Head Over Tentacles

by K. L. Hiers

  “That depends.” Lynnette grinned and rubbed her belly. “Are we counting the unborn?”

  “Technically,” Milo teased, draping his hand over Lynnette’s, “the baby can’t hear until eighteen weeks, so we’ve got some time.”

  “Wait, you’re pregnant?” Jay sputtered. “Wow! Uhm, that’s awesome! Congratulations, guys!”

  “Thank you!” Lynnette beamed.

  “Okay!” Sloane laughed. “Now that’s everybody who knows.”

  “It’s still a very exclusive club.” Milo grinned. “I’m working on T-shirts.”

  “I guess we need to get one for Ted too.” Jay chuckled nervously. “I can’t even imagine what he’s been through over in Xenon.”

  “We can go see him now if ya want,” Asta offered. “Just a quick portal away.”

  “Yeah,” Jay said, standing up. He swayed a little, but Asta was right there to steady him. He smiled shyly. “I want to. It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything—”

  “You really shouldn’t,” Loch advised.

  “—but I want to see my friend.”

  “Sure thing.” Asta stripped off the apron and tossed it over to Sloane. “Hey, Azzy. Sloane.” He flashed a big toothy grin. “You ever need anything, you’ve got one hell of an IOU with the Asran royal family.”

  “Do you have cake?” Loch asked hopefully.

  “Loch,” Sloane warned, trying to shield his eyes from Asta’s naked body with the discarded apron.

  Too late.

  He couldn’t unsee it now.

  Asta definitely had two dicks.

  “But I want cake,” Loch fussed, distracting Sloane from the bizarre anatomical revelation.

  “I will get you a cake later, I promise.”

  “Thank you both,” Jay said sincerely. “Thanks for keeping me safe and finding out what happened to Ted. I’m still trying to get a handle on all of this, but… I appreciate it.”

  “It was our pleasure,” Sloane said with a warm smile.

  “You’ll get our bill in the mail.” Loch wrapped his arm around Sloane’s shoulders.

  Sloane elbowed him.

  “You’re so mean to me. I’m going to have a boner to pick with you later.”

  “It’s ‘bone,’ not ‘boner.’”

  “With me, it can always be—”

  “Shush! We’re trying to have a nice, normal goodbye!” Sloane lowered the apron as he waved to Asta and Jay. “Take care of yourselves!”

  “You’ve got another week left on your leave,” Milo said, giving Jay a big hug.

  “Leave?”

  “I had to tell the precinct something! Try not to stay gone too long, okay?”

  “Thank you, Milo.” Jay hugged him hard. He turned to hug Lynnette, though much more gently. “And congratulations again! I’m seriously so happy for both of you!”

  “You be careful over there,” Lynnette teased.

  “I will.”

  “Hey, I’ll bring him back in one piece, I swear.” Asta reached out for Jay’s hand and opened up a portal. He glanced back at Sloane and Loch with a smirk, peering over his shades as he said, “Thanks for helpin’ me save the world. Later, bitches.”

  Away into the portal they went, the opening closing behind them with a bright flash of light and a loud swoosh.

  “Fuck,” Sloane exhaled, flopping down at the table and laying his head next to his plate.

  Milo patted his back. “So, the dinner entertainment has been super cool!”

  “Cops, naked cat people, magic portals,” Lynnette listed off. “It’s been a very fascinating evening! Ten out of ten, would definitely recommend.”

  “And I stole a tree,” Loch said proudly, taking his seat next to Sloane.

  “We’re gonna have so much to tell Lochlain and Robert!” Lynnette giggled. “They’re not gonna believe it!”

  “Killed another god and foiled a new attempt at destroying the world,” Sloane said, lifting his head with a wry smile.

  “New bundle of joy on the way!” Lynnette grinned, rubbing her stomach eagerly.

  “Met a Silenced guy who can cast magic,” Milo added.

  “And Sloane made out with him,” Loch declared.

  “Wait, you did?” Milo stared.

  Sloane’s head dropped back down with a loud groan. “Oh my gods. Loch, please stop talking.”

  “They absolutely did,” Loch went on salaciously. “There was almost certainly tongue.”

  “Azaethoth!” Sloane griped. “Please!”

  “I’m just trying to tell a story.” Loch fidgeted. “Can I keep the badge?”

  “Will you stop telling the story if I say yes?”

  “The chances vastly increase.”

  “Yes. You can keep it.”

  “Oh, how I love you, my darling Starkiller.” Loch pulled Sloane into his lap for a tentacle-filled embrace and an adoring kiss.

  Sloane laughed in spite of himself, giving in and kissing Loch back. “I love you too.”

  “Forever?”

  “And always.”

  Chapter 15.

  “SLOANE?” URILITH called.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s time.” She gave Sloane’s hands a warm squeeze. She was back in the same body as before, wearing a flowing dress, with her thick hair braided back with fresh flowers. “Are you ready, my little love?”

  “I’m ready.” Sloane smoothed out his jacket and kilt. His coat and shirt were black, and his tie was purple to match his kilt. They were both a deep violet, a traditional wedding color for Sages because of its affiliation with Great Azaethoth. He’d combed his hair at least three times, and he was worried he’d put on too much cologne.

  Looking at Urilith and knowing she was here to take him to the garden for his wedding filled him with a new set of fears.

  Sloane took a deep breath, hesitating as he tried to find the right words. He was about to marry this goddess’s son after having killed two of them. It was awkward, it was weird, it was—

  “Sloane,” Urilith soothed. “I forgive you.”

  Startled, he asked, “Can you… can you read my mind?”

  “No.” She chuckled. “But I know when you’re troubled, and the issue is obvious.” She kissed Sloane’s forehead and promised, “You’re forgiven, dear one. I know Gronoch could not be saved any more than Tollmathan.”

  “Thank you.” Sloane sighed in relief. “There’s not exactly a Hallmark card for this, you know?”

  “Now—” She smiled ever so sweetly. “—should you be foolish enough to break Azaethoth’s heart… then you will know my wrath.”

  “I wouldn’t expect any less.”

  “Come,” Urilith said with a satisfied smirk. “It’s time.”

  Through a portal they went, appearing in the lush garden. There was a small crowd waiting for them, and Sloane was instantly swept up in a giant round of hugs.

  Lochlain and Robert were there to congratulate him, and Robert made Lochlain promise not to bring up any potential heists that might distract Loch from the honeymoon ahead of them.

  Lynnette smothered Sloane with kisses, and Milo gave him a rib-bruising hug. He was surprisingly emotional, wiping away tears when he told Sloane how happy he was for him.

  Fred didn’t say much, but he mumbled a very heartfelt congratulations and introduced his date, a beautiful young man named Ell. Sloane remembered him from Lochlain and Robert’s wedding but had forgotten his name.

  “Oh! This must be the one you wanted me to look at your penis for!” Loch suddenly exclaimed as he wiggled his way over to Sloane’s side.

  Sloane was too busy staring at Loch to correct his crude comment, gawking at his shapely legs peeking out beneath his kilt and the strong cut of his jacket, in matching colors to Sloane’s own. He was positively edible, and Sloane resisted the urge to jump on him right there in front of everyone.

  “He’s a real talented ghoul doc,” Fred said quietly, wrapping a protective arm around Ell’s shoulders. “He’s been good
to me.”

  “Hmmm, has he?” Loch grinned slyly at Fred. “By the looks of things, I’d say you figured out the problem with your penis.”

  “Loch!” Sloane hissed, smiling apologetically as Ell turned a very bright shade of red. “I’m sorry, he’s a spoiled god with absolutely no filter.”

  “It’s okay.” Ell laughed and offered a gloved hand to shake Sloane’s. “It’s kind of charming.”

  “See?” Loch puffed up his chest. “I’m charming!”

  “Aren’t you supposed to be waiting for me somewhere else?” Sloane scolded affectionately. “Isn’t it bad luck for us to see each other?”

  “That’s just Lucian nonsense.” Loch hugged Sloane’s waist and kissed him. “Mmm, you look amazing. Why wouldn’t I want to see you?”

  “I love you.” Sloane rolled his eyes and grinned. “I can’t believe I’m marrying you.”

  “I know,” Loch agreed. “You really are quite lucky.” He leaned in for another kiss. “And so am I.”

  “Mmm, very lucky.” Sloane glanced around to some of the unfamiliar faces of their guests. “So, who is everybody else? I don’t think I know everyone here!”

  “Ah, yes! Come!” Loch took Sloane’s arm and led him over to a small girl with curly pigtails.

  “Hello,” the girl said with a small, reserved smile.

  “Sloane, I’d like you to meet my great-grand-uncle, Babbeth.” Loch was absolutely beaming.

  “God of Death,” Sloane breathed in awe. He shook Babbeth’s little hand, gushing, “Wow! It is such an honor! Thank you for coming!”

  “A pleasure.” Babbeth yawned. “Mmm, my apologies. Still waking up.”

  “Nearly took blowing up an entire planet to wake him,” a new voice teased. It belonged to a husky balding man. He immediately pulled Sloane into a big hug. “Oh! It’s so nice to meet you! I can’t believe our little Azaethoth is finally being mated!”

  “Ugh! Hey!” Sloane gasped as all the air was pushed right out of his lungs.

  “Ah, well.” Loch ducked his head. “It was worth the wait, Uncle Yeris.”

  “Yeris,” Sloane squeaked, still trapped in the man’s tight embrace. “God of the Ocean, Yeris?”

  “That’s me!” Yeris laughed. “God of anything wet with shit swimmin’ in it!”

  “Charming as always, Yeris,” drawled a young man with long hair and tattooed hands. He made a face as Yeris came over to grab him with another giant hug, clearing his throat as he protested, “Ugh, that’s enough! You’re getting my vessel all dirty!”

  “Ah!” Loch swept an arm back around Sloane’s waist, waiting for the young man to be free of Yeris before he said, “Sloane, this is my Aunt Shartorath.”

  “Hi!” Sloane exclaimed, reaching out to shake her hand. His mind was buzzing with how surreal it was to currently be surrounded by a host of immortals. He didn’t know what to say, and he blurted out, “My mother was a huge fan of yours.”

  “Thank you,” Shartorath said, smiling kindly. “It’s lovely to meet you, Sloane. Welcome to our family.”

  “Where’s Grandpa Baub?” Loch pouted.

  “We couldn’t wake him,” Shartorath explained. “I’m so sorry, darling. We tried.”

  “These are all seriously gods?” Milo hissed in Sloane’s ear as he snuck up beside him, gawking openly. “Whoa.”

  “Yes,” Sloane whispered back, glancing away from Loch chatting with his family to address Milo. “In human bodies, but yes, they’re all gods.”

  “Who’s Bob?”

  “Not Bob, it’s Baub,” Sloane corrected. “He’s a God of War and Loch’s grandfather.”

  “Oh, got it. I knew that.”

  “And Uncle Gordoth?” Loch was asking hopefully as Sloane tuned back into their conversation. “Were you able to wake him?”

  Yeris and Shartorath exchanged a worried look, and Yeris said, “Well, not exactly. Urilith told us how much you wanted him to come, but… eh….”

  “We couldn’t find him,” Shartorath explained with a strained smile. “He may have woken up on his own—”

  “Come along, children,” Urilith urged, clapping. “Galgareth is waiting!”

  “Ah! Let’s go!” Loch winked and suddenly vanished from sight.

  Sloane laughed, trying to search through the crowd to figure out where he’d gone. He thought he heard Loch’s snickering and followed the sound toward one of the garden’s courtyards. “Over here?”

  “Here!” Loch called back. “Keep going!”

  Sloane stepped through the shrubbery, and he gasped at the sight before him. There was a giant archway right in the middle that was made of black branches with glowing lights hovering all around it. There was a whole pathway of them suspended in the air that led from the courtyard entrance right up to the arch.

  Sloane thought they might be lanterns, but closer inspection made him realize they were tiny stars hung right there in the air over their heads.

  Loch was waiting for him with Galgareth at the arch, and the smile on his face took Sloane’s breath away. He had never looked so gorgeous, and his eyes were glittering with stars of their own as he gazed adoringly at Sloane.

  Sloane started walking to him, but Loch couldn’t wait. He sprinted over at an impossible speed, whisking Sloane up into his arms, and carried him back to the archway.

  “Loch!” Sloane laughed, flushing as he gently swatted at his shoulder. “Put me down!”

  “I can’t marry you like this?” Loch grinned and smooched his cheek.

  “No!”

  Pouting playfully, Loch set Sloane back down on his feet. “Fine, if you insist.”

  “Are we ready?” Galgareth asked, trying to bite back a giggle. “Not that I’m in a rush or anything. I’ve got Toby here until at least the end of summer.”

  “Almost.” Sloane reached out to take Loch’s hands. He turned his head to see their guests filing in to join them. He waited for everyone to find a spot to sit down in the lush grass and get settled before confirming, “Ready.”

  “Welcome to all of our friends, our family, and our loved ones,” Galgareth announced happily. “We are here today to witness the union of these two bright souls being joined together as one.

  “We gather to celebrate the bonding of Azaethoth the Lesser and Sloane Daniel Beaumont because love is truly the most powerful magic of all, a unique and special phenomenon, a gift bestowed upon us directly from Great Azaethoth himself.”

  Sloane listened intently to every word, but his eyes never left Loch’s. He could feel tentacles weaving around their wrists and pulling him in closer. Sloane’s heart was pounding so fast, and he could hardly believe this was happening.

  “Marriage is a sacred bond, not to be taken lightly,” Galgareth said as she wrapped a long ribbon around Sloane’s wrist and wound it over Loch’s since he didn’t have a tentacle to share. “It is a commitment for life and into eternity. You will be bound to each other forever.”

  “Forever,” Loch and Sloane repeated together.

  Galgareth laid her hands over theirs, reciting, “I call on the blessings of earth to give your marriage strength. I call on air to grant you joy. I call on water to bring you clarity. I call on fire to bless you with passion.”

  Above their heads there was a bright shower of glittering lights, raining down upon them like a storm of falling stars.

  “And I call on the stars,” Galgareth said with a blissful smile, “to always light your path, even in your darkest hours.” She held up their joined hands and declared, “What has been joined today, may no mortal or god ever tear asunder! Congratulations to the happy couple!”

  Loch swept Sloane up in a passionate kiss as their friends and family burst into a roar of applause and excited cheering. Sloane kissed him back eagerly, laughing as Loch spun him around.

  The sky was lit up with a cascade of falling stars, and Loch lifted them both up into the air. The stars created a smooth platform over the archway, and Loch rocked Sloane back and forth with a
happy smile.

  “A floor made of fallen stars,” Sloane recalled Loch’s promise with a grin. He took Loch’s hand, letting him lead as they danced in lazy circles. “This is pretty amazing.”

  “Hope no one looks up,” Loch said cheerfully. “I’m not wearing anything under my kilt.”

  “Oh my gods!”

  “I love you.” Loch gave Sloane a slow spin before bringing him back into his arms.

  “I love you too,” Sloane said, hugging Loch’s neck and kissing him sweetly. “This is the happiest day of my life, Azaethoth.” He barely noticed that Loch was taking them higher and higher into the sky, so caught up in their dance.

  “I bet I can make it even happier.”

  “If you put your tentacles up my kilt, I will smack you.”

  “Later,” Loch said, smirking smugly. “Close your eyes, Sloane.”

  Sloane did so, unable to resist a grin. He still half expected to feel a tickle between his legs and was surprised when a faint rush of air blew over his whole body. “Can I open them now?”

  “Yes… go ahead.”

  Sloane gasped, staring all around at the endless void of space surrounding them. They were in Zebulon, the home of the gods, and a swarm of glowing green orbs swirled around them. It was warm, peaceful, and Sloane couldn’t look away.

  Off in the distance, he could see the familiar blocks that made up the palace Sloane had visited before. Right now they didn’t appear to be standing on anything, and Sloane clung a little tighter.

  “Here.” Loch reached out to the swirling green wind. Two of the emerald lights rested in his hand, and he offered them to Sloane. “Listen….”

  Sloane hesitantly accepted, trying to focus on the bright little lights. It took a moment, but then he heard it:

  “We love you so much, we’re so proud of you….”

  “We love you, Sloane….”

  “My parents?” Sloane asked, tears instantly filling his eyes. He clutched the lights to his chest, but they grew too hot and he had to let them go. He smiled, trying to hold back tears and failing as the lights rejoined the others in the wind.

  “Sloane?” Loch asked worriedly. “Was that not a good gift?”

  “No, it was wonderful,” Sloane promised. “I could hear them. How much they love me, I could… I could feel it. I just miss them so much.”