The Arch-Wizard’s Little Sister

by Natsume Akatsuki

  So we argued and I sprinkled. The herbicide worked a lot faster than I expected, and finally. . .

  “Ugh, I think I’m gonna throw up. Even though there’s nothing in my stomach. . . Even though I don’t have a stomach. . . I feel awful. . .”

  The Leisure Queen, having absorbed ample herbicide, lolled back and forth, her eyes unfocused. She was pale and unsteady, as if she were very, very drunk.

  “All right, guys, now’s our chance. Help me spread this plant killer!” I was gleefully tossing the stuff around, but everyone else stared at me in horror. “H-hey, stop that. Everything I said was true. I mean, this thing didn’t lie, either, but she wasn’t exactly right. Look, even I wouldn’t get hot over a monster’s chest.”

  Riiiiing.

  The girls appeared even more horrified than before.

  “Heh-heh-heh.” The Leisure Queen still obviously wasn’t feeling well, but she managed a triumphant chuckle. “How about that, you damnable adventurer? For the rest of your life, you’ll be marked as the man who was aroused by a monster! That’s what you get for spreading this disgusting crap on me—see you in hell, you stupid virgin!”

  I guess the Leisure Queen had reverted to her true colors.

  “Drunk on herbicide, huh? Well, if you see me in hell, it’s because you’re going there first!”

  I stalked over to the creature with the bottle in my hand, causing the monster to start rambling desperately. “Aren’t you embarrassed, beating me with strength just because you couldn’t out-talk me? I see you—you’re beet red! Earlier, you wouldn’t shut up about what a great adventurer you are, but isn’t it humiliating to be a virgin if you’re so damn great?! You have three females around you, and not one of them has popped your cherry yet—adventuring companions? Looks like you’re the only one who thinks so. I’d say they barely consider you more than an acquaintance, you—”

  Before the creature could go any further, I dumped the herbicide right in front of her.

  “Ugh! Gross! Dammit, you filthy virgin! My roots extend all through this forest! It would take decades to uproot all of them! You think you can destroy me in the space of your piddling life span? I don’t think it’d be worth whatever you got out of it, but hey, go ahead and try!”

  To the bitter end, the Leisure Queen insisted on leaving a scar on my heart.

  7

  “That must have been quite a challenge, Mr. Satou. Excellent work defeating the Leisure Queen!”

  “You’re telling me—it was awful! It was the worst!” We had come back to Axel and immediately reported to Luna. Beside me, Aqua was crying her eyes out and had been for some time. “That Leisure Queen was soooooo scary; I don’t want to go anywhere near that forest ever again. . .”

  Once the tables had been decisively turned, the Leisure Queen had let it all hang out, enacting her wrath on everyone there.

  “Listen, Kazuma. . . Am I, you know, sort of a wallflower? Do I not seem to really be here? Now that I think about it, I feel like this sort of thing happens a lot. . . Take yesterday. Aqua and Megumin did all the work. And then today, you took out the Leisure Queen by yourself. Am I really a third wheel, like she said? Is she right that you could bring an Adamanmoise along instead of me and get pretty much the same result?”

  Darkness, thoroughly depressed, looked like she was hardly staying on her feet. I guess the stuff the plant said had really gotten to her.

  “My name is Megumin, greatest genius of the Crimson Magic Clan and first among the spell-casters of Axel Town. Worry not; I am strong, I am amazing, I am certainly not some castoff of the Crimson Magic Clan. One need not lend an ear to anything a monster says, least of all such remarks as that one is merely pretending to be a tough, lone-wolf wizard because one is unable to make any friends. It’s okay—I have friends right here, precious adventuring companions. Nothing to worry about, nothing at all. . .”

  I looked over at Megumin, who had been mumbling to herself for a while, and saw the Leisure Queen had hurt her more deeply than I’d realized at first.

  “I knew you could do it, Mr. Satou! You know all about this Leisure Queen now, right? Every adventurer who went to destroy her came back saying they wouldn’t lay a finger on her! Sure, enough people say she’s harmless that the reward is minimal. . . But the Adventurers Guild can’t have a monster living near town; it’s bad for our reputation! I only asked you to investigate the matter, but you went right ahead and destroyed her. Thank you so much for your help!”

  Notwithstanding the profound scars on our hearts, Luna had a bright smile on her face. Beside her, Komekko was looking at us with eyes full of respect.

  . . .And that was when I realized something.

  “I only took out her torso, really. You’ll have to get someone else to take care of all the roots she put down in that forest. By the way, maybe I can take this opportunity to ask you something. Why were you so sure I could defeat this Leisure Queen?”

  The woman across from me froze.

  It wasn’t actually difficult to defeat a Leisure Queen; they couldn’t move. Anyone who wanted to could do it. The only real danger was that one would leave you with a prickling conscience.

  “Don’t tell me. . . It wouldn’t happen to be because you assumed I was the sort of fiend who would happily destroy even a Leisure Queen, was it?”

  Luna didn’t answer, just handed us the pouch with the reward. “Well then, Mr. Satou, excellent work today! See you later, Komekko, sweetheart! Come back tomorrow!”

  “Hang on a damn minute! We aren’t done! I’m never bringing Komekko back here again—heck, I’m never coming back here again! I’ve already done plenty of work, and now I’ve done the hardest quest from the leftovers, too! What else could you possibly want from me?”

  The woman listened to me rant for a second, then said, “Tomorrow we’ll have a nice, big cake for you, okay?”

  “Okay!”

  She had stopped even trying to hide how ruthlessly she was using Komekko against us.

  8

  We wrapped things up at the Adventurers Guild, then went home, where we had a good, hard rest to heal the brutal damage to our spirits. Aqua and Darkness, for their part, went out to the chicken coop to be healed by Emperor Zel.

  “Komekko, come here,” Megumin said. “I want to talk to you.” She was sitting on the sofa across from where I was sprawled out; she had recovered a bit quicker than the rest of us. She patted the spot next to her invitingly.

  “I dunno why, but I feel like you’re gonna get mad, Sis, so I don’t think so.”

  “Komekko!” I guess Megumin’s little sister was pretty perceptive, but anyway, Megumin went on. “Listen, okay? I have told you many times not to take food from strangers. And as far as the events of yesterday and today, it doesn’t befit a member of the Crimson Magic Clan to let themselves be used as bait so easily. . .”

  Megumin, who had begged us for food when we first met, claiming she didn’t have anything to eat, apparently had an entire lecture in store.

  “Back at the village, you told me to hit people up for food when I saw them, Sis.”

  “Hey. . .,” I quipped almost involuntarily, but Megumin wouldn’t look at me.

  “That was then; this is now. The village is so small that there really aren’t any strangers. But in a town like this, you mustn’t accept food from people you don’t know. You have no idea what price they may ask later.”

  “Don’t care,” Komekko said without missing a beat.

  “Komekko! You should care! They may tempt you with food, but what will they do to you after that? I’m saying this for your own good—you seem so likely to simply follow after anyone with a treat in their hand.”

  “Of course I would, and then they could raise me,” Komekko said blithely.

  Megumin pounded the table. “Don’t be an idiot! Listen to what I’m saying!”

  “Sis, you have an anger problem.”

  Megumin jumped to her feet, which sent Komekko scuttling out of the room. �
��Stop right there, Komekko; you can’t run from me! Today I’ll make sure you finally listen to me!”

  Komekko had gone running. . .directly into the mansion’s kitchen. We heard a click that suggested she had locked the door from the inside.

  “Come out this instant, Komekko! Or you won’t get any dinner tonight!”

  “I’ll come out when all the food in here is gone.”

  Huh, so she hadn’t run in there by accident.

  “Komekko, quit your foolish joking! Anyway, if you don’t open that door, the rest of us won’t be able to eat dinner. It’s almost time to start getting the meal ready, so hurry and open up. . . Komekko, what are you eating in there?! Don’t be so selfish—come out! Come out, or I’ll break down this door!”

  “Don’t smash my door because of a little sibling rivalry,” I said, coming up behind Megumin. But if I let the kid stay in there, we would never get to eat.

  “Yes, but, Kazuma. . . This is the time at which to discipline her properly, lest we regret it later. It will not do to try to tame her after it is already too late.”

  If I remembered correctly, the Axis priest Cecily had told me Megumin had obediently followed her out of sheer hunger the first time they had met.

  “Not very convincing coming from you—speaking of already too late. . .”

  “Hey! If you’re picking a fight with me, you shall have it!”

  “Knock ’er dead, Big Bro!”

  “Komekko! It is below the belt to throw out taunts while locked up in another room! Come on out here already!”

  I really couldn’t tell whether these two sisters were the best of friends or the worst.

  . . .Well, maybe it’s being close that makes sibling rivalry possible.

  “I found a big ol’ chocolate in the cupboard!” we heard Komekko exclaim from the kitchen.

  The blood drained from Megumin’s face. “Komekko?! You must not eat that. I specially prepared it for— Fine, Komekko, all right! I won’t be angry anymore. Just please come out! Let’s all be friends again!”

  Ah, loving sisterly conversation.

  “I’m gonna eat this. I’ll come out after.”

  “Komekkooooo!”

  I was reminded of how great it seemed to have a sister.

  Chapter 5

  Back to Basics with These Adventurers!

  1

  The next day. . .

  “Komekko! Where is Komekko?!”

  I could hear Megumin running around and shouting about something. First thing in the morning, too.

  “What’s wrong with you, being that loud this early?”

  Since the kid had shown up, I’d gotten in the habit of being an early riser myself. I guess Komekko was partly there as an informant for Megumin’s parents, so I couldn’t afford to look like too much of a slob.

  “Kazuma, good morning. I am looking for Komekko. It seems she couldn’t wait for breakfast—she had her way with the kitchen and then disappeared somewhere.”

  “Geez, your sister is no joke.”

  Maybe that was what happened when you were raised by an older sister who specialized in crawfish dishes.

  “I must say, I do not recall raising such a wild child. Where does she get it?”

  I wanted to point out that Megumin was the only possible influence, but I bit my tongue. “Eh, she’s never been outside the village—maybe she’s curious about Axel? I bet she’s just taking a walk around the neighborhood. She’ll be back before you know it.”

  “True, I remember when I first came to this town and how easily distracted I was. . .” Megumin didn’t sound very convinced, though.

  If this town had nothing else going for it, at least public safety was decent. Even a little girl walking around by herself would probably be fine. So we decided to have breakfast before anything else.

  “Hey, Megumin, what happened to Komekko? She beat me at our board game last night, and I want to get some revenge.” Aqua came in with a game under her arm, like a kid looking for someone to play with.

  “You lost to a little girl? Not sure that says much for your qualifications as a grown-up.”

  Aqua had become fast friends with Komekko over the last couple of days. They seemed to get along really well; maybe it was because they were mentally about the same age.

  “You’re so dumb, Kazuma; don’t you know the word handicap? I went too easy on her because she was a kid, and that’s why I lost. I played without my Adventurer, which is the weakest piece.”

  “So you basically played without a handicap.” Darkness, who had shown a surprising soft spot for children since Komekko’s arrival, had also gotten close to the little tyke. “Still, I’m surprised she’s not back yet. Maybe she’s playing with some other kids at the park or something—or maybe the Guild tempted her with treats again?”

  “Highly plausible. At least the part about the Guild—that girl doesn’t get along much with other children her own age. Come to think of it, didn’t the woman at the Guild say they would have a cake for her today?”

  It was kind of terrifying to realize that pint-size girl was spending her days hanging out in a den of scum and villainy like our Adventurers Guild. Normally, if you were a little girl in a strange town, you’d think you wouldn’t leave your big sister’s side, but Komekko seemed like she had well and truly left the nest already. I was starting to get the feeling she was going to be an even bigger deal than Megumin in the future.

  Darkness chimed in. “Well, I think the Guild pretty much mopped up all the unwanted quests, so maybe this time they’re thanking Komekko for helping to motivate all the adventurers. She at least has the right to ask for some sweets.”

  Like she said, apparently not a lot of quests had been getting done in Axel lately. So maybe this was all for the best. Though I had to admit, I had the distinct feeling that once Komekko was gone, things would quickly go back to normal. . .

  “Well then, seeing as we have had breakfast, perhaps we should go to the Guild as well,” Megumin said. Her little sister may have left the nest, but Megumin seemed desperate to drag her back in.

  When we arrived at the Adventurers Guild, we were met with the strangest sight.

  “Here, don’t you want one of these? I made them myself!”

  Komekko was there, sure enough. But solicitously feeding her were the succubus escorts.

  “Here, sweetheart, have some more of these.”

  “Thanks a lot!”

  I had no idea what the ladies were doing here, but Komekko was more than happy to eat the treats they offered her. I beckoned over one of the girls I recognized and whispered, “You’re from, y’know, the place, right? You know this is the Adventurers Guild? It’s dangerous for you here.”

  “My, if it isn’t one of our best customers. Thank you, but we know what we are and we know very well how dangerous this place is.” Then she smiled fondly at Komekko, who was stuffing her face with sweets. “But somehow, for the life of us, we just can’t leave that girl alone. I think she must have an incredible talent for controlling demons. She’ll be big, big, big in the future; I’m sure of it. . . Now’s the perfect time to suck up a little. . .”

  Weird. I looked at Komekko. It was true—the succubi doting on her had unusual looks in their eyes.

  What’s with this sense of defeat?

  Aqua was half-hidden behind a post, staring fixedly at the succubi. There had actually been an incident when Aqua had discovered the existence of a shop run by succubi. She had been on the warpath to exterminate them, and I had ended up completely exploding at her. I guess the experience had traumatized her so badly that even now, she couldn’t bring herself to do anything to them. I might also have informed her in no uncertain terms that if she exorcised the succubi, every male adventurer in town would be out for her blood. So I didn’t think anything really bad would happen, but. . .

  “Er, I see Lady Aqua is here as well. I think we’ll be going now.”

  “Give our regards to Lady Aqua and Lord Vanir, sir! A
ll right, Komekko, dear, we’ll see you later, okay?”

  The succubi kept glancing uneasily in Aqua’s direction. With several backward glances at Komekko, the ladies made their way out of the Guild.

  “. . .So, Kazuma,” Darkness said. “What exactly is your relationship with those people? I never knew you had such beautiful friends. . .”

  “They run a café that has nothing but beautiful people,” Megumin said. “The food is pretty mediocre, and I’ve always wondered why it seems so popular. What in the world would they want with my little sister?”

  The adventurers remained deferential to Megumin today.

  “G’day, Megumin!”

  “Not much to do today, eh, Megumin? We’ve pretty much cleaned up all the quests over the last couple of days.”

  All the adventurers had become more than accustomed to speaking politely to her.

  “I see, I see. In that case, perhaps we won’t be ambushed by any more difficult quests. Everyone has been exerting themselves so much these past few days. I’ve been so worried about you all.” Megumin smiled in relief at the other adventurers.

  Komekko, imitating her expression, said, “Sis, the adventurers in this town were awesome.”

  “Oh, I very much agree. I wouldn’t live in a town without awesome adventurers.”

  All the sisters’ listeners looked away shyly. But they were unmistakably pleased.

  “Blue-Haired Sis was awesome, too!”

  “I agree again. I wouldn’t have a companion who isn’t awesome, after all. She was able to purify a ghost who had been in this world for much too long. She might not show it at every moment, but I think Aqua is distinctly underrated.”

  All of this went directly to Aqua’s head, and she stood there grinning.

  “Big Bro was awesome, too, wasn’t he?”

  “Well, he is my party leader. He could hardly not be awesome. . . Though I’m not completely sure his methods constitute real victory. . .”

  Hang on, was she taking a shot at my exemplary defeat of the Leisure Queen?