Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  Harry glanced up and did his best attempt at a grin, baring his teeth.

  Dillbilly’s expression almost slipped, his hand retreating under the table instinctively. “Easy there, friend.”

  “Do you have peets-za?” Harry asked.

  Dillbilly relaxed and slid his hand back onto the counter. “Oh, yessir-ee, I sure do, friend.”

  “Oh yay,” Harry replied. “Say, my friends call me Harry.”

  “Do they, now? That’s great. My friends call me Dillbilly.”

  Harry wandered in front of the right-most display, featuring several pale, flat slices of pizza that only vaguely resembled the pictures outside.

  “Oh, yes, you got a hankerin’ for the pizza,” said Dillbilly, shuffling over. “How many slices do you fancy, Harry?”

  Harry didn’t have to check with Buddy to know that he was beyond ready to eat. “I’ll take all of them, please.”

  Dillbilly’s face widened into big smile. “All of them? Oh, sure. I’ll throw in a free drink on the side.”

  “A drink would be lovely.”

  Dillbilly grabbed a tray and began removing slices from the display.

  Harry glanced over to see what Redbeard was up to.

  The ginger giant held up some sort of jar, its lid in one hand, sniffing at its contents. Inside floated several short, stout, greenish-brown cylinders vaguely resembling Dillbilly.

  “What are you looking at?” Harry called out.

  Redbeard puffed his lower lip out and put the lid back on. “Nuffin’. Bugger off an’ eat yer pizza.”

  Dillbilly straightened and placed the tray on the counter, just under Harry’s nose. He nodded toward Redbeard’s jar. “Those beauts are a specialty item ... Dill’s lil’ dills.” He raised his voice for Redbeard’s benefit. “I’ll give y’all a deal on those, fine sirs. Two fer one.”

  Redbeard straightened and gave a small nod. Then he reached over and grabbed a second jar.

  “How ‘bout I send over a kart for you, sir?” Dillbilly asked, his voice still raised. “Y’all look like you might be needin’ a few things.”

  Redbeard shrugged and turned back to examining the shelves.

  A little self-driving hoverkart appeared from behind the counter and slinked over to the pirate’s side.

  Redbeard frowned down at the kart and took a step backward. “Yer not fixin’ to perv on me, arrr ya?” he asked.

  “Excuse me?” Dillbilly managed a smile.

  “Better na’ be any cameras on tha little kart, pervin’ on me bottom, else I’ll rip it apart.”

  Harry’s host was edging up to the counter, snout raised to within inches of the pizza slices on the tray.

  Dillbilly instinctively pulled the tray back a few inches. “Oh, no worries, big guy. No cameras.”

  Harry didn’t try to stop Buddy as his mouth tracked the tray closely, his head now resting on the counter.

  “Ah ah ah.” Dillbilly leaned in. “Y’all have to pay for it first. ‘Sides, you still haven’t picked out a drink.”

  Harry nestled into Buddy’s spine and willed his head back from the counter. “Sorry, Dillbilly. I don’t have any money.”

  Dillbilly leaned in even closer. “‘Scuse me?”

  Harry shifted from hoof to hoof. “Well, uh, Redbeard is paying. I’m awfully hungry. Can I eat now?”

  Dillbilly straightened and glanced at Redbeard, who was piling item after item into the cart. The merchant reached a green hand up and scratched his head. “Oh, alright,” he said. “I don’t see why not. Pick out a drink and I’ll show you to the hospitality area.”

  Harry relaxed. “Do you have water?”

  “Pah, you don’t want water. I got some other mighty tasty drinks, Harry.” Dillbilly stepped back and gestured at a bank of nozzles. “I got sweet drinks that taste like cherries. Energizing fizzies that pop in your mouth. Slurzies that twist your tongue…”

  “Ooo, slurzies? That sounds silly,” Harry said, trying to imagine what it’d feel like to have a drink physically twist his host’s tongue.

  “Great choice, friend.” Dillbilly grabbed a cup and pressed a button at the bank of nozzles. Then he turned back around and placed the cup, which now emitted fizzing and crackling sounds, on the tray next to the stacks of pizza. “Alright, Harry, follow me right over here.”

  Harry pranced around behind Dillbilly, following across the store to the far corner where there were several round tables, surrounded by small plastic chairs.

  Dillbilly set the tray down on a tabletop and moved a chair out of the way. “Here you go, friend,” he said, and then lowered his voice. “Say, you ever thought about being a star?”

  Harry nosed up to the tray, his open mouth just about to grab onto a slice of pizza. He paused to process the question. “A star? Like a bright light in space?”

  “No,” Dillbilly said with a sly smile. “I’m talkin’ about the kind of star folks from all over the galaxy get a jonesin’ to visit. The kind of star that folks pay to see.” He stretched his arms out wide. “Picture it. Your face on billboards in every system. Harry, the talking donkey, exclusively at Dillbilly’s General Store.”

  Billboards ... like the ones they’d seen on the asteroids? People coming from all over the galaxy to see him? No one had ever offered to make Harold a star before, although Redbeard had offered to space him more than once.

  Still ... he was hungry.

  And it was hard to think straight when his host was hungry. “I’ve never thought about having my picture up before,” Harry said. “Mind if I eat and think it over?”

  Dillbilly straightened and tugged on the shoulder straps of his overalls. “Of course, of course. Eat up, friend. I’ll leave you to it. Find me at the counter when you’re ready to talk about it.”

  Harry ignored the retreating merchant. He was too busy staring at the countless slices of pizza stacked up before his eyes.

  Finally, we get to eat something! Hopefully Buddy liked pizza. He relaxed his control over his eager host and let him get to work on the pizza and the Slurzie beverage. The food was lukewarm at best, but no one minded. This was easily one of the best moments of their lives ... ever.

  Harry didn’t once pause to consider if pizza might be less than healthy for his host.

  13

  Buddy was slowing down on the pizza. His stomach felt like a brick and there were still two slices left.

  The Slurzie had been entertaining, if a little disappointing. The sweet beverage fizzled and popped inside his mouth as he slurped, causing the donkey to jump back, almost tipping the drink over. But, Harry was disappointed to find there was no other effect on the tongue. That’s when he noticed the display screen on the adjacent wall. “Ooo, TV!”

  Buddy’s stomach gurgled.

  Harry ignored the sensation. He was too captivated by the exciting images flashing across the screen. This was just like the one at the gas terminal, only a lot bigger. With a start, he recognized a face on the screen.

  “Hey, Redbeard! Redbeard? I didn’t know you were a star!”

  The sounds of irritated mumbling and shuffling feet were the only response.

  “Redbeard, what does wanted mean?”

  More shuffling.

  Harry turned his head to look away from the TV.

  Redbeard was peering around the edge of an aisle, eyes wide as he stared at the TV.

  Behind the counter, Dillbilly stood looking at another screen, eyes even wider.

  Harry returned his eyes to his own screen, satisfied he had everyone’s attention. Here Dillbilly had been offering to make him a star, and it turned out his pirate companion was already a star. “This is so cool, guys! Oh, and what’s this other word mean ... bounty?”

  “Shite,” Redbeard grunted.

  A series of clattering sounds followed.

  Harry turned around in time to see Redbeard wrestling with the hoverkart, trying to restrain it as its motor whirred in attempts to leave the pirate.

  He frowned. “R
edbeard, what are you doing?”

  “Put your hands up!”

  Dillbilly was still behind the counter, but now he held what sort of looked like Redbeard’s rifle, only shorter with two barrels. He had it leveled in Redbeard’s direction.

  Face beet-red, Redbeard continued to grapple with the kart. He let out a mighty grunt and picked it up with two hands.

  “Wow,” Harry breathed. His pirate companion was even stronger than he looked. No wonder he was a star.

  “Put that down,” Dillbilly ordered.

  “Right.” Redbeard took in a deep breath, then roared as he twisted, unleashing the kart and hurling it across the room at the green merchant.

  With an alarmed shriek, Dillbilly ducked behind the counter.

  “Redbeard, that wasn’t nice,” Harry shouted. “You almost hit my new friend! He was going to make me a star, just like you.”

  The ginger giant ignored Harry and wrapped his arms around several jars of Dillbilly’s special dills. He shot a quick glance at the counter, then sprinted toward the door.

  “Redbeard?”

  The pirate gave Harry a sideways look as he ran. “Arrr ya comin’ or not?”

  A confused Harry gaped at the retreating Redbeard, and Dillbilly stood back up from behind the counter and took aim.

  “No!” Harry shouted.

  Dillbilly hesitated, one eye turning to look at Harry as the other tracked the pirate.

  The pause was just enough time for Redbeard to reach the double-doors. Dillbilly squeezed off a shot. A stacked display of round barrels exploded next to the sprinting pirate.

  “Dagnammit!” Dillbilly lowered his weapon and glared at Harry. “Look what you made me do. I missed!”

  Harry’s hooves clacked on the floor as he shuffled forward. His heart thudded rapidly, and his stomach had escalated from gurgling to something far more immediate. His ears sagged. “You almost hurt my friend.”

  “Thievin’ pirate scum.” Dillbilly turned his attention to the wall behind his counter. “I’ll show them.”

  Harry noticed several more small screens on the wall in front of Dillbilly. Two of them featured a running Redbeard, each from different angles. Another image showed Spiner and Captain Cass, apparently still trying to pay. The SS Bray took up the remaining views.

  “Umm, what are you doing? I thought you were going to make me a star?”

  Dillbilly continued to tap away furiously at the wall. “Oh, I sure will. After I take care of my pirate problem.”

  “But … but Redbeard’s a star and you almost shot him. Are you going to shoot me, too?”

  “What? No. Unless you’re a thievin’ pirate scum, too…” Dillbilly punched a big button on the wall. A large barrel rose up out of the ground next to the SS Bray.

  “Oh. What are you doing now?” Harry had the creeping sensation he’d seen something like this on Deep Space Nine. It didn’t look like a fuel pump, that much was certain.

  Dillbilly reached up to scratch his head with a free arm. “Fixin’ to do a little exterminatin’.”

  That was a bigger word than Harry knew. “That doesn’t sound nice.”

  Dillbilly cackled. “Sure ain’t. They won’t know what hit ‘um.”

  Harry felt tears welling up in his eyes, making it hard to see. I’m not going to be a star. He’s going to hurt my friends, and probably my herd, too.

  Dillbilly stared at the screens, rubbing his hands together. He paid no mind to Harry. “This is gonna be rich. Just gotta wait til they get on the ship. Hurry up, now, lil’ scums.”

  Harry sidled up behind the green merchant, and turned his rear toward Dillbilly. “I’m sorry Redbeard forgot to pay,” he mumbled.

  “What’s that?” Dillbilly should have looked down, but he didn’t.

  Harry leaned forward and shot both rear hooves backward with all the force he could muster, connecting solidly with Dillbilly’s backside.

  Dillbilly squawked in surprise, then grunted as the side of his head smacked into a screen. The screen cracked and the merchant crumpled to the floor, out cold.

  Harry’s tail swished. “Ouch, that had to hurt.”

  Up on the screens, an animated Redbeard was huddled up with Spiner and the captain.

  We should probably go, Buddy, before they leave us behind.

  Harry wasn’t in a hurry to face Dillbilly again, whenever he woke up.

  On the way out, Harry noticed a small package on the floor. The label read ZOOMELS. Oh, Redbeard would like that.

  He reached down and grabbed the edge of the box between his teeth, then left the store at a gallop, hoping the pirates would wait for him.

  They did wait. Or rather, they were still clustered around the pay terminal when Harry arrived and skidded to a stop beside them.

  He dropped the Zoomels package at his feet, panting. His stomach gurgled again … and not in a pleasant way. He swallowed, trying to ignore it. “Hey!” he said. “We … we should get out of here. Like, now.”

  “Working on it,” Captain Cass bit out.

  She was busily scanning more words on the small, square screen, while Redbeard fidgeted behind her, arms still full of jars of Dillbilly’s lil dills. He muttered swear words fit to make Harry’s ears burn.

  Obviously, the pirate had already filled Spiner and the captain in on what had happened inside.

  Spiner stood next to the captain, face impassive, also scanning the words on the screen.

  “No, really,” Harry said again, “we really do need to get out of here. Dillbilly’s gonna be mad when he wakes up.”

  At this Redbeard’s fidgeting went still, and he looked to Harry in question, eyes squinting.

  Harry stood a little straighter, despite it feeling like he had a ton of rocks in his stomach. “He was going to hurt you guys. So I … I, uh, I kicked him.”

  Redbeard’s bushy eyebrows shot upward.

  “He hit his head,” Harry went on. “I think he’s unconscious.”

  Captain Cass and Spiner both paused to look at him, and for a few seconds there was only the constant drone of another male narrator, this time shouting excitedly about some kind of hormone booster.

  The captain’s mouth curved slowly into a crooked smile. “Well done, Harold.”

  Harry beamed, feeling as if he might burst with pride.

  The console chose that moment to beep at them, drawing their attention back to it. Harry saw the text demanding: $2597. IS THIS AMOUNT OKAY?

  Captain Cass sighed and pushed YES.

  Redbeard continued to stare at Harry.

  Harry bared his teeth in his best attempt at a grin and kicked the box of Zoomels over to the burly pirate, where it came to rest against his massive boot. “Oh, and I got those for you.”

  Redbeard’s expression became oddly unreadable, his eyes darting back and forth between Harry and the package.

  The console beeped again. DO YOU WISH TO PAY WITH CREDIT OR DEBIT?

  Redbeard finally blinked and shook himself. “Uhhh. Thanks,” he muttered. “How ‘bout you carry ‘em? Me hands arrr a wee bit full.” He tilted his chin toward the armful of jars.

  “Sure.”

  Insides feeling warm and fuzzy, Harry moved to grab the box in his teeth again. He’d never heard Redbeard tell anyone “thanks” before.

  Redbeard resumed his pacing and scowling. “Need to get outta here,” he mumbled.

  Harry tried to approximate a nod, but ended up dropping the box at his hooves instead. If he ever did get custom power armor, he’d make sure it had robotic arms. Not being able to talk and carry stuff at the same time was frustrating, now that he knew other pirates could do such a thing. Another reason they’re gods.

  “I don’t know how long Dillbilly will stay asleep,” he said. “And he seemed really mad.”

  “Working on it,” Captain Cass growled again. She moved aside to let Spiner’s deft, quick fingers work once more.

  PLEASE INSERT CARD.

  CARD READ ERROR.

  PLEASE
INSERT CARD.

  PLEASE ENTER PIN NUMBER.

  The Captain looked anxiously back down the tunnel, as if expecting an angry Dillbilly to round the curve any moment. “Red, you and Harry go ahead and board,” she said finally. “Tell Kitt to get the Bray ready to fly. I want us out of here the minute we get that damned fuel hose detached.”

  “Aye, arrr, Cap’n. With pleasure.” Redbeard glanced to Harry. “Comin’?”

  “Aye, aye, sir!” Harry snatched up the Zoomels and trotted after the big man, leaving Spiner and the captain to continue fussing over the terminal.

  PLEASE ENTER GALACTIC QUADRANT CODE.

  WOULD YOU LIKE TO DONATE TO TOYS FOR KARBLEKS TODAY?

  DO YOU WANT CASH BACK TODAY?

  As Harry passed the windows overlooking the fueling contraption, he noticed the giant barrel-looking thingie pointed right at the SS Bray. It had come out of the ground when Dillbilly punched the red button.

  Whatever it was, it didn’t look like good news.

  With a jolt of realization, Harry glanced up at Redbeard’s giant rifle, then back to the huge barrel of the thing in the ground. Overlord’s mercy! That’s a gun! That’s a giant, huge gun!

  He let out a squawk of alarm around the corner of the box in his mouth, just as the tunnel doors cycled closed behind them.

  Harry tried to get Redbeard’s attention as they went through the airlock again and headed down the winding corridors in search of Kitt. But the big pirate thumped along at a near jog, and Harry had to canter to keep up. If he dropped the Zoomels now, he’d probably never find them again.

  So he just bit down harder on the box and tried to talk around it. Alas, the words came out only as muffled nonsense.

  Redbeard finally halted and spun around to face him.

  Harry tried to stop his momentum, but his hooves couldn’t find purchase on the smooth floor. He ended up smashing face-first into Redbeard’s thigh, earning a mean-faced scowl.

  “Git to tha bridge an’ tell tha’ creeper of a computer to prepare fer a quick getaway,” Redbeard ordered.

  “Bu-erf-fin-a-gurn!” Harry said.