You and Your Gender Identity
Page 18
This section is meant to help gather more information about yourself—the way you interpret and use this information is completely up to you.
A CLOSER LOOK AT PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT
When you filled out the Questionnaire (page 116), you answered questions addressing your physical self. These items explored how you felt (and currently feel) about your:
• Height
• Bone structure
• Body shape
• Hand and foot size
• Facial structure
• Voice
• Body hair
• Head hair
• Adam’s apple
• Genitals
• Chest
• Level of comfort with physical intimacy
• Presence/lack of a menstrual cycle
• Ability (or inability) to conceive a child
Referring back to your answers from the Questionnaire, circle the items above that could possibly be connected with physical discomfort you have been experiencing with your gender assigned at birth. List any particular thoughts and/or feelings associated with this on the lines below.
Physical discomfort that is gender related could be caused by someone or something externally. It also frequently occurs in private.
Read through the examples below and place a checkmark next to the scenarios in which you think you may have experienced gender-related physical discomfort.
When you are in the shower
When you are changing clothes
When you look in the bathroom mirror and/or full-length mirror
When you are using the toilet
When you are masturbating
When you are having sex
When you are exercising
When you get an erection (for those assigned male at birth)
When you menstruate (for those assigned female at birth)
Are there certain times, places, and situations where discomfort with your physical self (in relation to your gender) is higher than others? Write about them here:
How often does this happen, on average (e.g., several times a day, once a day, several times a week, every couple of weeks)?
How would you describe the intensity of your physical discomfort in these situations?
Rank your overall physical discomfort on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not intense at all and 10 being extremely intense.
A CLOSER LOOK AT SOCIAL DISCOMFORT
Your social self includes your interactions and relationships with your family, your friends, your acquaintances, your coworkers, and the general public. This includes those you know in person as well as through social media and other online means. It also includes those you talk with on a regular basis and those you rarely spend time with.
Because you are seen, addressed, and interacted with continually, studying your social interactions can be a useful way to reveal discomfort that might be present in relation to your gender.
When you filled out the Questionnaire, you also answered questions addressing your social self. These items explored how you felt (and currently feel) about:
• The way you are addressed when your name isn’t used (e.g., ma’am, sir, ladies, fellas, lad, lass)
• Your first name
• Being addressed by your assigned-at-birth gender pronouns
• Being addressed by gendered adjectives such as pretty or handsome
• Using the public restrooms/changing rooms that you are expected to based on your current gender presentation
• Your hairstyle
• Your current wardrobe
• Wearing (or not wearing) makeup
• Wearing (or not wearing) earrings, having (or not having) piercings and/or tattoos, and carrying (or not carrying) certain accessories
• Assumptions others make about you based on their perception of your gender
• The way your family addresses you when not using your name (e.g., son/daughter, niece/nephew, mother/father, etc.)
• When you are separated into groups according to your perceived gender
Referring back to your answers from the Questionnaire, circle the items above that could possibly be connected with social discomfort you have been experiencing with your gender assigned at birth. List any particular thoughts and/or feelings associated with this on the lines below.
Are there certain times, places, and situations where discomfort with your social self (in relation to your gender) is higher than others? Write about them here:
How often does this happen, on average (e.g., several times a day, once a day, several times a week, every couple of weeks)?
How would you describe the intensity of your social discomfort in these situations?
Rank your overall social discomfort on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not intense at all and 10 being extremely intense.
A CLOSER LOOK AT MENTAL DISCOMFORT
Mental discomfort is something that can be present at all times, which is why there weren’t specific questions on the Questionnaire asking about its presence in your life. Mental discomfort has to do with the way your individual brain is wired, gender-wise. Conflict can arise when you experience a difference between your physical body and this wiring. It can also come up when others perceive you as your gender assigned at birth and your wiring lets you know that this feels inaccurate.
Mental discomfort can be difficult for someone to pinpoint and describe. That’s because:
• It’s possible it has been there for so long that, to a certain extent, you have gotten used to it.
• You figure it must be the way you are supposed to be feeling and you just need to live with it.
• You don’t know what else to attribute that feeling to.
In her article “That Was Dysphoria? 8 Signs and Symptoms of Indirect Gender Dysphoria,” Zinnia Jones states, “Some of us suffer the distress that stems from dysphoria, but without many clues that this is about gender, and its relation to our genders may be obvious only in retrospect.”64 In other words, the actual frequency and intensity of your mental discomfort might not reveal itself until after you begin to make changes that help to align your mind and body with your gender identity.
Here are ways I have heard my clients describe the experience of no longer experiencing mental discomfort after taking steps to physically and socially harmonize themselves with their gender identity:
“I had no idea how much irritability/dissatisfaction/stress I was feeling on a regular basis until I …”
“I didn’t know how depressed/anxious I actually was until I …”
“I never knew how much I wasn’t ‘me’ until I …”
“I never knew what peace could feel like until I …”
“I had no clue how cluttered my mind has been all of my life until I …”
“Having to wear ‘guy’ clothes to work didn’t bother me (or at least I didn’t think it did) until I …”
“Being addressed by my birth name used to be fine, but it definitely isn’t anymore now that I …”
“I didn’t realize how disconnected I was from my body, myself, my life, until I …”
Circle any of the above statements which sound intriguing to you. Then, take a few moments to describe in more detail what this brings up for you.
Are there certain times, places, and situations where discomfort with your mental self (in relation to your gender) is higher than others? Write about them here:
How often does this happen, on average (e.g., several times a day, once a day, several times a week, every couple of weeks)?
How would you describe the intensity of your mental discomfort in these situations?
Rank your overall mental discomfort on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not intense at all and 10 being extremely intense.
New information about your gender identity will be revealed to you as you continue to work through this guide. These discoveries will more than likely bring to light mental discomfort you may not have been aw
are of. You can reassess your answers on this chart, as well as any of the others, at any point on the journey.
Discerning the difference between having mental discomfort around your gender identity and it being something unrelated to gender can be a complicated process. Make a note of these concerns below—we will be exploring this in an exercise called Is It Actually This … Or Is It Just That? on page 182.
SUMMARIZING YOUR ANSWERS
Discovering where you have (and don’t have) gender-related discomfort in your life will empower you to address the areas in need of most urgent attention.
What number did you rank your overall physical discomfort? __________
What number did you rank your overall social discomfort? __________
What number did you rank your overall mental discomfort? __________
Use the chart below to rank your responses in each of these categories. That way you can see all three categories side by side, giving you the big picture of your current gender discomfort.
You may have learned enough in this exercise to somewhat foreshadow where your thinking is headed on this. For now, take note of these numbers and keep them in mind as you journey onward. Using the blank charts on the following pages, revisit your answers in the coming days to see if your numbers decrease or intensify.
CHECK-IN TIME
Take a few minutes to record how you feel now that you’ve finished this exercise. What did you learn about yourself? What was challenging about this exercise? What did you gain from this exercise?
FURTHER RESOURCES
Finch, Sam Dylan, “Not All Transgender People Have Dysphoria—And Here are 6 Reasons Why That Matters.” Everyday Feminism, August 13, 2015,) http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/not-all-trans-folks-dysphoria/.
Is It Actually This … Or Is It Just That?
When it comes to wrestling with uncertainty, one of the most complicated steps on the journey is to work through what I call the “Is it actually this … or is it just that?” layer. If you take the time to examine this highly complex layer, you will be able to prevent what could be months (even years) of your gender identity journey being derailed. These questions create the issues we discussed in Giving Your Thinking Self a Break (page 165). They are what cause your Thinking Self to spinning wildly out of control, leading to a temptation to completely call off your gender identity exploration.
Let’s start peeling apart this layer by approaching the question, “Is it actually this … or is it just that?” in two separate steps.
“IS IT ACTUALLY THIS … ?”
“This” can filled in with a variety of statements, and are particular to the person who is asking the question. A few examples are:
“Am I really trans/transgender … ?”
“Do I really have gender dysphoria … ?”
“Am I really a guy/man/male … ?”
“Am I really a girl/woman/female … ?”
“Am I really not a male/female … ?”
“Am I really nonbinary … ?”
“Do I really need to transition socially and/or medically from my gender assigned at birth … ?”
Are any of these statements ones you can relate to? If so, place a checkmark next to those. If not, what would you fill in for this part of the question?
“ … OR IS IT JUST THAT?”
The options for the second part of the question are limitless. That’s because every person who is going through a gender identity journey will be coming at it from their own unique perspective. Over the years of working with clients who are in search for answers about their gender identity, I have heard many examples of these types of questions, some of which you will find below.
Place a check next to any question you can relate to:
“ … is it just a reaction to having experienced trauma during my childhood?”
“ … am I really just gay/lesbian?”
“ … is it just a fetish?”
“ … is this really just an escape from reality?”
“ … am I really a cross-dresser?”
“ … is it because I want male privilege?”
“ … can I just be a drag queen/king?”
“ … is this just a ‘phase’?”
“ … maybe I’m just androgynous?”
“ … am I just delusional or ‘crazy’?”
“ … is this just a ‘kink’?”
“ … maybe I just have a girl side/guy side that needs to come out?”
“ … I’m just tired of the responsibilities and challenges that come from being a [fill in gender assigned at birth]?”
“ … is it because I’m jealous of how much easier it seems like it would be to be a [fill in something other than your gender assigned at birth]?”
“ … is it really just pent-up sexual energy?”
“ … do I just admire [fill in gender] so much that I think I want to be that?”
“ … is this just a general life crisis?”
“ … maybe I just need to release pent up feminine/masculine energy?”
“ … is it really just a symptom of my [fill in a mental health diagnosis]?”
“ … was I taught (and now believe) that there is something negative about the gender I was assigned at birth?”
“ … am I just having a midlife crisis?”
“ … maybe I can just release this feeling in other ways?”
“ … can I just let go of some of the stereotypes associated with my gender assigned at birth that I’m uncomfortable with?”
“ … am I just looking for a new identity?”
“ … is this just the way you’re supposed to feel during puberty?”
“ … is this really just autogynephilia?”
“ … am I just desperate to find any answer as to why I feel so depressed/hopeless?”
“ … am I just lonely and looking for a community?”
“ … am I just wanting to be a rebel?”
“ … am I just projecting my wish to be able to have a romantic partner that is the gender I was not assigned at birth?”
Are there any examples not listed that you fill in for the second part of the question?
WHY DO SO MANY QUESTIONS COME UP?
“Why can’t there just be a test that gives me the answer to this?” The reality is that there isn’t a blood test, online test, or brain scan that can give a 100 percent accurate answer to the question, “Is it actually this … ?” There are things you can do to try to get as close as possible to your answer, such as working through this guide. However, when it comes down to it, you are the one who has to make the call.
This responsibility can carry a lot of pressure. You may have to self-report your findings to mental health and medical professionals, family, friends, employers, colleagues, and community members. You get to a point where you have to be able to say, to yourself and others, “This is what is going on with me. I have no ‘proof,’ so you’ll just have to take my word for it.”
Trying to convince yourself that your experience of your gender identity is valid, real, and true can be an incredible challenge. This is why it is understandable for someone to have an endless supply of questions around the theme, “Is it actually this … or is it just that?” You want to be sure, as sure as you can be, that this is what’s really going on with you. Therefore, you’re going to toss around all of the possibilities, over and over, in the hopes of getting closer to the truth.
While there is no guarantee you will be able to answer these questions with 100 percent certainty, there are ways you can simplify the process that can help you work through them.
TIPS ON HOW TO APPROACH YOUR QUESTIONS
Your questions are going to be unique to you and your experience, which means there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to this. However, something most everyone has in common is the feeling of constantly debating with one’s self about what is going on and looking for ways to find the truth amid all the noise.
The following
tips can be used as tools for working through this type of confusion and uncertainty:
Watch for internalized transphobia: When you ask yourself these questions, pay attention to the internal tone of voice in which you hear them. Is it curious, or is it bullying? If you are picking up on a bullying tone, be sure to revisit Becoming Aware of Internalized Transphobia in Chapter 8 (page 102) and stay vigilant for its presence.
Seek out counseling: If it is within your means to do so, talk with a counselor about your questions. This can give you a chance to explore these questions with a neutral party and give clarity as to how much they do or don’t pertain to your gender identity. You can also use counseling as a way to address a multitude of issues you may be struggling with: healing from childhood abuse, dealing with loneliness, testing for depression, etc. You may have deeper issues than you are currently aware of. If so, there’s a chance they are impairing your ability to accurately interpret what’s going on inside of you.
Conduct tests and experiments: You can approach your questions as if they are theories you want to prove or disprove. This involves trying out different things to see if they help you reach a conclusion. We’ll be going into a lot more detail as to how you can do this in an exercise in Chapter 13 called Conducting Your Own Tests and Experiments (page 205).
Give it time: As anxious as you might be to get to the bottom of things, be careful not to rush the process. You need time to conduct tests and experiments and to reflect on your results. You might need time to go to counseling to explore some of these questions in greater depth and/or work through them on your own.
Wait before taking irreversible actions: This does not mean you should wait until you feel 100 percent certain—that day will more than likely never come. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t make changes or take risks that can reveal important information about yourself. It means to be cautious if you are thinking of doing something that could result in a significant impact on your life and the lives of those closest to you. It’s not to say there won’t be a time and a place for that, but make sure you have explored your uncertainties enough to gain as much clarity as you can.