Head Over Tentacles

by K. L. Hiers

  “No, I actually don’t know. He might be a freakin’ atheist for all I know. This isn’t just about illegal magic. There’s that whole teeny, tiny murder thing.”

  “You mean Kunst?” Loch’s brow scrunched, and he offered another tentacle. “My love, it was his choice to sacrifice himself.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure the cops will love to hear that,” Sloane mumbled. “The worst part is now that I’m thinking about it, it’s like he died for nothing. We destroyed the totem that would wake up Salgumel, but there are still other people, other gods, trying to find a way!”

  “And we shall stop them,” Loch said confidently.

  “You’re always so sure. Why?”

  “Because we’re together.” Loch smiled. “And together, my love, we can do anything. We obviously have Great Azaethoth’s blessing. What more could you want?”

  “I guess a sword of starlight is a pretty big sign that we’re on the right track,” Sloane said, managing a tired laugh. “Glad to know we have a fan.”

  “I think it’s safe to say he ships us,” Loch added gleefully.

  “How do you even know what that means?”

  “Milo told me, because he ships Han Solo with General Leia. I believe he also said they’re his OTP, which is a title of great prestige.”

  “Right.”

  “We’re probably Great Azaethoth’s OTP. I’m still his favorite great-great-great-grandson, you know.”

  “I know you are.”

  “He might even show up to our wedding!”

  “You really think so?” Sloane asked, quirking a skeptical brow.

  “My dear Starkiller,” Loch said smugly, “anything could happen. You just need to have faith.”

  “Right.” Sloane’s phone rang, and he reached for it. “It’s Fred.”

  “Ah-ah! You’re driving!” Loch scolded, using a tentacle to snatch it away from Loch. He answered it on speaker, saying politely, “Azaethoth the Lesser here, how may I be of assistance?”

  “You guys okay?” Fred asked gruffly.

  “Everything is just peachy,” Sloane replied. “Uh, why do you ask?”

  “Because I got a call from a good friend of mine who works down at Crosby-Ayers Funeral Home,” Fred explained. “Kitty York? Maybe you met her.”

  “Shit. No. I don’t think we met her. What now?”

  “She’s part of a little network of people who like to help ghouls. Told me, uh, that they just had a ghoul’s body vanish from the funeral home after some nice-lookin’ guy with big eyebrows came in to see him? Sounds a lot like you.”

  “Did she say anything about the ghoul?” Loch asked. “Maybe mention how dashingly handsome he was? That he exuded an immortal charm despite being a lifeless corpse?”

  “No,” Fred said flatly.

  “We’re fine,” Sloane promised. “Thanks for checking on us.”

  “No problem.”

  “Did you still need help with your penis?” Loch piped up. “You never did call me back, and I was just wondering—”

  Click.

  “—if you needed… hmmph.” Loch made a face and set Sloane’s phone back in the cupholder. “All I ever want to do is help people, and they’re so rude.”

  “Whatever Fred wanted, I’m very sure that one, it had nothing to do with his penis, and two, he figured it out or he would have called you back before now.”

  “Hmmph. As if anyone else’s advice could possibly be better than mine.”

  Sloane did his best to soothe Loch’s bruised ego and stay positive, but his heart was currently thudding in his stomach for what was ahead of them. He still felt sick when he and Loch walked into his office. The door was unlocked, and Alexander was lounging in his chair at the desk.

  “What took you so long?” Alexander asked dryly, lighting up a cigarette with a snap of his fingers.

  “Don’t ever leave a body at the post office,” Sloane quipped, and he moved to open a window to air out the smoke.

  “I’m going to leave them a scathing review online,” Loch promised.

  The room behind Alexander shimmered, Rota’s invisible body settling in there with a soft laugh.

  “So, to business,” Alexander said. “Gronoch has taken the body of a man named Peter Myers. He’s the lead researcher for Hazel Medical.”

  “Is the real Peter Myers alive?” Sloane asked.

  “Yes. He’s a devout follower of Gronoch. He’s a willing vessel for that bastard. Fitting for a doctor, you know. Worshipping the God of Healing and Attrition.”

  “Is there somewhere else we can try to find him? Talk to him?”

  “He’s out of the country,” Alexander replied, flicking his cigarette. The ashes disappeared before they could hit the floor. “Hazel Medical is having a big summit in London, but he’ll be back early tomorrow morning for a press conference.”

  “I was hoping for something a little less public?” Sloane cringed, and he sat down in one of the chairs by his desk. “Don’t you know where Gronoch lives when he’s not at Hazel? You found my home, after all. You must know some sort of tracking sorcery.”

  “Sorcery?” Alexander actually laughed. “I found your office address on Jay’s calendar, and once I knew who you were, it wasn’t hard to look up your home address.”

  “Well, shit. I guess you weren’t divining Jay’s blood to track him down either, were you?”

  “No?” Alexander frowned. “Who even does that? Divining is crap.”

  “Right.”

  “Why don’t we just go back to the shiny building that promised towels and mugs?” Loch nodded his head at Alexander. “That’s where we found you, yes?”

  “Yes, it’s where we live,” Alexander said curtly. “There’s nothing there.”

  “Even in the labs?” Sloane pressed. “I’m sure a god’s body would be quite the prized specimen.”

  “We’ve already looked,” Alexander snapped.

  “Even down in the restricted levels, we’ve only ever found human material,” Rota added, trying to be helpful. “My body isn’t there.”

  “Human material?” Sloane echoed, exchanging a worried glance with Loch. “Alexander, where are the people you took before going after Jay?”

  “If any of them are alive, they’re probably in the labs,” Alexander said calmly. “Gronoch may snatch people from all over the world, but his nasty little experiments only happen here.”

  “What the hell is everyone’s fascination with this town?” Sloane mumbled under his breath. He quickly got back on track. “So you’re telling me that there’s potentially innocent people trapped down there right now?”

  Alexander sat up straight, his eyes narrowing as he hissed, “Oh, don’t even think about it.”

  “Wait. What are we thinking about?” Loch rejoined the conversation with a grin. “Because I’m thinking about my very strongly worded review for the post office. What’s happening?”

  “There are innocent people trapped at the Hazel Medical building down in their labs,” Sloane explained urgently. “We have to help them.”

  “No,” Alexander corrected. “What we need to do is hunt Gronoch. He’ll be back tomorrow, and we can follow him after the press conference, and then you can whip out that beautiful sword of starlight and make him tell us where Rota’s body is!”

  “Thought you wanted me to kill him,” Sloane drawled.

  “After he tells us!”

  “This first!” Sloane argued passionately. “You said this is the only facility where Gronoch is doing the experiments, right? We can shut him down and save all those people!”

  “That’s stupid!” Alexander seethed. “The labs are heavily protected, and trying to go down there would be fuckin’ suicide!”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  Growling in frustration, Alexander reached for another cigarette. “This is fucking ridiculous. The last time Rota and I tried to go down there, Gronoch almost killed us! It’s idiotic, it’s….” He paused, exhaling a long puff of smoke. “I
t’s perfect.”

  Alexander…? Rota sounded concerned.

  “Ohhh, is it going to be dangerous?” Loch asked eagerly.

  “Very,” Alexander confirmed with a wicked smile. “You want to go save those people? Let’s go.”

  “Wait, wait, what was that about Gronoch almost killing you?” Sloane demanded.

  “Here’s the plan.” Alexander inhaled deeply. “My clearance can get us down to the first restricted level where the staff quarters are. Beyond that, where you want to go rescue people, is going to be a challenge….”

  “How much of a challenge?”

  “Armed security teams, all expert witches, and dozens of silencing ward traps,” Alexander replied. “Rota and I made it down all the way to the very bottom level before Gronoch came.”

  “You want him to come,” Sloane realized out loud. “You don’t care about those poor people, you just want to draw him out!”

  Skillfully blowing a smoke ring, Alexander snorted, “Duh.” He smirked. “What are you worried about, Starkiller? With all of our power combined, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “I still haven’t agreed to kill anyone,” Sloane warned. “I want to help those people, and I want to try reasoning with Gronoch.”

  “Trust me,” Alexander said. “Once you meet him, you’ll very quickly learn there is no reasoning with him.”

  “Well,” Loch snapped, “we have our own plan.”

  “We do?” Sloane asked under his breath.

  “Please, Little Azaethoth,” Alexander drawled. “Tell us what your great plan is.”

  “We have something that even a mighty god like Gronoch fears,” Loch said dramatically, rising up to his full height and brandishing a dashing smile. “Something that will call him to heel, that will make him shake with terror in his fleshy disguise….”

  “What?”

  “His mother.”

  Chapter 11.

  “ABSOLUTELY NOT,” Urilith bellowed, her hands planted firmly on her hips as she glared at Loch.

  “But Mother!” Loch protested.

  “You want me to kill my own son? My child?”

  “Our own brother?” Galgareth spat.

  “Now wait a moment! That’s not what I said!” Loch argued smoothly.

  “Yes, you did!” Urilith yelled. “You said that—”

  “I said that Sloane is going to kill him!”

  Urilith glared at Sloane, and Sloane grimaced.

  Oh, this wasn’t going well at all.

  They had regrouped over at Lynnette’s, and introductions were strained. Alexander didn’t want to meet anyone, and Rota was equally hesitant. They popped right up on the roof to avoid everyone and so Alexander could smoke.

  Loch was trying to convince Urilith to help them, but the conversation was turning disastrous very quickly.

  Lynnette was hiding in the kitchen but occasionally peeked into the living room to see what was going on.

  “Urilith,” Sloane pleaded, “I know it sounds really bad, but I don’t want to hurt anyone! That’s why we want you to come with us! We want to try to talk Gronoch down, see if he’ll stop!”

  “Ha!” Urilith scoffed. “You’re trying to set a trap for him!”

  “Just a tiny one,” Loch said with a sweet smile. It withered when Urilith turned her angry glare on him. “Mother, please listen. Gronoch doesn’t like me. None of my brothers ever did. He’s not going to listen to me, but he might listen to you!”

  “What am I supposed to say to him?” Urilith snarled, her anger beginning to weaken. “How he’s completely broken my heart… how he’s betrayed the very mortals we were supposed to nurture and protect?”

  “That would be a good start!”

  Urilith scowled, and she bopped Loch on top of his head with one of her tentacles.

  “Ow!” Loch mumbled, rubbing his head. “Well, it would be.”

  “I’m sorry, my sweet child,” Urilith said. “I can’t help you. Whatever the circumstances, I can’t choose between my children. I know what’s at stake… I just….” She wrung her hands and shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “Then I’ll go.” Galgareth stood up abruptly from the sofa.

  “Galgareth?” Urilith frowned with worry. “My sweet daughter, why?”

  “Because Gronoch needs to hear these things,” Galgareth replied firmly. “He may have already chosen to side against us and mankind, but he’s still our family. He deserves a chance to change his mind.”

  “I pray that he does,” Urilith whispered, and she pulled Galgareth into a close embrace. She reached for Loch and dragged him into the hug too.

  Sloane took a few steps back to give them space, but he found a yellow tentacle tugging him over.

  “You’re one of my children now,” Urilith said, stroking Sloane’s hair. “Before you leave on your quest, I want you all to have my blessing.”

  “Thank you.” Sloane smiled shyly.

  He hadn’t had a family in so long, his heart ached in a way that was strange and unfamiliar. It made his knees feel like spaghetti, but he also felt like he could take on the whole world with one noodly step.

  With arms and tentacles wrapped all around him, he hadn’t felt so loved in decades:

  The adoration of a spunky sister.

  The affection of a kind mother.

  And the undying love of a beautiful soul, a god, who would do anything for him.

  Sloane was crying before he realized it, an awesome sensation flowing through him from so much tenderness and divine contact. It was surreal, his new family and faith, both wrapped around him like a warm blanket.

  He jerked his head up when he heard someone else crying, seeing Lynnette at the doorway.

  She was sobbing into her hands, wailing, “I’m sorry! It’s just so beautiful!”

  “Come, mortal child.” Urilith beckoned her over and pulled Lynnette into their massive group hug. “Join us… both of you.”

  Lynnette wiggled into their embrace, and she was still crying. “Both…? Both of us?”

  Urilith’s arms wrapped around her, and a stray tentacle petted Lynnette’s long hair. “Yes, my child. You and the babe you carry inside of you.”

  “Huh?” Lynnette’s head snapped up. “I’m pregnant?”

  “What?” Sloane gasped.

  “You didn’t know?” Urilith smiled warmly. “Ah, then I am pleased to hear the news if you are, dear one.”

  “Yes! I think! Holy shit!” Lynnette slapped her hands over her mouth. “Oh wow. I knew I hadn’t been feeling right, and I was late, but I’m, like, always late—”

  “Are you happy?” Urilith asked.

  “Yes,” Lynnette said with more certainty. “I’m happy. I love Milo so much, and ugh, I’ve been so awful to him. Oh! Milo! I have to tell him!”

  “Congratulations!” Sloane exclaimed, and he hugged Lynnette tightly. “I’m so happy for you! Milo is gonna freak out!”

  “Freak out?” Lynnette frowned.

  “Happy freak out! Totally happy!” Sloane promised. “You have any idea how much he’s gonna love being a father?”

  Lynnette laughed, caught up in an emotional wave of tears.

  “If it’s a boy, just be prepared. We both know he’s gonna wanna name him Han Solo!”

  “Maybe not!” Lynnette defended. “It could be Luke!”

  Sloane grinned. “Seriously, congrats.”

  “I’m going to go tell him right now!” Lynnette declared, sweeping her hair back and smiling at all the gods before her. “Thank you all. For all your blessings.”

  “I can’t take credit for this one.” Urilith chuckled, and her tentacles reached out to reverently touch Lynnette’s stomach. “Ah, but this… this is from me. Thank you for your hospitality and all your kindness. May your pregnancy be gentle and your sickness vanish.”

  “Thank you!” Lynnette gushed, and she rubbed her stomach excitedly. “Hear that, little Han-or-Luke-or-possibly-Leia? We’ve been blessed!”

  “Congrat
ulations!” Galgareth gave Lynnette a big hug. “Now! Go see your mate and share the news!”

  Waving frantically, Lynnette took off running to the door.

  “Think she’ll have any trouble getting into the precinct?” Loch mused, the first thing he’d said in several minutes.

  “Nah,” Sloane said. “Lynnette’s pretty fierce, and with that baby on board? They’d better just let her in to see Milo.” He paused and tried to catch Loch’s eye. “You okay?”

  “Fine,” Loch said all too quickly.

  “I’m going to prepare a feast,” Urilith announced. “To celebrate the new life growing inside our hostess and to bless you both on your quest tomorrow. Hmm, I don’t suppose there are cows available for humane slaughter and feasting?”

  “No, but there’s a grocery store down on Fifth Street according to Toby.” Galgareth took Urilith’s arm and brandished a wallet chain. “Inside this is a device called a ‘Visa’ that we can use to purchase what we need for the feast.”

  “Will you two be all right with Alexander and the godling?” Urilith asked.

  “I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Sloane replied. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t intend on coming down from the roof anytime soon.”

  Urilith kissed them farewell. “Tonight will be a wondrous celebration! There’s so many dishes I’m going to cook.” She patted Sloane’s arm. “Maybe even a few I’ll make again for your wedding!”

  “That sounds great! Thank you!”

  Galgareth hugged Sloane and Loch, assuring them, “And before you ask, I promise we’ll be fine. The grocery store is close, and I’m much better suited to navigating the mortal realm.”

  “Be safe,” Sloane still cautioned, waving goodbye as the goddesses departed. When they were alone, he turned to address Loch. “Hey, seriously. What’s going on? You’re never this quiet unless Gordon Ramsey is on.”

  Loch frowned, and he took Sloane’s hands in his and curled a few tentacles around his wrists to deepen the connection. “I’m… troubled.”

  “Talk to me, Loch,” Sloane encouraged, pressing closer and kissing his cheek. “We’re mates, right? We’re getting married in just a few weeks. You can tell me anything.”

  “My family,” Loch tried, uncharacteristically awkward, clearly struggling to find the words. “I’m going to miss them.”