You and Your Gender Identity

by Dara Hoffman-Fox

  Asking a Magic 8-Ball questions about your gender.

  Imagining that, if you had a genie in a bottle, you would ask the genie to make you into a gender another than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Dressing up/wishing you could dress up in Halloween costumes that were unlike ones your gender assigned at birth was expected to wear.

  Pretending to do activities that your gender assigned at birth usually doesn’t do.

  Seeing one of your parents or siblings do something you wish you could do, and maybe asking if you could too (e.g., shaving your face, painting your nails).

  Playing dress-up and wearing clothes that your gender assigned at birth usually doesn’t wear.

  Having make-believe friends who treated you like you were a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Having fantasies about being a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Having dreams in which you are a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Asking people to call you a name other than the one you were given at birth.

  Trying to make your voice sound lower- or higher-pitched.

  Connecting more often with characters in stories who were a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Having a desire to be more like certain people (celebrities, family members, coaches, etc.) who were a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Wondering if you could cut off certain parts of your body with nail clippers, floss, scissors, etc.

  Wearing clothing items that hide certain parts of your body that you didn’t want others to see and that you didn’t want to see.

  Choosing to be a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth whenever you played games.

  Wishing you could tell someone that you felt like you were a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth.

  Wishing you could accept the gender you were assigned at birth and be like everyone else.

  Are there any other examples you can think of that aren’t listed?

  To help jog your memory, here are a few I have gathered from the Conversations with a Gender Therapist Facebook community:62

  “I used to wish there was a disease I could get and ‘sex change surgery’ was the only cure for it.”

  “I used to pretend like I was a boy by putting a toilet paper roll between my legs and would pee standing up.”

  “I used to get under my covers and pretend I was in my mother’s womb, and then pretend I was being born again but this time as a girl.”

  “Sometimes I would think about that if I died and got reincarnated, that I’d come back as a boy.”

  “I learned from my grandpa that if you put salt on a snail that it would shrink and die. I remember pouring a pile of salt on the ground and sitting on it without my pants on, hoping it would make my you-know-what fall off.”

  “When I learned that they sold hormones at the pharmacy I thought about ways I could break into it and get them.”

  Something else you can do to get in touch with your Child Self is watch videos or read stories online about present-day children who have told their parents they do not feel aligned with their gender assigned at birth. Many of these kids are being listened to and believed. They are being told, “What you are saying sounds important, and we want to help with this.”

  You can do a search online for stories about children who are transitioning, as well as find links at the end of this section.

  Do you see any hints of yourself in the stories about these kids?

  GETTING TO THE TRUTHS OF YOUR PRESENT-DAY SELF

  You can glean a lot of information from your Child Self. But your Present-Day Self has plenty to offer up as well. It may take a little prodding to get there, but it is worth the effort.

  One of the most effective ways to connect more deeply with your Present-Day Self is through creativity. Being creative helps you shift away from your Thinking Self into your more Imaginative Self. Your Imaginative Self can go places your Thinking Self can’t get to, doesn’t want to get to, or isn’t sure how to get to.

  What follows are creative prompts that are meant to put your Imaginative Self into the driver’s seat for a while. You can answer as few or as many of them as you want.

  Place a checkmark next to any of these creative prompts you are open to trying out. Set aside time to pursue them and keep track of what you discover.

  “If I knew I was going to die tomorrow …” What do you like about how you’ve lived your life? What would you wish you could have changed?

  Do you project jealousy or anger toward people because of their gender? If so, why do you do this?

  Do you research gender and gender identity to a point where it has begun to feel like an obsession? If so, why?

  If you are “mistaken” for a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, how does that feel?

  What characters do you connect with the most in stories? What are they like? Why do you connect with them?

  How is your gender perceived by others? How okay are you with this? Do you wish it could be different?

  If you could ask a genie in a bottle to change something concerning your gender, what would that be?

  Do you feel like you over-masculinize or over-feminize? If so, why?

  If you could leave behind your current life and move somewhere else and start a new life, would you? If so, what would that new life look like?

  When you look in the mirror, are there things you see that you feel you can’t relate to? If so, what are they?

  Do you ever feel like you are wearing a mask or a costume, or that you are acting a certain part? Explain.

  If you knew that certain people or attachments you have in your life would be unaffected by any major changes you were to make in your life in regard to your gender, would you make those changes? Explain.

  Do you feel the same or different from the gender you are seen as by those closest to you?

  How do you feel in gender-segregated spaces?

  What areas of your life do you feel are affected by your gender identity confusion?

  There are many ways you can creatively explore these questions. For example:

  • Through writing: exploring them through journaling; letter writing (to yourself or others); fiction writing; poetry.

  • Through video: filming yourself talking about these questions; creating a video montage of images of yourself over the course of your life.

  • Through audio: recording yourself talking about these questions; talking out the questions without recording yourself.

  • Through photos: creating photo collages or montages, using pictures of yourself and/or pictures from magazines, websites, etc.

  • Through art: using mediums such as painting, pottery, sculpting.

  • Through music: playing instruments; singing; writing songs; making music mixes.

  • Through nature: being in a natural environment in which you can clear your head and let the answers come to you; spending time with animals.

  • Through spiritual means: prayer; meditation; visualization; yoga; retreats.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  Giving Your Thinking Self a Break

  At the beginning of this chapter, we touched upon how your Bodyguard, when in a heightened state of alertness, can work in unison with your Thinking Self. Sometimes this works out well, like when your Bodyguard has information they want you to carefully analyze, inspect, and interpret. Other times, such as when your Bodyguard really starts to freak out, they partner with your Thinking Self in ways that can cause suffering and agony.

  In this exercise, we will look at how you can recognize when this has happened, as well as ideas for what you can do about it.

  KNOWING WHEN IT’S
TIME FOR A BREAK

  You can tell when your Thinking Self has reached the point of needing a time out when your thoughts cause you an extreme level distress. You can recognize this by paying attention to when you experience:

  • High anxiety

  • Obsessive ruminating/deep thinking

  • Debilitating fear

  • Over-analysis

  • The inability to stop your thoughts with other thoughts

  • Self-bullying thoughts

  • A downward spiral into depression, self-loathing, hopelessness

  • Exhausting confusion that leads to paralysis, stopping, turning back

  This is then the time to let your Thinking Self take a break and let your gut take over for a while.

  SETTLING DOWN YOUR THINKING SELF

  When your Thinking Self kicks into high gear it stirs up powerful emotions as well. Once your emotions get involved, it is far more difficult to detach from those thoughts and you can get stuck in them, as if they were quicksand.

  Therefore, before you can turn to your gut, you’ll need to give your Thinking Self the chance to gradually wind down, let go, and give up control for a little while. Here is how you can give your Thinking Self this opportunity to rest:

  Step 1: Become aware that your Thinking Self has gone to the extreme. If you are able to recognize the symptoms above as they are happening, you can step in and give your Thinking Self permission to take a well-deserved time out.

  Step 2: Turn to your Self-Care Checklist. Pick an activity from your Self-Care Checklist that can take your mind off things. Remember not to do it to excess; just long enough to take the edge off and to return you to a more centered state.

  What are three activities from your Self-Care Checklist that you can use to help your Thinking Self take a break?

  Step 3: Recognize when you are in a calmer state of mind. Once you are in this less agitated state, you can gently revisit one of the topics you tend to over-analyze, ruminate on, bully yourself over, etc., and approach it with your gut instead.

  APPROACHING YOUR QUESTIONS FROM YOUR GUT

  Let’s look at how you can invite your gut into the picture to help you answer the questions your Thinking Self has been working overtime to try to answer.

  1. Ask an Open-Ended Question

  Asking open-ended questions creates an environment in which your gut can feel safe in sharing the truth. Examples of these types of questions are:

  “Does ___________ feel right?”

  “Does ___________ help me feel more comfortable?”

  “Does ___________ help me feel better?”

  “Do I enjoy ___________?”

  “Am I happier when I ___________?”

  “Do I feel at ease when I ___________?”

  “When I’m not doing ___________, do I feel uncomfortable?”

  “When I’m not feeling ___________, do I feel worse?”

  Fill in the above blanks with what has come up for you over the course of reading this book. You can also include any other experiences you have previously had or that you can imagine happening at some point in the future.

  2. Pay Attention to Feelings and Sensations

  The initial answer will often come as a feeling, a sensation, a physical reaction, or all three at once. Examples of this are peace, calm, serenity, sadness, grief, joy, pleasure, tingling, tightness, shortness of breath, comfort, surprise, fear, clarity, certainty, nervousness, lightheadedness, racing heart, pain, love.

  At a later point, this may be followed by a clarifying thought, which will put words to what you are feeling and sensing. However, don’t lose sight of the original information your gut was sharing with you—your gut is where your truth is coming from.

  3. Be Patient

  It may take several attempts to get your gut to respond. A friend once told me that you could imagine your truth as a frightened kitten (or any baby animal of your choice) that doesn’t know if it can trust you. Approach this part of yourself as you would this kitten. Don’t push it too fast or too hard. Simply let it approach at its own pace.

  If you make a practice of turning to your gut for answers, your question, “Is this really what’s going on!?” will begin to subside as your truth continues to reveal itself to you.

  IMPORTANT NOTE: If you attempt to use these methods to minimize your symptoms and they do not subside and/or get worse, consider getting a mental health evaluation to screen for other possible physical, emotional, and/or mental causes.

  CHECK-IN TIME

  Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?

  FURTHER RESOURCES

  Erdely, Sabrina Rubin. “About a Girl: Coy Mathis’ Fight to Change Gender.” Rolling Stone. October 28, 2013. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/about-a-girl-coy-mathis-fight-to-change-change-gender-20131028.

  Feeley, Sarah. “Raising Ryland: A Film.” Raising Ryland. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://www.raisingryland.com/.

  Gruener, Posey, and Marcie Sillman. “When Do Kids Know They’re Transgender? Younger Than You’d Think.” KUOW News and Information. January 20, 2016. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://kuow.org/post/when-do-kids-know-they-re-transgender-younger-youd-think.

  Jackson, Debi. “Avery’s Story.” YouTube. May 6, 2015. Accessed December 10, 2016. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUN75MGqdpU.

  Jennings, Jazz. “Jazz Jennings: When I First Knew I Was Transgender.” Time. May 31, 2016. Accessed December 10, 2016. http://time.com/4350574/jazz-jennings-transgender/.

  61 Some of these examples could indicate sexual orientation confusion instead of (or in addition to) gender identity confusion. For instance, if, while growing up, someone didn’t realize they were allowed to be attracted to the same gender, they might have a desire to be the opposite gender for this reason. This is a layer we explored further in Chapter 5, in case this is something you are wondering about yourself as well.

  62 Dara Hoffman-Fox, Conversations with a Gender Therapist. Facebook post, n.d., https://www.facebook.com/darahoffmanfoxlpc/posts.

  Chapter 12

  Wrestling with Uncertainty

  There are few aspects of the gender identity journey that aren’t touched by uncertainty. I’ve seen the issues covered in this chapter come up with great frequency in my work with those who are questioning and exploring their gender identity. Wrestling with these questions and doubts is an essential part of the self-discovery process. It is the phase in the Hero’s Journey where one is faced with tests and enemies, and it determines who their true allies are.

  This chapter will teach you ways you can increase your chances of being able to successfully navigate this portion of the journey, namely by returning to the concept of breaking things down layer by layer as a way of taking a nice big breath in the midst of all of the confusion.

  Simplifying the process in this way will help you:

  • Focus your attention on one thing at a time.

  • Gain clarity as you analyze each question on its own.

  • Broaden your understanding of yourself as a multi-layered individual.

  The Layers of Your Gender Discomfort

  At this point in the journey, it should be clear to you that something feels stressful about the way you experience your gender assigned at birth, both personally and publicly. Now that you’ve worked through a significant portion of this book, you might even have ideas as to what some of these areas of concern could be.

  For some, this sense of something being amiss may feel only mildly disturbing, without resulting in a problematic emotional response. For others, this feeling of discord can reveal itself in a way that is extremely unsettling, becoming so strong that it is difficult for you to function.

  In this exercise, we are going to take a closer look at the discomfort you might be experiencing with your gender assigned at birth.
Being able to pinpoint when, how often, and how intensely this discomfort is felt can help you discover more specific information about yourself in relation to your gender identity. You’ll be doing this by breaking down these possible areas of discomfort with your gender assigned at birth into subcategories and explore them one by one:

  Physical Discomfort

  Social Discomfort

  Mental Discomfort

  WHY USE THE TERM DISCOMFORT?

  In the exercise What Gender Identity Is and Isn’t (page 123), you learned that one of the definitions of gender dysphoria is “discomfort or distress that is caused by a discrepancy between a person’s gender identity and that person’s sex assigned at birth and the associated gender role and/or primary and secondary sex characteristics.”63

  Although the word dysphoria could have been used throughout this exercise instead of discomfort, it is important you are able to explore how you are feeling without having the pressure of fitting a possible mental health diagnosis. You may end up being able to use what you learn from this exercise to describe your experience to mental health and/or medical professionals. Put that aside for now. You’ll be able to bring it back into the picture in Chapter 14.

  In this exercise, we’ll be using discomfort as a blanket term to summarize the feeling one gets when something feels inaccurate about one’s gender identity. Another way of looking at it is that you are feeling comfortable and then something happens that results in your feeling discomfort. The Questionnaire you filled out on page 116 got you thinking about when those situations come up for you, as well as just how much they end up bothering you. All of this being said, if you feel like the term discomfort is one you don’t connect with, be sure to choose a term that better suits your individual experience.

  Before you begin to examine the levels of discomfort associated with your gender, keep this in mind:

  You do not have to experience certain levels of gender discomfort in order to prove to yourself (or others) that you are (or are not) transgender and/or nonbinary.