Yours, Juli

by Thalia Lark

  My classes gradually became easier to cope with as I fell into the swing of things and became familiar with the curriculum. I started to get to know my teachers a little more too, especially Miss Wheaton, who was pleased to see me turn up to the tuition classes after dinner. She spent the first half an hour of my first session tutoring a few senior chemistry and physics students while I sat with Mr Warner and listened to him drone on about Romeo and Juliet. Mr Warner and I were on agreeable terms now – ever since we’d settled our debts of apology and agreed to negotiate on future issues within the classroom – but he was still old and forgetful and difficult to tolerate at times. I didn’t listen to much of what he was saying about Shakespeare, and was grateful when Miss Wheaton interrupted us and asked if she could spend some time with me working on my maths.

  Mr Warner nodded and ushered me away, scratching his stubbly chin thoughtfully. ‘Yes, yes, of course.’

  Miss Wheaton smiled as we sat down opposite each other at one of the desks set up in the study room. ‘I’m glad you decided to come,’ she said.

  I shrugged and admitted quietly that nobody actually knew I was there. I’d casually lied to Lori and Emma about wanting to do a bit of extra research in the library to catch up with the rest of my classes.

  Miss Wheaton nodded and proceeded to help me through the maths homework I’d been set for the week. My lack of mathematical skill was embarrassing; I’d never put much effort into my schooling in Warrabeela. Thankfully, Miss Wheaton didn’t make a fuss over it, and calmly explained the concepts of the algebraic equations one by one, pausing every so often to allow me to digest.

  The one person I didn’t see for the next two weeks was Alex. I looked for her in the grounds as Lori and Emma and I wandered around during lunchtime, and I kept my eyes peeled during mealtimes and in the afternoons, but somehow we didn’t cross paths again. Rationally, I knew it was best if she’d changed her mind and didn’t want to hang out anymore. Moving on and focusing my energy on my growing friendships with Lori, Emma and Harvey was the healthiest option. Seeking Alex out and allowing whatever connection had fused between us to grow… Well, all that could become of it would be to hurt everyone involved. Especially Harvey.

  I thought with satisfaction that life was rolling along nicely. I was settling in, making progress, making friends. But then suddenly, the next Friday night, my carefully constructed skyscraper of existence came tumbling down with a crash.

  Lori skipped up to me after classes, still in her uniform as I dumped mine in the laundry basket inside our dormitory, hoping it wasn’t my turn to carry it down to the washroom. I regarded her suspiciously as she came to a standstill. ‘Why are you smiling like that?’ I asked.

  She grinned. ‘Guess what we’re doing tonight?’ Every Friday, the students and several of the teachers got together to do something a bit out of the ordinary. So far we’d had pizza and Cheaper by the Dozen in the rec room, Spotlight on the oval after dinner, and a chalk race around the school – in the dark with flashlights because the power had gone out. Lori didn’t give me a chance to guess what uncomfortable social event was due this week. ‘We’re having a karaoke evening,’ she said. ‘In the rec room. After dinner.’

  I raised my eyebrows. ‘No thank you.’

  ‘Come on, it’ll be fun! Emma and I will be there, and you don’t have to sing if you don’t want to. Oh my goodness, I just had a brilliant idea – you and Emma and I could do a triet together! You know, like a duet, but with three of us.’

  I snickered.

  ‘It’s nothing fancy. They’re just setting up a mic and CD player in the corner of the rec room. But it’ll be fun, Juli! A good opportunity just to hang out and enjoy some free confectionary and bad singing. What do you say?’

  Emma appeared on my other side and smiled. ‘Please?’

  I sighed. ‘Fine. But I’m not singing.’

  ‘That’s okay, you can just watch.’

  I was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and didn’t feel the need to wear anything more extravagant, despite watching Lori and Emma adorn decorative tops and leggings and titivate their faces with makeup. The most singing experience I’d had was one session with the school choir in Warrabeela when I was seven, and they’d kicked me out because I couldn’t stay in tune. I was certain my vocal skills hadn’t improved since then, and wasn’t game to put them to the test. But if Lori and Emma and I were just watching, the karaoke night might be kind of fun.

  I wasn’t in the same frame of mind by the time seven o’clock came around. Harvey had talked to me non-stop during dinner about a movie he’d just downloaded on his iPad. By the time we were all making our way to the rec room, I was tired and irritable and my eyes were itching for sleep. I just wanted to go curl up in my bunk and perhaps read for a while one of the novels I’d borrowed from the library. Unfortunately though, Lori and Emma were both wired up and eager to go to the karaoke night, and despite my protests, they dragged me along.

  ‘It’ll be fun, Juli,’ Lori said, looping her arm through mine as I glared at her. ‘You’ll perk up once we’re there.’

  I trudged along unwillingly.

  Someone had fitted two cheap disco lights to the ceiling with masking tape. They were revolving slowly and casting multi-coloured spots of light around the otherwise darkened recreation room. A microphone on its stand and a stereo with a boom box were situated in the corner; one of the older students was twiddling the knobs and testing the music out. Students were already starting to gather in the room, chattering excitedly. The flickering lights and the music and babble of voices were almost too much to take. I didn’t know how long I’d be able to handle it tonight before I needed to retreat to the dormitory.

  The couches were all full already, so we were forced to stand behind them in a row alongside a few of the tenth-grade boys. I saw a brown head bob through the crowd towards us, and Harvey suddenly appeared in front of me, grinning in the multi-coloured fluctuating light. I gave him a half-hearted smile, hoping he didn’t have anything left to say about the film he’d watched.

  ‘Hi there.’ He raised his voice to be heard as another group of ten or so students, followed by a few teachers, entered through the door. ‘Are you singing tonight?’

  I shook my head, tucking my hands in my pockets.

  ‘That’s a shame, I’m sure you’d sound good.’

  I raised my eyebrows, looking sideways as Lori bent around me to speak to him.

  ‘We’re trying to convince her to sing with us.’ She motioned between her and Emma. ‘We could just sing a really well-known song, if you don’t listen to much music,’ she added to me, nodding eagerly.

  I held up both hands, palms facing her. ‘I’m really fine.’

  ‘No, that’d be so cool,’ Harvey said excitedly, bumping his fist against my upper arm lightly. ‘Why don’t a big group of us go up and sing something? We could pick a really fun Disney song or something – aw, like that song off The Lion King! You know, the one where all the animals are standing on each other’s shoulders at the end? We could do it just the four of us, and Nell and James if they’re here.’ He looked around, arching his neck to see over the sea of heads surrounding us.

  I set my jaw and frowned at him, starting to feel a little antsy with the pressure. ‘You guys can sing if you want. I’ll just watch.’

  ‘Come on, Juli,’ Harvey said, digging a finger in my rib in what would normally have been an affectionate jab. Tonight it was unbearable and I shrugged away from him, scowling as I crossed my arms over my chest and hunched my shoulders.

  When Lori opened her mouth with what I thought would be another round of persuasion, I cut her off. ‘I need some space.’ I took a step back and turned away from them, shouldering my way through the rapidly accumulating students until I broke free into an unoccupied area at the back of the rec room. I made my way to the back wall, my arms still folded over my stomach defiantly, and sank back against it, crossing one ankle over the other.

  I was expecti
ng Lori and Emma to follow, but instead they thankfully just let me be. I took a few deep breaths by myself, relieved at the peace and quiet, half-closing my eyes and gazing at the patterned carpet in the dim light. I was just starting to relax when a figure appeared in front of me. I looked up, not even trying to contain my irritation as I identified Harvey’s shadowed face.

  ‘I thought you might like some company.’ His voice was quiet as he leant against the wall beside me, leaving far too small a gap between us. I could almost feel the hair on his arms tickling mine.

  I resisted the temptation to snap at him that he’d thought wrong, and instead carefully adjusted my position, swapping my feet over and in doing so inching away from him a little. It was starting to get stuffy in the rec room, spacious though it was, with the increasing numbers of students who kept appearing. Everyone was talking loudly to be heard over one another, and the din and sultry atmosphere were only making me sweaty and more uncomfortable.

  Harvey shrugged when I didn’t say anything, looking away from us towards the front of the rec room in a meditative way, the kind of way men in movies looked when they went to “comfort” a woman and ended up casually making a move. The thought heightened my discomfort, and I found my eyes searching for the door automatically.

  ‘I sometimes need to get away from things too, you know,’ he said.

  ‘Not as much as I do,’ I said, my voice tense.

  ‘Do you want to grab some fresh air?’

  As much as I wanted fresh air, I didn’t want it with Harvey. But I couldn’t bring myself to hurt his feelings by saying I wanted some time to myself, so I simply declined.

  ‘Okay.’ He was quiet for a moment. ‘You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to.’

  ‘I wasn’t going to.’

  He smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood. ‘That’s the stuff. I like a girl with spirit.’

  It was clearly meant to be nothing more than casual jest, but his comment tipped me over the edge, and it was all I could do to keep from glaring at him. I subconsciously pushed away from the wall and started shoving through the crowd towards the door, knowing if I stayed there any longer I’d end up punching him in the face.

  ‘Juli, there you are,’ a familiar voice said. I barely registered it was Courtney before she had both arms linked through mine and was dragging me through the crowds towards the microphone. ‘We’re singing a class song, just the tenth-grade girls. It’s only a Disney song – Bare Necessities? We thought everyone would know that one. Just hum the parts you don’t.’

  I tried to wrench my arm from her grasp, but she was both incredibly strong and I couldn’t pull free easily without hitting someone in the face. The students were filling the rec room so there was barely room to move. I tried to protest, but my mouth felt tight and immovable.

  Courtney pulled me to where the girls were all gathering at the front of the rec room, laughing and shouting. I felt heat rise to my face and a loud thumping noise muffle the sound around me. I would have looked for the source of the noise if I wasn’t already aware that it originated from my own head. The clamour of the students and the music blaring from the stereo were just too overwhelming. I felt a bubble of unrestrained anger flare inside me, and before I could stop it, it spilled over.

  ‘Come on…’

  I jerked my arm from Courtney’s hands with such force I nearly clipped her on the jaw. ‘I don’t want to fucking sing!’ I thought I’d barely been heard over the cacophony of voices and music, but the girls nearest us all looked over in surprise, their eyes wide and flickering with reflections from the disco lights.

  I turned and pushed towards the door, elbowing people out of my way and ignoring their yelps of pain. I pushed past the last few students meandering inside and turned to the right, stalking up the path and entering the dormitory complex. If anyone called after me, I didn’t hear them. The drumming in my head was so loud it drowned out even my own footsteps and tense breathing. I stormed up the stairs, anger and anxiety and everything else consuming my entire body until I couldn’t tell what I was feeling. I nearly knocked over two girls coming down to the party as I passed them. Once on the second floor, I stalked to the bathroom and slammed the door closed behind me so forcefully the doors of the cubicles trembled. I didn’t cry. I just fumed internally until it became so overpowering I stood in front of the sink and hurled my fist at the mirror.

  It splinted into a star of broken glass, slicing my fingers as I recoiled in astonishment. I stared at the broken mirror, barely aware of the blood dripping over my knuckles and into the sink, my eyes wide and the frenzy inside of me suddenly plummeting into shock.

  ‘Shit,’ I said.

  I gaped at the broken glass, stunned that I’d actually broken it. I felt my whole body go cold and numb as sweat broke out on my forehead. I stepped back shakily, my right hand trembling and splattering blood over the tiles. I pulled it against my chest and moved towards the door, my eyes fixed to the broken mirror as though it might suddenly explode. When I reached the door, I groped for the knob and turned it, backing outside and closing it again with a sharp snap. My chest felt hollow as I turned around, not knowing what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone, though a small voice in the far reaches of my mind whispered nastily that they were going to find out eventually. Oh my God, what have I done? I thought, my stomach knotting tightly. I didn’t know what else to do, so I strode to the end of the hall to the broom cupboard and shut myself inside before anyone could see me.

  I cradled my hand against my chest as I backed through the darkness, kicking a bucket over. It clattered loudly, making me jump, and I sought out the back of the cupboard and sank to the floor. They’d find me eventually, but at least here I had some space to collect myself.

  I tried not to imagine how angry the staff would be when they realised what I’d done. And it would most definitely freak my friends out. If I had enough power to punch through a freaking mirror, I had enough power to break a few noses when I got in a temper. And my mother… Despite every effort not to contemplate how my mother would react, I couldn’t help but picture her face when she found out. If she didn’t drive here herself to scream at me, she would at least be lecturing me for a good hour over the phone. I could visualise her already stalking up and down the driveway as she yelled at me through her mobile.

  My awareness very slowly started shifting back into focus. I realised suddenly that I was shaking, not so much that the inside of the cupboard wobbled, but enough that I couldn’t hold my hands steady. The back of my T-shirt was soaked with sweat, and the front was now streaked with blood. My face felt pinched and my eyes were aching, but my cheeks were free from tears.

  I wondered how long I would have to sit here before someone found me. It was stifling inside the cupboard, and my neck was hot and clammy. Maybe they weren’t even looking for me, I thought bitterly. Maybe they’d all given me up for lost, unwilling to find me and have to deal with me. It was no wonder Mum had to pack me off to boarding school; my behaviour was beyond even my control, let alone anyone else’s.

  I had barely a minute to contemplate this before footsteps were suddenly pounding down the corridor, and a voice was yelling for Mrs Carroll, the eleventh-grade girls’ form teacher.

  ‘Mrs Carroll? Mrs Carrol! Help! Can someone come help? Is someone there?’

  There were hurrying footsteps. ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘There’s blood in the bathroom – the mirror’s cracked – there’s glass in the sink and blood all over – all over the tiles—’

  More footsteps, then: ‘Can you go fetch another staff member for me? Quickly.’

  Running footsteps disappearing down the stairs, then moments later, more running back up. I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was frozen in position, hunched over my hands as I clutched them to my chest. It felt like I had gone into shock.

  ‘What’s going on? Bridget said something about blood in the bathroom…’ A familiar voice, my brain registered.

 
; ‘About a dozen spots on the floor, and more in the sink. Not critical, but someone’s injured. The mirror’s in pieces.’

  ‘The mirror?’

  ‘Have a look.’

  Footsteps, a door opening and closing again with a snap. My body had stopped trembling by then, having entered some sort of catatonic state. It was as though it had maintained its state of hypervigilance for so long that suddenly its physical and emotional resources ran dry. I clenched my teeth hard enough that my jaw started to ache. Pretty soon, they were going to find me, I thought, and there was no way they’d keep me in St Peter’s after this. Running away had been enough for expulsion, and they’d let it slip on account of emotional distress. Vandalising property was ten times worse – and I didn’t have an excuse this time.

  Full Moon

  There were more hurried footsteps, and then another set ascending the stairs.

  ‘Is everything alright up here? Bridget ran out of the rec room looking panicked. Are you alright, Jen? You look pale.’

  ‘Situation in the bathroom.’

  ‘What? Vomiting?’

  ‘No, no. There’s a cracked mirror and blood on the floor.’

  The new voice tightened. ‘Is there a student in there?’

  ‘No, it’s empty.’ There was real fear in Miss Wheaton’s voice; part of me wanted to emerge and own up so she wasn’t feeling so anxious. But the other half was holding me desperately in place in the broom cupboard.

  ‘Well, just relax. It can’t be much more than a cut hand, can it? Someone’s obviously just hit it.’

  ‘There were a few shards of glass in the sink. What if she – what if…?’ A fist tightened around my heart. Nobody had ever sounded so worried about me. Miss Wheaton cleared her throat, sounding more composed when she next spoke. ‘No, I’m sure she’s fine.’

  ‘Is it who I think it is?’