The Darkest Canyon

by Roberta Kagan

  “I think so. I was always kind to her, and I know she likes me. If she caused trouble it wasn’t intentional. She’s not very bright. But I don’t think she would turn me in.”

  “We have to act as if everything is all right. We can’t let Hilde know anything at all. She cannot be trusted,” Gretchen said.

  “I know. I know you’re right. I feel horrible. I have a terrible headache. My eyes are blurry and I’m feeling sick. Do we have any medicine?” Eva asked.

  “No. Would you like me to go to the pharmacy and get you something?” Gretchen asked.

  “I think I’d rather go. I don’t want to be alone in the apartment with Hilde when she awakens. I am afraid that she’ll know something is wrong from the look on my face.”

  “Are you sure you can make it to the pharmacy? You don’t look well,” Gretchen said.

  “It’s only two streets away. I’ll be right back.”

  After Eva left, Gretchen went into the kitchen to start dinner. She was unnerved by the conversation she’d just had with Eva. Why is there such hatred in the world? How can people do these things to others? Don’t they realize that we are all the same? We are all made of flesh and blood. This nonsense about Jews and all of these other races being subhuman is pure insanity. Am I the only person who sees this? Hitler has taken my father away from me, and he’s taken the man I love too. And now Eva is frightened, and there is a possibility that we could be in trouble. Will this nightmare ever end?

  The water began to boil. Gretchen dropped the noodles into the water. Then there was a knock on the door. She jumped at the sound. She tried to rationalize her fears. It’s probably Hann. What a pain in the neck he is. I wish I could just crawl under a tree, lie there, and die.

  The knock was louder.

  Gretchen went to the door and opened it.

  “Gretchen Schmidt?”

  “Yes,” she said in a small voice.

  “You’re under arrest,” one of two Gestapo agents commanded.

  Then things moved so fast that Gretchen hardly knew what was happening. The Gestapo were yelling in her face, but she couldn’t hear them. The voices in her head were too loud. I wonder if they have Eli too. I wonder if they’ve found him. Oh God, please, I have never been one to believe in you, but I need your help now. And if you do exist, help me, please. Don’t let them hurt Eli or Eva. I promise you that if you protect us, I will do anything. I will go to church. Gretchen was pushed into the back seat of a black automobile. The Gestapo agent in the passenger’s seat had a thin, skeletal face. He was glaring at her. But she was so worried about Eli and Eva, that she did not even think of her own safety.

  When she arrived at the police headquarters, Eva was there, and so was Hilde. All three women were in a room surrounded by a group of Nazis. One of the Nazis had an SS on his lapel. He was doing the questioning.

  “Bring in the old woman,” the SS officer said.

  Two guards walked out of the room then returned, each of them pulling Frau Heidelhoff by an arm. “I’m sorry, Rebecca. I didn’t mean for all this to happen. The Gestapo came to my apartment. They questioned me about you. They wanted to know how I knew you. I told them that I worked next door to the Kaetzel’s, your husband’s family. I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Frau Heidelhoff said.

  “What is going on here? Eva? Hilde?” Gretchen looked at them both, questioning. There was a cut under Eva’s eye that was bleeding. It looked as if she was crying tears of blood. Gretchen wanted to ask Eva about Eli, about whether he’d been caught, but she couldn’t. What do these monsters know? And what don’t they know?

  “Gretchen Schmidt?” The SS officer was speaking directly to her.

  “Yes.”

  “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  “I told you she had no idea. It was not her fault. She was tricked by this filthy Jew. She’s my best friend. You can’t arrest her. She is a pure Aryan. She didn’t do anything wrong. She was duped by this Jew. I’m telling you, Gretchen is not at fault,” Hilde begged. “You must listen to me. You must—”

  “Shut up. Speak when you are spoken to,” the Nazi warned Hilde. “You were hiding a Jew? This woman is not Eva Teichmann, your cousin. Her name is Rebecca Kaetzel. She is a Jew, and she is the wife of another Jew by the name of Eli Kaetzel. First of all, Eva Teichmann was not your cousin. She was never related to you at all. She was a young, sickly woman who died a few years ago.”

  “I know you said that I should not speak,” Hilde shouted desperately. “But please listen to me, I must tell you that Gretchen did not know anything about this. She was tricked. This Jew came to her and told her that she was her cousin. Gretchen believed her.”

  “Is this true?” The Nazi turned to Gretchen. “Were you tricked?”

  Gretchen looked at Rebecca. “Yes, it’s true. I tricked Gretchen Schmidt. She didn’t know the truth. Hilde is right, I tricked them all. I bought the papers and I made up the lie,” Rebecca said. The interrogator slapped Rebecca across the face with the back of his hand. Her head flew back.

  “Hilde! What have you done?” Gretchen said, putting her hands up.

  “I know you were not involved. I know they lied to you. Don’t be afraid, Gretchen; you won’t be harmed,” Hilde said.

  The Nazi seemed to be enjoying the interaction between the women. He leaned back on his desk and watched them with a look of amusement on his face.

  “Hilde, you should never have gotten tangled up in this. You should have minded your own damn business,” Gretchen said as tears streamed down her cheeks.

  “I did it for you,” Hilde answered, pleading with Gretchen to understand. “You’re my best friend. I love you. I can get you a good job at Ravensbrück.”

  For Gretchen it was as if everything stopped for a moment. The SS officer was shouting. Hilde was screaming back at him. But everything had gone silent in Gretchen’s mind. She could not hear them. All she could hear was the voice in her head and the rapid wild thumping of her heart. I can choose to say Hilde is right. I can tell them that I didn’t know. I can turn my back on Rebecca and walk out of here a free woman. No matter what she had to do, Hilde would see to it that I was unharmed. But I couldn’t live with myself. And, of course, I know that if I tell the truth, if I say that I knew all along that Rebecca is Jewish and that I chose to help her, I will be signing my own death warrant. I am afraid. I am so afraid. And yet I can’t walk away now. I know that this is what I must do. This is the only answer that I can live with.

  Gretchen shook her head. She thought about the letter Eli had left for her. She remembered how he had asked her to watch over Rebecca. Then she turned to the SS officer and said, “I knew. I always knew. I was hiding Jews because I don’t believe in what the Nazi Party is doing.” She’d said it. Her hands were trembling. All the color had drained from her face.

  The SS officer turned to Hilde and said, “See? I told you she was not innocent. She is a Jew lover and no friend for you.”

  Hilde gasped, absolutely devastated.

  CHAPTER 41

  Gretchen was forced at gunpoint into a dirty prison cell where she sat on a cold concrete floor. Every few hours she was beaten and questioned about Eli’s whereabouts. She did not have to worry about betraying Eli. Not that she ever would have, but she didn’t know where he was. Time passed. She didn’t know how many days she’d lain there in her own blood and urine. But at some point, she heard Albert Weber, Rebecca’s boss from the bakery, talking to the police.

  “I promise you, she is not a Jew. Her name is Eva Teichmann. She is a German.”

  “Shut up and go home. You are lucky we don’t arrest you for having a Jew in your employ. The fact is, I believe you didn’t know. You are too stupid. Go back to your bakery, and be glad we are leaving you alone.”

  “Is there nothing I can do to help her?” Albert said in a pathetic voice.

  “She is Jew. A pretty little Jew, blonde and blue eyed like an Aryan. But don’t
let her fool you; she’s a manipulative Jew. They are all tricky, Albert. Get out of here before you end up in a cell too.”

  CHAPTER 42

  Hilde went back home the day after Gretchen and Rebecca were arrested. She was shocked that Gretchen would lie to her. But Gretchen was still and had always been her best friend, so she was also heartsick for what she’d done to Gretchen. Until Gretchen confessed to knowing, Hilde really believed that Gretchen was innocent. If she had known the truth, Hilde would not have gone to the police. Instead, she would have begged Gretchen to go with her and turn Rebecca in. But now, everything was a mess. Hilde packed her bags to go home. But before she left, she went to the prison and begged to see Gretchen.

  “I’ll let you see her, but you can’t go in and talk to her.”

  “Yes, please, let me see her,” Hilde said, holding her belly. What she saw left her cold and terrified. Gretchen, bleeding on the floor of a prison cell.

  “Gretchen!” she called out. But Gretchen didn’t move. She tried again, but still no reaction.

  The guard turned to Hilde. “Go now. Leave. I wasn’t supposed to let you in here at all. Get out before I get into trouble.”

  Hilde nodded and walked to the train station. What have I done? She asked herself, over and over, as the train carried her back home to Furstenberg/Havel, right outside of Ravensbrück.

  Hilde walked home from the train station, sweating as the sun beat down on her back. If they put Gretchen in a camp, she will be tortured. I am certain of this because I’ve seen how the guards treat the prisoners. I don’t give a damn what happens to the Jew, but Gretchen has always been my friend. And even though she made a terrible mistake by hiding a Jew, I could never abandon her. She is the only person who has ever stood by me in my entire life. Why she would take it upon herself to hide a Jew is beyond me. If only we had some time alone, I would ask her so many questions. But what difference does it make, anyway. I don’t even want to know. I’d rather believe she was somehow tricked. And now that she’s in trouble, and I am the person who brought the Gestapo down on her head, I wish I could help her.

  Axel was at work when Hilde arrived home. She was glad. She didn’t feel like talking to him. She was in no mood to explain what had happened over the last twenty four hours. Hilde was exhausted, too exhausted to even bathe. Her head ached as she lay down on top of the sheets and tried to sleep. The sweat ran down her face and the back of her neck. When she closed her eyes all she could see was Gretchen’s face. What have I done? I might have destroyed her. Is there a God? Could there really be a God who is punishing me? Hilde felt the bile rise in her throat. She was nauseated, sick enough to vomit.

  Then a sharp cramping in her stomach brought Hilde to her feet. Rushing to the bathroom, she felt a gush of liquid run down the side of her leg. Have I peed myself? Has my water broken? Her belly was so big she couldn’t see her feet. But when she sat down on the toilet it was as if her heart stopped. She saw that it was rich, red blood that had run down her legs, and now she could hear it pouring into the toilet. I’m losing the baby. No, please, not this. Not this. The cramping in her belly grew stronger. She doubled over and fell on the bathroom floor. I have to force myself to get up and get to the phone so I can call Axel. I am in trouble. Hilde held on to the side of the bathtub and pulled herself up. The floor where she’d fallen was covered in blood. She stared at it for a moment. Then she forced herself to walk to the bedroom, where she picked up the phone and dialed Axel at work.

  “I need help,” Hilde told the secretary who answered. “I’m having a miscarriage. Please, hurry, get my husband.” As Hilde waited for what seemed like a very long time for Axel to come on the phone, she wondered if the girl who answered was a paid employee or a prisoner. And if she was a prisoner, was she moving slowly on purpose to punish Axel’s wife? Hilde made a mental note to ask Axel about his secretary as soon as she felt better.

  “What is it, darling? Are you all right?” Axel’s voice was filled with concern.

  “I’m not all right.”

  “Where are you? Are you in Berlin with Gretchen?”

  “I’m here at home. I’m bleeding, I think I’m losing the baby.”

  “All right. Don’t panic. Don’t be afraid. I’ll send a car to take you directly to the Hohenlychen Clinic, and I’ll meet you there.”

  “I’m afraid of dying, Axel. Women die in childbirth all the time.”

  “You won’t die, my love. I’ll be there to take care of you. Don’t be afraid. I’m on my way. Watch outside the window for the car. I’ll send it right now. I’m on my way to the hospital. I’ll be there when you arrive.”

  “Who is going to clean up this mess?” Hilde was crying. “There is blood everywhere. Oh, Axel, I’ve made a mistake that might cost Gretchen her life. And there is blood everywhere . . .”

  “Hilde, you’re hysterical. Please, you must calm down. You are making your condition worse. Now, wait for the car to take you to the clinic,” he said.

  After the phone went dead, Hilde did not hang it up. She held it in her bloody hands and wept. The painful cramping in her belly was worsening. Wiping the tears away from her face, she smeared her cheeks with blood. It seemed like a lifetime before the car arrived to take her to the clinic. And by the time it came, she was almost unconscious.

  Hilde woke up in a white hospital room with Axel at her side. Unable to recall how she’d gotten to the hospital, she looked into Axel’s eyes for answers.

  “Axel?”

  “Yes, my love.”

  “Where am I?”

  “At the hospital.”

  “I don’t feel well at all.”

  “I know. You’re weak. Try and rest. You’ve lost a lot of blood.”

  “The baby? How is my baby?”

  Axel took Hilde’s hand, and she instantly knew the answer even before he said a single word. “I’m sorry, darling. But we’re young, and there will be other children.”

  “My baby . . .” Hilde began to cry softly. “I’m being punished. If there is a God, he has punished me. And I deserve it. I ruined my best friend’s life.”

  “Shhh, not now. You need your strength.”

  When visiting hours ended, Axel left, leaving Hilde alone with her thoughts, memories, and fears.

  My poor innocent baby is dead. I’ll never hold him or her in my arms. I’ll never sing a lullaby. Tears ran down Hilde’s cheeks. And Gretchen is in danger. I am so afraid for her. I have done so many bad things in my life. If there is a God, he is angry at me. I never believed in anything I couldn’t see but now I wonder. Now I think that there might be a God, and if there is, he surely hates me. I killed my own mother. She was a mean and evil woman, but I murdered her. I am so afraid that if there is a God and he is watching me, he will take out his wrath on me and never allow me to have a child of my own. And to make matters even worse, Hann out and out rejected me. I should have known he would. My mother said I was ugly, and she was right. I am. I am ugly inside and out. And all those horrible things that Ilsa made me do in the camp with those prisoners. That would surely anger any God if he exists. God? Why am I even thinking about the existence of a God? I’ve grown up to believe that the only God is our führer. So why am I doubting that now?

  A nurse in a crisp white uniform, with a little white hat pinned into her freshly coiffed bun, came into the room. “How are you feeling, Frau Scholtz?”

  “I don’t feel well,” Hilde said.

  “Have you gotten any rest?”

  Hilde shook her head. “I can’t sleep.”

  “Let me give you something to help.” The young, attractive girl smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

  After the injection, Hilde slept.

  CHAPTER 43

  Berlin

  Each night, Hann wandered the pubs, the restaurants, and scanned the outdoor beer gardens, in search of Eva. But he never saw Eva, Gretchen, or Hilde anywhere. If I don’t find Eva soon, I may never see her again, he thought. I am leaving to go to war.
I could be dead without ever having the chance to say goodbye. Not since Thea, have I felt this way about anyone. I wish Eva would just give me a chance. I know that she won’t even consider a date with me because of that damn Hilde. But there has to be a way to convince her.

  Finally, on the night before Hann was to leave Berlin, he could not stand it any longer. He was expected to report for duty at five the following morning. And as of yet he had not gone to Gretchen’s apartment because he was hoping for a chance meeting. After all, Eva had outright told him she was not interested, and he was afraid that if he went to the apartment, she would slam the door in his face and call the police. But he was at his wit's end now; time had run out. His only option was to go and knock on Gretchen’s door and beg Eva to talk to him.

  In a last-ditch effort to find Eva and speak with her, he walked to Gretchen’s apartment.

  But when he arrived, he found a wooden board nailed across the door. And a sign that warned Do Not Enter.

  He sat down on the stoop and put his head in his hands in despair. Where have they gone? And why in such a rush? I wonder if they’ve been evicted for not paying their rent. If Gretchen had money problems, I wish she would have come to me. But we have never been close friends, so, of course, she would never tell me. And as much as I hate to write to Hilde, I will. Hilde is the only person who might know where Eva has gone.

  The following day, Hann shipped out with the rest of his regime. As he got into the cockpit to go out on his next bombing mission he thought about his conversation with Hilde and how she’d admitted to lying about Thea. Then he thought about Eva and he trembled. Hilde was dangerous. He wondered if Eva was all right. I should have done something. I should have said something to Gretchen about Hilde and her lies. But I did nothing to stand up for Eva, and I’m sure that somehow Hilde caused her trouble, he thought, ashamed of his own lack of moral character.