Going Up

by A. E. Radley

  Kate chuckled bitterly. She often thought about what happened back then, how she would have dealt with the situation now, but it was foolish to dwell on the past. It couldn’t be changed.

  “Suddenly, a job came up at my father-in-law’s company. They needed me, and it had to be me. I didn’t question it at the time, but I later realised they were worried about me asking too many questions and becoming a problem.”

  “They wanted you where they could keep an eye on you,” Selina surmised.

  “Exactly. And that’s when I met Ruby. We worked in different departments, but our work crossed over now and then. Ruby was so much fun, and she was pretty and exotic. I… I fell in love with her. It was a shock because I didn’t think I was capable of that. Love. Much less loving a woman. But it hit me like lightning.”

  She let out a deep sigh.

  “We started having an affair. Obviously, we kept it from everyone because we didn’t know what we were doing or how serious it was at first. But it started to get serious. We talked about running away together, because I knew my family would disown me, because my husband would… well. Simon had a temper. But I didn’t care. It all happened so fast, from meeting her to realising what love was, to understanding I loved her. And she was a her.”

  Kate ran a hand through her hair. Retelling the story was bringing it all back, even though she’d thought about it a hundred times before.

  “Ruby refused to run away. She lived with her parents and didn’t want to rock the boat. She loved them, and they loved her. She thought she had too much to lose. I think she was convinced that it would all come out and it would be okay. She never quite believed me when I told her how strict my parents were. She’d lived in a home of unconditional love; she couldn’t comprehend anything else. Well, we were obviously caught one day.”

  She stopped speaking. Memories pinged in front of her eyes. She realised her eyes were filling with unshed tears.

  “You don’t have to—” Selina tried.

  “He beat me that night,” Kate said. “He’d done it before, but this was… it was worse than before. He kicked me out. I went to a hotel, which in hindsight was so stupid because the money I spent that night would have been a lifeline to me later down the road. I called Ruby and found out she’d been fired, and she refused to speak to me. I realised that she wasn’t really in love with me, because when the going got tough, she ran home to her mum and dad. She wanted nothing more to do with me.”

  She blew out a long breath.

  “The next day, I went back to the house, and the locks had been changed. I went to the office and was told they’d call the police if I tried to go inside. I went to my parents, and they refused to even look at me. I started to realise how serious things were. Everyone was disowning me, and I was left walking around our tiny village with nothing. That’s when I saw he had emptied my bank account.”

  “What?!” Selina cried.

  Kate gave a small nod. “He wanted to punish me. I’d done the most terrible thing he could think of, not just because it was an affair. Because it was with a woman.”

  “That is absolutely…” Selina trailed off. She held up an apologetic hand. “I apologise, do continue.”

  “All I had was the bag I’d hastily packed the night before. I spent so much time cursing the choices I made when I packed that bag, but I didn’t know it would be the last time I’d be in my house, much less the belongings I’d need in order to survive. I should have been better prepared.”

  “You shouldn’t have had to,” Selina muttered.

  Kate shrugged. “I hung around for a while, hoping it was all a big joke and that they’d let me back into their lives. Let me back into my life. I hoped they’d see I hadn’t washed, hadn’t eaten, and think they’d taught me a lesson. But then my ex threatened to kill me. He came straight up to me on the high street and said that the next time he saw me, he’d kill me where I stood.”

  She swallowed. Though only a nightmare now, the anger in his eyes as he spat and screamed had lost none of its vividness.

  “I got on a train. Didn’t have any money so I jumped the barrier and got on the first train that was heading for London. I thought I’d find a charity or a shelter in London, it being a big city. The conductor saw me and chucked me off the train in Parbrook.” Kate gestured with her hands. “So, here I am.”

  Selina licked her lips and shook her head. She took a couple of deep breaths.

  “I am so terribly sorry that happened to you. I… I can’t imagine it. I’ve lived a blessed life to be surrounded by people who accept me for who I am. And while I logically know that many people are condemned for their sexual preferences, I’ve never experienced it. It’s a shock to hear stories like this.”

  “Yeah, it was a hell of a coming out.” Kate chuckled.

  Selina didn’t laugh. “I’m so sorry, Kate. But thank you for trusting me with your story.”

  “What about you?” Kate asked quickly. She was never one to let an opportunity go to waste. What’s more, she was desperate to remove some of the layers that surrounded Selina like a suit of armour.

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. Tell me something about you.”

  Selina smoothed some crumbs off of her seat. “I’m afraid that would pale into insignificance beside your tale.”

  “It’s not a competition,” Kate said. “I just want to get to know you. Please?”

  A Question of Age

  Selina mentally tossed around her own coming out tale and felt strangely guilty for having had an easy time of things. Kate’s story was heartbreaking, and she felt honoured that Kate had shared it with her. Especially considering it sounded like the first time she had ever told it.

  “I was blessed,” she admitted. “My parents were upper middle-class business executives who let Abi and myself do whatever made us happy. From a very young age I realised that I didn’t really see a distinction between boys and girls like others appeared to. I was probably in my mid-twenties when I actually decided that I preferred women to men. Women made me feel more than men did.”

  She put her plate of half-eaten toast on the coffee table and swiped up her mug of coffee. She cupped it in her hands and curled up comfortably on the sofa.

  “Work was my life. I saw my father living an amazing life. He was well-respected and wealthy, and I knew I wanted to follow in his footsteps. Alas, he was an accountant, and I had no head for the academic side of things. Numbers don’t bother me, but set exams send my head into a blur. It became pretty obvious that I’d never get to be an accountant like he was, but I knew I could be a member of the board. I could have all the things he had without needing to qualify for something as academically intense as an accountant.”

  Selina sighed. It was painful to realise that her whole working life had been in pursuit of something that was simply not going to happen.

  “I started at the bottom. The post room, in fact,” she admitted.

  A knowing grin formed on Kate’s face.

  “And, no, I don’t keep Ivor on because of that,” she denied the thought before Kate had a chance to say anything.

  “You totally do,” Kate argued, still grinning. “There’s no way you don’t know everything that goes on down there. You know everything that happens in that building.”

  “I thought you wanted to hear about me, not Ivor?” Selina asked, though she couldn’t help but smile.

  “I’m sorry, go ahead.” Kate didn’t look apologetic. She looked like someone who had fitted a particularly tricky piece of jigsaw into place and was looking very happy about it.

  “My father, well, I’m no spring chicken as I’m sure you can tell. He died ten years ago, and I didn’t take it well.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Kate said.

  “It is what it is. Time soldiers on,” Selina said with a casual shrug. “I buried myself in work. He’d always been the reason I chose the career path I did. In fact, I think I put all of my energy into making him proud and getting that
position on the board.”

  She felt her eyes widen at the admission. She hadn’t meant to say that; it had just slipped out of her mouth. She wondered if she had the hangover to blame for her loose lips, but quickly pushed that thought to one side. She knew the reason. It was Kate.

  There was something about the younger woman that made her lower her guard. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She risked a look at Kate, who was looking at her with such unguarded pity that Selina wanted to kick herself. She felt the anger building inside her. All the shame and embarrassment of being found in a drunken heap by this woman was finally finding a voice.

  “And now I’m unemployed,” she added bitterly. “What a waste of a life. I’m an old woman who spent the last ten years pushing nearly everything to one side in some mindless pursuit of something that will never happen. Have you ever heard of anything so pathetic?”

  “It’s not pathetic,” Kate argued.

  Just then, Selina realised she wasn’t interested in getting into a discussion about the matter. Certainly not with Kate who made her feel so… unsettled.

  “You know, I think I’d really rather be alone,” she announced. She got to her feet. “Thank you for all your help. I really can’t tell you how grateful I am, but I just need to be alone.”

  Hurt faintly traced its way across Kate’s face. Selina looked away, not wanting to feel the extra guilt.

  “All right. If that’s what you want?” Kate asked, as she stood up.

  “How old are you?” Selina suddenly demanded.

  “Twenty-five.”

  Selina had known Kate was younger than she was, but the figure still stung. She snorted out a laugh. “Twenty-five. Do you know how old I am?”

  Kate’s eyes widened in panic. Her mouth opened and closed a few times.

  “Go on, take a guess,” Selina pressed. Internally she was bracing herself for the worst. She was hungover, angry, and hadn’t the tiniest dab of make-up on her face. She knew she looked terrible.

  “I… really have no idea,” Kate stuttered.

  “Fifty-two. I’ve worked at Addington’s for twenty-eight years. I’ve had my job longer than you’ve been alive.”

  Had. Had her job. Her headache intensified at the thought that she’d thrown it all away.

  “Please, I want to be alone,” she muttered, rubbing her forehead.

  Kate shouldered her bag. “I’ll go, but…” She paused and stared at the floor, obviously trying to figure out what to say.

  Selina sighed. She didn’t care to wait for whatever pithy, life-affirming garbage was about to come out of Kate’s mouth. Perhaps it would be some claim that her life wasn’t over, some ridiculous notion that things would seem better in the morning. All the claptrap she no doubt regurgitated time after time at her call centre job.

  “But?” Selina bit out, using her harshest tone.

  Kate looked up. Her eyes shone with anger, which surprised Selina. It was unusual for anyone to go toe to toe with her.

  “I get that you’re embarrassed,” Kate snapped. “Okay? I get it. You were drunk in a ditch last night. You were mugged, and I know how shitty that feels. But don’t get angry at me for when I was fucking born. Yeah, I’m twenty-five, under half your age. So what?”

  She tossed her bag onto the chair and took a few steps closer to Selina. “I may not have walked this earth as long as you have, but I’ve got a lot of miles under my belt. I’ve experienced a lot of things, highs and lows. And I’m sorry that you’ve had a shit time. Really, I am. I want to punch Jonathan Addington for conning you, I want to punch those two girls for getting you drunk and taking your stuff.”

  She took another step closer, right in Selina’s personal space. She jabbed a finger into Selina’s chest. “But most of all, I want to smack some sense into you. So, you’re fifty-two. So what? You’re a badass, results-getting, high-achieving operations director that any other business would be lucky to have. You picked Addington’s out of the fucking dirt and made it a success. So they don’t want you.” She shrugged. “Others will. Jonathan Addington doesn’t determine your worth, Selina. You do.”

  She continued to prod Selina in the chest. Selina knew she should take a step back or open her mouth to speak, but she found herself rooted to the spot. Kate was telling her off, and she seemed destined to stand and take it.

  “So shut up your whining, go out and there, and get another, better job. And this time you’ll know to live your life at the same time. You’re not dead, Selina. You’re fifty-two. And you know what? You’re fucking stunning. You’ve drunk an entire day away, you’re hungover, in the middle of some kind of breakdown, wearing your old yoga clothes, and I still can’t stop looking at you!”

  Selina blinked in astonishment. Kate couldn’t stop looking at her? Kate had just called her stunning? She wanted to say something, but words weren’t forming. Surely, she had misread the young woman’s meaning? How could someone as gorgeous as Kate give her a second look?

  “I’ll leave you to your meltdown,” Kate sniffed. She spun around and grabbed her bag. “Maybe call me sometime. It’s what friends do, FYI.”

  Selina watched her leave, still unable to form a sentence in the time it took for Kate to cross the apartment and slam the door behind her.

  Reality Check

  The intercom buzzed loudly.

  Selina let out a sigh. She picked Missy up off her lap and deposited her on the sofa. She gestured towards the movie that was playing on the television.

  “Let me know who the killer is,” she muttered.

  She entered the hallway, glancing at her reflection as she did. She wasn’t impressed with what she saw. She’d gradually been looking more like herself over the last few days, but she didn’t feel it yet. She felt rudderless, and with that came a depression she couldn’t shake.

  She pressed a button on the intercom panel, and the screen sprang to life. There was Carrie with a bottle of wine.

  Selina rolled her eyes and put her mouth to the microphone. “Didn’t I divorce you?”

  “Yes, you did. Thank you for that. Now let me in,” Carrie replied.

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Just buzz me up, Selina.”

  Selina knew there was no point in arguing. Carrie would stay there for as long as it took and lean on the buzzer to drive her insane if necessary. She knew that from experience.

  She pressed the button to allow Carrie entry, opened the front door to the apartment, and walked back to the sofa. She picked Missy up again and plonked her on her lap, softly stroking her head.

  A few minutes later she heard Carrie arrive and close the front door behind her.

  “Hello, ex-wife,” she greeted.

  “What do you want?” Selina asked.

  She could hear Carrie in the kitchen, presumably getting wine glasses and opening the bottle. She hoped that didn’t mean she was staying long. Their new truce might be over as quickly as it had begun.

  “To see how you are. You’ve ignored my texts,” Carrie said. “It’s been three days since I saw you, and I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine. Apart from having my enjoyment of this movie marred by your arrival.”

  Carrie joined her in the living room. She lowered two wine glasses to the coffee table and looked thoughtfully at the television. “It was the female professor; he claims he did it because he wanted to protect her. They are brother and sister.”

  “Well, thanks for that,” Selina glowered. She picked up the remote control and turned off the television.

  Carrie sat down and handed Selina a glass. She begrudgingly took it. It seemed they were talking whether she liked it or not.

  “You’re ignoring me,” Carrie repeated. “After we agreed to be friends.”

  “I thought we agreed to not be enemies?” Selina asked.

  “Same difference.”

  “Then I must insist we go back to being enemies. I have fifty other movies in my queue. I don’t want you ruin
ing them all.” Selina sipped the wine, annoyed at how good it was. Carrie had always known how to choose a good vintage.

  “I’ll ruin each and every one of them unless you start telling me how you are,” she promised.

  Selina sighed. “I’m fine.”

  “Okay, great, then I’ll be off,” Carrie said sarcastically.

  Selina took a gulp of wine and knew she was stuck. She didn’t want to talk to Carrie, but her ex wasn’t going to leave her alone without at least some conversation passing between them.

  “I’m processing,” she said.

  “What are you processing?”

  “Everything,” she confessed. “Being unemployed, thinking about next steps.”

  Carrie’s eyes bore into her. The silence dragged on until it became too much for Selina to cope with.

  “Fine! I’m… struggling with everything. I’m still angry at myself for getting so drunk. And furious that I’m an old drunk woman who was such an obvious mark. Those two young girls knew that I’d be desperate just by looking at me. It’s humiliating.”

  Carrie laughed.

  Selina stared at her, dumbstruck. “Are you actually laughing at me right now?”

  “Just because you’re so dim.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Selina, they targeted you because you looked wealthy and drunk. Not because you were old. They didn’t think you were some ancient old biddy, they thought you were rich.” Carrie sipped her wine. “By the way, you’re the only person who thinks you look old.”

  Selina considered the point. There was a chance that Carrie was right, that she had been singled out because of her wealth rather than her age. It wasn’t something Selina had really taken into consideration until then. She’d assumed it was because she was old, but now she was realising that the whole, sordid experience had caused her to make assumptions based on her most negative image of herself.

  “You got drunk. It happens,” Carrie said. “Ten years of hard work went down the drain, that would drive many people to an all-day binge. You’re not proud of it, but you can get over it.”