How to Speak Boy

by Tiana Smith

  But the rest of the weekend was eternally long. I threw myself into finishing my mom’s site, but even that wasn’t enough to distract me. It looked amazing, though. Even I was impressed with myself. My mom was over the moon and took me out for ice cream when we officially pushed it live, which was the best feeling ever.

  I uploaded some of the pre-dance pictures to her Instagram and obsessed over all the comments saying things like “Couple Goals,” “I’m obsessed,” or “SO CUTE, I DIE.” Like that wasn’t enough to give me a complex.

  By the time Monday rolled around, I was so anxious I tore out of my seat when the final bell rang in AP Government. I placed my latest reply to 15211 in his cubby, but I hadn’t given my response much thought. It wasn’t like he’d said anything especially noteworthy that had demanded all my attention.

  I returned to the seats, because Naomi was still there. She seemed to take an eternity to gather her things, and I bounced on my heels while I waited for her so we could walk to our lockers.

  “Well, someone’s in a hurry to get to speech practice today,” she said, slinging her bag over one shoulder. “I wonder why that could be?”

  She’d been at the dance. I’d told her what had happened. I didn’t have classes with Grayson this year, so Naomi had to know things were still the way we’d left them on Saturday night. Wherever that was.

  “You know why.” I tried not to roll my eyes.

  She laughed and we walked to my locker. I shoved things in as fast as I could and grabbed the books I needed. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out to see a text from Carter.

  You coming to speech practice today?

  I checked the time at the top of my phone. I wasn’t even close to being late, so I had no idea why Carter would be asking. I quickly texted him back.

  Of course. Why?

  The three dots showed up on my screen to tell me he was writing something.

  I need your help with my transitions between paragraphs. It’s too clunky. Grayson is here now, so I’ll ask him until you can get here. You’re better at that kind of thing than he is, though. What’s your ETA?

  Grayson was already there. Suddenly I wasn’t sure whether I should go to speech practice or hide out in the girl’s bathroom. I was hit with an unexplainable apprehension and inability to act. As much as I wanted answers, I didn’t know if he’d give me the answers I wanted. Sure, I wanted Grayson to like me, but the fear of him using me, or of this being some kind of a game, was like a strong cologne that drenched everything around me in stink, spoiling the entire situation. It was better to keep my expectations low. Like, Mariana Trench low.

  While the bathroom seemed like an appealing option, I forced myself to type out my response.

  I’ll be there in five minutes.

  That was how long it took me to get from my locker to the speech room if I didn’t stop to talk to anyone, and it was time I figured out what on earth was going on. No more excuses.

  I slammed my locker shut and spun to face Naomi. She must have read the trepidation on my face, because she placed her hands on my shoulders.

  “I’ll be here for you either way. With celebratory cake or depressed ice cream. Go on already. I’ll FaceTime you tonight.”

  I gave her a hug and she pushed me away, giving me a little wave as she went off.

  I turned with a sigh and made my way down the hallway. I couldn’t have read the situation wrong, could I have? I mean, he’d been the one to kiss me. I’d just reciprocated. Rather enthusiastically.

  I took the stairs two at a time, but stopped when I heard Grayson’s voice a few feet away. There was only one more bend around the stairway, so I paused to apply some lip balm. Mint flavor.

  Just in case.

  “What is it you want me to say about her?” Grayson asked. My breath caught, a smile overtaking my face. I didn’t know who he was talking to or whether he was on the phone, but I wasn’t about to peer around the corner to find out. If Grayson was talking about me, I wanted to know everything he was going to say. Sure, maybe he wasn’t talking about me, but come on, the chances were at least fifty-fifty.

  I plastered myself against the wall and tried to quiet my breathing. There was nothing I could do about the fact that I’d clomped up the stairs to this point, but since he hadn’t said anything, I didn’t think he’d noticed.

  “You seemed pretty interested when you were telling me about her a couple of weeks ago.” It was Carter’s voice. Grayson was talking to Carter. But I couldn’t puzzle out Carter’s comment. Was he saying Grayson actually wasn’t interested in me? Or was he simply plying him for more details because he cared entirely too much about my love life and I could finally see it?

  Carter kept talking and I stayed frozen. “So are you still? Do you like her?”

  “Well, yeah, I guess.” Grayson sounded confused, and I smiled. So Grayson did like me. Not only that, but he’d liked me for a few weeks now, apparently. All that meant Carter was wrong to think Grayson had been using me. Bubbles rose up in my stomach and I felt lighter than I had in forever. All those scenarios I’d refused to dream up were now a real possibility.

  Grayson kept talking and I tried to stop my clothes from rustling against the wall.

  “I feel like I can tell her anything.”

  I bit my lower lip to keep my smile from going full-on supersonic.

  “Let me get this straight,” Carter said. “Weeks ago you told me how you liked this girl, and you thought she might be the perfect girl for you, but you didn’t ask her to the dance? Quinn deserves better than you.”

  My smile dropped.

  The hallway was closing in. I’d been right to be cautious. Because if it wasn’t me they were talking about, then Grayson was definitely toying with me. Playing mind games with a frightening level of skill. I should have learned from Zara’s mistakes.

  As someone interested in marketing, I knew all too well how a picture could lie. Sure, people might have called us couple goals, but the truth was, we were the furthest thing from a couple. Grayson was trying to get close to me only so he could ruin my chances at winning state. Talk about low. I sagged against the wall and closed my eyes.

  I wasn’t going to cry, here in the hallway where anyone could see. Especially Grayson. Maybe I’d cry later, but I wasn’t about to give Grayson the satisfaction of knowing he’d made me believe, even for a minute, that he liked me. My eyes started to burn and I breathed in slowly through my nose. I took stock of the emotions raging through me right now. No, I wasn’t sad. I was angry. Angry at myself and that I’d fallen for it.

  “I didn’t know if she’d say yes,” Grayson said. His voice sounded small.

  I winced.

  I was so foolish. The most humiliating part of everything was that it had felt so real. But it hadn’t been real. It’d been a game. A ruse. A pitiful ploy that I’d fallen for, all too easily. The worst part was, I’d been warned. I knew Grayson had done this before. I shook my head as my vision blurred in front of me.

  Another realization hit me then. Carter had asked me when I was coming to speech and debate because he’d wanted to set this up. He’d planned for me to hear this. He didn’t need my help with his speech. He’d wanted to humiliate me.

  No. He was being a friend. Friends let friends know when the guy they liked was messing around. He said it himself: Quinn deserves better than you. He was trying to look out for me. Just like he had all the years of us growing up. That was what friends did.

  But knowing that didn’t make it easier to swallow. Half of me was mad at Carter, while the other half wanted to crawl into a hole and never show my face here again. To anyone, but least of all Grayson or Carter.

  Why did boys have to be such jerks? I’d tried playing by their stupid rules. I’d gone on the date. I’d followed his lead. So how come I was the one who was getting ambushed? Nothing bad happened to them, but I had my heart ripped apart. How was that fair?

  I didn’t have many options. One, I could walk
away and pretend I hadn’t heard anything. I could come back a few minutes later for speech practice and walk past Grayson like he meant nothing to me. Option two, I could confront him. True, that thought was scarier than a pop test in AP Government, but it meant things would be out in the open between Grayson and me. It wasn’t like we were strangers to conflict.

  I couldn’t take this lying down. That would mean he’d won. And I was never going to let Grayson win at anything ever again. I didn’t care if it killed me. I was going to beat him at the state competition, and every competition leading up to it if I had my way. That all started with putting him on the defensive.

  I straightened my spine and took the remaining steps around the corner so I was facing them directly. They were sitting on a step near the top, and Grayson sat up when he saw me. Surprise was written all over his face, but Carter looked apologetic.

  I shook my head and put a hand on my hip. “Hello, boys.”

  Grayson swallowed and I allowed myself a small smile as vindication burned through my veins. Served him right for looking uncomfortable. He should be 110 percent miserable.

  “Grayson, it’s so nice to hear how much you wanted to take someone else to the dance,” I said. Grayson stood up, holding his hands out in front of him like that would somehow smooth things over.

  “Quinn, you’re twisting my words.” He reached to touch my arm, but I stepped out of the way.

  “Really? Because you’re the one who said them.” I raised my eyebrows, waiting for his excuse. I was very conscious of every movement my face made. I wasn’t about to let him see how much this hurt when I could pretend indifference. Carter stood up too and I transferred my withering stare to him.

  This seemed to surprise him, when really, what did he expect? That I’d be happy he interfered?

  “Quinn, I tried to warn you—”

  I held my hands out in front of me, staving off his comments. “We’ll talk about your part in this later, Carter.”

  He made a wounded face and I felt my resolve weaken. I softened my expression, but crossed my arms. “Right now I need to talk to Grayson.”

  Grayson inhaled and tried once again to reach out for my hand. I kept my arms where they were and he dropped his.

  “I know I can be a jerk, but this isn’t one of those times, Quinn. I asked you to the dance. I … I care. I just didn’t realize it earlier.” He had the audacity to look like the admission had cost him. I scoffed.

  Sure, he cared. Cared about winning. Rather than making me feel better, the weight of his words crushed me from the inside. I forced myself to stand tall, just like 15211 had told me to. Appearing confident was more important now than ever. No way was I letting Grayson get the upper hand here. Carter shuffled his feet and looked down at the floor, maybe realizing for the first time what a big mistake he’d made. I didn’t look at him.

  “You know what?” I shrugged at Grayson. “If you really cared, then none of this”—I made a circle in the air to encompass the scene taking place—“would have happened.”

  Then I walked into the speech room, away from both of them.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Thanksgiving break was only a week away. We’d had four speech tournaments since the big blowup between Grayson and me, and somehow I’d managed to pretty much avoid him all that time. It’d been almost two months and I still couldn’t believe I’d nearly fallen for his game.

  I’d still presented the whale speech for one competition, out of spite. It was more to prove that I could still beat Grayson, even with an awful topic. I’d been surprised when he’d presented his anti-feminist speech on women in the workforce. He’d looked apologetic the whole time, shooting me looks that were surely supposed to make me forgive him. But I knew now he was trying to set me up for failure later, when it really counted, and I wasn’t going to fall for it.

  Of course, I’d won. But even that victory felt cheap because it wasn’t really a fair fight.

  After that, our competitions had evened out. I won some, I lost some. That irked me more than anything, because I really wanted Grayson to lose. Every time. Karma owed it to me. Was that really so much to ask? Sure, I’d been doing better than I had in the start of the year, but it wasn’t enough for me.

  Naomi had gone full-on bestie, meaning she iced out Grayson in the hallways and kept encouraging me to see where things went with 15211. Not only did she keep up with our letters, she thought he was the best thing to happen to me. Ever. She was enthusiastic and supportive, and I had to give her points for that.

  She ran interference with me and Grayson whenever she could, but since she wasn’t in speech and debate, there was only so much she could do. Unfortunately, Grayson and I had to plan the Thanksgiving potluck in a few days, plus the food vendors for the state tournament coming up that we were hosting, so I had to actually talk to him. Today.

  I was putting off the moment for as long as possible, hanging out in the AP Government room even though class had ended a while ago. Naomi had left, eager to see Dax before she had to go to volleyball practice. Her team had made the playoffs, so she hadn’t had a whole lot of time with him lately. I couldn’t fault her for it, even if I missed my friend. Luckily, in the last couple of months I’d had dozens of notes with 15211 to keep me company.

  I’d practically thrown myself headlong into that friendship, knowing that he, at least, wouldn’t do something like what Grayson had done to me. Without me knowing how, a lot of our interactions turned flirtier, and the attention was exactly what I needed to boost my ego. He became my crutch, the person I turned to for advice and comfort. It was seamless how it happened, and I didn’t even understand it.

  My favorite letters were stored in my desk drawer at home in my bedroom, where I actually kept them under lock and key so my mom wouldn’t read them. Whenever things weren’t going my way in speech and debate, I pulled them out to make myself feel better.

  Now that the classroom was practically empty, I finished packing my things in my bag and made my way over to the cubby wall to see if 15211 had written me back. I kept my hopes low because I’d only put a letter in this morning and he might not have had time during Ms. Navarrete’s lecture today.

  But there it was, sitting in my otherwise-empty cubby. My pulse kicked up a notch as I picked it up and opened it.

  Dear 15511,

  I’m not sure what unpleasant thingit is that you mentioned having to do later today, but I’m sure you’ll be completely fine. You’re tough like that. Well, from what I can tell from your letters at least.

  Okay, see, here’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you about. I’ve thought about this a lot lately.

  I have a really hard time letting people into my inner circle. I’ve told you that. I’ve told you so much about myself now that I’m actually a little terrified of you ever finding out who I am. But even without knowing who you are, you’ve become one of my closest friends. Is it weird to admit that?

  I think it’s time. I’m not really saying we should meet, because chances are, we’ve probably already met. But I think we should tell each other who we are.

  I stopped reading. I stopped breathing. I’d been dreading this letter, knowing it would come eventually. After exchanging so many, it was really only a matter of time. But I still hadn’t thought about how I was going to respond. The only thing in my favor was that the ball was now in my court and I didn’t have to respond right away. I should at least read the rest of the letter so I could mull things over.

  I’m not going to tell you who I am in this letter. Because then you could say no, and I’d be out of luck. So I think we should meet up, agree on a time and place, so we can actually talk. In person. (Novel concept, huh? Communicating in real time, instead of hours apart? I know, I know, bananas!)

  So I guess, actually, I am saying we should meet. What do you think? I can’t be the only one who’s thought about it. You have to know that you’ve become the person I rely on the most, even though I don’t know you.
>
  But I do know you. I know you as a person, even if I don’t know your name. I could quote Romeo with his whole “what’s in a name” thing here, but I think I’ve already gotten sappier than I’d ever want to admit, so let’s leave it at that.

  Now I’m babbling. I’m nervous. Even writing this, my hand is shaking. Can you see it in my handwriting?

  I want to know who you are. I think we could really mesh in real life. Please tell me you think so too.

  15211

  I was shaking simply reading it. Of course, I agreed with some of his points. We could mesh in real life.

  But.

  People could disappoint you. I’d learned that firsthand lately. My heart still hurt.

  I folded the paper, put it in my bag, and walked up the stairs to speech practice, trying to put 15211’s proposition out of my mind.

  Now I had two things to not look forward to.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Every year, the captain of the speech and debate team was in charge of setting up the food sponsors for the home meet. Supposedly, it was to build our leadership skills or something like that. But really, everyone knew it was because Coach hated the task.

  Usually, this wasn’t a problem because the captain called the same people every year and set up the same thing each time. It was supposed to be a piece of cake.

  Unless you were paired with a team captain who insisted on making everything as difficult as it possibly could be.

  Grayson sat across the table in the library, an intent expression on his face.

  “Their pizza tastes like cardboard, and you know it.” He shook his head. “Actually, it’s worse.”