Awaken, Shadows of a Forgotten Past

by Marcia Maidana

  “I’m surprised to find you alone,” I lied.

  “Miss Veils had an inconvenience. She should be back soon,” he said curtly. The bright light in the room accentuated his face, and I had a sinking feeling that I had already lost the war. I was helpless; he was embedded in each cell of my body.

  “That’s unfortunate,” I said. Another lie.

  “What is? That she had an inconvenience or that she’ll be back soon?” he asked in a suggestive tone.

  “That she had an inconvenience, of course. That’s unfortunate.”

  “You have no idea how unfortunate it is,” he remarked. “Lady.” With a slight bow of his head, he turned to walk away.

  I had to act. I reached for his arm. “Would you like to dance?” I hoped the rushed question didn’t sound too desperate.

  “Excuse me?” Alexander furrowed his brows; a startled look filled his face.

  “Would you like to dance?” I repeated, frightful of a negative answer.

  “You know how to dance?” he asked, wearing a slight smile. Was he joking or insulting me?

  “Better than you—let me show you,” I challenged, taking his hand. Alexander hesitated but let me tug him toward the dance floor.

  Slowly, the orchestra started to play “Blue Danube.” Ever so gently, Alexander placed one hand on my lower back. My left hand reached for his shoulder, and our free hands embraced. We started dancing, and it was as effortless as breathing, as natural as if we were a single body.

  “I must say, it’s an honor to dance with General Contini’s daughter.”

  “I must say, it’s amazing how fast you found a new love.”

  “Love? Who said anything about love?” He smiled, enjoying my obvious resentment.

  “The way you two have been attached all night is a clear sign of love.”

  We softly turned to the rhythm of the music. Alexander pressed his hand tighter on my back to bring me closer to him. He lowered his head and whispered in my ear, “You use the word love too superficially, Miss Contini.”

  “Perhaps.”

  “It bothers you, doesn’t it?” he whispered in my ear again, his face touching mine.

  “What does?” I dared to ask, knowing exactly what he meant.

  “The fact that Nelly accompanied me tonight bothers you.” His voice calm, seducing—I wasn’t sure if I could or should answer. His closeness made it impossible to think, and he knew it. Just when I was sure I was slipping fully under his spell, he broke it. “Let’s get some fresh air.” Not waiting for my response, he pulled me away from the ballroom.

  I was aware of the many curious eyes, staring at us as we withdrew from the noise. My better judgment warned me that I would be the gossip of England for months to come if I didn’t stop my flight with Alexander Sterling, but it was too late. I had already decided. I’d allow my heart, instead of my pride, to guide me into the night.

  We emerged to an outside gallery away from all the distractions and bright lights. The August night, unlike the scene we had just left, was deserted, cool and silent. We walked through the endless gardens, farther and farther away from the ball, into the deep darkness of the night.

  Alexander came to a halt by a group of thick trees, which obstructed the view from the now distant castle.

  “Your love will never find you here,” I said.

  “Who says I want to be found?” I heard his voice, his face hardly visible under the dim light of the stars. “Besides, she is not my love—yet.”

  “I don’t think she knows that.” I folded my arms and leaned my back against a tree.

  “You are blindly jealous,” he said with certainty.

  “That’s preposterous—there is nothing to be jealous of.”

  He placed his hands on my lower back, and leaned forward to speak in my ear. “Then, why did you have your friends ruin her dress?”

  “Are you accusing me, sir?” I said softly, against his jaw.

  “You know I’m telling the truth.”

  “Depends how you look at it—as far as I’m concerned, we were saving Nelly from a man who obviously had no interest in her.”

  “Nonsense. He was at her side all evening.”

  “True, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off me.”

  Alexander was silent for a moment and then asked, “Why are you here?”

  “What do you mean? I was invited to the ball.”

  “I mean—out here—in the darkness with me?” His lips touched my face as he spoke, sending sparks of electricity through my body.

  “I…don’t know…I—”

  “You’re too proud to admit how much you enjoy my company, Miss Contini. But you have a big problem.” Softly, slowly his lips traced my jawbone.

  “What can that possibly be, lieutenant?”

  “You can’t stay away from me.” He pressed his body against mine.

  “Who said I want to?” I answered, wrapping my arms around his neck. The world was removed from my mind at the same instant that his lips touched mine.

  17

  ~ The Depths of Insecurity ~

  Since the night of the ball, Alexander Sterling and I had become the most popular topic of gossip in London. Not being able to immediately find him after changing out of her ruined dress, Nelly was informed that General Sterling had gone out to the gardens with me.

  Soon, General Sterling returned to her that night, but their relationship would never be the same. Even though she stood beside him for the rest of the dance, Nelly realized that his thoughts were still out in the garden.

  So, the rumors started. The Veilses insisted that I had stolen the young general from Nelly when he was about to propose to her. Alex laughed when he heard the rumors. “I didn’t even kiss her once! Let alone think about marriage,” he had said. Since Alex had a reputation of avoiding the topic of marriage like a deadly bullet, his statement was easy to believe.

  For now, the Veils’s manufactured scandal was the least of our concerns. We would survive it. The most pressing issue was the instability brought about by the war. Chaos continued to build up all around Europe, portraying a bleak future.

  Britain had increased the numbers of troops that were deployed to France and Belgium. Our young men were dying by the hundreds each day. Would there ever be an end to such terrible suffering? My heart stopped beating every time the telephone rang when my father or Alex were away on duty. They were constantly gone on one assignment or another.

  I lay in bed, wondering where my relationship with Alex would go from here, but mostly I just missed him. I peeked at the grandfather clock sitting in the corner of the room, feeling reluctant to start the day.

  The door swung open to let a very agitated Mrs. Allerton in, twenty minutes earlier than usual.

  “Good gracious, Florence! Wake up, wake up! I can’t believe you are still in bed! General Sterling is waiting for you downstairs!” Mrs. Allerton walked briskly towards the armoire.

  “Are you serious?” I pulled my covers off and jumped out of the bed.

  “Well, now I know how to get you out of bed faster,” she teased. “And yes, I’m serious. He is waiting in the library.”

  “That’s strange. I didn’t expect him to be back so soon.”

  As soon as I was dressed, Mrs. Allerton sat me down in front of the mirror, and quickly managed to arrange my hair. “All done, you can go now.” I didn’t have to be told twice. I hastened out of the room.

  “Alex! You are back!” I threw my arms around him.

  “Good morning, my lady.” He returned my hug and smiled, kissing my cheek. “There was a change of plans, so I came back sooner.” Alex extracted a daffodil from inside his jacket.

  “Thank you, Alex. It’s beautiful. Where did you get it from?”

  “Mr. Leroy’s garden.”

  “He’ll send you to the gallows if he finds out.”

  “You are worth it. Besides, I have no intentions of telling him—do you?”

  “No, I won’t tell,” I whispered.
“Did my father come back with you?”

  “No, he is still in London.”

  “He is? Why are you here then?” They were rarely separated these days.

  “Florence, I have to leave for France for a few weeks.”

  “France—but why? My father promised you wouldn’t leave England.” I pulled away from him. “France is under fire.” I suddenly felt dizzy. I placed my hands on the edge of the writing desk to support my weight.

  “Florence, are you unwell?” Alex stood behind me, holding my shoulders.

  “Why do you have to go?” I was fully aware that military orders were not negotiable.

  “General Contini didn’t have a choice this time. Powers superior to him decided the matter. There are important meetings I have been assigned to attend in preparation for the war council coming up this summer,” Alex sighed. “I’m sorry…”

  “There has to be someone else. Your name is well recognized—you won’t be safe.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t argue that, but there isn’t really a safe place for me anymore. I have to do my duty. These meetings are critical. I consider myself honored to have such a trust. I’m preparing the way for your father’s arrival. He will be an indispensable part to the council’s outcome.”

  “When will my father leave?” My worst nightmares were materializing. Losing Lucca to the war had been terrible, but if I lost my father or Alex, I didn’t know how I’d survive.

  “He won’t have to be there until the actual council takes place. Our allies will be there. The decisions made during those few days could determine the future of the war, and our country. Florence, don’t worry. Before April is over, I shall be back to you.”

  “A few weeks is a very long time to be apart.”

  “I know.” Alex turned me around to face him. “I wish you could…come with me.” He pressed my face against his chest. When I heard the soft beating of his heart, I knew with exactness the course I wanted my life to take. I wanted to secure him to me. I wanted to be his wife.

  “There is a way for us to always be together,” I began. He looked at me curiously, and I continued. “You could marry me.” I might regret saying it later, but there it was. Alex’s countenance changed. It held a deep seriousness now. He pulled away from me.

  “Life is very strange,” he acknowledged. “I thought I would never find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I would be alone forever, and then I met you.” I listened to his words intently. “The first day I saw you—it was as if I had known you my whole life. The attraction was so strong—what I felt and still feel for you is something I have never experienced before. You have physically and emotionally altered me. I was so overpowered by my feelings that I didn’t know how to think, how to act.

  “That night out in the garden when I kissed you and you rejected me, I was devastated. So, I decided to avoid you, to avoid the pain. When I looked at you, I saw an unreachable star. After all, I’ve never had to chase a girl before, they always chased me.” He gave me a wry smile.

  “You are most humble, general.”

  “But then at the ball you declared war, ambushed, and disarmed me—you asked me to dance with you. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I was totally lost without you, I was totally in love with you, body and soul. Florence, I want to marry you.” When those words came out of his mouth, a warm feeling washed over me, just to be quickly chased away by his following words. “But I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you too much.” The anguish in his voice contradicted his statement.

  “I don’t understand—how can you say you love me and yet not want to marry me?”

  “Florence, we are amidst the greatest war the world has ever seen. I’m away with the army most of the time, and I’m afraid this is just the beginning. There are thousands and thousands of soldiers dying every week. How long do you think it’ll take until I’m called to the battlefront? I can’t escape it much longer. What if one of these days, I don’t come back?” He inhaled, holding back his emotions.

  “You will always come back,” I assured, wanting it to be true, yet knowing, at some level I refused to acknowledge that he was right.

  “You don’t know that.” Unable to confront my gaze he looked out through the window into the gardens.

  After a moment, I stood beside him. “If you didn’t come back, I would always regret not having the opportunity to be your wife. There is nothing else in the world that I desire more.”

  “You say that now, but being a young widow would ruin the rest of your life. I just couldn’t do that to you. Do you know that it is a miracle I’m still alive? Do you know how much damage I would cause you if we married and I failed to return? Florence, please try to understand. The deeper the bonds, the deeper the damage—” Fear vibrated in his voice.

  “I disagree. The deeper the bonds, the deeper the love. Listen to me Alex—you can’t be afraid. Life is just too short for that.” I was determined to change his reasoning. “We don’t know how much time we have. That’s exactly why we need to enjoy our time together. We can’t live in fear. If we do, we might as well be already dead.” He remained silent for a moment but softly pulled me into his embrace. In his hesitation, I sensed what was coming.

  “I’ve committed my life to our country, but my heart belongs to you.” His words weren’t comforting. Like so many other times, he was being evasive.

  “Alex, I’m starting to believe you love the army more than me.”

  “You know that’s not true.”

  “Prove it then,” I dared. “Or is this how it’s always going to be? You leave, and I’m left behind hoping that you’ll return. And if you don’t return, I’ll spend the rest of my existence dead inside, wondering what it might have been. Wouldn’t that ruin my life?” The angry words poured out of me involuntarily, and I wished I could call them back. That wasn’t who I wanted to be. Alex deserved my support, not this unfair attack, but the awful truth was I knew he was right, and I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again.

  “I told you I have no control over my military life. When I receive an order, I have to obey it,” Alex answered defensively. I pushed him away.

  “Sure, you do,” I said in frustration.

  “I have to visit my parents, but I’ll come back to say goodbye on my way to London.” Alex attempted to get closer. I didn’t let him.

  “Don’t bother. You might cause me damage by doing so.”

  “Florence—” he began to say, but I interrupted him.

  “You know what, lieutenant? I will tell Mr. Leroy you raided his garden after all. A little less oxygen in your brain might do you some good.” I withdrew from the library, slamming the door behind me.

  He left Forte Radici without speaking to me again.

  “Florence, it’s so good to see you!” Thomas exclaimed, taking my hand in greeting. “I was on my way to London and decided to stop by. I hope it’s all right, and my intrusion won’t disrupt you too much.”

  “For goodness’ sake, Thomas, you’re always welcome.” We sat in the breakfast room to converse like old friends. “Would you like some tea?”

  “If it’s not too much trouble.”

  “You are too humble, tea is never trouble.” I rang the bell. “When do you report for duty?”

  “Not until Wednesday.”

  “Not until then? Why don’t you stay and keep me company? I’m sure Mrs. Allerton would be delighted.”

  “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

  “Don’t be absurd—you are staying.”

  “Are you and General Sterling getting along?” Thomas kept a casual tone, but I felt a little guilty of leading him on.

  “Yes, we are doing fine.” I shifted on the chair. “He is leaving for France today.”

  “Oh yes, I heard that he is traveling with a squad. I didn’t think it was this soon, though.”

  “It’s today.” I felt a brief sense of loss filling my heart but was determin
ed not to let Alex’s absence bother me.

  “Will he be coming by to see you?”

  “No, I don’t think so. I saw him two days ago.” Thomas’s inquiring eyes said it all. He wondered why General Sterling wouldn’t see me before leaving. Tactfully, I changed the course of our conversation. “It’s a beautiful day…tea can wait. Would you like to ride? That’s what I was about to do when you came.” I glanced down at my riding boots.

  “I did wonder why you were dressed in riding clothes. Don’t get me wrong, you look beautiful in them.”

  “Thank you, Thomas.” I arose from the chair. “What do you say?”

  “Yes, it’s a great idea. Shall we pack a lunch?”

  “I’ll have Mrs. Allerton prepare it—let’s get our horses.”

  The forest reminded me of Alex. I already missed him. I was devastated by his excuses to not marry me. Why couldn’t he understand that every second apart was time we’d never get back? I loved him desperately, but he was infuriatingly stubborn. I shook my head reprimanding myself, and sent my painful thoughts fleeing; I wouldn’t let Alex ruin my day. I was determined to enjoy the ride—not that it would be a very hard task on such a sunny, fresh spring day.

  “Wait—let me help you,” offered Thomas, as we came to a small clearing, close to the stream I had fallen into not long ago.

  “Thank you, I can manage.” I gave him a smile but hastened to dismount before he could object. “I love the forest,” I acknowledged, grabbing the basket with food that Mrs. Allerton had prepared for us, before letting Sunny free. She quickly joined Thomas’s horse to graze in the abundant wild grass. “The calm feeling it emanates.”

  “During the day, perhaps, but it’s a whole different story at night,” Thomas noted.

  “It’s a lot like human nature, isn’t it? We all have a bright side, full of life, and an opposite one, full of darkness and fear.”

  “I suppose.” Thomas didn’t give much thought to my comment.

  “Mrs. Allerton packed enough food for a troop.” I spread a cloth on the ground in between us to place the sandwiches on.