by Anna White
“I needed the toilet.” She leaned down slightly to plant a kiss against my lips and I tasted myself on her. She smirked as if she knew that would happen and I flushed a little. She was kinda filthy and I loved it. “I’ll be back in less than 2 minutes.” Her words were softly spoken and I nodded as I watched her perfect naked ass waltz away from me into my en-suite. How the fuck am I suppose to let her go? I lay back against my bed and placed my hands behind my head. Somehow I had to let her go but I didn’t know how. It seemed easier to think about hurting her when she wasn’t around and I wasn’t staring into her beautiful eyes. I bit down on my lip as she entered my bedroom again, flicking the light to the ensuite off behind her. She gave me a shy smile and I let my eyes examine her again. She lay next to me and placed her leg over mine as she faced me. I turned my head towards where she was laying and smiled at her. I knew she was holding something back from me but I didn’t know what.
“You look like you want to say something?” I probed and she nodded.
“I do have something to say but I’m not going to.” I watched her eyes drop towards my chest and watched as her fingers traced around my heart against my chest. I closed my eyes softly and heard her sigh. “Why did you bring me up here when you wouldn’t even look at me in the car?” She didn’t make my eye contact and didn’t stop tracing my heart with her fingers as she asked the question. It thudded slightly harder.
“It was a shock seeing Holly.” I admitted.
“Who was she?” She questioned and in the darkness of the room I was sure I could see tears welling in her eyes. I didn’t want to tell her about her or the past or of the future I nearly had with her. I grimaced as I shook my head and watched her stop messing with my chest. I turned to face her and watched her eyes burrow into me. “Why was she with them?” Another question that I really didn’t want to answer and I shook my head again. I wished at that moment that I could have re-wound time to just 15 minutes before and watched as she leant up to look at me. “Will I end up like her?” I shook my head. Her words were saddened and I ran my fingers over her cheek.
“No you won’t Av because I won’t let that happen.” My words were strong. They didn’t reflect at all how I was feeling. “I’ve gotta leave you alone Av. We can’t do this again. It’s too risky.” I closed my eyes briefly, trying my hardest to stop the sorrow from hitting me full force and felt her lips against mine. Her breath was sweet and she placed her delicate little hand against my face.
“Can I lay like this for the rest of the night at least?” Her voice was barely a whisper and I nodded. I glanced at her eyes, they were dripping with tears and I felt as though my chest was about to split. I fucking hated seeing her cry. I was doing this to her again.
I stayed with her while she fell asleep, and shortly after. Well probably more than shortly afterwards. She looked pained in her sleep, almost tortured and I kissed her head softly before I gathered my clothes from off the floor and made my way into Jay’s room down the hall. His tired mud brown eyes looked up towards me. He glanced up and down my body and shook his head.
“Fuck sake Haz.” I threw my clothes towards him and gripped the front of my hair.
“She knows it won’t happen again and that we have to stop.” He raised his brow and ruffled the front of his hair. His room was still dimly lit by his bedside lamps and he seemed relaxed. The complete opposite to me. I placed myself down next to him and watched him glance towards the desk in the corner of his room where Rava’s bag of recreation was.
“I could do with some.” I half laughed and watched him shrug.
“I’ll do it with you if you wanna go out and forget about it all? I’m down for that?” I nudged his arm and looked across at the white powder. I shrugged and watched as he picked my shirt off the floor and handed it to me. “Get dressed. We’ll go back out.” I exhaled and did as he said. He changed from his loose black T and placed his white shirt back on. His abs were on their way to catching up with mine and I rolled my eyes. “You sure your up for this?” He questioned as he chopped the powder with his bank card and I nodded before I placed it out in a line. I pushed my head towards it and sniffed. The sharp feeling against my nose was familiar and comforting. This was what I knew. I belonged in this world. I nodded and watched Jay do his line before we left Alfie’s house.
Holt - Saturday
I pushed the memories from last night out of my head. Holly, Haz and me and what he had said before he left when I fell asleep. I flicked through the channels on his television and heard the door knock. I looked up half expecting to see Haz and was slightly disappointed when I saw a rather sweaty Mr Conway. He glanced down at the duvet that I was holding tightly against my chest and I smiled a little and patted next to me on the bed. He grinned and did as I told him to. Maybe I could get a little more out of him.
“Where did he go last night?” His eyes instantly filled with guilt and he cringed a little.
“I don’t think you’ll want to know.” My breath stopped and I felt tears prick in my eyes. He still wasn’t looking at me. “We were very high if that makes it any better.” My mouth dropped now and I felt fury burning through my veins.
“Wait, what?” He turned to face me. “You were high?” I scoffed and watched as he nodded at me. I shook my head.
“Fucking unreal you lot are.” I was shocked by my honesty and I stood from the bed. Not really giving a toss that I was practically naked in front of him. I pulled a t-shirt over my head and heard him clear his throat.
“Jesus Avaya.” His already dark eyes darkened again and as I lowered mine I threw a pillow towards him.
“No,” I pointed at him. I didn’t want to hear another word out of his mouth. I made my way towards the hallway and watched as he followed me.
“Avaya.” He called after me, his voice was full of authority and I shook my head.
“No Jay. Don’t fucking Avaya me.” I stormed towards his room which is where I knew he would more than likely be and felt his large hand stop me from going in.
“Don’t open that door.” I watched fury fill them and growled at him.
“Move out of my way.” I stood my ground with my hand on top of his on his door handle.
“I mean it Av, he’s in a really bad way.” His eyes looked sad and I shook my head.
“Please Jay,” my voice was breaking now. I needed to know what the fuck he’d done. I watched him shake his head and release his hand from mine, I opened his bedroom door to see Harry passed out next to a skimpy blonde. I was pretty sure I gasped. My heart broke in two when I saw him. I shook my head as I looked up at Jay with tears in my eyes. I pushed his chest with my finger and frowned.
“You could have stopped this,” I could barely breathe “I didn’t deserve any of this!” I almost screamed and watched his head dip.
“I’m sorry Avaya.” I shook my head. Sorry wasn’t good enough. I felt my tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I skipped down the stairs away from them. I grabbed my shoes from the front door and scrambled to place them on my feet. I didn’t care that I wasn’t wearing a bra or just a t-shirt and vans. I didn’t care that it was 3 degrees outside. I watched him follow me down the stairs.
“Avaya, at least let me drive you home.” He almost whispered and I laughed.
“Are you kidding me?” I shook my head and pulled my keys from my handbag that was in the kitchen.
“Avaya please?” I pushed past him as I exited Alfie’s house. The door slammed behind me and I jogged towards my shitty little corsa parked on their drive. My teeth chattered as I started the engine and drove home. Tears dripped down my cheeks quicker than I could stop them. Salty ugly tears that didn’t stop.
I didn’t move from my bed. I was heavy, everything ached and I knew last night I’d be upset today but I wasn’t expecting to see that. I pushed the thought of him with someone else out of my head as the feeling of being punched in the chest returned. My phone beeped and I shook my head as I read it.
Haz: I’m so so
rry
Me: I didn’t think you’d be so inhumane… Maybe you really are what you said you were.
I pressed the send button on my screen and wiped away my tears as I climbed from my bed. My mum was stood in the kitchen leant over the sink with a peeler in her hand. A million potatoes in the sink and I felt my throat constrict.
“Make yourself useful? Sue and Lucy are coming to dinner… I was convinced you wouldn’t be here? Do you mind helping?” I shook my head and gently took the peeler out of her hands. She looked at me and shook her head before she tilted her head.
“Why have you been crying?” Her voice was soft and I shook my head. I couldn’t talk about it. I didn’t want to talk about him. I felt tears threaten again and swallowed my sob as I peeled my first potato.
“I can’t,” I began to speak before my voice broke, my mum simply squeezed my shoulder softly and nodded. I didn’t cry. I had cried more knowing him than I ever had in my life. I closed my eyes slightly and watched her walk from the kitchen. I was left alone again and peeled the mountains of potatoes in our tiny kitchen.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and without looking I placed it to my ear.
“What?” I snapped.
“Av?” Nancy’s voice was a blessing to hear. I didn’t say a word for a short moment and I opened my mouth once more. “When do we go away?” I didn’t want to stay around here and I knew we’d got flights booked from months before. The end of the phone falls quiet.
“I’m glad you mentioned that, I completely forgot it was Soph who brought it up, it’s literally in like a week or so…” I nodded with relief and let out a sigh. “Anyway mum said she’s coming around to yours for dinner with your mum? Shall I come around?” I smiled to myself and nodded.
“I’d really like that.”
“Fab, see you soon love you” She placed the phone down quickly and I ran my hands over my legs. I placed my head in my hands and took a breath. I placed my phone down next to me on the sofa, a wave of nausea rushed through me. I was going to have to point blank lie to my best friend in the entire world over a fucking man. I frowned deeply and looked up from my hands to see my mum was kneeling down in front of me.
“Are you ready to tell me what’s happened?” Her tone was soft as I shook my head.
“No.” I grimaced and watched her frown deeply.
“Have they hurt you?” She threw yet another question at me and I shook my head.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Her eyes narrowed as she stood up.
“I’ll be having words with him.” The words that left her mouth were certain and I scoffed back my laugh.
“Really? Do you really think a talking to from his PA is going to help?” I wanted to scream that she had no idea who any of them really were. That they faced worse than her wrath probably more than twice a day. I watched her flinch at my words and she stood taller.
“Enough Avaya!” She almost snarled at me and I gulped before I shook my head. I hadn’t heard her snap like that in forever. Not to me. She’d always been more than understanding.
Safe to say the atmosphere in the house could have been cut with a knife. Sue and Lucy arrived not long after 2pm with Nancy in tow. I pushed my food around the plate as they chatted over dinner.
“Shall we go out?” Nance leant into me and I nodded. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I stood from the table and watched as Nancy smiled and excused herself. I placed my camo coloured puffy coat over my shoulders as we left my tiny 2 bedroom home.
“Mum and I have had a tiff…” I sighed and braced myself for yet more tears.
“I thought something was off?” Her blue eyes traced over my face and I gulped before we started to walk towards the beach. “You seem odd Av?” She wasn't pressing and I knew this but I needed to tell somebody.
“Haz slept with somebody last night,” my chest nearly collapsed as I said the words and watched her shake her head “I don’t think I’ll be seeing them again.”
“What a fucking idiot…” Our feet hit the beach the freezing November wind almost took my breath. “Jay did the same thing though, some bird called Hazel.” I watched her roll her eyes and smiled a little.
“Both wankers.” I stated as I sat next to her on the sand. It was bloody cold. I placed my head against her shoulder and heard her sigh. The sound of the waves crashing against the sand made me feel at peace.
“I don’t mean to poke my nose in but did you shag him?” I scoffed at her words and instantly tried not to blush red. There was a playful look spreading across her face and I shook my head.
“No. No I didn’t.” She threw her hands to cover her mouth.
“Oh my God you fucking did!” My eyes widened as I pushed her shoulder. I didn’t want to be reminded of him.
“Nance please just give it up.” She was grinning now. She seemed excited that I’d finally lost my V card.
“Did it hurt?” I winced at the memory of him over me and gulped away my tears. “Sorry I’ll stop.” She placed her head against my shoulder and I touched her face with my cold hand. “Kinda gutted that you lost it to such a twat.” I shrugged.
“Yeah me too.” She pulled my hand as she stood up and wiped the remnants of sand off her arse.
“C’mon we better get going busy week ahead.” I too followed her lead and wiped away the sand. It felt good to let somebody else know what had happened between us.
“Do you think he feels bad?” I questioned her. She didn’t answer for a while and I watched as she walked. Her short red hair shifting from side to side.
“Who knows how any of them really feel?” Her answer was an honest one at least though not the one I’d been holding out for. I held my hands in my pockets and continued to walk along the beachfront. The silence with her wasn’t awkward it never had been and part of me thanked her for it.
“Hey d’you think Soph is gonna cope with being apart from Callum for a week?” She laughed as the words left her mouth and I too chuckled with her.
“Probably not. She’ll be like a lost little puppy I think.” I rolled my eyes as we arrived back on the concrete pavements a short walk away from my house.
Holt- December 14th
Placing my passport on the desk I forced a smile at the neatly dressed blonde woman sat behind the check in desk.
“You know this holiday is gonna be epic…” Soph was grinning in my direction. I hoped it would be. I needed it after the last week or so.
“It will be when we get there.” Nance was now handing over her passport. Surprisingly check in was a quick process. I smiled as I threw my hand luggage over my shoulder and felt Nance grip my arm. Soph was wandering around customs spraying every perfume imaginable. I chuckled to myself as I rubbed my tired eyes. “Tired Av?” Nance teased and I nodded, glancing down at my watch.
“Yup it's only just gone 4am.” I continued to watch Soph admiring the designer sunglasses and rolled my eyes. “How the hell is she that happy this early in the morning?” I groaned and continued to walk through the surprisingly busy airport terminal. Soph joined us when she realised we weren’t all that bothered about shopping. I glanced out the window of the airport at the planes waiting for boarding and squeezed her arm softly before I took my phone from my bag. My chest dropped when there was still nothing from him. He’d not attempted to call. Not once.
“Still nothing from him?” Her face looked sad as she placed her hood up over her messy red bun. She had no makeup on and looked as fresh as a daisy. I couldn’t say the same for me. I shook my head in response to her question.
“No,” I held back the tears that were threatening “Chloe text to see how I was,” my voice trailed off and I looked back at my phone.
“And?” I felt the warmth of her hand against my shoulder and I closed my eyes briefly.
“I didn’t reply. I can’t Nance.” My voice was cracking as I spoke. She cuddled me slightly tighter and I glanced down at my lap. I felt empty and betrayed and Chloe didn’t know my reasons for disappearing
. Every attempt she’d made to talk to me I’d ignored. It hurt to talk to her, it killed me to be reminded of him. I gulped down the sad feeling rising in my chest and shook my head. The tannoy boomed over our heads, our flight was delayed. I watched as Soph groaned and threw her head back.
“This is gonna be a really fucking long day…” I couldn’t help but smile at her brutal admission. It had been a brutal 2 weeks.
Sand rubbed between my toes as I flipped on my back. The Tenerife sun was warm. So much warmer than back at home. It was a tiny piece of heaven. I needed this. I yawned and placed my hand over my forehead. It began to pound and it was probably something to do with the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed last night. I didn’t remember getting back to the room. I chuckled at the memory heard Nance and Soph laughing. Soph’s cackle resonated across the beach and I opened my eyes to see a ball coming my way. I caught it and threw it back before I peeked over the top of my sunglasses.
“What’s a girl gotta do to catch some sun around here?!” I shouted towards them and watched them stand with their hands on their hips.
“You coming for a game!?” The crystal white sands were hot against my feet and though sweaty they were smiling and I desperately wanted to smile like that again. I nodded and jogged towards where they stood. I watched Nance throw the ball towards Soph who smacked it back over the net towards her. I chuckled as I watched her scramble to hit it.
Beads of sweat were dripping off my face and ran down my chest. I held my knees as I caught my breath.
“I can’t play anymore.” I threw my hands in surrender and watched as Soph grinned at me.
“You hate the heat don’t you?” She placed her hand over my back and grimaced as she wiped away the sweat.
“I’m not the biggest fan.” I chuckled as she glanced at my face. She was giving me that pity look at I smiled awkwardly. I hadn’t really told her to what extent he’d upset me only Nance knew that. I wanted to keep it that way, but she knew and I pulled her in for a hug. Nance had grabbed our bags and was walking towards us carrying them. She pulled out her phone and clapped her hands together as she threw my backpack at me.