by Starr, Faith
“And?”
He obviously hadn’t seen the movie or else he would have remembered the scene I was referring to.
“She continues by saying some people don’t like that. They prefer the merry-go-round. All it does is go around, and around. She prefers roller coasters because you get more out of them. I think that’s what my life has become since I’ve met you. Come to think of it, it’s always been a roller coaster.”
He raised his eyebrows. “And that’s a good thing?”
He apparently didn’t think so.
“It’s a great thing.” I cupped his cheeks and kissed his lips. “You’re the best kind of roller coaster. I couldn’t picture my life not riding on one now.”
Pleased with my reply, he tugged my leggings and underwear down in one quick swoop. My shirt came off next. I removed his clothing. We didn’t speak. We didn’t hurry things along. We moved with intention and purpose.
“Does the no-condom rule still apply?”
Damn right, it did.
“Same rule. Different day.”
“Glad to hear it. I’m on board with that rule.” He grinned.
His body hovered over mine. He rested his weight on his forearms and bent legs with my body pinned underneath his.
“You’re beautiful. Inside and out.”
My frickin’ waterfall of tears needed to give it a rest.
“You are too, Ryan.”
He kissed me.
Still, we moved to our own beat, a slow one.
He nudged my thighs wider apart and lined himself up. My body welcomed him, all of me, bare and exposed.
I relished the fullness of his length filling me as we made love. Nothing about our experience counted as fucking in any sense of the word. I prayed to God Ryan felt it too because I’d never be able to recover if he didn’t.
So much for keeping your guard up.
Eh. The thing was starting to rot anyway. Too much past pain and suffering had worn it down over the years. Maybe Ryan would be able to dispose of the rest of it. Even better, with him in my life, I wouldn’t need a replacement for the piece of shit thing.
He picked up the speed.
Contentment flooded me.
All my cares slipped away.
Weightlessness took over.
“Ryan…” His name was a plea.
“Lizzie,” he whispered next to my ear.
His body stiffened over mine. He stilled inside me. The two of us came together. It was magical, the connection between as well.
Now we had to be able to maintain it when he left. I so prayed we’d be able to.
29
Ryan
She rested snuggly in my arms. How was it I could feel both heartache and joy simultaneously?
“My sister drowned when I was seven.” The words shot out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“You had a sister?” She rested her hand on my chest and propped her head on it. I stared at the ceiling, twirling some of her curls.
“We were swimming in our pool. Kelsey wasn’t the greatest swimmer. The rule was she had to stay by the steps. My parents had scheduled lessons for her in the upcoming weeks. Little too late, I guess.”
The pain in my stomach had me taking deep breaths. The darn thing went into spasm at the mere mention of Kelsey’s name.
I steadied the rhythm.
Lizzie must have sensed my unease because she rubbed circles over my belly. It actually helped me relax.
“How old was she?”
“Four.” My eyes closed. Kelsey’s freckled cheeks appeared behind my lids; her brown hair gathered in pig tales.
“Is that the loss you told me about?”
When I opened them, the vision of my sister vanished.
“Yeah. No more secrets between us. The trust goes both ways.” My eyes flicked to hers.
“I would never betray it.”
“I know you wouldn’t, which is why I’m telling you this.”
“You don’t have to tell me now. You’re dealing with enough, mourning the loss of your grandfather.”
“No. It’s important that you know. The self-blame has to stop.”
Her head tilted to the right. “Self-blame?”
The saliva wouldn’t go down. I continued to swallow, but my mouth felt like a fucking desert. Water would have been useful. It’s too bad we didn’t have any in the bedroom. I didn’t want to break the mood by asking for a glass either, because that would invariably cause me to retreat.
“My mother had gone into the house to get us snacks. She told me to watch Kelsey. All of seven years old, and she left me responsible for my younger sister who couldn’t even swim. Did you know that a kid can drown in twenty-seconds?”
“No, I didn’t. It happened when your mother went inside the house?”
“Yup. I was too busy fishing for dive sticks to notice my sister had roamed away from the steps. My mother came outside and started screaming. That’s when I noticed Kelsey floating in the pool. My mother jumped in, clothes and all, and pulled her out. She did CPR and screamed for me to call 911. By the time the paramedics got there, it was too late.”
The pain in my stomach returned, all my feelings rushing to the surface. Once again, I was crying my eyes out to Lizzie.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Really? She drowned under my watchful eye.” I bent my legs to help release the tension in my abdomen. I exhaled slowly.
“You were seven, Ryan. I hardly consider that age-appropriate to be babysitting a four-year-old in a pool, let alone one who doesn’t know how to swim. If anyone should be blamed, it should be your mother for putting that responsibility on you.”
“Why would she blame herself when she could use me as a scapegoat?” I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. Lizzie reached over to the nightstand and handed me a tissue. “Thanks.”
“You know that’s unfair and selfish of her. She was the adult. She made a poor decision.”
“The therapist she sent me to said the same thing. When I told my mom, she took me to a different one. Imagine that.”
“The therapist was right.”
“Even after years of therapy, I still blame myself. I was there. My mother wasn’t. I should’ve paid more attention to my sister.”
“I can’t tell you how to feel about this, but from an outsider listening to the story, you did nothing wrong. Children shouldn’t be left in a pool unsupervised, for any reason, whether they know how to swim or not. That’s simple logic.”
“It doesn’t bring my sister back. Does it?” I rolled my head to the side and looked at the closet doors. Why did this still hurt so bad?
“I’m sorry you lost your sister. I know how it feels to lose a loved one. My mother overdosed, for God’s sake. I could blame myself and say I should have checked on her sooner and called for help. Maybe if I had, the paramedics could have saved her. But I know that’s not true because I was a kid when it happened. I refuse to blame myself for something that was out of my control and hands.”
“That’s the difference. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed, I would’ve noticed my sister had drifted away from the steps and could have done something. Anything.” My hand balled into a fist.
“Again with the could have’s and should have’s.” She nudged my chin so I’d look at her. “Unfortunately, we can’t change the past. All we can do is learn from it and move forward.”
“I wish it were that easy.” I sniffled and wiped my nose.
“I didn’t say it was easy. It sucks. What happened to your sister sucks. What happened to your grandpa sucks. What happened to my mother sucks. Same for my grandma. I used to wish I had the power to save the world. Often, I believed I could. But I can’t. And to tell you the truth, I no longer want that burden. It’s too much pressure to put on one person’s shoulders.”
I shivered with my exhalation. “My parents want to sell their house. It’s the house I grew up in. My sister’s room still has all her belongings in it.
My mom keeps the door shut, so nobody disturbs it. The garage still houses the studio the guys and I first practiced and wrote songs in. Still do, to this day.”
“Why do they want to sell it?”
“They want to downsize. I offered to buy the house from them. They refused.”
“Why?”
“They don’t want to take money from me, and my dad says the market values in the neighborhood are going down and that it would be a bad investment.”
“I mean, why do you want to buy it?”
What kind of question was that?
“Because it holds the only memories I have left of Kelsey. Plus, the guys and I have a superstition about the garage. It helped us gain fame.”
She sat up. “You honestly believe that?”
“Which part?”
“That the garage helped you become famous?”
It did sound silly, hearing someone else say it.
“Not the garage, per se. It’s where we got our start. We don’t want to forget where we came from. How far we’ve come. The garage was a big part of that.”
“I understand what you’re saying. But your talent is within you, Ryan. It doesn’t matter where you write or play music. The gift is inside of you. As long as you stay true to who you are and don’t let fame go to your head, you won’t forget where you came from. As far as your sister, those memories are inside of you too. Sure, we all want mementos and things to cherish that belonged to loved ones. I may not have met or known Kelsey, but I can assure you she would want you to move on with your life, without blaming yourself. I don’t think handcuffing yourself to the past will allow you to do that.”
“Hmm.” I contemplated her words. I’d never considered holding on to blame as being cuffed to the past.
“It was hard for me to move in with my grandma. Not the part about leaving my father behind. That was a breeze. But I felt, in a sense, that I was leaving all I had left of my mother behind too. The room she slept in. The kitchen she cooked in. The bed she tucked me into at night before I went to sleep. Today I keep the good memories alive and try to let the others go. It doesn’t benefit me to tote them around. It took hard work emotionally for me to learn that. Maybe holding on to the guilt you’re feeling about your sister isn’t letting you move forward.”
“I never thought about it like that. I recently wrote a song about her. It’s called “Drowning.” I feel stuck, as though I’m drowning in a sense. And if I move on, I’m letting her down, forgetting her memory or that she even existed.”
“That’s untrue and unfair to both of you. It’s horrible that your sister drowned. But you didn’t, Ryan. You’re still alive. And you’re entitled to live your life. You’re letting both you and your sister down by not moving forward. I think of my mother every day, especially in situations like I’ve been through this past week. Sure, she was high more than she was straight, but she was still my mother. How I wish I still had one—a sober one—to call and speak to about everything going on, about meeting you, about life in general.”
“Fuck. I behaved like a total dick for not being here for you this past week.”
Her face contorted in anger. “Will you please stop trying to please everyone!”
I nearly jumped. Why the hell was she so mad? And screw her, I didn’t try to please everyone.
Did I?
“I didn’t mean to raise my voice. I’m just frustrated because our situations are different yet so similar. We are very much the same. Neither one of us can save the world, nor can we make everyone happy. It has to start with us. You’ve had a lot to deal with. Your grandfather passed away. Give yourself some slack. You deserve to think about yourself, too. Especially right now.”
“I love you.” The words spilled out. I had never voiced them to a woman, other than to family members.
Her eyes widened, and her mouth fell open. “What?”
“I said, I love you. I knew it the first moment I laid eyes on you.”
She flashed me a cocky smile. “Do you really mean that or are you only saying it because you’re in awe of my brilliant insight?”
“Get over here.” I pulled her on top of me and zeroed in on her eyes. “I love you because you are a good person, a solid one, and yes, you also have brilliant insight.”
“I’ve got another secret for you.”
She didn’t say I love you back.
Maybe I had jumped the gun.
“What is it?” My heart was crumbling under her. What happened to her brilliant insight? Could she not see how much she was hurting me?
She leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “I love you, too.”
I literally sighed as my body relaxed and sank into the mattress.
“Damn, woman. I think you just took ten years off my life.”
“I wouldn’t want to do that because then it would mean I’d have less time with you.”
“Are you sure you’re not a closet songwriter? That was some pretty swoon-worthy shit. Maybe I should use it in a song.”
“Feel free to do so. You can pen the lyrics in the journal I bought you.”
“I hope you understand that by agreeing to let me steal your lines, you’re giving up rights to royalties if the song becomes a hit.”
“I don’t consider it stealing because I’m gifting them to you.”
“See what I’m talking about?”
“You’ve lost me.”
“You are unlike anyone I’ve ever met. You give without expecting anything in return.”
“I see that in you too, Ryan. Paying for my grandmother to remain at the center? That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Unless, of course, you’re expecting me to repay the loan with interest.” Her hair got ample twirling action, her finger curling a few strands at high speed.
“It’s not a loan. It’s a gift. And I plan on doing lots of nice things for you, baby, so you better get used to it.”
“Ditto for you.” The hair she let go of was curlier than the rest thanks to her styling of it.
“Don’t unpack your shit yet.”
She yawned. “I wasn’t planning to. I’m exhausted. It’ll be third on my list for tomorrow. One is going on a job hunt. Two is working at the center.”
“You’ve struggled enough.”
“I’ve heard it makes a person stronger.”
“Yes and no. Why don’t you bring your stuff to my apartment?”
“The apartment you don’t bring women to?”
“Yet I brought you there. See? I must’ve known then that you were a keeper.”
“Why would I bring my stuff to your apartment?”
“So you could stay with me.”
“How quickly he forgets.” She flashed me a gleam of deviltry. “You’re leaving, Ryan.”
“I didn’t forget. Come with me.”
“Come with you where?”
“On the road.”
She sat upright and stared at me, jaw open, but no words coming out.
“Right now, you are an unemployed, homeless person. What do you have to lose by saying yes?”
She grimaced. “Thanks for sharing. You don’t have to remind me.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I chuckled because my phrasing did sound insulting but in a funny way. “What I meant to say was you don’t have to be.”
“It’s thoughtful of you to offer, but I refuse to let you support me. You’re doing enough with my grandmother. I’ll never be able to repay you for that alone.”
“Let me make one thing clear, I don’t expect any paybacks from you.”
“I have to work. It gives me satisfaction and a purpose.”
“Fine. I’ll give you a job.”
“What kind of job could you possibly offer me? Making your bandmates mixed drinks or entertaining the roadies with trivia games and BINGO?”
“Don’t belittle yourself. You’re an intelligent and capable woman.”
“I’m not belittling myself. I’m pretty tough and can handle a
lmost anything. The issue I see is I don’t exactly have any qualifications to work for a rock band. Plus, that lifestyle isn’t my cup of tea. I’ve had a glimpse of it this past week. It doesn’t really suit me.”
She had me there.
“I don’t want to leave you behind.”
“And I don’t want to be left behind. The reality is we live completely different lives. As much as I want it to, I’m not sure how this could work. What about the groupies that come on to you after shows?”
“Fuck the groupies.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about.” She sat up taller.
I laughed. “I didn’t mean literally. Why would I want to be with strange women who don’t give a crap about me? I already told you those women were meaningless fucks. Somehow, you’ve captured my heart. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But you did. And now it’s in the palm of your hand. Please don’t crush it, babe. It’s been through enough.”
“Are you a songwriter or something?” She squinted, smiling. “That was highly poetic.”
“Truthful too, so it makes it more meaningful.”
“So you know, you’ve got my heart too.”
“Then let’s not be selfish. Our hearts need each other.”
“I don’t want them to need each other. I want them to want each other. There’s a huge difference between the two. I want us to be together for the right reasons. Healthy ones.”
“I’ve been on my own for years and have ridden solo. I don’t need anyone. I’ve got the guys to lean on, but that’s what being a friend is all about. I want to be with you, Lizzie. This has nothing to do with being needy and emotional. I fell for you before losing my grandfather. You are what’s been missing from my life.”
“You really do have that songwriter thing down pat.”
“How ‘bout you? Need or want?”
“I too, have been on my own and am independent. It’s not about need with you either, something I’ve questioned myself about because everything has happened so fast. The fact I opened up to you without having a second thought solidified in my mind that this is a want thing for me too.”