Yours, Juli

by Thalia Lark

  ‘I know it’s just fear. I just don’t know what will happen.’

  Miss Wheaton’s forehead creased. ‘Could anyone know what would happen?’

  ‘I suppose not.’

  She paused for a moment before continuing. ‘So what’s “screwed-up” about your head? Is it just the fear of coming out?’

  I shrugged, gazing at the floor. ‘Mum hates it. Being gay and all.’

  ‘Do you think she’d feel differently if you told her you were gay?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.’

  ‘So…maybe you don’t tell her.’ Miss Wheaton shrugged, watching me with a composed expression. ‘Maybe you just told the people closest to you. What’s the worst that could happen?’

  I dropped my chin, but this time in thought rather than shame. ‘I don’t know. I mean, Mum would find out eventually, and then the worst that could happen is I get kicked out of home I suppose. But…’ I frowned, then slowly shook my head, raising my eyes to meet Miss Wheaton’s. ‘I don’t think she’d do that. I know she wouldn’t agree with my choices, and I know she’s probably not – you know, capable of thinking about it rationally at the moment anyway, but she’s not a bad person. Even if we don’t see eye to eye on most things, I’m still her daughter.’

  As a moment of silence ensued and I thought back over what I’d said, I wondered how my attachment to my mum could be so freaking strong after everything that had happened. After all the fights and the verbal abuse and the distant, uncaring looks; after the anxiety and stress of being pushed out of home, and of having no one to rely on, and the ordeal with Social Services and the hospital; after our worlds, already so distant from each other, had been separated even more…how could I still care what she thought? How could I still consider her a part of the equation? My mum and I weren’t suited to an enduring relationship. We had too many differences, and too many similarities, to ever make it work. Perhaps it was time I started to let her go, I thought, feeling a stab of sorrow in my chest. Perhaps it was finally time that I accepted I would never have the relationship I wanted with her, and start to move on. I took a deep breath, holding back the tears stoically and gazing into the distance. ‘I can’t stop thinking of my mum,’ I whispered, frowning at the closed door of Miss Wheaton’s office. ‘I can’t stop thinking of how it will affect her. We’ve barely got enough relationship left to save, and yet I can’t stop thinking that all this will do is create another barrier.’

  Miss Wheaton watched me quietly for a moment, her tone gentle when she finally spoke again. ‘She’s still your mum, Juli. Take it from someone who knows: no matter how much shit goes on in a family, you’ll still always love them, no matter how hard it is. But there has to be a balance, sweetheart, a balance between caring for your family and caring for yourself. And right now, you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. So the question is, are you prepared to ignore your feelings and push Alex away simply because of what your mother might think?’

  I frowned. ‘How do you know it’s Alex?’

  ‘I’m a teacher, Juli. I know everything that goes on in this place.’

  I smiled vaguely at that and then lapsed back into thought. Was I really willing to ignore my feelings for Alex, pretend to like guys, deny my entire sense of self-identity, and live a life of unhappiness…just for my mum? Yes, we were related, and yes, I would still always love her, and yes, perhaps I could have shown her a little more respect over the years. But I couldn’t keep lying to myself just to placate her. I’d be denying myself true love for the rest of my life, and life wasn’t really worth living if it didn’t involve love. Animals and dysfunctional families could only get you so far – I’d learnt that much at least. And life certainly didn’t seem worth living without Alex.

  ‘We got into a fight,’ I said. ‘Alex and I. Well, it wasn’t really a fight. It was more of a break-up. She said she didn’t want to see me anymore, that she couldn’t see me anymore…because she’s tired of me not being able to be honest and open about the relationship. And I told Lori about us, you know, before we even got into the argument, but I couldn’t seem to tell Alex that.’

  ‘What do you reckon would happen if you did come out?’

  I shrugged again. People might talk for a few days, some people might disagree with it, and some might approach me and ask me about it. But I knew my friends wouldn’t care, and my teachers wouldn’t care, and I didn’t think my father would care, and as for my mother – well, Miss Wheaton was right. I didn’t need to tell her straight away, at least not while she was still in hospital. And Alex…Alex would be over the moon. More than that, I knew she would be proud of me.

  And that was when I suddenly had an epiphany.

  What would my future look like if the secrets continued? I’d be flitting between unexciting relationships with men I wasn’t attracted to, denying myself the pleasure of real love, real romance, real attraction, simply because I was scared. Wouldn’t it be better just to come out now, ignore what everyone else thought, and enjoy myself while it lasted? And if it changed, if one day in the future I did decide I liked guys, well…at least I wouldn’t have wasted ten years waiting until I was one hundred percent sure. Because I was sure about Alex now, and suddenly that was all that really seemed to matter.

  The knot of tension in my gut started to unwind a little. ‘This is terrifying.’

  Miss Wheaton spread her hands in front of her, palms upwards. ‘Don’t let it be terrifying. Just take it one step at a time.’

  I nodded. ‘Maybe if I just told my closest friends first, and then worked my way up from there.’ I stared at the carpet, leaning forward to brace my elbows on my knees. Then I hesitated for a moment, internally hoping that some enormous splurge of courage would suddenly inspire me to go and tell the entire world they could fuck themselves, because I was gay and proud of it. Well, no huge wave of courage turned up, but a small ripple in my chest did, and suddenly I wanted to go tell Emma and Harvey the truth, and that was a good start.

  ‘I know I shouldn’t be trying to influence your decision,’ Miss Wheaton said, looking at me intently, ‘but imagine how much better you’d feel if you didn’t have to hide who you are anymore. Imagine being able to hang out with Alex like the other girls hang out with their boyfriends. Imagine having that kind of freedom.’

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘You can, Juli. You’re a strong, brave young woman—’

  ‘No.’ I looked up and smiled at her suddenly. ‘I mean I can’t even imagine it.’

  She pressed her lips together and smiled back, her blue eyes twinkling with delight.

  I pushed myself off the edge of the mattress and turned slowly towards the door, looking back and shrugging my shoulders a little, my lips now permanently upturned. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘It was my pleasure. It always is, Juli, you know that.’

  I nodded and hesitated, and then suddenly I turned around and strode hurriedly over to her, leaning down and wrapping my arms around her neck before she could even comprehend what was happening. She laughed a little and wound her arms around me, patting my back gently with one hand. ‘It was my pleasure.’

  Suddenly the phone rang from her desk, and she excused herself with a smile to go and answer it. After a moment of quiet, she turned back to me with a small smile. ‘It’s for you. Line one.’

  I sat down at her desk chair and worriedly picked up the phone as she backed out of the room and shut the door behind her. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hey, sweetheart, it’s Dad.’

  My expression relaxed somewhat.

  ‘I was just calling to let you know that you are now the brand new big sister of little Edward Francis Winters-Page.’

  I smiled. ‘Really? I have a little brother?’ I hadn’t thought the birth of my half-sibling would feel like a concrete part of my reality. After all, I’d just barely reconnected with my dad, and I’d never even met his girlfriend. But excitement rapidly started stirring in my chest at the news. />
  ‘You really do, sweetheart. He was born about an hour ago. Seven pounds ten, no complications, except for being a few weeks overdue of course. I’ll tell you what, Mel’s glad that he’s finally arrived. She was getting very uncomfortable.’

  ‘Are you calling from the hospital?’

  ‘Yeah. Anyway, we can’t fly up just yet as Edward’s too young, so you’ll have to wait until you come down for the holidays to meet him. But he won’t have grown all that much by then, don’t you worry. And guess what, sweetheart? You’ll be very pleased with this. I’ve already bought Edward his first Akubra, so that when we come up to Warrabeela to visit you in the future he’ll be suitably adorned. Melanie and I are even looking at possibly buying a small block of land just outside Melbourne. My job’s in the city but I’m really missing the country, you know?’

  I nodded. ‘That’s great Dad.’

  ‘And we’ve set up the spare room for you. There’s a cupboard of baby clothes in there but Edward’s cot will be in our room for the first few months so you’ll have plenty of privacy. The second bathroom is right across the hall from your room so you’ve got that all to yourself too. Oh my God, Julianne, you’re going to love him. He’s so beautiful, all pink and soft and squishy. Did I tell you he’s got your eyes and chin? He’s going to be a mini-you, I can see it now. I can’t wait until he’s old enough and you and I can teach him to ride. You know what they say, a true country boy should be able to ride a horse before he can walk. Mel’s looking forward to having an extra helper over the holidays too. It’s not easy raising a child, you know. I do everything I can when I’m home of course, but I work nine till five in the city, and the tram ride takes half an hour there and back. Anyway, we’ll be able to introduce him properly soon.’

  I couldn’t help but smile at the rapture of his tone. ‘I can’t wait.’ Then I paused, chewing on my bottom lip uncertainly. ‘Have you heard any more from Mum?’

  ‘I have, sweetheart. That was my second piece of news.’

  ‘She’s okay, isn’t she?’

  ‘Your mother’s fine, don’t you worry. Someone from the hospital rang me up yesterday to give me an update. She hasn’t attempted any further self-harm since the incident several weeks back. They’ve organised a mental health care plan for her and said she’s progressing nicely in therapy. I think they’re aiming to be able to discharge her from the hospital within the next couple of months, but they’ll be increasing the dosage of her medication before then and assessing the property and all that to determine whether letting her come home is going to be the most productive option.’

  ‘But she’s okay?’

  ‘She’s okay.’

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  ‘So tell me how school’s going?’

  I hesitated. ‘Alright, I suppose. I’m fairly sure I’m going to fail this term though. There’s been – a lot going on, and I haven’t had much time to study.’

  ‘Is there anything I can help with?’

  ‘Can you sit my exams for me?’

  ‘I wish I could, honey. Well…all you can do is your best – we can work around whatever happens after that.’

  ‘I have something to tell you as well.’ A little voice suddenly piped up in my head shouting No! but I pushed it away with a small triumphant smile, and then I took a deep breath and exhaled in a rush. ‘I’m gay.’

  My father was silent for a second. ‘Wow, I was not expecting that. Well…good on you! That’s fantastic, love. I’m so happy for you.’

  I smiled, astonishment blossoming in my chest. ‘Really?’

  ‘Of course! Honey, you could like men, women or cartoon characters and I wouldn’t mind. I just want you to be happy. Is there a special someone around who helped you figure all this out?’

  ‘Well, yes…’

  He was silent for a moment, then when I didn’t continue: ‘Are you dating?’

  ‘We were, but we sort of…broke up. I haven’t actually come out yet, not until today, so we’ve sort of been dating under the radar, and then – I pushed her off me when someone saw us kissing.’

  He was quiet for a moment. ‘She probably just felt a little rejected, love.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say to her to fix it.’

  ‘Well…’ He took a deep, slow breath. ‘You know, honey, I’m not sure if you’ll be able to fix it until you do come out. If she wants to go out with someone who’s open about the relationship, then that’s what you’ll have to give her.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I sighed. ‘I’m going to tell my closest friends and then go talk to her.’ Hopefully she would be happy enough that I’d made a start, and wouldn’t mind me taking it slow.

  ‘That sounds like a good idea. And I’m so proud of you for coming out, honey. That’s a really big step to take for anyone, especially for someone as young as yourself – and even more so considering the shit you’ve had to go through over the last few months. You’ll have to invite her to Melbourne one day. Oh, I’m just so excited to have you coming to stay this holiday. We’ll have a fantastic time, don’t you worry. Now I’m so sorry to break up this wonderful conversation, but I’d better get back to Mel and Edward. I think they’re going to try breastfeeding again in a few minutes. I’ll ring you again on the weekend to give you an update on the baby, okay? And you let me know how it goes with your girlfriend.’

  I grinned. It felt weird to hear someone else call Alex my girlfriend, but it was a good kind of weird, a very good kind of weird.

  Allegations

  I didn’t get a chance to speak to Emma until the following day, and even then it was only brief. Everyone was so caught up in the hype of examinations; Emma didn’t even hear me when I told her I was gay the first time. I repeated myself slowly and her eyes brightened. ‘That’s great,’ she said, gripping my arm lightly and smiling, and then she turned her attention back to her textbook, leaving me to exhale in a mixture of relief and astonishment.

  I wasn’t able to talk to anyone else until after exam block had passed. Harvey was still avoiding me, and I hadn’t been able to find Alex since the scene beside the library. I’d seen her a few times from a distance during assembly, but she’d refused to look in my direction. So I just focused as well as I was able to on my schoolwork, until finally the snowball of examinations and assessments had passed. My plan was to seek her out the following Wednesday afternoon after classes, once the stress of mid-semester reports had been alleviated with the release of our subject grades. But that morning after second period, before I’d had a chance to prep myself and think about what I was going to say to her, she suddenly appeared from the dormitory complex as I was walking back with my books.

  I frowned as I noticed that her fists were balled beside her and her expression was stony. She watched me from a distance as we approached each other, her eyes hard and her mouth set in a frown, and then suddenly it dawned on me that she was walking directly towards me. Rather than subtly motion me off to one side though, she shouldered her way through the group of students separating us and came to a standstill in front of me. ‘I need to speak with you.’

  ‘I need to speak with you too.’ I followed her off to one side of the walkway, and then I opened my mouth to tell her about what had happened, but she interrupted me before I could say anything, reaching up a hand and pointing at me with one forefinger, such unfriendliness emanating from her that I was surprised she didn’t actually jab me with it.

  ‘You know that kid that saw us making out?’ she said. ‘Well, apparently she got scared after you told me to get off you, and after a good deal of thought she decided she was sure I’d been – you know, doing stuff against your will. Yes, it took her a good few days to finally pluck up the courage to speak, but her righteous soul just couldn’t keep quiet.’ Alex’s cheeks reddened and her eyes glistened with tears suddenly. ‘Your fucked-up reaction now has the principal thinking I was sexually harassing you – which wouldn’t be hard to accept, you know, given your friends already lodged their c
omplaints a couple of months ago.’

  I felt my insides clench, and my expression closed off automatically.

  Alex crossed her arms over her chest, looking more uncomfortable and exposed than I’d thought she was capable of, though she was trying not to show it. ‘I’m now being questioned as to whether I understand the legal consequences of sexual assault.’ She shook her head, her expression resentful. ‘You’re going to have to say something.’

  ‘Why didn’t you just tell Mrs Bentley that we’re together?’

  Her mouth fell open suddenly, her eyes narrowing scornfully. ‘Oh my God. Oh my God, you’re a motherfucking genius. Now why didn’t I think of that before?’ She glared at me, tightening her fists against her elbows. ‘Oh, that’s right – because she doesn’t fucking believe me, does she? And it’s not like I’m going to be arrested or anything, but I’ll sure as hell get kicked out of St Peter’s with allegations like this against me…Actually, come to think about it, maybe I will get arrested. Maybe they’ll just lock me up in juvie until I’m old enough to be transferred to an adult prison, where I can officially begin my life as an alleged sex offender… Fucking hell. This is all your fault. If you’d just reacted less defensively, we wouldn’t be in this mess. You’re going to have to go speak to the principal and tell her the truth. And before you can give me some pathetic little line about how you’re not ready, let me tell you that I really don’t give a shit how you feel anymore, Julianne. If you don’t come clean now, I’ll end up under lock and key. Do you understand? This is serious. So you have to speak up, alright? I don’t care how or who to, just fix it.’