Awaken, Shadows of a Forgotten Past

by Marcia Maidana

  None of this would’ve seemed out of the ordinary except for the way she executed it all. The way she moved around him, the way she bent over the fire, the way she bent above him sitting there in the chair was, alarmingly, an evidence of desire. Only my presence there prevented her from touching him.

  My stomach twisted in repulsiveness towards her. “I’ll have some tea as well,” I said, abruptly coming to a sitting position on the sofa.

  Clearly taken aback, Mrs. White took a step away from Alex’s chair. “Yes, of course, Mrs. Sterling.” She reached for the teapot.

  “I’ll do it myself. You may leave now,” I said curtly.

  “My lady, did you get any rest?” This was the first time Alex’s attention left the paper, to look at me. “I was hoping to carry you upstairs.” He smiled.

  I saw Mrs. White’s face filled with…enviousness?

  “You still can.” I smiled back.

  Mrs. White withdrew from the room.

  This was the incident that solidified the idea which I had previously rejected due to the deep desire of having a peaceful life. Mrs. White was in love with Alex.

  Would he believe me if I told him? Not likely. He would just laugh at me. Could I prove it? No. She would never admit to it. Would I suffer her to stay? Unless I had a good reason, Margaret would be offended if I let Mrs. White go. Would I confront her in private or ignore her actions? I didn’t know.

  By Christmas Eve, a white blanket covered the New Forest. The year 1916 was coming to an end. It had been the best and worst year of my life, a year when I had gained and lost more than words could express.

  Snowflakes caressed the windowpane of the dining room. Behind me, a lively crowd was chattering. Forte Radici was hosting a Christmas party once again.

  I reflected on all the experiences that willingly or unwillingly had been mine. The deep wounds in my heart had molded my very soul. The scars would always remain, but the grief had subsided. Time had been merciful to me—the unbounded measure of love that Alex offered me was a great healer.

  Contemplating the year ahead, I felt great hope that it would prove to be one of the best in my life. In fact, for quite some time I had been blessed with a deep sense of peace. I had also been blessed to regain my health. The horrible discomfort I had felt for the past couple of months had left me, and finally knowing the source of it, brought much joy to my soul.

  I strolled to the drawing room and sat beside Alex on the piano bench. To the admiration of those around us, he played some of Beethoven’s best pieces. The males were jealous of his ability to captivate the ladies’ attention, who stood spellbound as they listened.

  “You play heavenly,” I whispered.

  “I know,” he replied, a little smugly.

  “I imagine that you also know the effect that your musical skills have on the ladies.”

  He chuckled. “I know, and it’s not just my musical skills—it’s my looks as well.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You are impossible, lieutenant,” I said, playfully.

  “You are distracting me, my lady. I have to keep up the entertainment,” he teased.

  “I’ll continue to distract you—I don’t think I like all the female attention you are getting.”

  He laughed wholeheartedly. “Are you jealous, Mrs. Sterling?”

  “I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t jealous.”

  Suddenly, his fingers froze and the piano became silent. He took my face into his hands and kissed me briefly but passionately, taking all the air from me. I was stunned.

  “Do you feel better now?” he asked, a wide smile on his face.

  I heard some people sigh, some whistle softly, and yet others clapped. I looked around to find that all eyes in the room had witnessed the scene, and the heat in my face assured me that I was severely blushing.

  “Thanks, lieutenant. I do feel much better now,” I said, hoping he caught the sarcasm in my voice. His gaze filled with that shine that I had come to love so much, and fearing that he would kiss me again, I got to my feet. “I won’t distract you any longer, please continue. I’ll go find something to eat.”

  Clearly pleased with himself, his playing resumed. I started towards the dining room.

  Although my appetite was in an up rise, observing the large table filled with all types of delicious food made it difficult to make a quick decision.

  “It’s wonderful to see you cheerful again,” Thomas observed, from the opposite side of the table. I hadn’t noticed him in the room until he spoke.

  “Thanks, Thomas. I see you found some goodies.” His plate was overflowing.

  “I did. This is a wonderful party. You have done a marvelous job.”

  “Thank you. But I’m afraid that Mrs. White has done most of it.”

  “Knowing you, that’s hard to believe.” He smiled.

  “I did the planning, she saw it through.”

  “How are you getting along with her?” Thomas raised an eyebrow and with a small movement of his head guided my gaze towards the hall, where Mrs. White hovered from room to room looking over the guests making sure they were well served.

  “Why do you ask?” His question was peculiar. A slice of fruitcake found its way to my plate, and I broke off a small piece to try it.

  “No reason. She doesn’t seem very friendly—that’s all.” The true meaning of his words was that she was nothing like Mrs. Allerton had been.

  As if sensing that we were speaking about her, Mrs. White’s intense glare traveled to me for a moment. Her eyes had grown increasingly hostile during the past few weeks. I faked a smile and she moved on. Even though I would’ve loved to, I refrained myself from giving Thomas an earful of how much I disliked her, especially because Alex, his superior, had hired her. “She is efficient and does her job. That’s all that matters, right?”

  Thomas shook his head, convinced neither by my answer nor by the tone in my voice. “If you say so.”

  We met at the end of the table. “After all that happened, I thought I would never be completely balanced again, but I am getting there.”

  “It’s good to hear that,” said Thomas, eating another mouthful of chocolate cake.

  “I still miss them…” I confessed.

  Thomas eyes darted to mine; he’d heard the longing in my voice. “It’s not easy. General Contini’s absence is still felt in a large measure in the army as well—it takes time.”

  “Time does diminish the pain.” I took one more bite of the fruitcake, and for some reason it tasted different each time. I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not. “I hope General Sterling is not disappointing at headquarters.”

  “He is managing really well there, and judging by what I have seen here today, he is succeeding at home as well.”

  I smiled, pleased with his comment. “He is. But what about you? What have you been up to besides the army?”

  “Not much,” he answered uncompromisingly, and ate more cake.

  “Not true,” I accused.

  “What? Why do you look at me like that?”

  “I’ve heard rumors…here and there.”

  “Oh, you have.”

  “Yes, so tell me,” I pressed.

  “Catherine and I are seeing each other—that’s all.”

  “That’s great news! You make a perfect couple.”

  “Shhh, not so loud—people will hear you.”

  “What is wrong with that?”

  “The rumors will continue and next I know, they’ll be planning my wedding.”

  “And there is no wedding?”

  “No! Not yet, it’s too soon.”

  “All right, I guess it is, but speaking of Catherine, where is she? I wish she had come.”

  “In London with family for the week.”

  “I see.”

  Thomas refilled his cup with fresh lemonade and in one sip drunk it all. He placed the cup back on a tray. “Florence, there is something different about you. Something unusual,” he said, observing me carefully. “I’m
not sure how to describe it.”

  Knowing Thomas, I wasn’t too surprised that he perceived the change that was taking place in me, but I couldn’t tell him what it was, not until I told Alex first. “I think it is called happiness. Thomas, I am happy.”

  The first sunrays of Christmas day filled our room. I glanced at Alex. He was face down, sound asleep. Today I would tell him. Today he would know. I caressed his back deciding how to disclose the news and wondering how he would react. Alex turned on his side and pulled me into his warm chest.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Sterling. Happy Christmas,” he said kissing my lips.

  “Happy Christmas to you, general, and the morning is better than good.”

  “You’re right. It’s wonderful.” He squeezed me tighter. “You know something?”

  “What?”

  “I think I love you.”

  “I know.”

  “You take advantage of that, don’t you?” he said and laughed, playfully pinching my waist.

  “Pretty soon you won’t be able to do that, you know.”

  “And why is that, my lady?”

  “Well…” I started but lost my concentration as his lips touched my skin. “I have news for you, general. Let me tell you…”

  “You do?” he asked, not letting me speak. I giggled and wrestled, but he wouldn’t listen.

  “Alex, seriously, listen!” I pressed my hands on his chest, pushing him away.

  “All right, all right, don’t hurt me—what’s the news?” He rolled off the bed.

  “General Sterling, you are going to be a father!”

  His deep blue eyes held mine in awe for an instant before filling with happiness. “Are you serious? Are you sure?” He jumped back onto the bed, landing on his knees.

  “I’m absolutely sure. I have waited two months to tell you—to be completely sure.”

  “Florence, that’s absolutely wonderful. I can’t believe it!” He placed his hand on my belly.

  I held his joyful face in my hands. “If I’ve calculated it right, the baby should be born sometime in July.”

  “A summer baby.”

  “I have asked Dr. Jones to start visiting me.”

  “We’ll have our own little family. It’s incredible.” Alex contemplated the idea; fully assimilating the magnitude of the miracle growing inside of me was far from our grasp still.

  “It will be a boy.” It was more my own desires than a real intuition.

  “No, it will be a girl, and we’ll call her ‘little lady’.”

  I laughed, knowing that it didn’t matter. Either way the child would be our greatest joy.

  By June, Dr. Jones prohibited me from riding horses. I had pushed his decision far enough. I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

  “It’s too dangerous in your condition,” said Dr. Jones flatly. “You’re done riding for a while.” I felt as if my legs had been cut off when he pronounced the order, but I strictly obeyed it.

  The last days of my wonderful journey came in the form of resting, eating, and moping around the manor. My heaviness along with the restrictions on traveling kept me from accompanying Alex to London. It also made me more dependent on Mrs. White to run the house and take care of any rising needs. Her dislike for me had grown hand in hand with the distrust I felt towards her. But having been in London most of the past few months had helped me cope with the decision to keep her around, at least until I found a safe excuse to let her go.

  The tiny person inside of me had grown considerably, more than double in the last six weeks. Daily, I felt his little legs pressing against my ribs, and his little fists waking me up every morning. There are things that our mortal eyes don’t need to see for us to love. My baby was one of them. Having this little person’s company made my loneliness lighter when Alex was away, especially when sleep would escape me.

  Tonight, my discomfort seemed to reach its peak. Alex left for London earlier this week to arrange a long leave from the army. He would be here to receive our child. Nothing was more important to him.

  The thick walls of my room were hotter than usual, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. My body was heavier and slower than ever, too big, too hot.

  “A cup of milk will help you relax and sleep,” I remembered Mrs. Allerton counsel when I was a child afraid of the dark. Maybe, milk was exactly what I needed, or maybe the baby was the one who needed it.

  Just before midnight my swollen legs attempted the painful journey to the kitchen, which had become increasingly difficult. “One step at a time, Florence,” I kept telling myself. Ever so slowly I descended the stairs. The baby kicked intensely against my ribs. My hands held my enormous tummy firmly.

  Stepping on the stone floor, I felt like an enormous whale gliding on ice as I circled to the back of the staircase. The lights coming from the kitchen were surprising at this time of night, and I wondered who else was unable to rest, when an agitated discussion stopped me in my tracks. The kitchen’s double door stood a few inches ajar, and I concealed myself behind it.

  “You are a fool!” a woman hissed, and I instantly recognized Mrs. White’s voice.

  “The only fool here is you—why won’t you accept it? You are wasting your life away, for what? In pursuit of the impossible,” a man cried out angrily, a man who had to be Mr. Vines.

  “He is young and foolish, but sooner or later, he’ll come to accept his love for me.”

  “How can he accept something that doesn’t exist? Something which will never exist!” Mr. Vines’s voice was deep in frustration. “Let him go and free yourself to be loved by someone who truly deserves you.”

  “Don’t be an idiot! When one loves so deeply, one just doesn’t let go.”

  “Why won’t you give me an opportunity to prove you wrong? You know that my feelings for you are real.” His voice grew a little calmer, perhaps hopeful. “I’ve been faithful to you through it all…even Frederick.”

  “Don’t you dare threaten me!” The tone in her response vibrated with more than anger, perhaps it was fear, I could not say, but whatever it was, Mr. Vines’s words had completely unhinged her.

  “I’m just trying to make you see how real my feelings are for you.” His voice softened, surely trying to keep the situation under control.

  “I can only love him. If I have to, I’ll wait for him all of my life.” Mrs. White was now the one to strike deep into his emotions, but he knew how to respond.

  “He will never be yours! He has everything a man could ask for—a good career, a beautiful young wife, and soon a child. He has a family!”

  “Perhaps if he is not with me, he would be better alone then.” Mrs. White words had a viciousness which froze my blood. “You know very well that I won’t hesitate to remove any obstacles.”

  I had a solid confirmation of her intentions, and Mr. Vines was my witness. Sometime, not far distant, I would expose the truth, but for my own sake, it would have to wait. It was clear that without Alex, I was unsafe and vulnerable under my own roof.

  Being afflicted in body and spirit now, I retraced my steps to my room. I locked the door behind me and climbed into bed, but I knew that sleep wouldn’t come tonight. Mrs. White was a real threat to me and my child.

  “Alex, you have to come at once,” I said over the phone.

  “Lady, what is wrong?”

  “Last night I heard something that is deeply disturbing, something which will change many things. I can’t tell you over the phone.”

  “Are you feeling unwell? How is the baby?”

  “We’re fine. I just need you home.” I calmed my voice. I had dealt with Mrs. White for quite some time. Alex had always said, “A contained enemy is no enemy at all.” I could manage a little longer.

  “I will leave as soon as I can. Florence, are you sure you’re all right?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. Just come home, please.”

  “I’ll leave as soon as I can,” he reiterated. “I love you, Florence.”

  “I love you more.”r />
  I exited the library in time to see a fast shadow disappearing into the back hall, and I wondered if I was now paranoid in consequence of last night’s conversation between Mrs. White and Mr. Vines.

  “Don’t fret, Florence. Things will work out. It’s just your imagination.” I dismissed what I had seen—Mrs. White had not been listening behind the door like a silent snake ready to strike; she had not heard the urgency, the terror in my voice. I had nothing to fear. I was on higher ground. She would soon be gone.

  I kept reassuring myself, holding my insecurities about Mrs. White in check, yet, without Alex, the manor felt menacing, and I sought refuge in the stables.

  I just needed to hold on a while longer. Alex would soon be home.

  Six horses looked at me from the security of their stalls, their big, wide eyes shining in the semi-darkness. I passed all of them to reach the very last one.

  My faithful friend Sunny reached her head over the short wall separating us to touch my hand. I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against her cold nose. “I’ll be able to ride you again soon, you know. You and I will watch my baby grow. We’ll watch him run through the green fields in the summer and play in the snow in the winter. He will love to ride on you as I do.”

  Sunny gazed at me, her black eyes full of life. Picking up a brush out of one of the buckets on the center aisle, I pushed open the small wood barrier and stepped inside her stall. Gently, I ran the brush over her brown mane, drifting in a pleasant dream of the days ahead.

  Sunny neighed, calling my attention to the stable’s massive front gates. Silhouetted on the threshold stood Mrs. White, a burlap sack hung from her hand. Slowly, she traveled down the path, her dark gaze sweeping over the horses. They recoiled in agitation as she passed. I wondered what had them so riled up.

  Mrs. White came to a halt in front of Sunny’s stall. “You love horses too much,” she said, snidely.

  “They are faithful and trustworthy, unlike many humans.” My voice was calm, but there was no mistaking the insult behind my words.

  Sunny neighed irritably; her enormous body rocked back and forth in the limited space of the stall. “It’s all right, girl.” I stroked her neck, but she remained restless.