Yours, Juli

by Thalia Lark

  ‘Well,’ I shrugged, ‘what does your radar say?’

  She hesitated, and then her face lit up with a brilliant smile, her cheeks turning pink as she flapped a hand at me dismissively and casually changed the subject.

  Ride of My Life

  I’d worked myself into such a state worrying about everything that Lori and I had discussed, that by the time Monday came around I’d convinced myself I should stand Alex up. It wasn’t just that it was probably as prohibited as sitting outside at four o’clock in the morning; I was also inwardly hoping that if I just ignored Alex my feelings would eventually pass. So by six o’clock, I’d firmly decided not to meet her at the tennis courts, even if there was hope of me saving myself the humiliation of not knowing how to ride a bike. She’d understand if I didn’t show up. She’d presume I was just busy with homework.

  But then the image of her face swam into view. I imagined the disappointment in her almond-shaped eyes, the tiny crease that would form between her brows if I didn’t show. Because somehow I knew that it would hurt her feelings, no matter how laidback and nonchalant she seemed to the outside world.

  Maybe I was taking this all too seriously, I thought. Maybe all that was destined to happen between us was the development of a strong friendship. Perhaps the feelings I was feeling weren’t romantic in nature at all, and the connection that had formed between us was merely a friendly alliance. Forcing these thoughts to the forefront of my mind determinedly, I deemed it appropriate to accept her help on the bike-riding issue, and hurried up from the recreation room at twenty past six. I almost didn’t see Miss Wheaton until I nearly ran into her outside the dormitory. We both stepped back in alarm, and then she relaxed into a smile.

  ‘I was looking for you, Juli.’ She held a piece of folded paper out to me and I took it carefully, watching her. ‘It’s a list of times for all the night classes,’ she said. ‘I know you came to that one last week, but I thought this might help you schedule your timetable a little easier – you know, so you can choose which would be most beneficial to you. I’ve highlighted the maths and English ones.’ She pointed with a forefinger to the piece of paper. ‘They’re usually on Tuesdays and Thursdays; the other nights I reserve for my physics and chem students.’

  I looked at the sheet and the neat cursive across it and smiled. ‘Thank you.’

  She was quiet for a moment, then tilted her head. ‘How’s everything going? I heard you weren’t feeling too well last week.’

  I shrugged. ‘I’m fine now. Must have just eaten too much at breakfast.’

  She nodded. ‘Well, let me know if there’s anything I can help with.’

  I nodded, smiled again in thanks for the paper, and bypassed her into the dormitory. I grabbed some jeans and a grey cotton T-shirt to change into in the bathrooms. After draping my uniform over one arm and exiting the cubicle, I found myself subconsciously lingering in front of the mirror. As my awareness briefly slipped out of focus, my hands involuntarily dropped my uniform on the bench before splashing my face with water and drying it on my pants. Then they smoothed my hair back, tightened my ponytail and wiped my eyes clean of crust. My neck twisted as my eyes scrutinised my appearance, appraising my chest. My upper arms thrust forward to adjust my breasts in my bra so they sat softly and evenly, subtle yet noticeable under the slim confines of the T-shirt. Then my eyes narrowed with aggravation as my brain suddenly caught up with what I was doing.

  I turned and hurried out, my mouth getting tighter and tighter as I headed down the stairs and outside, my emotions balling into a tight sphere in my chest and sitting there uncomfortably. By the time I reached the edge of the football oval, my face was all but impassive and my hands were tucked in my jean pockets guardedly. I barely even felt the twist in my stomach as I saw Alex standing leaning against the corner of the tennis courts.

  The sun was almost set and the only light left in the sky was that of dusky twilight. I headed towards her, not meaning to look unfriendly and cold but most definitely coming off that way. Alex pushed herself off the fence and motioned her head to my right, matching my disinterested expression almost daringly. ‘This way,’ she said.

  I took a last glance at the few senior boys still throwing a football around on the oval before following. We kept mostly to the shadows as we ducked around the outside of the tennis court, through the garden beds and down a gentle incline to where a long, abandoned cricket pitch was completely hidden from view by the trees. The grass had grown up to knee height, and there was a mountain bike resting on its stand at the end nearest us.

  Alex smiled at me cunningly through the dim light, waving a hand in front of her face as though wafting away a mosquito. ‘It’s perfectly secluded so nobody will see you bungle it the first few times.’

  I couldn’t help but smile a little, strolling towards the bike uncertainly. ‘I presume this has been nicked from somewhere?’

  ‘Of course.’ She held a black helmet out to me. ‘I grabbed this as well, but the grass is so thick now you probably don’t need it anyway. Just don’t crack your head open and die on me.’

  I shook my head to refuse the helmet, and then after taking a deep breath, I slowly mounted the bike and kicked back the stand, balancing between my two feet and nestling into the seat. It was less comfortable, but not all that unlike a motorbike, which I’d driven at my cousin’s property a few times. I bounced up and down a little in the seat, feeling the rubber tyres flex. Alex stood back and watched in silence as I gradually started to roll myself forward with my feet. Noticing my fingers twisting around the handlebars uneasily, she moved towards me and held out her hands.

  ‘Do you want me to hold it steady?’

  I felt uncontrollable heat rise up my neck as she moved up against me and gripped the handlebar closest to her, her breasts brushing against my arm and her thumb across the small of my back as she positioned her other hand at the back of the saddle. I averted my gaze, ultra-aware of the warmth in my face and certain it would be visible by then. She would have been blind not to notice, but the warm breath that touched my neck as she next spoke told me very clearly that it wasn’t something she minded.

  ‘I’ve got you,’ she said quietly. ‘I won’t let you fall, I promise.’

  Distracted by the warmth radiating from her upper body and the tangy smell of perfume lingering around her neck, it took me a few seconds to collect myself before I was able to force my legs into action. I jerked the pedals around unevenly as Alex held the bike as steady as possible. But my weight proved too much for her, and when I tipped towards her suddenly we both fell towards the ground laughing. I disengaged myself from her legs and righted the bike quickly before pulling her up with my free arm and apologising amidst nervous chuckles.

  ‘I should be the one apologising,’ she said, grinning in the dim light. ‘I said I wouldn’t let you fall. Come on, I’ll be more careful this time.’

  The tension suddenly dissolved as our eyes met and we smiled at each other. I clambered back onto the bike and she reclaimed her position beside me without hesitation. After twenty minutes of practicing – both with and without assistance – and the accumulation of several impressive bruises, I was finally able to ride up and down the stretch with minimal fuss. I braked in front of Alex, blood pumping through my veins with the exercise and a happy flush touching my cheeks in the dusky light. It wasn’t the same, but it was as close to home as I’d been since arriving at St Peter’s, surrounded by grass and shrubbery with the sky open above us. More importantly, the flushed figure beside me, beaming after having run several laps alongside me, was stirring more endorphins in my blood than I thought my body contained.

  I could just distinguish Alex’s features as we looked at each other through the darkness.

  ‘You can officially ride a bike now,’ she said, grinning breathlessly and resting her hands on her hips.

  I nodded, regarding her in silence as I slipped off the bike onto the flattened grass and took a few unsteady breaths, the w
orries I’d been entertaining over the weekend suddenly seeming ridiculous. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You did all the work.’ She cleared her throat and shrugged one shoulder lightly. ‘Do you have somewhere you need to be? Or do you want to – I dunno – hang out for a bit? You know, down here. With me.’ She gestured to herself with one hand, grinning awkwardly.

  I nodded. ‘That’d be cool.’

  She trailed away from me, sitting down on the edge of the hill and leaning back into the incline, and I followed and seated myself beside her, carefully lowering myself backwards into the grass. She took a deep breath as we both settled into stillness. ‘It’s beautiful, huh?’ she said. ‘I bet you can see thousands more stars out in the country though. I mean, Gympie’s only semi-rural and the stars are ten times more visible than here. I can’t imagine what it would look like where you live, right out there in the outback.’

  ‘Pretty spectacular.’

  ‘Do you ever go stargazing?’

  ‘Not really. My dad used to own a telescope, but he got rid of it years ago.’

  ‘I sometimes sit out in the backyard and look at the stars at night.’ Her tone turned wistful as she gazed skywards and rested her hands in the grass behind her head. I felt her fine hair brush sideways and tickle my cheek. ‘I’ve never studied it intensely or anything, but I do know the names of a few constellations.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She stretched one hand up and pointed to an indistinguishable portion of the deep blue sky above us. ‘That’s the archer – those three bright stars make up his collarbone, and then that pale semi-circle is his bow. He’s standing with his arrow pulled back, but his legs are at kind of odd angles. My Pops used to say it was because he was bow-legged – get it?’ She elbowed me gently in the ribs. ‘Bow-legged?’

  I grinned. ‘Funny.’

  ‘Anyway…’ She laughed and settled back into her previous position. ‘What’s your family like? Any brothers or sisters?’

  ‘Nope, just me and Mum.’

  ‘Grandparents?’

  ‘All dead.’

  ‘Aunts or uncles?’

  ‘Mum has a sister, but they’re kind of estranged.’

  ‘I’m not being too nosy, am I?’

  I frowned a little and cleared my throat to respond, unused to feeling so comfortable around someone and so used to trying to hide that for a split second I actually wondered if I was being a little bit too open. But then I took a deep breath and shook my head. I didn’t mind confiding these things to Alex. In fact, if I was being totally honest, there was a large part of me that actually wanted to.

  ‘Does your Mum work on the farm?’

  I glanced sideways at her as her question interrupted my reverie. ‘No, she works at a small café in town, nine till five every day except weekends. Dad used to be the one to look after the property, and then it just sort of fell to me after he left. I mean, Mum is in charge of the finances and everything, but I do the brunt of the physical work. I don’t know what’ll happen now I’m at school. Mum will probably sell the cattle.’

  ‘Wouldn’t she discuss it with you first?’

  ‘In a perfect world maybe. We’ve never been especially close, and my mum’s kind of…well, different.’

  ‘That’s sort of like me and my mum.’ I turned my head to look at her but she was gazing up at the sky. She didn’t sound sad though, just thoughtful. ‘She does her best with me and my brother, but I don’t think she was ever destined to be a brilliant parent.’

  ‘Why?’

  She hesitated, then looked sideways at me suddenly. ‘I’ve never told anyone this.’

  ‘I won’t share.’

  ‘Well…’ she took a deep breath, ‘Mum’s kind of – I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. It’s just sometimes, the way she acts almost makes me think like having children and being a mother was never what she wanted to do – you know, like do with her life. Not that she doesn’t love my brother and I to bits and pieces of course, but…I don’t know, there’s just something in the way she handles family life that suggests she had a different dream, you know? There’s something in her eyes that says she’s not where she intended to be.’

  ‘They say eyes are windows to the soul.’

  ‘I’m fairly sure your hands say a lot more about you than your eyes.’

  I raised my eyebrows. ‘Your hands? What, like how many fingers you’re born with equals the number of children you’ll have?’

  ‘I meant your palm-lines.’ She rolled her eyes and held one hand up above us, stroking a finger down the centre of her palm. ‘My grandmother used to read my brother’s and my palms when we were little. She wasn’t a professional or anything, it was more of a party trick, but I’ve been surprised more than once at the accuracy of some of the things she said.’

  I held up my hand beside her, palm towards us. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She very carefully took hold of my hand, her warm fingers enveloping mine and raising goose bumps down my forearm. ‘This is your life line,’ she said, gently tracing her finger around the crease circling my thumb. ‘Apparently you’ve got a long one ahead of you. This,’ moving on, ‘is your heart line, if I remember correctly. Apparently my heart’s not the healthiest, but yours seems strong. This one in the middle is the head line. I was never quite sure whether it represents intelligence or mental stability.’

  ‘I don’t have much of either these days.’

  She smiled. ‘This one I think is the line of marriage, or the line of love or something. If what Grandma said is true, one line means you’ll find love, and two lines means you’ll find love and marry as well. I don’t know if that part is really accurate though, because Grandma only has one line and she’s been married for fifty years.’

  ‘Maybe their marriage was never legalised or something.’ I narrowed my eyes in the darkness and reached out my spare hand to catch Alex’s in mine, peering at it as I raised my head off the ground. ‘What do you have?’

  ‘One.’

  ‘What about me?’

  ‘One as well.’ She was quiet for a moment, and then she traced the line right down the centre of my palm. ‘You have a health line, but it’s cut short at the bottom end, so you’ll either die young or encounter serious health issues.’

  ‘Gee, thanks.’

  She grinned through the darkness. ‘This one’s your fate line. I can’t see whether yours is straight or broken up – it’s too dark now – but a split in the middle signifies a major change within your lifetime. Or a midlife crisis. I can’t remember which.’

  ‘So…I’m never going to get married, I’m either going to die young or have serious health issues, and I’m due for a midlife crisis. Is that right?’

  ‘You’ll have a long life though, so you can spread the misfortunes out a bit.’

  ‘Well, that makes me feel a bit better.’

  ‘Some also believe that if the creases in your knuckles add up to an odd number, you’ll be grievously injured before the age of thirty.’

  I smiled and narrowed my eyes. ‘You just made that up.’

  Alex grinned and curled her fingers around my hand, holding it firmly and making me shiver as she lowered it back down to the soft grass between us. I closed my eyes and focused on the warmth of her skin against mine for a long moment, until finally she spoke again, her tone reluctant. ‘We’d probably better get back to the dorms before they miss us.’

  ‘Tell me something first.’

  ‘What?’

  I shrugged, just wanting to hear the sound of her voice again. ‘Anything.’

  ‘Okay…’ She didn’t sound in the least surprised by my request. ‘Um… Oh, okay, I’ve got a good one. It’s top-secret though, so if you spill to my parents I’ll throttle you. I was a bit of a badass in my early teenage years, and once when I was twelve, I stole one of my Dad’s cigarettes off the back porch and lit up behind the chicken coop.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘That’s not badass.’

>   ‘You’ve done worse?’

  ‘My friend from school found a joint in his mother’s handbag and we got high one day at lunchtime.’

  Alex laughed. ‘Holy crap. Did your teacher find out?’

  ‘Nope. We blamed our behaviour on “accidentally” inhaling the boys’ deodorants as we walked past. The principal confiscated all aerosol cans after that.’

  ‘What about the joint?’

  I shrugged. ‘Buried it behind the sports shed for next time.’

  ‘Damn, you were a badass.’ Her laughter gradually trailed off before she squeezed my hand gently with her own and took a deep breath. ‘Okay, we really had better get back this time.’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose.’ I sat up slowly and pulled her along with me, hesitating to gaze at her face through the dim light questioningly. At that moment I didn’t care if I liked her or not, or if it was temporary or not, or if it was wrong or not. All I cared about was the fact that being there beside her made me feel happier than I’d ever felt before in my life. ‘Can we do this again?’

  She looked back at me and nodded with a warm smile. ‘Definitely.’

  Catatonia

  Things travelled relatively smoothly for the next week and a half. I continued to spend the majority of my spare time with Lori and Emma, both of whom willingly included me in their activities. We played pool and Foosball in the recreation room, swam in the fifty-metre lap pool, relaxed by the oval while watching the seniors play football, and lay on our beds in the dorm gossiping and laughing over trivial matters like homework and boys. Well, the boys weren’t trivial to Lori and Emma, not with Gideon and Emma’s new crush Virgil Thomas around. And Harvey Baxter was now playing a more than minor role in my life. I still wasn’t quite sure whether I was into him or not – some days I could barely contain my disgust at the thought of kissing him, others I would lie back on my bed and fantasise about what it would feel like to have him hold me and caress my hair and take care of me. In any case I was grateful for his friendship, as he was the only one of our small group of friends who took modern history and rec with me.