To Love A Friend

by Jana David

Allie

  My first day was everything I had ever hoped and feared it would be. Overwhelming, exciting, but above all, scary.

  In the morning, I ate a hearty breakfast, courtesy of Ian, washed down with some tea prepared by Sam. I could really get used to the service in this house. Darcy showed his sleepy face a few minutes after everyone had sat down to eat.

  “Morning, people”, he mumbled. He'd never been a morning person.

  “There's coffee”, Sam told him.

  “Great. Just what I need.”

  While he was pouring himself a cup, Darcy asked me, “Ready for your big day?”

  I just groaned and covered my face with my hands. “Not really.”

  “You'll be fine. Besides, the first few days are the easiest”, Sam said. “Wait till classes start.” He stuck his tongue out at me as I made a face at him.

  “Way to boost her confidence”, Ian interjected. “You could've just wished her good luck and told her everything was going to be fine.”

  “Good luck, everything is going to be fine”, Sam echoed.

  “Well, now it's too late”, Darcy said. “You already have her terrified.” He patted me on the back as he sat down next to me. “Don't worry, you'll be fine.” He offered me a smile.

  “Thanks”, I said, smiling back. “But Sam totally ruined it for me now.”

  Everybody laughed, with the exception of Sam, who just shook his head and mumbled, “Whatever...”

  Ian drove me to uni, wished me good luck, and left. Now I was on my own.

  Taking a deep breath, I tried to give myself a little pep talk. I could do this, right? I had dealt with far more challenging things in my life. This was a piece of cake.

  Twenty minutes later, I wasn't so confident any more.

  I felt lost. Really, really lost at times as I tried to get through that first day. And even though I had always prided myself in being very independent, very strong and confident in my own abilities, as I sat in a lecture hall with three hundred other students, listening to a professor giving a speech on 'finding yourself'', 'studying what you are passionate about', and some other phrases I had read somewhere in the guide book, I felt way out of place.

  Everyone around me seemed so excited to start living the university life.

  My primary focus had been to get away from home and start living my own life. And picking the subject I wanted to study had kind of been a no-brainer, but as I listened to the professors give their introductory speeches, and I looked around me and saw all these hopeful faces, gleaming with excitement, I began to have doubts whether I was as committed to this subject as I'd thought myself to be.

  I didn't get to ponder on it, though, because after the welcome speech there was just one thing after the other I had to do. Register here, go there, now go there, fill out this, sign that, have you got this form yet?

  After a tour of all the main campus buildings, I finally had a few precious moments to myself. I called Ian, hoping he wasn't at work yet. For him, class didn't start until next week, so he'd had some free time this morning.

  “How are you coping?” he asked, picking up on the first ring.

  “I don't know”, I answered truthfully. There was no way I could explain all these mixed feelings inside me. My voice sounded pitiful.

  Ian picked up on it immediately. “I know the first day is crazy. It gets better, trust me. In the meantime, what can I do to help?”

  I let out a strangled laugh, and as I did, I felt something inside me already beginning to loosen up.

  “Just talk to me while I try to find my way to this café everyone has been talking about. I need some food in me.”

  “Good to hear that the stress hasn't messed with your appetite, at least.”

  “You know me, I'm always hungry. If anything, I eat more when I'm stressed.”

  Ian laughed. A laugh that warmed my heart. “True. So true. So you still coming round for dinner tonight? You can tell me all the gruesome details then.”

  “Of course I'm still coming”, I said. I had yet to spend a night at my dorm, and it looked as though I wasn't going to sleep there tonight, either.

  “Great. See you then.”

  “See you then.”

  The café I'd been looking for came into view and my stomach grumbled.

  “Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  We hung up at the same time.

  This short conversation with Ian had given me the reassurance I craved.

  Sometimes, just hearing a persons voice was enough to make any doubts disappear.

  I was looking forward to seeing him tonight. I really did need to start living in my dorm, though. I paid for it, so I should use it from time to time. Not tonight, though. Tonight, I was going to sleep safe and sound in Ian's arms and forget all about the stress of today.

  The rest of the day went by in a blur. There was so much to do and so much to remember. When I finally got back to my room, I was beyond exhausted. Letting my bag drop to the floor next to the door, I took the three long steps towards my bed, and let myself fall down into it, face down, arms stretched out at my sides.

  I could just never get up again. I could stay in this bed forever. The solution sounded pretty good to me.

  But then my phone vibrated in my bag. It was probably Ian. It took me a while to get up and get to it.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey”, he said. I heard someone speaking in the background. I was pretty sure it was Darcy. “So, plans changed. The boys want to go out for a drink or two tonight. Are you up for that? I could pick you up, we could get something to eat first and then head to the bar.”

  I bit my lip. All I wanted to do was go back to bed. A night out didn't exactly sound like fun at the moment.

  Ian seemed to sense my lack of enthusiasm. “We don't have to if you're no feeling like it”, he quickly said, but he sounded disappointed.

  “No”, I hurried to assure him, “it's fine. Who's all coming?”

  “Just Darce, Sammy and maybe Greg and his girlfriend. Greg is a friend of mine. Nice bloke, you'll like him.

  “Great”, I said.

  “Okay, so I'll pick you up in an hour?” he asked.

  “Sounds good”, I said, even though I really just felt like crawling into bed and sleeping for the next ten days.

  We hung up and I set myself an alarm for thirty minutes. I could get ready in half an hour. Getting another half hour nap was my top priority at the moment.

  The alarm went off far too soon. I didn't feel particularly social, but dragged myself off the bed anyway. Who knew, I might actually have fun.

  We ended up at an Italian restaurant for dinner. Darcy and Sam joined us.

  “So, how was your first day?” Sam asked me in-between bites of food.

  I hesitated a moment. “Okay”, I said.

  Ian put his arm around me and gave me a little squeeze. “You'll get used to the craziness, I promise”, he said, placing a tender kiss on my temple.

  I closed my eyes for a second, relaxing under his touch, but when I opened my eyes again, there was somebody else staring at me. Darcy's expression was serious. His eyes were fixed on my face as if he was searching for something there. I had no doubt he could tell exactly what I was thinking. That was one of the things which had always unnerved me about Darcy. He had the ability to look beyond all the walls I hid behind.

  I knew, where Ian would simply focus on making me feel better without asking too many questions, Darcy wouldn't stop until he knew exactly what was wrong. He wanted to understand, and sometimes that could be really painful.

  I looked away, but I could still feel his eyes on me.

  “So, what did you guys do today?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

  “Well, Darce here was a boring 'responsible adult' and did nothing but work all day”, Sam said, making little air quotes for emphasis.

  “Which I would still be doing, if you guys hadn't dragged me out of the house”, Darcy pointed out, t
wisting an insanely large amount of spaghetti around his fork and putting it into his mouth.

  “At least Ian and I went out and had fun”, Sam said.

  “I had a fun day sitting at my computer, thank you very much”, Darcy replied.

  “Alright you two”, Ian interrupted their bickering. “We all had fun today. We can agree on that.” And then he proceeded telling me about how he and Sam went rock climbing this morning, at a new gym that had just opened a few weeks ago.

  “You and I should go there sometime. It's fun.” I nodded, but I was only half-listening. Darcy was still watching me, and it became impossible to focus on anything besides those grey eyes.

  I stared back at him, willing him to give in and leave it be, but he was Darcy, so of course he didn't listen.

  A small smile spread across his lips, and he lazily raised one eyebrow. He knew he was annoying me. He also knew I was far more likely to reveal what was going through my mind when I was annoyed. I was bracing myself for a long fight on that one, but to my surprise, Darcy held my eyes for only a few seconds before turning his attention back to Sam, who was talking about some film he'd recently seen.

  That wasn't like the Darcy I remembered. The Darcy I remembered would fling rubber bands at me in maths class, push me into the pool with my clothes on, or set off fire crackers in front of my window at two o' clock in the morning. He certainly wouldn't let an opportunity to torture me slip through his fingers. I picked up the last piece of my pizza. Maybe Darcy had grown up more than I gave him credit for.

  After all our plates were cleared of any traces of food, Sam announced it was time to hit the town.

  At that point, I was already fighting to keep my eyes open.

  “Well, you guys have fun. I still have work to do”, Darcy said, excusing himself, even though Sam muttered something about how he would look back to his youth in twenty years whilst in the middle of his mid-life crisis and wish he'd gone out and gotten smashed out of his mind more often.

  Darcy wisely ignored him.

  “Are you going home?” I asked. “Can I come with you?” I really needed some sleep.

  “Sure, I can take you”, Darcy said. “Are you staying at our place again tonight?”

  I nodded. “Would that be okay?” I turned to Ian. “You guys can go out and have fun. I just don't feel like it tonight.”

  His expression immediately turned to worry. Do you want me to come with you?” he asked.

  “No.” I shook my head. “I'm just tired. All I need is some sleep. It's been a long day. Sorry.” I gave him an apologetic smile.

  “That's okay.” Ian pressed a sweet goodnight kiss onto my lips, and then he and Sam headed out. I was glad I'd chosen to stay behind. I would've probably fallen asleep on the barstool.

  Darcy and I walked to his car in silence. While we'd been inside eating, it had started to rain, and a constant, light drizzle poured down on us. Darcy took off his leather jacket and held it over both of our heads.

  “Thanks”, I said.

  “Wouldn't want you to catch a cold, Princess”, he replied.

  We reached his car, and he opened the door for me before heading to the driver's side. As he pulled out onto the road, I turned on the radio—which still had a cassette player built into it, by the way. His car was that old.

  “Remember how we always talked about where we wanted to be in ten, or twenty years' time?” I said. Darcy had often talked about the future back in the day. I think we were both just anxious to leave home and be on our own. “You always said you didn't want a car. You always wanted to drive a motorcycle.” I smiled to myself. Darcy had been obsessed with motorcycles.

  “Yeah, well, sometimes, on days like today, it pays to have a roof over your head.”

  Watching the windshield wipers work overtime, I had to agree with him.

  “If I'm honest, I just wanted a motorcycle because I thought it would look cool and impress the ladies”, Darcy said. “And as I recall, you were convinced someone would have figured out a way to make cars fly by now. What happened to that?” he added, gesturing in front of him at the scratched and dented console of his car, which was obviously not made for flying.

  “Well, it isn't my fault that scientists apparently don't know what they are doing.”

  Darcy just laughed.

  Back then, we'd had fun times, sometimes spending hours imagining our future in the brightest colours. It was strange to think about that now.

  I was still flipping through the radio stations, when Darcy reached out to pull my hand away from the dial.

  “If there is one thing I can't stand, it's when someone messes with my radio while I'm driving”, he said.

  But his words barely registered with me. I was too distracted by the feel of his hand around mine. It was the first time he'd touched me, aside from that hug a couple of days ago. We'd never been shy around each other when it came to physical contact, but that seemed to have changed with my relationship status.

  He still held my hand. His fingers were warm and incredibly gentle.

  I didn't want him to let go, but at the same time I was very aware of how intimate this gesture seemed.

  It was probably just seconds later when he did finally release my hand, but it felt like an eternity to me. We didn't speak for the entire other half of the car journey home, and once there, I headed upstairs with only so much as a mumbled 'thank you and goodnight' in Darcy's direction.

  I went to bed straight away, but that didn't mean I was able to fall asleep. I lay there, thinking about everything that had happened that day. From the craziness of my first day as an university student to Darcy holding my hand. It had been a long day.

  And then I heard it again, the music coming from the room next door. It was too quiet for me to make out any lyrics, but the melody came through loud and clear. I knew this song as well. Darcy's taste in music didn't seem to have changed much. He was still into old-school blues and jazz. I listened to song after song after song, fighting the urge to get up and go knock on his door.

  Ian stumbled in at about two a.m., considerably drunk.

  I had been lying awake for hours at that point. The music had stopped a long time ago, but sleep was out of reach for me.

  Ian crawled into bed and wrapped an arm around me. His presence immediately relaxed me, and my brain was finally beginning to shut down. There was just one thing I had to get off my chest before I could close my eyes for the night.

  “What if I made the wrong decision”, I whispered into the darkness. I wasn't sure whether Ian was still awake or not.

  “About what?” he asked after a moment of silence. His words were thick and slurred. Whether from tiredness or alcohol, I couldn't tell.

  “Studying marine biology”, I said.

  “What? No way, you've been studying the ocean since we were ten years old. It's your passion, isn't it?” Ian tightened his hold around me, nuzzling into my hair.

  He was right, the ocean was a passion of mine, but that wasn't what I had meant. I loved the subject of marine biology without a doubt, but I began to wonder whether I was cut out to it as a job. For the rest of my life.

  Nothing to do with my passion for it. Some things were just better left as a hobby instead of a career. I didn't know how to explain this to Ian, though, so I stayed silent.

  “Listen, the first day is always overwhelming and scary”, Ian went on when I didn't say anything. “I had my doubts, too. But you'll get over it, you'll see. Everything will fall into place.”

  I wanted to believe him. I really did, but the doubts were still there, nagging me in the back of my mind.

  A few days later, I had settled into a routine and things were looking up. The doubts about my choice of career, however, stayed with me.

  I mostly stayed in my dorm room, only seeing Ian fleetingly here and there. His classes had started as well now, and he was just as busy as I was. I wanted to settle into my new life here, and that included sleeping in my room at least a few
nights a week. Staying at Ian's was great, but I came to treasure this time by myself as well.

  As I was making some late-night tea in the communal kitchen one night, I was approached by a girl in Mickey Mouse pyjamas.

  “Hey, you're in the room across the hall from Hannah, right?”

  I hated to admit that I had no idea who Hannah was. I hadn't exactly made an effort to meet the people on my floor.

  So I just shrugged my shoulders and decided the best thing to do would be to simply introduce myself. “I'm Allie”, I said.

  The girl smiled. “Jessica”, she replied and we shook hands.

  “I don't see you around much”, Jessica said.

  “Yeah, I have some friends whom I stay with a lot”, I said. “Their house is a lot more quiet than these halls.” I had no idea why I didn't just say I was staying with my boyfriend.

  “Hey, I don't blame you. Whoever lives above me is a serious stomper, hence why I'm still awake at midnight on a Wednesday.”

  I laughed. “Sorry to hear that.”

  Jessica and I sat down at one of the tables and began to talk. She had a bright, bubbly personality and was easy to get along with. Growing up, I never had many girlfriends. And the ones I had were always kept at arm's length. I didn't have to do that any more, I reminded myself. It would definitely take some getting used to.

  When I said goodbye to Jessica that night, I felt like maybe I was finally fitting into university life.