by Mary Neasham
Most couples then have some sort of post-wedding celebration and many have a honeymoon as in the traditional sense.
Like any hand-fasting this wedding is not a legal one and couples wishing to become legally married should be advised to go to their local civil office where they can also have a nonreligious ceremony.
The Binding and Unbinding The actual binding of a couple’s hands causes some confusion, and again is disputed, but it is important to remember there are no proper or improper ways of doing it. The binding is symbolic and therefore can represent different things to different couples and their particular path or paths.
For couples going through a ceremony of betrothal, I would recommend a simple wrap rather than an actual binding, leaving the tying of the knot for your subsequent handfasting—if you end up having one that is. You can place as much importance on the method employed as you wish and may feel drawn to a particular style. For some people the emphasis of the ceremony is the literal physical joining, so more thought as to how you wish to be bound needs considering.
For those on a Wiccan or eclectic path, the choice of three wraps consecrated with an actual knot may be applicable, representing the forces you work with and your physical union as one. For my ceremonies I prefer this method as it is the most adaptable, but I am not averse to trying new ways and it was whilst working out a method to suit one couple that I came up with what I now call my Celtic knot. Most celebrants I have interviewed or spoken to invented their own methods, which may surprise you, but we have very little to go on historically and all methods are correct.
Some bindings are very complicated, involving more than just the couple themselves, and can incorporate the elementals and other guests; but most opt for just the couple themselves. The simplest of formats and by far the most popular is for the priestess/priest or officiate to gently wrap and tie the chosen binding material either once or three times around the outside of the couple’s clasped left hands at the mid-point where their thumbs join. This is done with the couple facing one another and holding their left or right hands as if they were about to shake them.
There is also some confusion regarding whether to place the binding on top of the couple’s hands to begin with or the bottom. As it doesn’t really matter to the gods or goddesses how you become bound, I wouldn’t get too concerned, but it is easier in my limited experience to start by laying the binding midway over the top of the hands.
Tying the knot itself presents new questions: should it be one knot or two, should it be tied in a pretty bow, and does it really matter? Well it might, to you. I think tying it in line with the thumbs looks OK and allows people to still see your rings, but you may feel strongly about above or below. If we think of above being symbolic of expansiveness and below representing security, then decide which of these symbolisms is more important to you. Do you as a couple feel your relationship is one of mutual exploration and expansiveness or of connecting to the Earth? Maybe both? Tying somewhere midway is probably the safest option and covers most people’s needs.
I personally think we can get too bogged down in these details and over-complicate what should be a relatively simple ceremony; but do what you will, safe in the knowledge that whatever you do will be what’s right for you. If you still have doubts and your chosen priest or priestess doesn’t have his or her own way of doing it, then try visualising that part of the ceremony during a planned meditation. This way you’ll get the guidance you personally need.
Many Wiccan formats insist on three wraps, symbolic of the goddess, god and finally for their love, whether it be for a year or as long as it lasts. Some goddess-oriented ceremonies see this as symbolic of the three-phase Maid, Mother and Crone and will state this whilst binding. The binding can either be this simple three-fold twist or actually tied off.
To replicate my Celtic knot design takes some practice but looks aesthetically stunning; this can be achieved with five wraps representing the elements plus the spirit. To do this one starts by wrapping on the female side by the wrist going towards the little finger, then around to the male side repeating the same movement in reverse. As you come around again, go under the male and female thumbs, coming around again diagonally towards the female’s fingers and around again to form a cross around his fingers, tying two simple reef knots at the bottom, and gently leaving any surplus material loose. I like to tie off at the bottom, as it looks better and I personally feel most couples need a symbolic grounding at this stage of the ceremony.
Some couples prefer to hold wrists and many northern traditionalists seem to prefer this type of position, again using the couple’s left hands. The number of windings differs widely, so really it is up to you, but once is often enough for today’s Norsemen and women. They also seem to opt for securing underneath.
For couples holding an eternal hand-fasting, the figure of eight symbolic of the loop of eternity is used. To achieve this, the binding material is made of one continuous thread or ribbon that is placed between the couple’s hands in a cross. Once in position, their hands are joined and the remaining material is bound around their hands, either once, thrice or five times depending on their tradition, and secured above and below— symbolic of their eternal spiritual union.
A variation of the eternal binding is for the couple to face one another, holding both hands diagonally, creating their own physical figure of eight, allowing the priestess or priest to bind at the point of this cross in any way they so wish. Another method of handholding is for the couple to place their hands equally flat together and just allow each finger to slip in place next to the other with wrists pressed against the other. This will allow the priestess or priest to bind the wrists, but this isn’t very comfortable for long periods.
These are a few of the many varied ways in which the actual binding can take place and I hope they offer some guidance and/or inspiration for you. As already mentioned the material is very much up to you, but silk ribbons are the most popular and keep indefinitely. When deciding the length of your binding material I would advise at least two to three feet for all but the eternal binding, which may have to be twice that length. Practice with string first to get it right.
Unbinding For any couple wishing to unbind at some point in the future, it is quite simple. First, go back to the person/people who bound you and ask if they can perform an unbinding. They will obviously want to establish that the relationship is definitely over before going ahead and some, including myself, would recommend they wait at least a month before committing to the ritual. Any contracts and clauses thereof must be re-negotiated regarding joint possessions so the couple can separate with the minimum of discord. The most important issue will be the arrangements for any children resulting from the union and their future happiness and security.
Once these details have been discussed, if the couple are still intent on parting a suitable date will be set for the ritual unbinding.
For some traditions it will be important to include any previous witnesses if feasible, and the original binding material also if you still have it.
Each priestess or priest will have their own way of performing this important ceremony, which is usually far briefer and more solemn than the original fasting.
The importance of unbinding cannot be stressed strongly enough, as two souls once bound will continue together in sadness as well as happiness. If not, great melancholy or even illness in extreme cases can often result. I have a friend who became hand-fasted to his partner after they had been together for about a year. Two years later she decided the relationship wasn’t working for her and broke it off, but without unbinding. My friend tried to get her to perform a separation ritual so they could both be released spiritually from each other but she refused. It transpired that she didn’t take the hand-fasting seriously in the first place despite the full ritual they went through, and saw no need for any further ‘hocus pocus’, as she put it.
My friend had a dreadful time of it and found himself quite ill through th
e attachment they still had. It also made it difficult for him to attract new love. Eventually, though he wasn’t happy with the situation, he performed a solitary unbinding to release his own spirit from its torment. Ironically his ex-partner also had a dreadful time of things and one wonders if she still is?
If you cannot arrange to use your original officiate, priestess or priest for whatever reason, and this may well be the case, then I advise you to perform your own ritual. This can be achieved fairly easily, depending on the kind of ceremony you had originally. If a circle was cast and energy raised, then try to duplicate this calling on the same energies or deities yourselves. Ask that they recognise your intent to go separately but peaceably into the world with no blame or judgement, and thank them for the love you once shared together. You can symbolically cut through the binding material and bury the pieces separately, along with any resulting bad feelings of the marriage. If yours was a non-spiritual ceremony, then get together on a prearranged day to state your unbinding and all the new arrangements that must now be put in place for your individual separate lives. This symbolic act can be of great use to couples who wish to remain friends, as well as making it easier to cope with the prospect of adjusting to a new form of relationship if children are involved.
We may not always like it, but once children are born to a couple they will invariably find their lives are still co-existent through the kids. Just because a couple aren’t living together any more doesn’t mean they won’t still have to have some sort of parental relationship, and as it is usually the children who are the biggest victims of all relationship breakdowns it’s vital that some amenable compromises can be found. Going through a ritual unbinding can heal many emotional wounds, which is why I would advise you to choose a strong waning moon and if possible hold the ceremony near some form of natural well or stream.
Occasionally couples will break down their barriers under such powerful spiritual energy and find themselves making up rather than breaking up. This is good.
4
Hand-fasting Accessories
Many of you on a pagan path may already possess a ritual robe, and it is perfectly alright for you to use this for your hand-fasting unless it is black. Black is not considered an auspicious colour to be wed in, but if you insist then use it.
Alternatively you can adapt clothing for the purpose or buy new either off the peg or hand made especially for the occasion. Most people seem to think that it is unlucky to wear an existing garment, but this is purely superstition, although from a spiritual standpoint I would advise against wearing any garment that previously belonged to a divorcee—for obvious reasons. I also feel that wearing clothing or objects connected to the deceased, unless they lived a happy life and died in natural circumstances, is inadvisable. If this seems confusing then let me explain. If granny leaves you her wedding dress and passed away peacefully but had an unhappy marriage would you wear it?
You may like to jazz up your attire a little for the occasion and many people like to either buy special jewellery or have it made. A special cloak pin or necklace could be acquired, but usually couples opt for rings. By adapting the traditional Gimmel ring of Tudor times a goddess ring can be made. Instead of the three parts being representative of the holy trinity, they can be of the three phases of the goddess or moon. Couples following a Celtic path often choose to use a Claddagh or Irish ring worn inverted as a sign you were available. If worn upright, married. These are easy to obtain from most high street jewellers.
There are no set designs for hand-fasting rings and you are free to express yourself any way you wish, but including some relevant markings even if the bands are plain will make them special to you and unique. Some couples like to opt for a design based on the elements, with some opting for chalices and others swords, pentagrams or wands. Suns and moons are also popular, as are runic markings for those of a northern persuasion.
Men are frequently drawn to the idea of wearing antlers for such occasions; this is possible but not that practical. Antlers are heavy and cumbersome and most definitely not designed for our heads, but if it works for you then fine, go ahead. An alternative would be to procure such headgear and leave it standing behind the groom during the ceremony as a relevant back drop.
Brides may wish to wear a garland of flowers in their hair and the easiest way of doing this is to use copper wire (not plastic coated garden wire) measured about four inches longer than the circumference of your head, which will allow you to twist the ends together.
Around this you can wind reeds or grass and incorporate blossom and flowers of your choice. I recommend you read up on the magical properties of trees and flowers, two examples of which can be found in further reading at the end of the book. The colours you choose for your wedding attire can be seasonally appropriate, e.g. green for Beltane or yellow for Lammas.
Ideally the cloth you choose should be man-made, not artificial, as should the binding material. Silk ribbons are acceptable, and decorated with silk leaves and flowers make for a lasting memento of the day. It is nice to prepare a small box in advance to contain this afterwards. It prevents you losing it, and by placing it in your box together you are again taking care to protect the binding. Keeping this under the marriage bed is thought to be auspicious.
Some Wiccans like the people responsible for calling the quarters to wear something of the colour pertaining to the element they are responsible for, and one couple I know had a local potter make up simple pendants of green, yellow, red and blue for this. If you are concerned with protection then placing suitable herbs such as rosemary and sage around your circle will help, as will the burning of suitable home-made incense on the altar.
The priest or priestess chosen for the day will discuss all these details with you in advance, and should encourage you to make as much as possible for yourself. It’s your day, after all.
Some couples like to have a little gift for each of their guests ready at the end of the ceremony, and exchanges such as these are very popular and traditional. The gift doesn’t have to cost much but if you have made it yourselves then it will strengthen the luck of the recipient. Home-made sweets wrapped in small pouches are nice and originate from a traditional Viennese custom in medieval times known as wedding favours.
Like all weddings, hand-fastings need pre-planning and preparation, so depending on how large an affair you want it to be you need to decide how far ahead to start. Obviously for most couples the decision to ‘do it’ is the first step but there are many other considerations including invitations.
An invitation to a hand-fasting can be shop-bought or handmade. I know of one couple who even went to the lengths of making their own paper for this! If the budget allows, you could have some specially printed up. It could look something like the following.
Megan Griffiths & Neil Jones
Invite you to their Hand-Fasting To be held on Tuesday 1 May
At Longbarrow Meadow Newlodge
Greenshire
from 11.30 am to sunset RSVP Ideally the longer notice you give people the better, a year being thought long enough but six months is probably the shortest time you should allow.
Something we haven’t touched on up until now is the compatibility of family and spiritual friends. Many modern pagans have non-pagan family and friends to consider, so it’s important you inform them fully of what to expect in case any of them object to being a part of it. This is especially relevant when attending a magical ceremony during which circles are cast and energy is raised. The last thing any couple need is uncle John collapsing in hysterics and reducing your day to ridicule.
Most couples I know are sensitive to this likelihood and to avoid problems will either have a civil wedding that all can attend, including the uncle Johns of this world, and a separate day of spiritual hand-fasting for their pagan family or coven. If you are lucky enough to be surrounded only by spiritual people then this doesn’t have to be a consideration.
For any couple who prefer not to legall
y marry but do want a spiritual hand-fasting, then my only advice is to think very carefully about whom you invite and make sure everyone attending is made fully aware of what it will entail. One way around this predicament is to ask the priest or priestess to print out the ceremony in advance and send a copy of it to all your expected guests—forewarned is forearmed—and you can then stress the seriousness of the ritual and any potential protagonists will hopefully be put off coming.
The altar is an important part of the day and you need to think ahead regarding what you will be using as one. You might be lucky enough to be using somewhere that already has a natural altar available, such as a bench or stone slab, but for most people it involves having to take one with them, the size and weight of which will largely depend on how far you have to walk once you arrive at your destination. I know of one couple that fell madly in love with a secret meadow tucked away on the far side of some ancient coppiced woodland, but sadly had to relinquish their desire to hold their hand-fasting in this beautiful spot because it would have been entirely impractical to do so. Not only would it have meant dragging all the ‘bits’ they needed with them, but for the more elderly and unsteady members of their coven it would be an impossible trek. Reluctantly they settled for the entrance of the woods and the natural cover of an already existing work area and fire, but in the end it made for a sensible alternative, offering direct access to the car park and facilities. So that they could still use the meadow in some capacity they gained permission to sleep there for the wedding night and literally honey-mooned under the full moon.
The altar can be as simple as a pasting table covered with an appropriate cloth or in the above case we used two oak stools with an ash bench placed on top which sufficed very well for the occasion. You will need to negotiate with your intended priest or priestess over the items you place on it and make sure they are put in the relevant positions, i.e. earth in the north, air in the east, fire in the south and water in the west. Your priest or priestess might prefer to use his or her own ritual tools for the ritual and may object to using yours, so don’t be surprised or offended.