The Darkest Canyon

by Roberta Kagan

CHAPTER 38

  In the Woods

  Lila couldn’t tell if it was the rain that was blinding her or her own tears. Moishe was pulling at her hair and tugging her sleeve with his tiny hand.

  “Run away, Mommie. Let’s run away.”

  “Wait a minute. I think I recognize you,” the farmer said in a hard voice. “I was working on the roadblock last year when the crop was bad. You’re the woman who was in the car with that Nazi officer who was murdered,” he said, wiping the rain from his eyes. Thin wisps of gray hair were now wet and sticking to his scalp.

  “We are only a woman and a child. Please, I beg you to let us go. Please, take pity,” Lila begged.

  Just then the farmer’s wife came outside, wearing a yellow raincoat. “Who are these people?”

  “I am certain that this is the same woman who was with the SS officer who was found murdered only a few miles from here. She’s a killer. It’s a good thing that the police are on the way,” the farmer said.

  The farmer’s wife glanced at Lila and then turned back to her husband. “It’s raining like crazy out here. I am going to go inside and put a pot of water on for hot tea. It will be ready for you when the police take them away. You’ll need something hot, so you don’t catch your death of a cold from standing out here in the rain.” Then without a second glance at Lila, the woman turned away and walked toward her house.

  “I hungry, Mommie. I want tea too. Tell her. I want tea.”

  “Shhh.” Lila squeezed Moishe’s shoulder gently. Then she turned to the farmer again. “Please, I am only a woman with a small child . . .”

  “Quiet! I don’t want to hear anything from you. You’re a killer,” he said. “Nothing, not another word, or I’ll shoot you and the boy.”

  Lila had no choice but to remain silent and wait. Every so often, Moishe whispered in her ear, “Mommie?”

  “Shhh,” she answered each time.

  Then she heard the terrible blaring horn of the Gestapo car. This sound was burnt into her memory from the days when the Nazis had begun clearing the Jews out of her small neighborhood, back in Poland. Ahh hut, ahhh hut, ahhh hut . . . It was a loud, petrifying sound that everyone knew meant that some poor, unfortunate Jew was being taken away from their home and from their family. Jews were being branded as criminals. But Lila was certain that the only crime any of the other people who had been arrested and taken to the ghetto had ever committed was the crime of being Jewish.

  The imposing black automobile stopped in front of the farmer. Two men in long, black leather coats got out of the car. “You picked a hell of a night to call us, Sobeinski,” one of the policemen said. “So what have we here?” He turned to look at Lila and Moishe. “A drowned rat and her dirty little rat offspring.”

  “Papers!” the other Nazi barked at Lila. “Give me your papers.”

  “I don’t have any,” she said.

  “No papers? That’s a crime in and of itself. You must be a Jew.”

  “We are Polish. We are not Jews, my name is Felicia Bankowski, and the boy is my son, Anatole,” Lila lied.

  “So what were you doing crawling around the grounds of this man’s farm in the rain?”

  “Looking for food. Our farm burned down.”

  “She’s a murderer,” the farmer said. “I saw her when I was working on the roadblock last year. She was in the car with that SS officer on the same night that he was found murdered.”

  “A murderer? You killed an SS officer? You are in serious trouble, young lady. Get up from the ground. Take your filthy child and get in the back seat right now. Vermin! Mach schnell, I want to get out of this rain.”

  Lila stood up. She thought about running, but she knew she would be shot in the back. Moishe would either be killed along with her, or worse—he might be tortured. She sucked in a deep breath and carried Moishe into the car. The door slammed. Then the two policemen got in the front seat. Lila held Moishe close to her.

  “Car, Mommie,” he said.

  She nodded.

  “Where we going? Home?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Moishe laid his head on her breast. For the moment, Moishe seemed content just to be out of the rain. Lila felt sick when she looked at her son. The poor child didn’t realize that the danger they were about to face was much worse than the cold and the rain. There was no reason to tell him. He would find out soon enough what was in store for them, and so would she. Right now, he was just satisfied to sit on her lap and cuddle himself into her while quietly sucking his thumb.

  CHAPTER 39

  Ravensbrück

  Moishe screamed as the Gestapo pushed him and his mother onto the train that would transport them to Ravensbrück. She put her hand over his mouth to quiet him. But the guard was unnerved by the boy’s scream and he struck Moishe, whipping his hand hard across the child’s face. Moishe’s lip spurted blood. The boy began shaking, but he grew quiet. He was trembling so hard that he couldn’t walk. Lila had to carry him in her arms.

  “Get on the train and Mach schnell. There is no time for us to waste trying to quiet your spoiled brat,” the guard said.

  Once inside, Lila and Moishe huddled in the corner. The boxcar was so crowded with women and children there was no room to sit. They were forced to stand. It was very dark in the train car; the only light that flickered was coming through the tiny openings in the wooden slats. There were several other children on board and most of them were crying. Some of the women were crying too. The child was growing heavy in Lila’s arms as she stood, holding him close to her. Moishe put his head on his mother’s breast and his thumb in his mouth. She hummed a lullaby. And then the train rocked to life and began slithering down the rails.

  “Where do you think they are taking us?” one of the younger women asked, directing her question to no one in particular.

  It was hot, and the smell of sweat permeated the air. The bucket in the corner that was there for excretions emitted a strong and foul odor.

  “I don’t know,” another woman said, “but we can be sure it won’t be good.”

  “I am a Jew. Is everyone here Jewish?” someone asked.

  “No, I am Romany,” a young girl’s voice came from the other side of the boxcar. “They took the rest of my family too. I don’t know what they did with them. But I am alone here, now.”

  “I am Polish. I was a partisan,” another said.

  The women all began declaring their backgrounds.

  Lila had been silent.

  “What about you?” the women next to Lila asked.

  “I had no papers. I suppose you might call me a thief. I stole food for my child,” Lila said.

  “Are you a Jew?” the woman asked Lila.

  “Yes,” Lila whispered, admitting that she was Jewish for the first time since she’d left the ghetto. “But I am not going to tell them I am Jewish. I am going to tell them I am Polish. Perhaps it will save my son’s life.”

  “Well, your papers wouldn’t have helped you much. If you had papers they would say you were a Jew and as soon as the Nazis saw the star, you’d be right here on this train with the rest of us. Being a Jew is a crime in and of itself. I know; I’m Jewish.”

  Between the heat and noxious odors, Lila felt dizzy and sick to her stomach like she might vomit. Moishe gagged several times which resulted in dry heaves. My poor little boy; he is sick to his stomach. He gags, but his stomach is empty, Lila thought. What scares me even more is that he has stopped asking for food. His appetite is gone. All he does is lie here in my arms. His head is burning up with fever. And he is so still that I sometimes fear he has died.

  The train came to a sudden halt tossing the passengers in the boxcar around like rag dolls. Then there was a loud noise as the guards unlocked and pulled open the door. Lila was not sure how long she had been traveling, but it seemed like many days. After so much time in the darkness, the sunlight hurt her eyes. However, there was no time to adjust to the light. Female guards with dogs and whips were demanding that
the prisoners move quickly. Lila heard the whips cracking and the cries from the women who’d been whipped. Moishe’s eyes were half closed. He was no longer crying. Lila was carried forward in a rush of frightened people. As they were all forced into lines, the guards began to separate the children from their mothers. Moishe let out a loud wail as the guard ripped him out of Lila’s arms. She didn’t take the boy away, however. The guard seemed to get some sort of sadistic pleasure from watching Moishe beg to go back to his mother. He reached out to Lila. “Mommie?” he said, crying and begging her to come and get him. But there were guards standing over her, and she was unable to escape from the line of women. Again, Moishe yelled out, “Mommie?” Her heart hurt, and she ran out of the line toward her son. But one of the female guards put out her foot and tripped Lila, who fell facedown in the dirt. “Mommie?” Moishe’s voice was frantic now.

  “Shut up,” she heard one of the guards say to Moishe.

  “He’s just a child and he’s frightened. Please let him stay with me,” Lila begged the guard who had tripped her. But instead of compassion, the woman began to kick Lila with her black boots while the other guard held Moishe firmly so that he was forced to see his mother being kicked and beaten.

  “Mommie! No, please, no! Mommie!”

  He was screaming in a terrible, high-pitched voice and kicking his legs in a panic. All he could say was “No,” “Mommie,” and “Please.”

  Lila tried to look up at him and smile. She had to find a way to ease his fear and to make him believe she was all right. But blood was pouring from her nose and mouth. Moishe was hollering and pushing to get away from the guard, but the guard held him tightly by the shoulders. “Hurts! Hurts!” he screamed, kicking the guard in the stomach. She released her grip on him, and he fell to the ground. The guard lifted him up by his arm and punched him in the stomach. His small body doubled over as he tried to breathe. He could not fight back anymore. All he could do was struggle to breathe. Lila tried to stand up. She had to get to her son; he needed her. But the guard’s shiny, black boot came down on her back, leaving her lying in the mud with blood smeared all over her face.

  A woman wearing a gray-striped uniform walked over to Lila and helped her up when the guards were busy lining the others up for their pelvic exam.

  “Come on. I know you are in pain, but you must get on your feet or they will kill you. Your son is in the children’s camp. He will need you.”

  “Who are you?” Lila asked, wild eyed and wincing with pain.

  “I’m a prisoner here. My name is Ann. I was an artist before I was arrested. I’m a political prisoner from Poland. I was member of a Polish resistance group. We tried to bomb a train but we got caught. That’s how I got here.”

  “I’m from Poland too.”

  “I know. I heard you speaking in Polish.”

  “Where is my son? You said he is in a children’s camp. Take me to him, please.”

  “You can’t go there now. You have to go through the process for new arrivals. It’s not going to be easy on you. They are going to do terrible, unthinkable things to you. They are a sick lot, these Nazis. But you must muster all your courage and think only of surviving for your son’s sake. You wouldn’t want him in this camp without you. Now get up and follow me. We have been talking here too long.”

  Ann took hold of Lila’s forearm, and then putting her hand in the small of Lila’s back she helped her to her feet. Then Ann walked Lila into the line.

  “What happens next?” Lila asked. “And how soon can I see my son?”

  “Just follow the group. Don’t make trouble. Don’t ask questions. Close your eyes and try to remember a better time. Do whatever you have to do to get through this. I’ll find you in your barracks later and I’ll help you. But I must leave you now. I have to go to my work detail.”

  “Work?”

  “Yes. Goodbye for now.”

  The initiation for new prisoners was more horrifying than Lila could have ever imagined. She was stripped naked, her hair and pubic hair were shaven. Then she was vaginally examined with a dirty instrument that had been used on all the woman who were in line before her. All the while, the SS men watched. She’d never felt such humiliation in her life. If it weren’t for Moishe, she would have refused to allow them to do this to her, even if it had meant death. But Moishe would need her. Ann was right.

  Next she was herded like an animal, still naked, shaven, and demoralized, into a shower room, with a large group of other women. Then she was given her uniform and sent to her barracks. Lila had a Star of David on her uniform. Even without papers they knew she was Jewish.

  That evening there was a roll call. Lila ran alongside the other women to line up. It was there that she saw the beautiful blonde guard with the long whip who smiled at her and said, “Aren’t you a pretty little thing?”

  Lila felt her skin crawl. She forced herself to remember what Ann said and kept her head down.

  “You are to be assigned your work duties,” the guard said. “You, you, and you, will go to the tailor shop.” Then she pointed to three others. “You, you, and you will go to the carpet-weaving shop.” Another three were chosen to go to work at the Siemens company. And then she pointed to Lila and two others. “The three of you will work outside, in the construction of the buildings and the roads.” The blonde guard smiled. “The outside jobs are the hardest ones that we have here in Ravensbrück. You will be working outside, and you’d better hope that you are physically strong enough to work like a man. You see, ladies, I always save these special jobs for the prettiest new prisoners.”

  Lila’s heart sank. She was not strong. Of course she would do what she could. But working on construction sounded impossible. Then the women were dismissed and sent to eat. Lila was given a bowl of watery soup which she quickly devoured. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten.

  The women were ushered back to their blocks. When it got dark outside, Ann snuck into the barracks where Lila slept. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m all right. Achy. I want to see my son, my Moishe.”

  “That’s why I came. I want to help you.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you ask? You need my help, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Then accept it and don’t ask questions.”

  “I have nothing to give you.”

  “I’m not asking you for anything. Come on, follow me.”

  Lila followed Ann to the children’s camp. They were careful to stay in the shadows and not be seen by the guards. The kapo blocked the doorway when she saw them coming. But Ann stuffed a moldy heel of bread into the kapo’s hand. “We want to come in,” she said.

  “Come on, but be quiet and hurry up.” The kapo took the bread and moved out of the doorway.

  Lila saw Moishe laying on a small cot surrounded by other children. All of them were as dirty as he was, and she could see that his face was tearstained.

  “Moishe,” Lila whispered, “it’s Mommie.”

  “Mommie,” he shouted.

  “Shhh. Sweetheart, you must be quiet.”

  “Mommie,” he whispered, and then jumped out of the bed, stepping on one of the children who didn’t even move, and climbed into her arms. She held him for a long time. “Now, listen to me. Be a good boy. Mommie is going to try and find a way to get us out of here. But until I can, you must listen to what the guards tell you and do whatever they say. Don’t cry and don’t make trouble. Just wait for me, and I’ll come back to see you soon.”

  After Lila and Ann were back in Lila’s barracks, Lila turned to Ann and said, “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “No need. We are all here against our will. We must help each other. Did they assign you a work detail?”

  “Oh yes, I am assigned to work on the construction outside. I don’t know if I am strong enough to do it.”

  “The construction is bad. A brothel is worse. Be glad you aren’t being sent there.”

  �
�There’s a brothel, here?”

  “This is hell, Lila. The Nazis built this place with every imaginable horror. However, the brothels aren’t here at Ravensbrück. They send the girls away to another camp where they have brothels.”

  “How do you know about this, if the brothels aren’t here?” Lila asked.

  “Because, I have friends who tell me things. And information travels through the inner circles. Let’s just say, I know.”

  “How are we ever going to survive?”

  “By doing whatever we have to do to live another day. Whenever you want to give up, think of Moishe. Remind yourself of how much he needs you. I have to go now, before I get caught being out of my bed,” Ann said.

  And then she was gone.

  CHAPTER 40

  When Gretchen arrived home from work she saw the door was closed to the room where Hilde was staying, and she assumed Hilde was taking a nap. Gretchen went to the cupboard and took out three potatoes, several carrots, and a bag of noodles to use for dinner. Then she went into her room and changed from her work frock into her housedress.

  Gretchen began to peel the potatoes when Eva arrived. Eva’s face was flushed from running. She looked at Gretchen wide eyed. “Where is Hilde?” she asked.

  “I think she’s asleep. The door to her room is closed,” Gretchen said, then she looked at Eva. “What’s wrong? You look upset.”

  “I am. Let’s go into your room. I need to talk to you where no one can hear us,” Eva whispered.

  Gretchen nodded and followed Eva into the bedroom. Eva closed the door and leaned against it. “On my way home from work I saw a woman from my old neighborhood. The woman called out Rebecca several times. I tried to get away from her but she ran up to me in the street. Oh, Gretchen, what am I going to do?” Eva said, on the verge of hysterics.

  “Did anyone hear her?”

  “I can’t say for sure. She was talking loudly. She mentioned that she remembered me and that she knew I was a Jew.”

  “Oh my,” Gretchen said. “Oh my! We have to hope that no one heard her. Can you trust her not to say anything to anyone about seeing you again?” Gretchen said.