To Love A Friend

by Jana David

Darcy

  She ran for the door, just desperate to get away. I knew she was right. I was even glad she had the decency to stop this, because I sure didn't.

  My emotions were all over the place. One minute I was sure that letting her go was the right thing to do, and the next minute I thought the complete opposite. There was one thing I wasn't confused over, though. When I'd told her I didn't regret last night, it was the truth.

  “Allie, wait!” I ran after her and stopped her right by the front door.

  “Darcy, please...” I wasn't sure what she was asking me. There were tears in her eyes, and I just felt like the biggest arsehole in history.

  But she was still here. She wasn't running out the door, so I had to say these words before I messed up things between us even more.

  “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that”, I started. “I love you, and I want you, I'm not going to deny that, but you're with Ian, and I'll respect that. I know things are going to be weird between us for a while, that's kind of a given after....what happened, but I won't touch you again, I promise. We'll be friends, nothing more, okay?” I knew I could never just be her friend again. Not after this. But I'd pretend. I'd pretend for her, even if it killed me.

  But Allie was shaking her head vigorously.

  “You don't get it, do you?”

  I was confused. “What?”

  But she was still just shaking her head.

  “What don't I get, Allie?”

  “You offering to stay away from me, it won't solve anything.”

  “Why not?”

  “Are you really that blind, Darcy?” She was crying even harder now, and her voice came out broken and cracked. I was trying to make sense of what she was saying, but she was a book written in a foreign language at that moment. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I reached out to touch her.

  As my fingers grazed her shoulder,Allie turned away from me, drawing in a ragged breath.

  I could barely understand her when she told in a broken whisper, “It won't solve anything, because I'll still want you. Every time I'll see you, I'll want to touch you, be with you, do all the things I shouldn't want to do with you.”

  I drew my hand back.

  “So, Ian...” I let that sentence hang in the air, too afraid what she might say.

  Allie just closed her eyes, her face contorted as if she was in pain. Her voice came out quiet as she said, “That is the messed up part. I love Ian, but at the same time I have feelings for you, too.”

  I tried to digest this confession.

  “People say you can't be in love with more than one person. But after these past few days, I just...don't know. You and Ian, you are such complete opposites, and I love both of you for different reasons, and even though I'm trying to figure this out, I can't, for the life of me, decide whom I love more.”

  More tears spilled from her eyes, and I desperately wanted to say something to make it better for her, but words failed me. All I could do was to merely stand there and stare at her.

  “I know it's messed up. It truly is.” There was a short pause where Allie looked up at me and smiled a very sad smile. “I am so sorry.”

  And then she turned around and walked out the door.

  I didn't stop her this time.

  As I lay in my bed, which felt cold and lonely without her next to me, I cursed myself. Why had I done this?

  Just days ago, I had told my mother I didn't want to be part of a dangerous love-triangle. But here I was, right in the middle of it, and even though I knew this wouldn't end well, I knew I wasn't going to give up easily.