The Reluctant Medium

by GG Anderson

  It happened so fast and had taken me off guard. I drew a much-needed ragged breath, as my eyes started to see stars.

  “Savanah?” Tyler’s hands were on my shoulders, his eyes met mine. “Savanah? What happened? Savanah, look at me.”

  My eyes fluttered open and Tyler’s concerned expression met mine. He was so close. His lips were right there. The edge of his baseball cap blocked my view of the harsh lights above us. I tried to focus past his adorable curls that peaked out of the edges of his hat. Tried to look past his perfectly shaped eyebrows. Tried to not get lost in the deep green of his eyes. What happened?

  I pushed myself up, still surprised that I was on the floor. How did I get on the floor? Shards of memories began to fill my mind. Falling slowly into place.

  “Right.” I pushed myself up. “Sorry, I guess I didn’t eat.” Yeah, that would be a reason, “Or drink anything really.”

  Tyler was still locked on my eyes. Complete disbelief clouded his expression. “Ok, seriously. Spill. What is really going on with you? Are you like a mutant or something?”

  My jaw locked, “Mutant?” That was just downright insulting.

  His ears turned red, “Yeah, like in X Men. The chick couldn’t touch skin?” He shrugged. “It’s like every time we touch you pretty much lose it.”

  I never cared about comic books, probably because I lived enough crazy in my own mind. “Yeah, I guess I missed that one.” I stood up, stacking my books, and shoving them into my bag. “Fine. But not here.” Somehow, I just needed to get this over with.

  “Where do you wanna go?”

  “Someplace without people.”

  “My fraternity has met a few times in Blachley.” he pointed.

  “No, not Blachley.” We made our way to the doors.

  “Cool, no Blachley. How about Jewett. No one is ever in there.”

  Jewett was the large auditorium on campus. No classrooms, no practice spaces, so pretty much perfect. I nodded.

  We walked silently across to the doors and I followed him down into the basement. He sat on the large sofa, and I folded my legs under me on the love seat across from him. His arms stretched out across the back of the sofa, completely distracting me. His arms were so long, and lean. The long sleeve t-shirt hugged the curve of his biceps and his overly veined hands reached the length of the overstuffed back.

  “So.” His words pulled me back.

  “What?” I flushed thinking of all the images of his bare arms wrapped around me that had flashed through my mind. I shook my head, “Right. Sorry. What is wrong with me?”

  “Are you pregnant?” His eyes were stone cold serious. “I mean, it happens and I’m not judging.”

  “What the hell?” My voice cracked at the top, “No I’m not pregnant! Good lord!”

  His casual stance didn’t change. “Hey, I’m just saying I am not one to judge. You do you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Ok, well. I am not pregnant. So, let’s take that off the table immediately.”

  He turned his hands up in a questioning expression.

  “I told you the other day I see things.”

  “Yeah, you said you see things that aren’t there.”

  Oh. He did listen.

  “Yeah. Well, I see – people.”

  He tilted his head. “People?”

  I swallowed a drink from my water bottle. It was now or never.

  Jump.

  I took a deep breath and met his eyes, “You have an older man with you. He wears denim and I bet he is your grandpa? Maybe?”

  His arms drooped. His face fell.

  “Well, whoever he is, he is with you-like–all the time. His face is rounder than yours, but he is about your height. His hair is grey, but I think it was black or dark brown when he was younger, and he has the bluest eyes.” My gaze had drifted off, losing focus when I started explaining him.

  “What the holy fuck are you saying?” His words were only a whisper.

  “I see people. I see people who are not here anymore.”

  Tyler pulled his hat off. His brain was trying to process, and his fidgeting continued. He ran his hand through his hair. At one point, putting his head in his lap.

  I sat still until I noted Tyler had stopped moving. Silently, I picked up my bag and started towards the stairs.

  It was worth a shot. What did I expect him to do?

  “Would you wait a sec?”

  I stopped on the stairs. “Tyler, it’s ok. I get it. It’s a lot to take, and bottom line, you can’t even be sure I’m telling the truth.”

  “What the hell, do you read minds too?”

  I smiled softly. “No, Tyler, you’re normal. It’s ok. Seriously, I get it.” I smiled again, “Look, take all the time you need. If it’s too much, no stress. We never had this conversation. Cool?”

  I kept walking up the stairs. I could almost feel his conflicted feelings letting me walk away. It really needed to be this way. He needed to think, to see if this was ok. He had to take a beat and know for sure he could hear more.

  I took the last steps, knowing not everyone would take it like Camryn did. Not everyone would be as knowing as Darcy was. And I had to be ok with that because I couldn’t change their reaction.

  Walking out of the building, I realized for the first time I had owned my curse. I admitted I could see people who were no longer on this earth.

  The next day, I woke feeling lighter. Calm. More at peace. Part of me knew that it would hurt so badly if Tyler stayed away, but the other part believed he had to come to his own peace with it. Either he could handle it, or he couldn’t. Either way I’d told him. I’d been honest. And that was a huge step.

  I looked for Camryn and finally found her at lunch.

  “You got a sec?” I asked, trying not to interrupt the whole table.

  “Of course. Here”, She looked at the girl next to her, “Hailey, move over, would ya?”

  I turned beat red, “No, it’s ok really, I just need a minute.”

  “You’ve gotta eat, right?”

  “Well, yeah, but...”

  “Sit down.” I thanked the Hailey girl for moving, and she smiled briefly before going back to her conversation with the other girls at the table.

  “What’s up?” Cam asked, taking a bite of her French fry.

  “I told Tyler.” I took a bite of pizza.

  “Told him what?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I told him.” Lowering my chin, “I told him.”

  “About the guy in the hall?” Camryn’s voice lowered and her eyes widened. “Holy crap. What did he say?”

  I shrugged again and kept chewing with a smile on my face. “I don’t know.”

  “Back up. You told him, and what did he say?”

  I washed down my pizza, “I haven’t talked to him. I told him he could think about it and get back to me.”

  “Do you think he believed you?” Camryn had completely abandoned her lunch. “I mean”, her eyes looked around the table. “You know what I mean, right?”

  “Did he believe me like you?” I was amazed at my own casual tone. “Honestly, I don’t know how he couldn’t. I described his,” I looked around, just to make sure we hadn’t drawn attention to ourselves, “friend, I guess pretty accurately. I think he doesn’t have much of choice. He knows I’m telling the truth.”

  Camryn looked at the clock on her phone. “I have a track meeting, but this is not over. Where are you later?”

  “I have a 3:30 and then I’m out, so probably in our room.”

  Ok, we have practice at 4:00, let’s meet for dinner? 6:30?”

  “Yeah, that works.”

  “Cool. If you had plans with Leah, she’s cool.” Camryn took a few more bites.

  “Oh, Leah doesn’t know.” I felt my palms get sweaty. “Camryn, no one knows but you.”

  “Well, and Darcy, but...”

  “No, no one really knows, she knows I saw something that one time in the hall, and thinks I am like her cool grandma, but n
o one knows, knows.” I touched her hand and quickly pulled it away.

  She caught the pull and smiled knowingly. “No worries, I think I am pretty safe. So, no one knows? Just me?”

  My eyes shined with sincerity. “No one.”

  “Except Tyler.”

  My face fell.

  “Oh my gosh, relax, I’m so staying out of that mess.” Her face grew sober, “But seriously, thank you for trusting me. That’s huge.”

  “Thank you for-well just thank you.” I could see the rest of the table had already started clearing their plates and gathering their stuff. “You gotta go.”

  “Yep, dinner?”

  “6:30.”

  “Cool, see you then.”

  I ate slowly, then headed off to study before class. I met up with Leah in the library, and we crammed through more Western Civ, the class that would never end. Sure, having Tyler in class, made Tuesday and Thursday way more fun, but honestly, the class itself was a time suck. We only had one more day of classes this week. Then we broke for Thanksgiving. The problem was, it would put me and Tyler in the same room for the first time since I told him. He hadn’t texted all day, and truly I was still ok with that, but if he ignored me tomorrow? Could I handle that part?

  “Do you wanna start on Stats?”

  Leah broke my thought tangent. “Yeah, I have a little time.”

  We started rearranging books, putting away one set, for the other. “So, how’s Tyler?” Leah asked as we set up for the new subject.

  I shrugged my shoulders, “Ok, I guess. I don’t know.” I’d been expecting this question. There was no way we would make it through the study session without the subject being brought up.

  “You don’t know? What is that supposed to mean?”

  Pushing my hair back over my ear, “I don’t know because I’ve not really checked in. It’s been study central in my world. Hello. Tests, papers, getting ready for finals?” I said, trying to refocus our conversation.

  Leah rolled her eyes. “Finals are like weeks away.” She leaned over the book, “Tell me everything.”

  I moved my notebook to on top of my book and thumbed through my notes. “Ok, when he was talking about probability sampling, I don’t totally get how we are supposed to relate it to central limit theorem.”

  “Oh no. We are talking about this.”

  I stared at her blankly. This wasn’t productive, and she wasn’t going to back down. I let out a sigh and closed my notebook, shoving back into my backpack. “Ok, I have to go- I only had few minutes left anyway.” I added the textbook, and zipped it closed. “I’ll see you after the holiday. Happy Thanksgiving.” I turned away without a glance back.

  Leah was a great person. She’d helped me through so much those first few weeks. She’d been a friend, and honestly that had felt new for me. At least it did-before.

  After class, I walked slowly to the Caf, completely on auto pilot. I’d be early, but early was better than sitting in an empty classroom or worse yet, running into Leah. I checked my phone. I was only eight minutes early, not too bad.

  I glanced up. The window was filled with the small face I remembered. This time, I smiled, and the little girl smiled back.

  I had eight minutes.

  My feet moved towards the ancient house. I grew closer and sensed the cold enter my body. The temperature felt like it had dropped twenty degrees in two steps.

  I took a deep breath and kept walking.

  My legs trembled as the first step raised me closer to the front door.

  Deep breath-keep walking.

  My foot shook as the second step rested beneath my weight.

  “Savanah?!”

  The word broke through my fog. I shook my head slightly and turned towards the voice.

  “You ok? I’ve called your name like three times.” Camryn was almost to the stairs.

  I stepped back and could feel the connection snap between me and the house.

  Strange. This was new.

  “Yeah, I’m just” I looked back at the house, “I’m just experimenting.”

  Camryn shifted her eyes from the house to me, “Gotcha. Any results yet?”

  I smiled, having someone to talk to like this felt so freeing. “Not yet, but some hypotheses are starting to form.”

  “Well, when you’re ready to share your results, let me know.” She turned toward the dining hall, “I’m starving.”

  We headed in and secured a two-top table near the windows.

  “So, spill.” Cam filled her fork with salad.

  I set down my French fry. “I told him the truth. I told him he had a passenger who seemed to be with him most of the time. I described him and told him I’d had this since I could remember. I told him it was ok that he didn’t believe me, and he could take all the time he needed to decide if we still talked, or if I was just crazy. And then I picked up my bag and left.”

  Cam had stopped chewing. Her mouth held the last forkful of food still.

  I took a bite of my sandwich, as Camryn forced down her bite. “What the heck? Damn, when you let go, you just go.”

  My brow creased, “I didn’t let go. I just told him.” I took a drink, “Now I haven’t heard from him, and I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t have told him. But I had to. This is stupid. I feel like I’m twelve.”

  Cam smiled, “You totally launch a massive bomb. Now you don’t know why he hasn’t called?” Her head shook, “Han, how could he process all of that in a day? Give him a beat. And why do you feel twelve?”

  “Why do you call me Han?”

  Her shoulders went up, “Well you needed a nickname and Sav didn’t work, nah didn’t work, so I improvised.” She took another bite, “Why twelve?”

  “I never did the boy thing in high school. Grandma would tell me stories of when her and grandpa first met, and how they dated and talked and flirted and danced. I never did any of that. I didn’t go out one time.”

  “Dude, when your grandparents were young, that was all there was to do. Now, most of us have very little dating experience. Who has time? With school, and homework, and sports, or” she motioned to me, “séances, who has the time? It would totally cut into my three-hour sleep allotment.” She laughed.

  “So, what do I do?”

  “You give the guy a hot minute. Han, you are not normal” Camryn reached for my hand, “And that is beyond cool. She who can speak to the past, will know the future.”

  “What is that from?”

  “The book of Camryn.”

  I smiled and kept eating. “Cam?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For this.”

  Camryn set down her fork. “Why do you think you are such a pariah?”

  I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. “Because I’m not normal. I am awkward, and weird and a freak.”

  “Han, you wanna know a secret? We all are. Welcome to the circus.”

  We finished dinner and walked out. “I’m meeting Darcy and a few others, you wanna join?”

  I shook my head. “No, I think I am going to just hang alone for a while.”

  “Suit yourself.” Camryn twirled her hand in the air, “Tell them hi!” She winked and walked away, leaving me alone.

  I glanced up at the house. Nope, I really wasn’t ready for that right now, so I headed back to my room.

  Class started and I sat in my usual place. My knee bounced up and down with anticipation. Was he going to show?

  The professor was about to start when Tyler slid in the door. He walked directly to his usual seat.

  This was a good sign.

  Today was lecture and test prep. It required focus. With only thirty people in the class, it became super obvious if you were not paying attention.

  The professor wrapped up, and Tyler sprang from his seat. I sat frozen as he walked out of the room.

  I swallowed hard. This rejection felt different than from the kids at school used to feel. This stung pretty d
eep. I forced my feet to move. This was it. I was done until next week. Time to drive home.

  In a haze, I walked back to my room and shoved stuff into a bag. I needed to run right now. The feeling in my chest was too much, too heavy.

  Chapter Eight

  I tossed the duffle into the cab and sat with the engine running.

  I texted Camryn and Leah quickly to say I’d just left campus, and to have a good Thanksgiving.

  Inhaling, I put the truck in drive.

  The parking lot felt like a forcefield I’d struggled to break through. It stretched, trying to hold on to me as I pushed beyond its boundaries.

  By the time I reached the freeway, my chest started to loosen slightly. My hands on the wheel, I allowed my mind to drift to this semester and all the changes.

  I started to step into my true self. There was no denying my extra sense. Hiding from it, running from it, didn’t really help. It just pushed the inevitable off for a little while.

  But how would I deal with it? If it really was some sort of ability, then there had to be a reason I had it. It couldn’t just be to torture myself.

  There had to be more.

  Something I could do with it, to be helpful.

  If I could run or throw like Camryn, it would be obvious what I was supposed to do with it, but what was I supposed to do with this?

  The road and time moved under my tires, and before I knew it, I’d exited the freeway. My grandparents would be so excited to see me. I told them last night; it would be late when I made it home.

  I walked into the house to the smell of pie. Dang I loved pie. Something the college never offered on the dessert menu. Not that they would ever be as good as grandmas.

  After dinner, I decided to take a walk. Grandma was tired, even though she was through rehab, she just didn’t have the stamina she did before.

  My grandparents were getting older, and I hated it. A walk would be a good distraction.

  My feet led me to the edge of the old college.

  It had finally been bought a couple years ago, and the people had begun restoring it, one building at a time. This left several still in condemned condition. I walked across what used to be the football field and headed to the backside of campus. Technically this was trespassing. But who was going to arrest me for walking?