To Love A Friend

by Jana David

Allie

  I couldn't believe I had let it get this far. Last night I'd wanted to stop it so many times, but every time I looked into his eyes, my resolve crumbled. Now, in the light if day, I was paying the price.

  As I blindly stumbled into Ian's room, prepared to pack my things and leave, I heard his steps behind me.

  I didn't turn around. His arms came around my waist.

  “Darcy, I can't do this.” I was on the brink of crying. “I can't do this to Ian. We can't do this to Ian.”

  He didn't let go of me. “I know”, he said. It was wrong, and I feel incredibly guilty, too. We both are guilty. Of...cheating? It sounds so terrible saying that.”

  He was right. It did sound terrible.

  “Let me go”, I whispered. He didn't.

  “I want you to know that I don't regret last night. Even though it was wrong and shouldn't have happened, I don't regret it.”

  I closed my eyes, even though I knew I shouldn't enjoy the feeling of having him so close, I did. “Darcy...”

  “I know, I know”, he said. His mouth was so close to my ear, hearing him speak sent shivers down my spine. “We can figure this all out. Just...don't shut me out of your life completely. If you just want to be my friend, we'll find a way. We can figure this out.”

  No, we couldn't. There was nothing to figure out. Either way, someone would get hurt.

  I was breathless at this point. So breathless that I wasn't even sure if there was enough air left to say anything. I'd never felt so many emotions all at once. Especially not so many conflicting emotions.

  I turned around, unable to meet his eyes. We were still way too close to each other, but I couldn't will myself to take a step back.

  “Darcy, you should go”, I said. It came out as only a whisper.

  We were in Ian's room, for heavens sake, and from where I was standing, I could see the picture on his desk of the two of us on the beach in Iceland. Both smiling, both happy.

  Back then I'd thought I was so in love.

  And here I was now, a few month later, craving the touch of someone else. I was betraying Ian just by standing here.

  Did that mean I didn't love him? No. I still wanted him. He was still the person I would run to if things got tough. At the same time I knew that my betraying his trust and not honouring the commitment we'd made going into this relationship could destroy everything we'd built between us. Maybe it already had.

  “You know what, never mind. I should probably go.” I swallowed against the lump that was forming in my throat. Why I was about to cry now, I didn't know. It didn't make sense either.

  “I need to go.”

  Before he could say anything more, I brushed past him and rushed out the door.