by Sophie Meyer
“Sure,” she answered, “let go.”
*
The park was up a little hill, behind a cluster of trees. They walked into it together as evening fell. It was wonderful to be walking in between bushes, flowers, and narrow pathways. The sweet, pungent smell of grass and flowers made Ashley feel calmer and suddenly, deeply at home.
They sat down at the first bench they arrived at. Ashley stretched out her legs and Ray took out a small notebook from his pocket.
“Okay, let’s go,” he said.
This was definitely strange. Ashley had never, ever thought about the specific qualities she wanted in a guy, let alone write them down. It seemed bold and demanding to do something like this. She’d always felt that she should simply be grateful for what was sent her way. And a lot was sent. No question about that.
“Let’s go,” said Ray, “what’s the first quality you desire.”
Ashley looked over at him. His silhouette looked pale for a moment. In the dimming light he seemed almost ghostly. She thought about the person Ray had loved who’d been killed in the accident. It must have been horrendous for him. It was amazing that he could be the way he was now, focusing on helping others so much.
“I’d like someone strong,” was the first thing Ashley said, surprising herself.
Ray wrote it down, “Strong,” he said, “what’s next?”
“Handsome,” Ashley laughed, “tender, musical, generous, playful,” the words began flowing out on their own. “Someone poetic, kind, happy, independent, who definitely has a mind of his own.”
Ray whistled softly under his breath. “He sounds fantastic. Bring him on!”
Ashley laughed and felt as if she were ordering a delicious dinner from a fine restaurant. Was it okay to do this? Did the universe just dish up a man on demand?
“Now, what kind of relationship do you want?” Ray prodded.
“A beautiful one, of course,” said Ashley. It was more fun doing this than she’d ever imagined. “Alive, exciting, passionate, free. A relationship that never gets stuffy or forces either of us to be someone we’re not.”
“I’ll take one of the same,” Ray was laughing.
Ashley realized how different this relationship she wanted was from the life and relationship her parents had lived. She’d definitely been resisting getting caught in something like that. It was surprising to realize that.
“You want anything else?” Ray asked, “marriage, kids?”
“I’m not really in a rush,” Ashley answered simply.
She and Ray turned and looked at each other at that moment, taken aback.
“You don’t want to get married?” he asked, wide eyed.
Ashley thought about it carefully. “I do,” she said softly, “of course. Only he’s got to be the really right one.”
“Okay,” Ray answered just as softly. “The really right one. I’ll write it down.”
Ashley grew quiet. That was more than enough. She felt funny that it had actually been so easy.
“Now, we’re going to read the list over,” Ray announced, “but before we do, there’s one more thing I have to tell you.”
In the distance Ashley heard the sound of a Nightingale calling. Nightingales had always been her favorite birds. She smiled to herself, listened and remembered a poem Scott had written her about Nightingales. It had meant a lot to her then.
“So, this is important,” Ray was going on, “along with reading your list over and doing the exercises, you also have to actually go out there and meet guys! You have to open the doors, let guys flow through them! It’s a numbers game, really!”
“What are you talking about?” Ashley became afraid.
“You just have to give yourself a chance to circulate. You only need one, but you’ve got to meet many! Otherwise you just grab whoever comes along!” Ray said.
That was true, Ashley had always dated someone who just showed up in her world, it was easy, convenient. She wouldn’t say she’d grabbed them though!
“Go online, join lots of sites, but check on how the guy fits your list. I’m going to set up an appointment for you to meet a whole bunch of guys on a Speed Dating evening in a few days. There will be at least ten prospects in one evening. Now that’s a good use of time.”
“I’m overwhelmed, Ray,” Ashley didn’t want to do any of it.
“There’s nothing to be overwhelmed about. It’ll just be fun.”
“It’s not fun,” Ashley was getting grim again.
“Sure, it’s fun,” Ray insisted. “Wasn’t it fun to make the list?”
Ashley had to agree that it was.
“Okay so now let’s read the list together for the first time.” Ray held it up in front of her. “Just read it aloud and visualize it as you read.”
There was no point objecting. She’d written the list already, might as well read it one time.
“Strong,” Ashley called into the branches of the silent trees.
“So Be It!” Ray echoed back.
“Handsome,” Ashley continued.
“So Be It!” he called out again.
They went through each quality like that together and when the list was complete, Ray stood up off the bench.
“I call all the angels here to help you,” he intoned.
Ashley stood up beside him, feeling for a moment as if she’d stepped into a different dimension, between this world and another, a world of magic and healing, a world where things worked out as you always wanted.
An old man hobbled by at that moment, and hearing Ray call, looked up at the two of them strangely from under his cap.
Ashley was taken aback then, embarrassed. He must think we’re totally mad, she thought.
But Ray never even noticed, “The good angels, the good angels,” he kept calling into the night.
CHAPTER 12
Jessica called first thing the next morning, even before Ashley was fully out of bed.
“I’ve made an appointment for us tonight for five thirty try on wedding dresses,” she said.
“Tonight?” Ashley wasn’t sure she was hearing right. They hadn’t discussed a thing about it.
“Yes, of course,” said Jessica, “time’s an issue. We’ve got to get going!”
“I guess,” said Ashley in a haze. Her heart was pounding. What a way to wake up. She was still in a half dream state, and wished she could dive back into the pillow and fall asleep, wake up and start all over.
Jessica wasn’t letting up, “There’s no time to waste, and no point running around. We’re starting at Deidres, top of the line.”
“Deidres?” Even Ashley had heard of Deidres, a top of the line store for wedding gowns, right in town. Deidres was one of places people came to from all of California to find a dress for the grand day. They carried all the best designers, right there under one roof. You couldn’t do better than that.
“I was lucky to get an appointment so fast,” Jessica was obviously waiting for praise.
“Thanks,” Ashley mumbled.
“You don’t sound excited?” Jessica was clearly disappointed.
Ashley felt a tug in her gut. “Of course I’m excited. I just woke up though, and Deidres can be pricey, can’t it?”
“Forget about money,” Jessica dismissed it, “your parents totally went all out for Trish’s wedding, you told me yourself. I can’t imagine they won’t do the same for you.”
Ashley thought about her sister’s wedding. To say her parents had gone all out was putting it mildly. Trish’s gown had been imported from France, handmade, ornate, with lace and silk trimming and a train that seemed to go for a hundred miles. Ashley definitely didn’t want something like that. Her taste was more sleek and sophisticated.
She jumped out of bed quickly then and snapped to reality. What was she thinking? What difference did it make what kind of a gown she did or didn’t want? She was just going to try on dresses, to feel like a bride, she reminded herself quickly. There was no real wedding and no groom.
/>
“We’re on then?” Jessica was on the move, “I’ll see you tonight at 5:30 sharp.”
“I’ll be there,” said Ashley, feeling as though a freight engine had just drove in through her window and rolled all over her.
*
It was difficult to concentrate at work that day, but Ashley was determined to do it.
She carefully ignored the mountains of emails and messages on Facebook she could feel pouring in, and stared at the design she was creating for the upcoming tradeshow. The show was for products that helped you sleep better at night – machines to help with breathing, sound machines, CD’s that lulled you to a calmer state. The design she was now making was for a specially designed pillow that followed the natural contours of your head.
As Ashley worked at her drawing, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Peter come and stand at the edge of her office and look in. He didn’t walk all the way in as usual this morning, though. She looked over to where he was standing, and he waved, holding his green coffee mug in front of his face.
“Morning Peter,” said Ashley crisply.
“Feeling better today?” Peter asked in a shaky tone.
“I feel good,” said Ashley, brightly. “How about you?” She was determined to bypass any personal innuendos and dispel any fantasies he might have. Who knew what was going inside his mind? He might have even found out she was engaged. Peter wasn’t the kind to go browsing on a Facebook page, but you never knew.
“Good,” said Peter, backing away, very good. Just checking in.”
But Ashley had an uneasy feeling. Why did he even ask if she felt better? Nothing was wrong. She couldn’t let this craziness spread, like weeds in a garden, choking her life. She sat tapping her pencil on her drawing pad, when Peter suddenly returned, standing again at the edge of her doorway.
“I don’t mean to pry, Ashley,” he said apologetically.
She turned and saw him looking down at the floor.
“It’s fine, everything’s fine, everything’s perfect normal, Peter,” she said. “I’m excited about the show coming up too. Are you?”
“Very,” he replied, looking up, slightly relieved.
“Great,” said Ashley, “I’m working hard on it, too.”
It felt wonderful returning to everyday reality, focusing on what they were here for.
“Good,” mumbled Peter, “very good”, and he walked on down the corridor, back to his own office.
Ashley had to get back to work now. After she and Ray had made that list of what she wanted in a groom, Ashley had hardly been able to sleep at all last night. Sitting in the park and doing that had unsettled her to her core. And frankly, at this moment, she wasn’t even sure she wanted a groom, no matter what his qualities were. It felt so much better and calmer sitting here now with her drawings, planning out details of the campaign. She was doing what she were supposed to do, not trying to pull love out of some far corner of the universe, demanding that it come to her, turning her whole world upside down.
As Ashley walked to the office she’d thought about it deeply. Wasn’t her life as she knew it, good enough? Even with the rejections by guys? Did she have to take these extraordinary measures? She felt like someone with a mild cold, who’d been suddenly listed as critical and shoved into the intensive care unit. It was as if she were in danger of dying without finding a groom! She didn’t like it at all.
Even as these thoughts whirled in her mind, Ashley knew she shouldn’t be thinking them, but repeating her affirmation instead. She should be saying I Deserve Love, to herself over and over. But doing that made her feel even more desperate. And who knew if she really deserved love? Did anyone, she wondered? What did it mean to be really loved anyway? To have someone who fit your list pop up and built their world around you? Ashley realized in a shocking moment that she didn’t want that at all. With Scott everything had happened between them naturally and there was a freedom between them, too. Neither had demanded that the other be a certain way, or fit qualities on a list. She’d been perfect in his eyes and he’d been perfect in hers.
Ashley returned to her drawing with a vengeance. On the way to work, she’d decided that before she even looked at one dress, she’d tell Jessica everything tonight. It was definitely time to regain control. Ashley would take Jessica to the side, hug her, thank her for all that she had done. Then she’d sit her down on one of the plush sofas at Deidres and tell her the truth, blow by blow. It would be fine. Jessica would be momentarily startled and then they’d have a good laugh.
After that Ashley would face the saleswoman herself, tell her that her engagement had been called off. Of course it would be extremely embarrassing, but better than going on like this. After she told the saleswoman, she’d put it on Facebook, and that would be that. She’d get condolence messages and reply that it all okay, just a momentary fling and she’d gotten carried away. People would certainly understand that.
Ashley shivered. She absolutely had to tell Jessica the truth tonight. After she told Jessica, she’d tell Ray this wasn’t working for her - thanks but no thanks. If he didn’t understand, he didn’t. She’d do her best to help him find a studio, in fact she’d already put calls in to some people who might know of something.
To her delight, the day went quickly and she made good progress on her designs. She skipped lunch so she could get out of there early, and was pleased with how much she’d accomplished when five o’clock came and it was time for her to run downtown to meet Jessica.
“See you tomorrow,” she called out to Peter as she gathered her things to go.
“Have a lovely evening,” Peter called back from his office next door.
Ashley stopped cold. He’d never said have a lovely evening before. He’d probably found out somehow, maybe even thought that she was going to meet her fiancée right now. It was completely embarrassing. The sooner it ended, the better.
“Thanks,” Ashley said, unsettled, “I will.”
*
Ashley took her time getting down to Deidres. She was in no rush to see Jessica at all. This was an unpleasant interaction coming up, but she’d handle it quickly and that would be that.
Deidres took up almost half a block on the main shopping street, in the mall, downtown. It had a huge glass front, with mannequins, dressed in flowing, ivory and white wedding gowns. Some had veils on, some did not. Rose petals were scattered beneath them and satin draped in the background. There were always some window shoppers gazing, mesmerized by the beautiful brides. Ashley passed this store many times, but never bothered to look in.
Now, opening the door and going in, Ashley actually felt a little nervous, as if she were entering a world apart, reserved only for those who knew love. Did she really belong?
The moment she walked in, to Ashley’s amazement, three young women popped up and fluttered around her, Jessica, Shane and Heather. One after another they started hugging Ashley.
“This is such a big moment for you, huge!” gasped Shane, tears in her eyes. “I’m not going to spoil it by asking why you didn’t tell us before. I know we’ll find out before the evening is over. I can’t wait to hear.”
“This is the perfect place to buy your dress,” Heather bubbled, “and they even have a floor for bridesmaid dresses, so we can coordinate everything. Oh Ashley, we love you. We’re all so totally thrilled for you.”
Ashley saw tears running down Shane’s face. “I’m sorry I’m crying, but it’s such a shock,” Shane went on, “a wonderful shock. I’m so happy we’re both engaged together. Are you bringing him to my pre engagement brunch next weekend? I told my parents and they’re dying to meet him.”
Ashley gulped. What in the world should she do now? How could she show up alone?
Jessica looked like a proud mother, standing a few inches away, beaming.
“I had to invite Shane and Heather to join us,” Jessica announced as if she’d pulled off a fantastic coup. “We need others to share this amazing moment. We need others to see you in
walk out in different dresses and help you choose the perfect one!”
Ashley was frozen, dumbfounded.
“Look at that, Ashley can’t say a word. “Cat’s got your tongue, you little devil?” Heather grinned and stroked her arm. Heather’s long, auburn brown hair was pulled back off her face, and her eyes were gleaming. “Who would have thought love would have hit Ashley so hard? No one would have guessed it!”
All of them laughed at once together, when a tall, elegant, woman, with pale, silky hair pulled up on top of her head, and high heeled shoes came over to them.
“This must be the Lane wedding,” she said, smiling, looking at all three of them.
“Yes, it is,” said Jessica, taking charge.
“And which one of you is the Bride?”
The three of them quickly stepped behind Ashley, placing her squarely in the foreground, featuring her. As if stardust suddenly sprinkled all over her, Ashley felt an aura of feminine beauty and romance surround her. She felt, momentarily, larger than life.
“Well, congratulations,” said the woman, turning to Ashley. “This is your time, dear! Relish every moment of it. Every woman turns into a princess on her Wedding Day.”
“Beautiful,” breathed Shane, flushing.
“I wouldn’t know,” murmured Heather to Jessica.
“You’ll get your turn,” Jessica whispered back.
“Please follow me,” the woman said to the three of them, leading them along a plush rose carpet to a golden elevator in the rear and up to the third floor.
“Do you have a preference?” the woman asked Ashley, “a designer you adore?”
Jessica jumped right in and answered for her, “We’d like to see Vera Wang, Monique Lillier -.”
“Is there a price range?” the woman asked softly.
“Money is no object,” Shane replied.
Ashley swallowed hard. She couldn’t get a word in edgewise.
“Is there a style you prefer, dear?” the woman finally turned slowly to Ashley.
Everyone waited with baited breath.
“Sleeveless, “Ashley managed to say.