about our reactions."

  "He sounded a bit off when I spoke to him earlier in the week." My dad offered.

  Trace walked in at that moment and set the tray on the table. He settled in the chair opposite us and rested his elbows on his knees. His head was down, and I had the sense he was working out how he wanted to say whatever it was he had to say, and then he lifted his head and looked directly at my dad.

  "It isn't by chance that I know your family." His eyes moved to mine before he added, "It also wasn't simply that chance meeting at Sapphire that made me interested in you; that meeting wasn't really by chance at all. That night was the first time we spoke but it wasn't the first time I saw you. I knew you grew up in Fishtown, knew when you got your scholarship to UofD and I knew the exact day you moved into the city." He looked down for a moment before he lifted his eyes to mine again.

  "I own Clover, Ember, and it was through me that you learned of the opening. I didn't get your job for you; I only made sure you knew that there was a position. I should have told you, when we first met, that you worked for me but telling you only a half-truth was still lying to you. In order for me to tell you the truth, I was going to have to explain how I knew of you to begin with and I just wasn't ready to have that conversation but I am now."

  His confession had me almost speechless but I did manage a rather weak, "Go on."

  "After my parents died I moved to Manhattan; I was able to do so from a trust fund my mom setup for me. I was really fucked up when I first arrived but after I got Chelsea settled, I spent over a year getting to know the two people who were my parents. My mom was weak and was totally under the control of my dad and my dad was a real bastard."

  "While I was going through his papers, I learned that in the early nineties he used to work a factory job in Fishtown. I found an article that was tucked away with his papers about a hit and run and when I dug a little deeper, I realized the car that had been seen fleeing the scene matched my dad's. I found receipts from a garage for repairs on that car and it was then that I put it together. That was when I sought out your family, sought out you. I felt responsible and since he was no longer around to make amends I felt that I should. I watched over you and offered a nudge here and there to help push something along that you wanted. Even when you moved into the city I tried to keep my distance but I helped whenever I could to make sure you were happy."

  "I didn't plan on meeting you that night at Sapphire but I wasn't sorry that I did. And, yes, I made myself more visible to you after that because the woman I saw that night who was sweet but tough and shy but brave, well, you were unlike anyone I'd ever known and I wanted, no I needed, to know you better."

  "I never set out to fall in love with you but I did, Ember. I fell in love with you -- truly, completely and hopelessly -- and by then I was afraid if I told you the truth that you, all of you, would hold me responsible and hate me for it."

  "I walk away, Ember, and have repeatedly done so because I don't deserve to find happiness with you knowing how much my family has cost you."

  I was having a bit of trouble following Trace and that was probably because his words were causing a long, painful pull on my heart but I needed to understand what it was he was trying to tell me. Before I could ask him to clarify, my dad did so and the tone of his voice was not one that I'd heard before.

  "...hate you for what, Trace?"

  There were tears in his eyes as he held my dad's hard stare before he whispered, "It was my dad who was driving the car that killed your wife."

  I felt my heart drop just as my dad stood. His face was turning red and his hands were fisting at his sides. My uncle, I think, was in shock as was I. Trace stood and his expression was completely unreadable before he said, "I should have told you sooner. I never should have slept under your roof and accepted your hospitality knowing what I did. I can only offer in way of an excuse that I love Ember and I found a family with her and I was terrified that once she knew what linked us that I would lose her."

  My dad's voice was whisper-soft when he asked, "How old were you when you put it all together?"

  "Sixteen."

  My heart ached when I asked, "And as a sixteen year old, who was struggling to deal with your own abuse and the medical care for your younger sister, you sought to ease the pain of a little girl you never met because you felt responsible for your dad's actions?"

  His eyes found mine before he replied softly, "Yes."

  I lowered my head because my tears were coming too fast for me to control as my shoulders shook from my silent sobs. My dad and uncle were equally quiet. When Trace spoke, his voice was so pained it had me looking up at him.

  "I'm sorry I deceived you, all of you. I understand that you don't want anything to do with me." His eyes looked right into mine before he said, "I do love you, Ember, always will."

  He started to walk from the room when I called to him.

  "These tears are for you, Trace, not me."

  He looked completely baffled by that comment and the look was so adorable that a small smile touched my lips. I was looking at Trace so I didn't see my dad move until he was standing just in front of him. My heart started pounding since I didn't know what my dad was go
ing to do. There was only one thing that could make my very reasonable father go over the edge and that was his wife; he cast my uncle out for three years for merely suggesting that he marry again. My stomach was in knots as I watched and then my dad pulled Trace into his arms and hugged him. I was so surprised my jaw dropped. When my dad stepped back, there were tears in his eyes.

  "It was your dad driving that car, Trace, not you. The fact that you sought us out and felt responsible speaks to your character, son. You are a good man."

  My dad turned to me before he offered, "I'm going to go back to the hotel because I need some time. I'll be back in the morning."

  My uncle stood and walked over to Trace before extending his hand.

  "That couldn't have been easy and it took a hell of a lot of guts. Thank you for telling us because, even after all this time, knowing what happened to Mandy brings a measure of closure." He turned to my dad.

  "I'll go back with you, Shawn."

  I stood and walked to my dad and hugged him hard and whispered, "Are you okay?"

  His arms tightened around me before he replied, "I will be."

  "I have some news to share with you so we'll both come back in the morning, if that's okay." Uncle Josh said to Trace.

  "Absolutely."

  Trace walked with me to the door as we saw my dad and uncle off and then I closed the door, turned and leaned up against it. What a secret to hold onto but his confession sort of explained a lot, like how I kept running into him when we first met considering we lived in Manhattan. I grinned at the thought because Trace had been stalking me and that fact didn't bother me at all.

  "Ember?"

  "I imagine you must feel a lot better getting that off your chest."

  "...not until I know how you feel about what I said."

  I walked to him and reached for his hands. "I told you that I don't remember my mother and knowing now who killed her will give my dad and uncle closure but for me I made peace with her death a long time ago. My tears earlier were for the young man you had been, who, even coming from the nightmare that was your life, still sought to ease the pain of another. You say that all you're good for is sex but don't you see that there is so much more to you? You, Trace, are good: deep down to the bone good."

  I saw the tension just drain from him as he started to pull me to him but then he stopped and asked, "Why were you just grinning?"

  "I couldn't figure out how we kept running into each other when we first met but I realize that you were stalking me."

  His grin was wicked when he said, "Takes a stalker to know one."

  I laughed out loud at that and then I sobered. "That had to be unimaginably hard for you to hold on to that secret. None of us hold you responsible, Trace. The silver lining to our joined tragedy is that we got each other, boss man."

  His eyes warmed as a grin tugged at his mouth and then he was kissing me. His lips brushed over mine, tasting and teasing, before he angled his head and took the kiss deeper. My hands came up to grip his shirt as I leaned into him and kissed him back. His tongue swept into my mouth before tangling with my own and then he was licking the roof of my mouth which had my knees going weak. My hands moved to wrap around his neck so I could pull him closer and kiss him deeper. When his mouth pulled from mine to run hot, wet kisses over my face, I closed my eyes and savored the feeling of being with him before I whispered, "Make love to me, Trace."

  He lifted me into his arms and walked me to our bed before he placed me down and immediately covered my body with his own. He reached for my hands and pulled them up over my head where he held them with one of his own as his mouth moved over me. He lifted my shirt and ran his tongue around my navel before dipping in which caused my body to jerk as my hips instinctively rose up off the mattress.

  "Please, Trace."

  "Anything for you, sweetheart."

  The following morning, when my dad and uncle arrived, they both looked surprisingly good. I imagined it had to have been very hard to hear what Trace had to say but they both seemed happier somehow. My dad followed me into the kitchen as Trace and Uncle Josh spoke in the living room.

  "Are you okay, Daddy?"

  "I am, Ember. Honestly, it's closure and I didn't realize how much I needed it until I found it. How's Trace? That couldn't have been an easy burden to carry all this time especially not after he fell in love with you."

  "He's good. Part of the hold that his past had on him was holding onto that secret and now that he's purged it, he seems more at peace. I think he's finally ready to let go of his past so he can move on and be happy."

  "He deserves that."

  "Yes, he does."

  A few minutes later, Trace and my uncle joined us in the kitchen. We all settled at the table before my uncle offered, "I want to share what I've learned so far." My uncle's eyes moved to Trace. "I need to know how much you're comfortable with me discussing."

  Trace went completely still. I reached for his hand that was resting on his thigh which pulled his attention from my uncle to his lap. When his eyes lifted to me, they weren't as tormented as they had been when he shared his secret with me. He squeezed my hand before he turned his attention back to my uncle and offered, "I knew you'd undercover it and I'm learning..." he looked at me with such adoration it had tears stinging my eyes "...how to deal thanks to Ember." He looked back at my uncle before he added, "Full disclosure is fine with me."

  "Very well, but for the record I want to say what your dad did was depraved and how your mom did nothing was just as bad. You were one brave kid and I'm honored and proud to have you as a part of this family."

  I was watching Trace so saw how he was working his throat and his eyes looked suspiciously moist. His voice was hoarse when he said, "Thank you, sir."

  "Call me Josh, son."

  And in that moment I never loved my uncle more.

  "Your dad was into some serious shit. He was a gambler but he wasn't very good: owing markers all over and many of which were to some rather unsavory characters. He had a string of mistresses, most of whom later claimed that he was abusive, and he couldn't hold down a job because he was hostile and aggressive. Your mother had money -- apparently quite a bit of money -- that was given to her from her mother's side of the family. From all accounts, she was quite forgettable and completely lost behind her husband. My guess is your dad was the target and your mom was collateral damage. I've a long list of people at whom to take a closer look so when I have more I'll let you know."

  Trace asked, "Did you find anything on Charles Michaels?"

  "Nothing that throws up any flags. He's ambitious, a hard worker and unyielding. On paper, he's a straight arrow but I agree with you that there's more to his story. He's arrogant enough to commit murder and believe he'll get away with it. I'm going to keep digging since I don't believe in a perfect murder. Humans are fallible and it only takes one little mistake."

  Uncle Josh was very direct when he said, "Your uncle knew what was going on in your house, didn't he?"

  Trace sounded menacing when he replied, "Yes, and he let it go on for years. If he killed my parents, it didn't have anything to do with my sister and me."

  I knew Trace was right because even his uncle asking me to help Trace wasn't about helping Trace: it was about helping himself. He left Trace to his own devices until the possibility that Trace's problems could become his. Only then was he ready to step in and offer aid. Bastard.

  My uncle pulled a hand through his hair and the expletive that came from his mouth was not one I'd heard before and then he added, "The man should be hung up by his short hairs for that, the bastard, and as far as I'm concerned that crime is far greater than even murder."

  My dad started to rise. "I agree but enough shop talk. I say we challenge these young folk to a game of billiards."

  My uncle grinned before he looked over at me.

  "Oh yeah, I want a chance to win back all the money that I've lost to Ember over the years."

  Trace and I both stood as I l
ooked into my uncle's laughing eyes. "...never going to happen, old man. Not only did you teach me everything you know but I also have my ace in the hole, I've got Trace."

  My uncle and dad were laughing as they made their way to the front door. I leaned into Trace and held his tender gaze before I added, "... and I'll never let you go."

  Chapter Twenty

  Trace asked that I not go on my daily runs alone after learning that Dane had approached me; if he was unable to run with me Rafe offered to do so. Today, I was lucky enough to get Trace and, as we made our way through Central Park, I couldn't help glancing over at him from time to time because the man was just so incredible. I wondered if I would ever grow tired of looking at him but I suspected even when we were old and feeble I'd still enjoy it.

  I liked to believe I was in fairly good shape but Trace made me feel like a sloth. He trained religiously and through boxing he had developed amazing endurance but it was still a wonder when we completed five miles and I was panting and ready to collapse and he looked eager to keep going.

  Every day, after our run, Trace took me to Starbucks for my coffee and cake-pop. In fact, I think he was becoming slightly addicted to them, too, since he never failed to get himself one.

  As he ordered, I just stood back so I could watch him and had to resist the urge to pinch myself because he was gorgeous and he was mine. I liked him in sweats: these were black and rode low on his hips. His white tee was snug across the muscles of his chest and arms; arms that were flexed from the run. His hair was a bit longer but still spiky around that arresting face of all angles.

  He towered over everyone around him and there was a hardness to him when he interacted with people: not mean but untouchable. Watching him, I was deeply grateful that he allowed me into his heart. What would his life have been like if he hadn't suffered the way he had when he was younger? He was smart and, despite everything, confident and to think if he had been properly nurtured, loved and encouraged, there was no end to what he could have done. It was a crime but I couldn't be too upset about it because I would never have known him otherwise.