by Lina Langley
He looked at the empty seat next to him, then closed his eyes. He wondered if he would be dealing with this any better if Rocky was with him, but he shook his head. He had tried his best not to think about Rocky. It hadn’t really worked, since Rocky was the first thing he thought about in the morning and when he went to sleep, but at least it had gone from longing to anger.
He understood that Knight needed to work through a lot, but fuck, he didn’t have to leave Sean like that.
That hadn’t just been selfish, it had been cruel.
Sean had desperately needed him and Knight had dumped him out of his own guilt. Sean sort of got it, but even if he understood, he hadn’t managed to forgive him.
He didn’t think he would ever forgive him. It didn’t matter, anyway, because Rocky hadn’t asked for his forgiveness. He hadn’t communicated with him at all.
Every now and then, Sean knew that Rocky asked after him because Don would mention it as a passing comment. Don had listened to Sean bitch and rant about his brother without ever complaining or contradicting him and Sean wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about that.
Relieved, maybe. He was certainly grateful that Don was his friend.
It didn’t make things easier, but at least he felt a little less alone. Don had offered to go back home with him, but Sean had been relying on his best friend a little too long, and he needed to tackle this by himself.
It was clear he was going to get used to being alone. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after a while.
***
By the time he got to the house, it was night time and past Ellie’s bedtime. He barely greeted the staff as he went to his father’s bedroom. He had to take a few deep breaths before he knocked on his dad’s door, but he managed to do so, and the door was ajar.
When he stepped inside, he had to stop himself from gasping. His father was sitting on the bed. He looked like he had lost weight and he his clothes were hanging off him. Sean had never seen him like that—his father had always been impressive and imposing.
“Sean,” his dad said, setting his gaze on Sean’s face. “Come in.”
“Hi,” Sean said.
“Close the door behind you.”
Sean did as he was told. He walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it. He reached out and grabbed his dad’s hand, something he wouldn’t have even thought about doing before. When he spoke, his voice was trembling. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“There was nothing to tell you,” his father replied. “Everything was under control.”
“It’s not under control, Dad,” he said. “It’s clearly not under control.”
“Well, it’s not under control right now, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t use to be.”
Sean shook his head. “How long have you known for?”
“A few months. The doctors were hopeful, but now they are not as hopeful anymore.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
His father shook his head. “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.”
“I need to know you’re sick. That seems like important information, like something you should tell your only son.”
“I agree. I thought about telling you.”
Sean waited.
“It seemed like it was going to be okay. I didn’t want to burden you.”
“I should have been here, Dad,” he said. “I should have been helping look after you.”
“No. No, after what happened, your first priority should have been yourself,” his father said. “And I’m glad it was, for a little while. I was hoping that, at the least, my illness would allow you that freedom.”
“How bad is it?”
His father looked away from them. “The doctors don’t know if I’ll recover. They don’t think so.”
“Dad—”
“it’s okay, son. I am not scared. I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about your little sister,” he said. “You’re a good man, and I trust that you’ll be okay, but she’s a kid. I don’t know what her life will be like if I’m not there.”
“You don’t have to worry about Ellie, Dad,” Sean said. “You know that I’m always going to look after her.”
“I know that,” he said. “But her mother is a complicating factor, and since we’re still married, there are a lot of things that need to be taken care of.”
Sean didn’t want to tell him that he was certain Yvonne wasn’t interested in the slightest in her own daughter. “You’re going to be okay, I know you are. But, in case you aren’t, promise you that I will be the one to take custody of her.”
“It’s a lot of responsibility.”
“I know, but she’s my sister, and I love her,” Sean said. “If there is one thing I learned last summer, it’s that this is what I wanted for my life. I want a family, I want kids. I know that the summer didn’t end well, but I’m really good at this, Dad. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at.”
“It’s different when it’s your own kids.”
“I know, I think that’s true,” Sean said. “And I get it, too. I just don’t think it’s ever going to happen for me.”
“I’m sure it will,” he said. “I’m only sorry I might not be here to see it.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Sean replied, trying to ignore the growing lump in his throat. “We just need to focus on getting you better.”
His father smiled at him, then moved his hand so that he could hold Sean’s. “Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate you being here.”
Sean swallowed. “Of course,” he said. “Where else would I be?”
CHAPTEER FOURTEEN
Rocky Knight realized just how silly his idea was the moment he pulled up to the mansion, his dog in the passenger seat. He didn’t have clearance anymore and it wasn’t like the Connors were the type of family he could just visit.
He hadn’t asked for authorization or anything of the sort. He had been reckless, driven more than ten hours, and never, once, had he thought about calling to see if he was welcome.
He parked right outside the mansion and took his phone out of his pocket. He was about to call in, but the gates opened. They clearly knew who he was.
He didn’t know whether to feel relieved or angry as he drove into the mansion. He looked up at the house. It looked bigger than it had before. He parked right in front of the mansion, took the car out of gear and stroked his dog.
“This is where I used to live, Rufus,” he said.
Rufus barked.
“Well, no,” Rocky said. “I used to live behind the main house. I could never afford a place like this.”
Rufus’ tail wagged. Rocky sighed, stroking the top of Rufus’ head. He loved his dog, but he remembered when he used to speak to people in his car, and he couldn’t help but wish that Sean was there, next to him.
He sighed. He was being selfish. He understood that Sean couldn’t be with him—that he had made it that way by virtue of his very own actions. He was seeking comfort for himself, when the person who should have been seeking comfort in the first place should have been Sean Connor.
He steeled himself to go in. He wanted to talk to President Connor. For a second, he wondered who would have leaked the news, but it didn’t take him long to settle on a horrifying and sad conclusion.
President Connor probably looked sick. The paparazzi would have followed him until they found him entering a clinic or fainting somewhere, and that would have been all the proof they needed to print that he was sick. The bigger publications would be sniffing around, but until President Connor came out with an official diagnosis, they would say nothing about it.
The very idea of it made his stomach churn. The Connors deserved privacy, especially during what was sure to be a difficult time. He wondered if he was going to be another one of those intrusions, but he managed to shake the thought away.
He had lived there. He didn’t anymore, and he certainly didn’t have permission to be there, but this family had become part of
the fabric of his life. He wasn’t owed anything, but he felt guilty about having abandoned them.
There was a split second where he thought about turning around and driving back to his coastal apartment. But then the door opened.
He was expecting to see a member of staff, but the person at the door was no other than Sean Connor.
He looked different than he had last time Knight had seen him. His clothes looked too big for his body and there were dark bags under his eyes. He had finished growing into his features, it seemed like, even from where Rocky was sitting.
He seemed to have gotten taller, too, even though Rocky knew that it was technically impossible. Rocky sighed. He didn’t have anything prepared. He hadn’t thought, at all, about how he was going to approach this situation.
“C’mon, Rufus,” he said.
He got out of the car, then walked around to get his dog out.
Rufus followed him. He wasn’t on a leash, but he didn’t have to be. He was a well-trained and polite dog.
Sean’s gaze darted between Rocky’s face and his dog. If Rocky didn’t know better, he would have thought that Sean was about to crack a smile.
“I saw your car,” Sean said as Rocky began to climb the stairs.
Rocky looked up at him. He was on top of the stairs, so even though he was definitely shorter than Rocky, he was towering over him right then and there. “How did you know it was my car?”
“You told me you were going to get a German car if you ever got out of the service,” Sean said.
Rocky closed his eyes. He didn’t remember saying anything like that,. He remembered Sean in the morning, the way his face looked when his mouth was relaxed, when his eyes were closed, when he was breathing deeply. He could remember when Sean laughed, when he tilted his head back, when Knight could see all of his beautiful teeth.
He looked away from Sean. Really, he shouldn’t have been thinking about any of that right then.
Sean walked down the steps. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard about your father.”
Sean looked him up and down. “Did Don tell you?”
“No,” he said. “From the news.”
Sean looked away from him. Rocky wanted to reach out and wrap his arms around Sean, but he couldn’t do anything. “So they know?”
“It’s just gossip right now,” Rocky said. “But I think it’ll be confirmed soon.”
Sean closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Fuck,” he said. “Of course. That’s just what I need.”
“I’m really sorry,” Rocky said.
Sean shook his head. “It’s okay,” he said. “Do you want to see my dad?”
Rocky furrowed his brow. He didn’t think the president would want to see him. He hadn’t announced himself, he had sort of just burst in and expected to be welcomed. Now he realized that had been a mistake. “I should go.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, there are probably pet friendly hotels around here.”
“Take the guest house. Nobody has lived in it since you left.”
Rocky stared at him. “You would let me do that?”
“You’re already here, and…” He trailed off. Rocky wanted to press him on it, but he didn’t. He stood there, waiting for him to say anything else. Sean didn’t. He smiled at him. “We need all the help we can get. I need all the help I can get.”
Rocky nodded. He couldn’t be sure, but that sounded like a dig. If it was, he deserved it. Sean turned around, then looked at him over his shoulder. “Nice dog, Agent Knight.”
“Thank you,” Rocky said. “His name is Rufus.”
“Original.”
Rocky watched him. He walked into the house, leaving the door open for him.
Rocky turned to Rufus. “Come on, boy,” he said. “Let’s go.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Sean’s head was spinning. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about everything that had happened, but it was as if his brain hadn’t caught up. He walked around the house, a bit like a zombie, ignoring everyone around him.
He couldn’t believe that Rocky Knight had decided to come back. But of course it made sense, because it wasn’t about Sean, it was about his father. Agent Rocky Knight had always been like family to the Connors. It wasn’t until everything had happened that Rocky Knight had decided to disengage himself.
Sean sort of got it. He had put everything on the line for Sean, and then things had gone wrong. He hadn’t been indicted for treason, but he certainly couldn’t be in the secret service anymore. Nobody would trust him. And maybe it was for good reason. People in the secret service should probably not sleep with the people they were in charge of, because then they would leave, and when they did, things would be hard.
Sean closed the door of the bedroom behind him, quite aware that he was thinking only of himself. There was nobody else in his situation. He had taken a risk, and it hadn’t paid off. Logan was in jail now, he was probably going to spend the rest of his life there, and Sean knew that he should feel safe. But he was never going to feel safe as long as Rocky Knight wasn’t around him.
He knew that wasn’t reasonable. He knew it was something he shouldn’t put on agent Rocky Knight, but he couldn’t help himself. He remembered just how safe and warm he had felt in his arms after Rocky had rescued him. He remembered how real things had been when they were looking after his little sister, and now he was going to have to do it all alone. And there was no way to get Rocky back. Rocky had abandoned him for good, and there was nothing Sean could do about it. He could beg, he thought for a second, but he knew better than begging.
That never led anywhere, and in any case, he’d already been replaced by a dog. He laughed at that, the bitter irony of it, the fact that Rocky was clearly lonely but would rather be with an animal companion than someone who was desperately, terribly, annoyingly in love with him.
There were tears in his eyes when he thought about it. He didn’t want to cry about it anymore, and some days, he felt like he wouldn’t. He felt like maybe he was over, for sure over, and he would move on to someone else, to something else. But that wasn’t what was in the cards for him. He had been brought back home, rudely, by destiny. And then destiny had punched him in the face by dropping Special Agent Rocky Knight at his feet, when he was so close to forgetting.
There were other things he had to worry about. More important things. Things like looking after his sister, things like supporting his father all while they both tried their hand at pretending that neither one of them knew that his death was certain and close. He had to worry about his family, about what was going to happen to Ellie.
He had to worry about everything but fucking Special Agent Rocky Knight.
He thought about that as he wiped the tears away from his eyes. That was when he heard a knock at his door. He thought, for a second, that it might be Ellie, but she was at school.
He swallowed. He knew who was at the door, and he didn’t know if he wanted to talk to him. “Come in,” he said.
The moment the door began to creak, he knew he should have told Knight to go away.
He didn’t want to see him.
Rocky Knight stood at the threshold, looking down at him. “I just came to apologize,” he said. “And to say good-bye.”
Sean raised his eyebrows. “You’re very good at saying good-bye.”
He watched Knight tighten his jaw. He didn’t start walking away, which Sean found somewhat surprising. Maybe this was his chance to unleash all his anger on Knight, finally, and he felt the way it was burning up his body.
He felt sick with it. He had felt sick with it for months. He didn’t think he was going to get to see Rocky Knight again, but now that he was right in front of him, he would’ve been an idiot to miss the opportunity.
He turned to look at him. “Aren’t you going?”
Rocky nodded. “Yeah. I’m going.”
Sean looked him up and down, as if challengi
ng him. Rocky didn’t move. He stood there, like a statue.
“What are you doing here?” Sean hated that his voice was trembling when he spoke.
“I’m here because I want to apologize to you. Really apologize.”
“Okay, so apologize, and then get out,” Sean said. He knew that he sounded hardened, maybe even a bit like a dick. But Rocky deserved it. After deserting him, he deserved so much worse than that.
“I’m sorry about your father,” Rocky said.
“Thank you,” Sean said. It was definitely not an apology, and it was definitely not what he wanted, but at least Rocky was there, and he supposed that was something. He hated how happy he was that Rocky was around, he hated how much he wanted to touch him. It seemed like even the months of anger hadn’t ameliorated the effects that having Rocky around would have on his body. His heart was going a million miles an hour, his cheeks were red, and he could remember the way that Rocky smelled and tasted.
He could practically do those things from where Rocky was standing. “Can I come in?” Rocky said, motioning toward the floor.
Sean nodded. “Sure,” he replied. He should have just told him to get out, he thought about that again as Rocky took a few steps toward the bed.
“I should—I should have never left,” Rocky said.
Sean stared at him. He had to bite down on his tongue to stop himself from agreeing.
Rocky tilted his head back, and it took Sean a second to realize that it was because he needed to stop himself from crying. “Can I explain? Even if you couldn’t ever forgive me, I would like to explain why I did what I did.”
Sean watched him. He felt like he was going to faint. Then he nodded, and scooted over to make space for Rocky on the bed. Rocky smiled tenuously, then went to sit down next to him. When he sat down, his hand was only a few inches away from Sean’s own.
He took a deep breath before he started to talk. “Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I’m sorry. For not being here when your dad got sick. For running away when things were hard, too. I should have known better than that.”