The Reluctant Medium

by GG Anderson

  “I mean it Savanah; I will hold you to it.”

  I shook my head and exhaled. “Sure, but let me warn you, there isn’t much to tell.”

  “Good. Now let’s finish your hair, while you tell us what he looked like.”

  They had teased and pulled at all my hair. My natural curls had been coaxed into beautiful cascading locks. Not that I’d ever be able to replicate it again. It looked natural, and yet completely different. How was that possible?

  They had taken a last-minute shirt from Crystel’s drawer. It was already ripped in the front slightly, which apparently made it look ‘bad ass’ on me. Darcy was having way too much fun making me try on shirts. It was a shirt for crying out loud. What was wrong with the last one? How much difference did it really make?

  “Hey, wow.” Tyler’s green eyes sizzled as he walked in. “You look awesome. Do you have plans after this or something?”

  My brow knitted together. “I don’t think so.”

  “Cool.” He placed his hand right next to mine, a clear invitation for me to grab on.

  Hesitantly, I placed my hand in his. The butterflies bounced around inside me, as we started walking towards the gym. Holding hands with a guy who was cool, and nice and–let’s face it, not 10 at the county fair. I hadn’t had many boyfriend opportunities.

  “You’re awfully quiet. What’s up?” Tyler squeezed my hand.

  “Nothing, I’m just, I don’t know. I’m fine.”

  Tyler laughed, “Ah yes, the puzzle.”

  “The puzzle?”

  “Yeah. You. You’re the puzzle. I can’t quite figure you out. One second, you’re just a normal girl, then the next you’ve completely locked yourself up tight. I can’t ever tell what is really going on inside your head.”

  “Oh, I promise it isn’t as interesting as you think it might be. Really, it’s just stupid girl stuff.”

  “Right, that’s all it is? Hmm. Ok, then puzzle solved!” Tyler dropped my hand.

  My hand froze, empty. His long thin fingers left a vacancy I felt immediately. My eyes met his face and caught his glimmer of a joke.

  His hand grabbed mine again, “I am only kidding. The puzzle is far from solved.”

  My head was still heavy from the earlier conversation, and my expression must have read it. “Savanah, don’t stress, I like puzzles. And you know what else? I am damn good at them.”

  We walked into the gym just as the team was finishing their warmup. The energy boiled and churned in the air, while the crowd seemed to feed on the volume. Cheerleaders were warming up their stunts, stretching in contortionist ways, and posing for cute social media pictures.

  The student section was already filling up with so many people I’d never seen on campus. Was it possible they all went here? Girls in cut off crop tops and cute little tank tops filled the stands. It was the middle of November, and I wondered if they brought a sweater.

  Tyler filed in next to several other baseball players, many who brought in their to-go cups. Well at least they are staying hydrated, I thought but caught the whiff of some of their breath. – Then again, maybe not.

  Everyone seemed to know each other, and everyone knew Tyler. He introduced me to several people, whose names I would never remember, even if there was a million-dollar quiz afterwards.

  The game was loud, fast, and actually fun. They were winning by a landslide, and honestly, I found it quite easy to hang with Tyler’s friends. Just after half time Darcy and Camryn showed up. They’d pre-game partied before and had been drinking a bit. Darcy walked right up to Tyler, messing up his hair.

  “You are being good to my girl, Ty?”

  My face turned beet red.

  “Of course, Darc, but since when is she your girl?” Tyler’s face held that smirk that I couldn’t stop staring at. That was dangerous. Almost as dangerous as those dimples. He needed to not look like that.

  “Savannah is my girl. She’s special. You better be nice.” Darcy winked big at me.

  This was so surreal.

  Tyler wrapped his long arm around my waist, “Well, I will fight ya for her, how does that sound?”

  The man from the other day appeared directly in front of Tyler. He stared right at me.

  No, not now, not now, please no.

  His hand reached toward me, his stare growing more intense. I felt my feet fleeing up the stairs before I registered what had happened. I reached the woman’s bathroom and locked the stall in the farthest corner.

  My breathing remained ragged, my skin paled, and my knees shook. “No, please not now. Please, just go away.” my words barely audible to my own ears.

  “Savanah? You ok?” Camryn’s voice broke my rhythmic rocking. She knocked lightly, “Hey, what happened?”

  I unlocked the stall. “I’m fine.” I cracked. “Just – slight nausea. I think I’m coming down with something.”

  “Wow, how drunk do you think I am?” Camryn reached cautiously for my shoulder, but I pulled back instinctually. Camryn’s expression turned to knowing. “Touch. All be damned, you are some kind of magical. Holy shit!”

  My eyes filled with terror. “Camryn, please keep your voice down. Seriously, please don’t.”

  Camryn looked behind her, “Sorry, I guess I’m a little drunk.” She waited to hear the main door close again, “What can I do?”

  I felt tears blur my vision. My emotions ran so strong when I found myself in this state. “What?”

  “Oh sweetie, please don’t cry. What can I do to help?”

  “Help?” I had never had this. Never had a person I barely knew express anything but fear, and ignorance. I inhaled deeply, focusing on steadying my breathing, grounding my energy. “Camryn that is so sweet. Really, I’m fine. I just…” For the first time I didn’t need to lie. My go to response was always one of explanation or justification of my emotions. Making those believe that I just had a sensitive stomach. I toyed with epilepsy for a while, but it was too risky- real people had that, and the last thing I needed was for people to think I made it all up.

  “It’s passed. I’m ok.”

  Camryn relaxed slightly. “Does that happen all the time, or just someone you have feelings for?”

  A question I hadn’t quite asked myself yet. “I-I don’t really know. I guess it just happens.”

  “Do you want me to walk you home?”

  I shook my head, “No, I will be ok-I’m just so embarrassed. What is he going to think? What a freak.”

  Walking slowly, focusing on my steps one by one. These steps were always the most difficult. My body acted as if I hadn’t walked in years, my muscles extracting the memory of how to make the bones move from the cobwebbed corners of my mind.

  Inhale-exhale

  Focusing on my face in the mirror, externally, I looked normal- well, except better than normal thanks to my new friends.

  “Are we headed back to the game?” Camryn asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  She opened the door, “I got this, let’s go.”

  We shuffled back into the stands, “Sorry about that, apparently my girl can’t handle Jell-O shots as well as me!” Camryn laughed and slapped Tyler’s shoulder.

  My face flushed with embarrassment, “Sorry.” Looking up at Tyler through my lashes.

  His eyes locked in on mine. “You sure you are ok?” He reached for my back, “We can leave if you want.”

  “No, I’m fine. Just embarrassed and gross feeling.” Noting his hand froze in midair, rethinking his touch. The inner struggle tore at my heart. So much I wanted him to touch me, to feel his hand upon my skin, the warmth seeping into my still frigid bones. At the same time, the thought of his ghostly friend reappearing was more than I could handle.

  Tyler’s hand fell to his side, but his eyes continued to dance between me and the court. Finally, when it appeared there was no possible way the opposing team could come back, he leaned into my ear. “You wanna get outta here?”

  I nodded, glancing down, reaching for Camryn
’s hand. “Hey, we’re leaving.”

  She looked at me, “You good?”

  I nodded and forced a smile.

  “Ok, text me if you need me, got it?”

  I scooted by her, “I’m good.”

  Camryn leaned in for a hug and whispered in my ear, “Tell him.”

  I pulled back, rolling my eyes. “Thanks for everything.”

  The silence of campus greeted us as the heavy gym doors closed. The sidewalk had a light blanket of freshly fallen snow, quieting the night even further.

  “So, thanks for coming tonight.” Tyler walked close to me, but not quite touching.

  “Thanks to you. I’m sorry I’m a freak.”

  Tyler slowed his steps, “Stop insisting you’re a freak. Really, everyone gets sick sometimes.”

  Rolling my eyes again, “Yeah. I guess.”

  Tyler grabbed my hand. “But you didn’t get sick, did you?” My pulse quickened as I tried to breathe evenly. He locked on my eyes, stopping our forward motion. “There’s something else. Something happened to you?” His fingers were strong on mine, but a gentleness still radiated off his touch. “Tell me what happened.” It wasn’t a question, but there was no pressure in his words.

  My emotions betrayed me, “I wish I could.” Tears rolled slowly down my cheeks.

  He squeezed my hand. “Savanah, look at me.” My eyes met his reluctantly. “Savanah, if someone hurt you before, I get it, but I promise I’m not that person. I’m not going to hurt you.”

  The tears streamed now, no longer little dainty drops rolling down. I smiled at him. “It is so not what you think.” My feet fidgeted in the snow; my chin dipped down to break the eye contact again.

  “Then tell me.” He waited for me to respond. Finally, he gently grabbed my chin, “Tell me what is going on with you. Please.”

  It was the please, combined was the gentle touch on my face that made me begin to consider telling him everything.

  “If I told you, you’d think I was crazy.” My strength was returning. Maybe it was Camryn’s response earlier. Maybe it was thinking everything here was different.

  “I won’t think you’re crazy. Honest.” His smile faltered for just a half of a second.

  “Really?”

  “Try me.”

  I inhaled deeply. “I see things that aren’t there.” Starting small, that will see how he takes it.

  He laughed before he could stop himself. “See things? Like what?”

  I stood back on my heals, “Yep, that’s what I thought. It’s ok. Really.” I turned away, stepping towards my dorm.

  “Wait, would you? Savanah, stop.”

  My feet quickened. With every step I gained confidence in my decision. No one else needed to know my secret. I’d already told him too much.

  “Savanah, seriously. I’m sorry! You see things? Like what?” Tyler reached for my hand, and I pulled it away.

  “I’m really tired. Good night, Tyler.” I turned on my toes and climbed the stairs to my dorm. Tyler called behind me, but I didn’t let one step falter. I continued as quickly as I could, tuning out his voice. I focused on my own mind and getting closer to the doors.

  He couldn’t handle what I had to say. He couldn’t take it. Besides, I didn’t really feel comfortable admitting what I saw. After all, it wasn’t supposed to continue.

  I’d left that behind.

  I pulled the door open, hearing the faintest edge of Tyler’s voice in the distance.

  The voices, the images, the people-ghosts were not supposed to follow me here.

  And yet, they were here.

  I curled my legs into myself as I watched the snow drift down out the window.

  So much was different. So much had changed since I first came to this place.

  And yet-

  It was the exact same.

  But it wasn’t.

  The falling snow thickened, and the flakes grew heavier, fuller, and yet somehow their drift down through the clouds had slowed. I focused on their shapes, their positions, their soft flutter.

  I was the snow. I had changed since coming here. Before it fell fast, and wet-haphazardly hitting the sidewalk with no purpose, no planned trajectory.

  And now?

  Now I had started to trust others, make friends, be ok in larger groups. Looking back at the snow I saw myself in the flakes again.

  Now, I was fuller, more substantial and floating down slower, with purpose and somehow in the darkness of my room, in the tiny window, I saw I also had intention.

  Chapter Seven

  I slept harder and better than I had in months. Nothing disturbed my sleep. I’d drifted off sometime after midnight, assuring Camryn I was fine, and ignoring three text messages from Tyler.

  My eyes fluttered open to my entire room still sleeping.

  That never happened.

  I gathered my shower bag and headed down the hall.

  In the span of a few hours, it felt I had aged mentally, settled into my realities.

  The reality stood firmly-I see things that are not there. Rather it be a mental disorder on my end, or something entirely different, that was still to be determined.

  I smirked at Darcy saying I was a Medium.

  As if.

  I twisted my hair into the towel. Today, I would do homework and focus on nothing else.

  I laughed. Well, I would try to not focus on anything else.

  I found the library to be almost too busy on Sundays. It seemed all those who were supposed to study all weekend saved all their work until Sunday.

  I’d found a small little corner I could tuck away in. My ear buds firmly shoved into my ears, I cracked the book, looking for the faint memories of my class lecture. My paper for Western Civ wasn’t going to just write itself.

  The day drug on as I chipped away at my list to get done. Slowly, less than a snail’s pace, I began to make progress.

  “So, how’s it going?” Leah’s voice broke my concentration.

  Wow so much had happened since Leah and I’d connected. “Nothing much, just buried in homework of course.”

  “Really, because Nicki saw you at the basketball game with Tyler.” Leah’s brows moved up and down, “She said you guys definitely looked like a couple.” Her smile spread wide across her face.

  I looked back down at my book. “Yeah, I guess it was sort of a date.”

  She fell into the chair across from me, “So spill! I want all the details.”

  I tried to decide on the fly how I was going to handle this. On one hand, I wanted to share with Leah, but on the other, the much more dominate hand, I didn’t feel I needed to. Afterall, Leah was gone so much with her outdoor group, she and I had started to drift apart. Really, without anything changing, our tracks had drifted apart. No longer running congruent.

  “Leah, there isn’t really anything to tell. How was the hike?”

  “Oh no, you are not getting away that easy. What happened?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Really nothing. And that’s it. We just don’t really click, ya know?”

  “But Nicki said she saw you leave, like visibly upset. What was that about?”

  So, this Nicki was a total busy body and had attention to detail.

  Awesome. “Well, maybe if Nicki had paid attention a little closer, she would have reported back that I’d gotten sick.” Partially true.

  Leah touched my hand, “Oh my gosh, did he slip you something?”

  “No!” Wow, had Leah always been like this? “I’d done a few Jell-O shots with Cam and Darcy before the game. Not a good idea.”

  “Cam? The track girl?”

  “Yeah, she is really cool. She came and checked on me when I got sick.” I took this as a possible exit on the Tyler road of conversation. “She is super funny. And so nice.” I shook my head, “She pushes Crystel’s buttons and it is hilarious to watch. She’s a really great person, I’m glad I got to know her.” And now for the official shift in the conversation, “So tell me about the hike? Any hot
guys enter the picture?”

  That did the trick. Leah prattled on about the entire trip, which honestly, made me so glad I had opted out. They ate camas root soup with pine nuts and bitterroot.

  “It started to really snow, so we packed up and didn’t stay overnight. The professor was a little worried about what gear we’d brought. It was so much fun though.”

  I tried to look understanding and show excitement for my friend, but eating weeds for fun made my excitement feel incredibly fake. “I’m so glad you found this group. You’ve really loved it.” That was sincere. If Leah hadn’t found the outdoor club, she would be hounding me to go do all this stuff, and that wasn’t happening.

  Leah chuckled, “So I take it you’re still busy when the next trip is scheduled?”

  “Definitely.” I laughed, “but seriously, if I don’t get moving on this paper, I will be eternally busy because I’m still trying to pass Western Civ.”

  Leah grinned, “Stats. I hear ya,” she stood up, “Catch up later, k?”

  “Deal. See ya.” I went back to my paper, trying to collect my thoughts from before Leah showed up. I’d lost a good half hour chatting, and my anxiety started to build.

  “Hey, can we talk?” Tyler’s voice interrupted my string of ideas that had begun to reform into sentences.

  My sigh wasn’t meant for him, but set the whole tone of the conversation, “Not really. I have got to get this paper done.”

  His lips curled into that adorable, and incredibly annoying smile. “I see.”

  “Tyler just forget about last night. I’m fine. Everything is fine, all is good, ok?” Why did my words sound the opposite of fine then? Why did the tone of my voice sound like we weren’t even friends anymore?

  Tyler’s face showed the same read on my statement. “I see. Well, then-I guess it was nice knowing ya, Savanah.” He knocked my book with his fist. “See ya round.”

  I reached for his hand, “Wait, that didn’t come out right.” As I looked up at him, I saw his passenger standing directly over his shoulder. The cold traveled through me like a rocket, and my blood left my head. I placed my other hand on the table to steady myself.