by Starr, Faith
We stared at each other, neither of us budging.
“Please come in.” We couldn’t very well remain in the doorway. I stepped aside so he could enter Carly’s apartment. He came inside and stopped next to me.
With the door shut and locked, I asked, “Why don’t we go into the living room?”
He didn’t move.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” He pulled me into his arms and enveloped me in a tight embrace without giving me a chance to speak. Part of me wanted to push him off me. The bigger part caved and sank into the comfort of his chest.
“I want you to know I would have stood by you at the service. I didn’t know about it until afterward and respected your wish for space.”
“Please understand that my craving space was about me. My grandpa passing happened so quickly. It was a shock for my entire family. I’ve dealt with loss in the past, but this one has really knocked me for a loop, especially when the guys and I are leaving, and I barely have time to process everything I’m feeling. Can I ask you something?” He separated from me long enough to see my face. I nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me your grandmother lives at the center?”
“Come sit down. It’s a long story.”
He obliged. We sat next to each other on the couch.
“When I told you about my grandmother taking me in and how she got sick, what I didn’t tell you was that she had Alzheimer’s. It got to the point where it became too much for me to handle all by myself. Unfortunately, she didn’t have long-term insurance or cash stashed aside to pay for assistance. I toured various centers, most of them shit. When I visited the one I work at, I got positive vibes. I knew I had to do something to get her in there. What I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room. Promise?”
“Promise.”
For whatever reason, I believed him.
“I met with Maria on multiple occasions. She knew about my situation. About how I couldn’t afford the monthly rates. It’s something she hears from families on a daily basis. These assisted living places are expensive. They could easily put people into bankruptcy, especially the memory care facilities. I told Maria I’d be willing to do anything to get my grandmother into the center. I informed her about my night job at the club and how I made decent earnings but not nearly enough to pay for my grandmother’s care. Coincidentally—I tend to believe everything happens for a reason—she informed me the woman who entertained the residents had recently quit without giving notice which put her in a bind. She was struggling to find a replacement with no success and family members were starting to complain. What are the odds, right?”
He nodded.
“I asked Maria if she’d be open-minded and let me “audition” for the job. I knew I’d be a perfect fit for what the position entailed. If she liked what she saw, I told her I’d work in exchange for allowing my grandmother to reside there. Obviously, my salary and my grandma’s fees had a wide gap between them so she gave me a reduced rate. Her family owns the center so she can make those types of administrative decisions. I think it boiled down to both of us being in a desperate situation. The center advertises that it offers activities to the residents. It had been weeks since it had provided any. I believe God works in strange ways. In my case, I had been put in Maria’s life for a reason, same as she had been put in mine. The plan was working out fine until I quit my job at the club, impulsively, I might add.”
“Yeah. I heard. What happened?”
How much time does he have?
“So much since we last spoke.”
“I take full responsibility for the pictures being posted online. I did what I could to get our social media team to sort it out and clear your name. There’s only so much they can do. I don’t want you to think I sat idly by. The last thing I wanted was for you to be dragged into a media nightmare.”
Too late for that.
“What’s done is done. The media thing became cumulative. Pictures were posted. Lies were told. Strangers were taking pictures of me. Somehow my number got out, and I started getting harassing phone calls. Everything came to a head when my manager at the club asked me to fill in for one of the bartenders who called in sick. I was going about my business, doing my job, when a strong urge to drink rolled over me like a tidal wave. It had been years since I’d had one. It scared the life out of me. I couldn’t breathe. I broke out into a sweat. I panicked and ran through the club to the back exit. I sat outside to get fresh air.”
His hand clasped mine.
“Don’t worry. I didn’t feed into the craving. It was a close call, though. Fortunately, I did the right thing and quit instead of revisiting a dark place. Problem with that is, the money to pay for my grandmother’s care is no longer there. I told Maria I’d try to find another night job to cover my payments, but it’s slim pickings when your primary skills are as a bartender, and that career isn’t an option for me anymore. I informed her I would have to remove my grandmother from the center and care for her. She said her hands were tied. That she couldn’t reduce my grandmother’s rate any more than she already had. Since I have no income right now, taking care of my grandma is my new reality until I figure things out.”
“Not any more. I’ve remedied that situation.”
“Something I’m uncomfortable with. I can’t ask you to do that for me.”
“You didn’t. I offered. And it’s not too much considering none of this would have happened if I had been more cautious with you in public.”
“Still. It doesn’t mean you have to take on a financial burden, especially one that doesn’t benefit you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. It does benefit me.”
“How is that?” I threw my hand out to the side.
“We may not have known each other long, but you’ve definitely made a lasting impression.”
“I appreciate it. I honestly do. But I don’t want to be a charity case you want to rescue.”
“Whoa.” His hand shot up. “You would never be a charity case to me. Believe me, if this were any other woman, I’d make an apology and be gone.”
“Then, why aren’t you?” My breath took a pause, as did the rest of me, while waiting for his reply.
“Because you’re different. I’m not ready to be gone yet.”
Yet?
Don’t dwell. He meant it as a positive.
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“I’m glad you’re glad.” He leaned forward and gently kissed my lips. “I get why you quit the club, but what about the house? Why did you move out?”
“The house mother, Nikki, saw the pictures. She told me I wasn’t following the rules of the house. I was working in a bar and lying—two no-nos. My secrets had finally bit me in the ass. They have a way of doing that. As much as I hate to admit it, she was justified in throwing me out. So, here I am.” I rested my hand on my lap in the small den we sat in.
“This entire situation has turned into a clusterfuck.”
I shrugged. “I’m a problem solver. I get up. I move forward. It’s how I survived living with an abusive father.”
“Still. This entire problem arose because of me.”
“It’s water under the bridge. I don’t blame you for any of it. I should have been more responsible about our actions in public too. I acted ignorantly.”
“How can you not be mad at me? I’m mad at me.” He inhaled a sharp breath.
“Because it won’t make the situation better. I’m upset it happened and hurt you pushed me away, especially after things were going so well. At least I thought they were. But as I said, it is what it is. When things don’t go the way I want them to, I turn them over to my Higher Power, feel the feelings, and move on. It’s all I can do.”
“I admire that about you. Your outlook is so positive.”
“It wasn’t always that way. It’s taken a lot of work.”
“It’s obviously paid off. And for the record, I too thought things were going well. I hope you believe me when I say that the last thing I
wanted to do was drop out of your life. Whereas you say you feel your feelings and shit, I tend to get stuck and struggle with mine. This past week felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks on my back, which was why I said I wanted space.”
“Been there. Done that. More times than I care to admit. Pushing people I care about aside when I need them the most has never worked out in my favor.”
“I hear you. So, this place”—he gestured to the area around us—“is this where you’ll be living now?”
The couch was beat to shit, the TV was small, but the décor was homey and comfortable. I could bet it was far from anything Ryan was used to.
“For the next week. It isn’t fair for me to put the burden of my grandma or her care on Carly. Future housing for the two of us was what I was trying to figure out until Maria called and informed me you’d volunteered to pay for my grandma’s care. I feel very uncomfortable with it. It’s so much money for you to lay out.”
“I hear you, but it’s my money and this is how I want to spend some of it.”
“Still…”
“No stills. It’s a done deal. The paperwork is signed. So, will you stay here longer now that you don’t have to worry about caring for your grandma?”
“It was never a permanent move. Going with the coincidence thing again, Carly and her girlfriend are out a roommate. The guy who was living with them gave notice that he was moving in with his partner. Even though he was paid up until the end of the month, he chose to leave sooner, which worked to my benefit. The room became available. Good luck on my part.”
“I’m glad you had someplace to go. I’m totally beating myself up right now for all of this.” He swept his hand through his hair and leaned against the back cushion of the couch.
“Enough with the guilt. It serves no purpose. When I said I believe everything happens for a reason, I meant it. I might not see the big picture and things might suck right now, but in the end, I have faith everything will work out. It always does. This is just another one of life’s big puzzle pieces.”
“Your attitude is remarkable.”
“I work hard at it.”
“It shows.”
I slipped my hand in his. He immediately brushed his thumb over my knuckle.
“What else can I do to help you get things back on track?”
“Are you serious? You’ve gone above and beyond. I feel selfish for accepting your offer to pay for my grandma’s care.”
“That conversation is over. It’s already been decided.”
“By you.”
“That’s right. I decided to pay for her care. End of story.”
“I have no words other than thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
He smiled with both his eyes and mouth. “You’re welcome.”
“It’s my turn to ask some questions.”
“Shoot.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m trying to come to terms with the reality that my grandfather is in a better place, but I’ve got a lot of guilt bogging me down. I should have had round-the-clock care for him.”
“You did.”
“No, I’m referring to private duty care in his room. Maybe if someone had been there when he fell, things would have turned out differently.”
“Should have. Would have. Part of the grieving process is bargaining, which means people question things they could have done differently to possibly have prevented a loved one from moving on. Blaming yourself won’t do anything, nor will it bring him back.”
“It’s hard not to think I could have prevented it.”
A tear slid down his cheek.
“Come here.” I pulled him into my arms, and to my surprise, he cried. Hard. He let everything he must’ve been holding inside all week out while in my arms, finally opening himself up to me.
We sat in that position for several long minutes, both of us crying. My tears were from surviving the past week of hell. They were also for Ryan’s loss. It wasn’t easy to lose a loved one. I knew firsthand having lost my mother.
He sat up and wiped his eyes. I reached for a tissue off the coffee table and handed him a few. I snagged a few for myself as well.
“Shit.”
“You okay?” I continued to wipe my cheeks. He did the same to his.
“I guess I’ve been stuffing that.”
“It’s healthy, let alone cathartic to let it out.”
“I had no one to let it out to. I didn’t want to be alone, so I stayed at Mason’s. Probably because I would have broken down and I hate weakness.”
“It’s quite the opposite. Feeling your feelings is a sign of strength. Either way, I’m glad you were able to let some of it out now and with me.”
He frowned, slumped forward, and stared at the beige carpet. “I felt bad about how things ended at the hotel. When you gave me the journal, I freaked.” His eyes shot to mine. “I realized how strong my feelings for you were. I don’t let people get close to me. It’s too dangerous. The guys are pretty much it for me. You were achieving the impossible. I thought getting space would make it easier for me to make the break since I knew I was leaving. And then my grandfather passed… I couldn’t deal with two losses. It was too much.” His gaze drifted toward the carpet again.
“Ryan,” I guided his chin in my direction. “I don’t have to be a loss.”
“I’m leaving, Lizzie. I won’t be back for months.”
He had to remind me.
“Nothing is ever black and white. I don’t have any options to offer right now other than for us to see each other when you’re in town. It’s not ideal, but something is better than nothing. Regardless, you’re following your dream, so it’s a good thing.”
“Why can’t my dream include having someone in my life too?”
Heavy conversation, here we come.
“It can. It involves trying to find the gray.”
“What do you plan to do now?”
He had completely changed the subject. So much for the heavy conversation.
“What you mean?”
“Job wise. Living wise.”
“Those are two difficult questions for me to answer. Other than bartending, I have experience entertaining dementia patients. It’s kind of pathetic.”
“It’s not pathetic at all. You make a difference in those people’s lives. Speaking of the residents, I told Maria you deserve a promotion.”
I nearly choked. “What?”
“Yeah. She was going on and on about how great the activities are at the center. I told her it’s because of you. Therefore, you should be rewarded.”
“Oh my gosh. I can just picture her face. What did she say?”
“She said she wouldn’t discuss your job with me. Now I know why. She also asked me to endorse the center and write them a review.”
“Figures. Maria has done well by me, so I have nothing bad to say about her. I don’t think I can remain there permanently, though. She called me after you left.”
“She did? Why?”
“To tell me she would pay me to continue my job there as the activities coordinator because I do such a great job. She is also out one and the residents need stimulation.”
“Like I said, you do.”
His compliment touched me.
“I don’t think the promotion you requested was part of the offer because it was a low hourly wage. The thing is, in my current situation, beggars can’t be choosers. I don’t know. I think I’m ready to expand my horizons and make a fresh start. The center is so depressing. So to answer your question as far as what I will do, ask me in a week or two. One thing is for sure, I would never leave her hanging unless absolutely necessary—as in, having to care for my grandma. That other girl walked out with no notice. It was an awful thing to do because it affected the residents.”
“You have such a good heart. Speaking of residents, which one is your grandmother?”
“Mimi. The little lady with gray hair who is always wearing a sweater.”
“You pretty much described every female resident at the center.”
“You’re right.” I giggled. “Wait, I’ll show you a picture of her.” I ran to my room to get the photograph I kept next to my bed. It was of my grandma and me together back in her better days. Ryan would recognize her face.
He studied the picture. “I remember her. She’s lucky to have you. You worked at the club, jeopardizing your sobriety, to pay for her to have a safe place to live and you worked for free. You’re very special.”
“I did what I had to do. She got me out of my dad’s house. For that alone, I owe her my life.”
He embraced me and brushed loose hair that had fallen out of my ponytail behind my ears. And then he kissed me. That one delicate brush of his lips against mine assured me everything would be okay.
“Can I see your room?”
My response was to stand up, take him by the hand, and lead him there.
“Please excuse the mess. I literally dumped everything in here. All I’ve done is make the bed.” The suitcases were still packed. I had stuff thrown all over the place.
“Not to worry. For what I have in mind, all we need is the bed.”
Yay.
The kiss he gave me was filled with an abundance of affection and feeling.
His tongue swept over mine, gentle in its ministrations. The kiss wasn’t the lustful, hungry-sex type either.
We moved to the bed where he rested his body on top of mine.
We kissed some more.
“This may sound crazy, but I missed you.”
Nope. Not crazy.
Tears sprang to my eyes again. So many emotions filled me. My life had become a ride of sorts, full of twists and turns since Ryan Josephs had come into it.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
“This may sound out of nowhere, but it’s not. Here goes... Actually, you’ll probably appreciate it since it’s a movie quote. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin. My grandmother and I used to watch it together. So, there’s a part in the movie when the grandma is talking to Gil, the son-in-law. As a side note, the grandma had dementia. Anyway, she tells him about a roller coaster her husband had taken her on when she was a teenager. She goes on to say how she found it so interesting that a ride could make her feel frightened, scared, sick, excited, and thrilled, all at the same time.”