The Reluctant Medium

by GG Anderson

  Many times.

  But I just didn’t feel like I could go through with it. And the few times I considered just throwing caution to the wind, it was not in the best of locations.

  I sighed, “So if I couldn’t have helped you with your grandpa’s stuff, you would still want to date me?” Oh, it was pathetic how sniveling that sounded.

  “Yeah, Savanah it wouldn’t change a thing.” He kissed my head again. Laughing lightly, “You know your hair is starting to thaw, it doesn’t feel like my lips are going to stick to it anymore.”

  I pulled away. “Ha-ha.”

  “So, tell me, why the Miss Freeze routine?” He wrapped a blanket around my legs, rubbing them fiercely.

  I gave him the condensed version, simply that Karson has taken me to the roof, I left out how to get up there exactly, it was her private spot after all. I shared the highlights of Brocks’ exploits. “She said he only hit her a few times,” I shook my head, “He is such a dirtbag.”

  “High school guys who hit are headed for bad bad things. That is the time when they shouldn’t have enough confidence or alcohol to cross that line. They should be beating up other guys, not girls.”

  I stared at him in disbelief.

  He held his hands up. “I am not saying that it is ever ok, Savanah. I am saying usually those types of personalities don’t come out that early.”

  “I thought you were pre-med?”

  “I am, but I also took a few psychology classes too.”

  “Well, technically he was out of high school. He was two years older than her.”

  He wrinkled his face, “Eww, that is the worst. So, he is a dirt bag that never left high school.”

  “Pretty much.”

  He reached around me, “I am so sorry for her. That is seriously the worst. I’m glad she has you to talk to.”

  “Yeah, I’m glad too. I just wish there was something I could do to help her.”

  “Don’t you think you are? I mean, you are listening to her, that’s more than anyone has been able to do for her.”

  “I wish I could make Brock go away.”

  “Well, maybe that’s what the subject of today’s session needs to be with Dr. Eyebright.” He rolled me onto my side and pulled me closer, “Let’s just watch some boring stupid tv.” He grabbed the remote and clicked it on.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Dr. Eyebright was with a student when I arrived. I hung out in the hall, trying to look casual. I felt out of place and uncomfortable. I shifted my focus on tonight. Camryn had insisted we spend some time together, just the two of us. She’d been so busy with indoor track since she got back from Belize. I felt like we hadn’t talked in forever and I couldn’t wait to hang with her.

  “Oh my gosh, Savanah?” Brooklyn’s voice broke through my thoughts.

  I turned to stare at her walking out of Dr. Eyebright’s office. “Hi, Brooklyn.”

  Her face crinkled up, “What are you doing here?”

  Of course, she had to ask that. I had no real reason. I stared at her dumbly, “Um, well.”

  “Savanah, are you ready?” Dr. Eyebright asked before I had a chance to come up with some ridiculous excuse.

  “Yes Ma’am.” I ducked into her office, waving feebly to Brooklyn.

  Dr. Eyebright completely ignored the exchange between Brooklyn and me and went right into our session. “So, how are things going? When we talked last, you felt pretty good with how things had progressed.”

  I sat back, relaxing into my chair, “Yeah it is going well. I just wish I could figure out how to send a bad spirit away, so the good spirit isn’t having to dodge him all the time.”

  Her brows raised, “It seems we have made some deeper connections?”

  I nodded my head, “Yeah, I had the chance to talk to Karson.” I shivered at the memory of her bloody form. “Brock was terrible. He is looking for her all the time and insists that he is going to be with her forever. I just wish I could drive him away, or banish him, or send him into the next level or something.”

  She sat silently, while I worked through my anger. I met her eyes, and she began to speak. “Please understand your gift does not require you to fix things. I don’t think you have the type of power to force someone to move on.”

  “I thought that was kind of the point, to push them over to start again, live in clouds, burn in damnation, whatever it is. I thought that is what I was working towards.”

  Dr. Eyebright smiled sweetly. “You thought you had officially become the gatekeeper to the afterlife? That you saw ghosts, and therefore your job was to start ushering them over?”

  “Well, I guess.” It felt incredibly silly to hear that out loud, like I was some super powerful witch or wizard.

  “You are still not sure what your purpose is for this gift, but I promise you there is no overseer position for you to fill.” She leaned forward, “Maybe your purpose is to just be there for those that have no one to listen to. Maybe you are here to collect their stories, keep them alive in that way.”

  The images of me cataloging all their feelings. Karson’s words came back, “You know you are the first person I have ever been able to tell my side to.”

  Stories and emotions, they hadn’t shared since they died, “I wasn’t there to tell him how proud of him I am, but boy am I.” Tyler’s grandpa’s words rang in my mind.

  It clicked. Things started to make sense. I didn’t need to fix it all. I couldn’t fix it all. “So listening is helping,” I stated.

  “Don’t you feel it helps to be heard?”

  I nodded. I thought of how closed I was when I arrived here, how unhappy I was until I found people who knew my secret. Friends. “I can listen. They definitely deserve that.”

  “Good, I am positive they will appreciate you listening for sure.”

  I frowned, “But is there nothing we can do to help Brock stay away from her?”

  “I don’t think either of us have those answers. Remember we are kind of working through this step by step,” she shrugged lightly.

  I nodded, still frowning.

  After our meeting I met Camryn for dinner and ran into Tyler in the caf. Tyler tried to tag along on our movie date, but Camryn quickly squashed that plan. “You have had her like constantly. You need to share the Han a bit!” Camryn jabbed, “besides, what’s this I hear about you guys going out of town together?” Her brows flitted up and down as Tyler’s face shined with his cocky grin. My expression was complete embarrassment.

  “Well, aren’t you just the gossip girl. Gotta know everyone’s business.” Tyler stabbed a piece of her chocolate cake off her plate and ate it as she glared at him. “It’s no big deal, she’s just keeping me company on a quick trip home,” he winked at me and ran his hand up my thigh. “She was worried I would crash without supervision.”

  I rolled my eyes, “Hey, it isn’t exactly like that.”

  “It’s ok, I think it’s cute,” he kissed my cheek. I flamed beet red. I still couldn’t get used to the public displays of affection, but it was something he did try to keep to a minimum. He knew little things he could get away with, but the major attention grabbers I was not comfortable with at all.

  “So, when are you stealing my roommate?” Camryn shoved her plate away, picking up her water.

  Tyler took it as an invitation to help finish the cake she hadn’t touched yet. “We’re still figuring it out, but I think maybe Sunday?” He stuck the fork into his mouth.

  “Sunday?” My mouth went dry.

  “Well yeah, why, are you busy?”

  “No, Sunday should be cool,” I swallowed. Nerves about going to his home, potentially meeting his family, and definitely seeing his grandpa’s ranch just felt like a big step.

  Camryn caught my expression. “Ok cool, you done?” She looked at my almost empty plate and my non-moving fork.

  “Yeah,” I grabbed my things and got up to leave.

  “You sure you don’t need a bodyguard?”

  Camryn laughed, �
��Hey ball boy, I am pretty sure I can out bench you.”

  Tyler rolled his eyes but dropped it. He walked us out and kissed me more deeply. I fell into the moment but pulled away blushing red again. His satisfied dimple display made Cam stick her tongue out. “Hey, I’m just making sure she knows what she’s leaving behind.”

  “You don’t know. She might not be leaving it behind, maybe I’m a better kisser, you don’t know, this is college after all,” Camryn raised her eyebrows and smirked.

  Tyler grabbed me as I started to pull away, “I don’t share well.”

  “Oh my gosh, stop it. This is stupid,” I pushed away from Tyler’s arms, “Can we go?”

  “Of course, my love,” Camryn looped her arm through mine and winked at Tyler.

  “Stop.” I looked at her, completely over this little game, “Good by Tyler, I’ll see ya later.” We walked toward the parking lot.

  “So, how’s the hauntings going?” It had been a while since I had given Camryn the whole scoop. I prattled on until we reached the movie theatre.

  “That’s pretty much all.”

  She shook her head, “Damn, and I was worried about fitting homework around throwing drills.”

  “It isn’t like it’s that big of a thing.” I fidgeted with my wallet.

  “Ok, ok, I know, I know, moving on.” Camryn knew when I needed to let things go. She had become such an important person in my world this year.

  The movie was the latest action speed movie. Girl leads, lots of guns and when it ended, I realized how much I truly needed a night off. A night of just girl time.

  We grabbed a coffee and headed back towards campus. The snow had begun to melt during the day, but the temperatures at night were still frigid. We were giggling at movie lines when we entered the hallway.

  “I know you know where she is.” I stopped so suddenly, I almost spilled my coffee.

  Brock stood outside our door.

  Camryn looked from me to the empty hall to my face and registered what was going on. She took a step back, angling herself behind me.

  “Brock, I have said it before, you are not welcome here. Leave.”

  His energy felt stronger tonight. “You know where she is. I can tell.”

  “Brock, I will never tell you anything.” I took a deep breath intentionally grounding. It had become second nature, just a natural thing anymore. Tonight, I knew I needed to focus a bit. “You are not welcome here. Your place is no longer here, it is time you leave forever.”

  “But you do know where she is. So, she is here someplace?”

  My face faltered slightly. Had I just given him the victory he so desperately wanted? I focused and readied my hands. “I command you to leave this space. You are not welcome. You are no longer allowed to haunt this place. Leave now!” I forced my arms forward, but he only flickered slightly.

  I swallowed hard. Now what? That was my big trick. If he was still here, it wasn’t working. My mind spun trying to figure out what to do next.

  Then it hit me.

  I close the curtain!

  I remembered that I controlled his presence.

  I smiled knowingly and waved. Then I inhaled, closed my eyes, and mentally dropped the curtain. I imagined the end of a play, the heavy fabric dropping, separating the actors from the audience.

  I opened my eyes to nothing. I had done it! I had blocked him from my vision and eliminated his ability to interact with me.

  “What exactly just happened?” Camryn had dethawed next to me.

  During the altercation, I had almost forgot she was here. I turned toward her, “It’s fine. He can’t bother us now.” I smiled at her, and touched her shoulder, “Really it’s ok.”

  She shrugged my hand off, “Dude you’re freezing! Come on, let’s get inside and get you a blanket.”

  She approached the door, unlocking it and I followed her inside. There was a cold pocket of air by the door, and I knew it was Brock, but I honestly didn’t pause, I just kept going inside.

  “I need a beer.” Camryn reached in the fridge and pulled out a bottle, “You want one?”

  I shook my head. “I’m good. I think I’ll make tea.”

  She took a drink, and I started the hotpot for tea. I was picking out my flavor as Camryn interrupted my thought. “So, the hallway? That’s normal?” She took another long drink.

  “Um, I don’t know. Brock is by far the worst one I deal with. He is just pure ick,” I sat with my tea opposite of her. “Most of the time, it isn’t that intense.”

  She took another drink. “Yeah, that shit's crazy,” she drained the beer bottle. “I do not know how the hell you do that every day.”

  I shrugged, “Well, I’ve learned to control things. That’s been the biggest helper so far.”

  “Do I want to know what that means?”

  I took a sip, “It’s a way to block things, and keep myself protected.”

  “Is that what you did out there?” she pointed towards the hall, and I could almost make out a shiver.

  I nodded, “Yeah, eventually. At first, I tried to force him to leave, but it didn’t work. It had before, but today, for some reason it didn’t. I had to block him out completely.”

  “What do you mean, like you just ignore him?”

  “No, it’s like a window I close.”

  She nodded, “You do realize how absolutely crazy this all seems, right?”

  I blushed, “Yep, definitely crazy.” I took a gulp of my tea. I met her eyes, and sighed, “Try living it.”

  She laughed and grabbed another beer, “So this weekend.”

  I threw my head back. “I am just driving with him. I don’t understand what the big deal is.”

  “Big deal? You guys are going to be together for hours. This is a big step. It’s like a super date.”

  My stomach flipped, and the butterflies came out. “I hadn’t really thought of that.” Concern spread across my face.

  “Why are you freaking out? I am just saying it is a big step and means you guys are pretty serious. This is cool.”

  “Because”, I said tossing my hands up in the air, “What if things go bad? What if he decides he hates me?”

  Camryn rolled her eyes, “Oh my hell, you ARE crazy. Tyler is absolutely fallen for you. Don’t you know that?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Well, according to the guys he is completely whipped. Like completely. He would rather hang out with you than his boys.”

  I creased my forehead. “No way. I so don’t believe you.”

  She shrugged, “You should. That’s why he had to go out the other night. They’d been bugging him forever.”

  It made a little sense. He hadn’t been out with the guys at all. My face must have revealed my thoughts.

  “See? And even though he was with them, he still couldn’t help but call and check in with you.” Camryn finished the second beer and switched to water, “You can’t deny it. Did he check in that night?”

  I smiled, “Yes.”

  “Exactly. And I know this, but I have to have confirmation. You guys haven’t even hooked-up yet, have you?”

  My face turned deep crimson, “That isn’t anyone’s business.” I whispered, keeping my eyes focused down.

  “Han, you know I love you. I’m not trying to mess with you, I’m just adding to the evidence.”

  “What evidence?”

  “That Tyler is completely and totally whipped. He is stupid crazy about you, and if he weren’t, he would have been long gone by now.”

  Instantly I was offended. “Why would you say that?”

  Camryn rolled her head around, “Because obviously he will be patient for someone he really really cares for. He isn’t going to wait around for sex from someone he doesn’t have feelings for.”

  I set my empty cup on the desk. He’d said he wasn’t in a hurry. He told me if he only wanted that, he would be gone, but whipped wasn’t a term I would use. More like a curiosity. Like a new game or puzzle. Fun and interesting un
til you had the thing figured out.

  “Han, what’s wrong?”

  “This just feels like a lot of pressure. I mean, he could have anyone. What if when we do go there, it isn’t good? What if I don’t do something right?” I spoke my thoughts out loud, fearing by doing so, it made them more likely to come true.

  “When you guys get there, it will be great. I promise, you won’t do anything wrong.”

  I loved Camryn. Something about her always made me feel at ease. The nerves that had started to build in my stomach, began to loosen.

  “You think?”

  She smiled sweetly, “I am positive. Savanah it will be just fine.”

  I smiled at her. “I am so glad you are my friend.”

  She took a swig of water. “You? Dude, if you weren’t my friend, I would have stalker guy following me all the time.”

  I laughed, “Yeah but you wouldn’t know it.”

  She winked at me, “I think I would.”

  Chapter Twenty

  “Do you want to grab coffee on the way out?” Tyler asked as he shut the door to the car.

  “No, I think I’m good,” I smiled, trying to remain calm, and not to panic about our drive ahead of us.

  He adjusted the mirror and backed out of the space. “Then why do you look like a kidnap victim?”

  I tilted my head towards him, “I don’t think I look that bad.” I focused out the window, “I’m just nervous.”

  Savanah, I am not that bad of a driver. Come on, it isn’t like I haven’t driven this road a million times.”

  “It’s not your driving,” I focused on the stop light ahead of us. Watching the light turn from yellow to red.

  The car slowed and came to a stop. Tyler turned to look at me. “Savanah, if you don’t want to go, just tell me.”

  “I want to go; I love spending time with you,” I looked over at him. “I’m just nervous.”

  “You’ve said that.” The light turned green, and I could escape his gaze.

  “Well, I just worry. I mean, what if I am not ready?”

  He furrowed his brow. “What?”

  “I sound like such a dork. I just don’t know – I just feel really self-conscious.”