Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  Redbeard’s scowl deepened. “Wha?”

  Harry spit out the box, the corner now soggy with donkey drool. He said again, “A giant gun! Dillbilly has a giant gun pointed at the ship. He’s going to blast us!”

  Redbeard’s lips pressed into a thin line, nearly disappearing beneath his beard. “Then we best be gone ‘fore he wakes up, eh?”

  Harry nodded vigorously.

  “Git ta tha bridge. I’ll git Kitt an’ bring ‘er up … an’ find somewhere ta put these damned dills!”

  “Aye, aye!” Harry grabbed the box, executed a perfect pivot, and raced along the corridors toward the bridge.

  Harry burst onto the empty bridge and tossed the Zoomels box onto the nearest chair. “Node!”

  His voice echoed against the bulkheads of the crescent-shaped room.

  “Node! Where are you?”

  The red eye appeared overlaying the viewscreen and blinked lazily. “Right here, obviously. What has you all excited?”

  “We need to go, quick,” Harry explained. “Dillbilly’s going to blast us!”

  The pixelated eye narrowed. “Is he now? I don’t see … oh. Oh my. That’s a Turbolator 500XL cannon. Flagship grade. That could pulverize us, no problem.”

  “So get us out of here!”

  “Now? Without the others?”

  “No!” Harry blurted. He gulped. “No, don’t leave without the rest of the crew. But we need to get the ship ready for take-off as soon as everyone’s on board.”

  “Oh all right.”

  The red eye slid down the viewscreen to be closer to Harry’s height. “Are you sure you don’t want to leave without them? You could have the whole ship to your—oh, no, nevermind. I see the big hairy one and the walking cat are already on board. Oh well.”

  Harry directed his best mean face toward Node’s eye. “That’s not very nice. They aren’t that bad, you know. They took me into the gas station, and let me have peets-za!”

  Node effected a long-suffering sigh. “Well. You know how I feel about humans.”

  Harry cocked his head. “But Kitt isn’t human.”

  “Well. You know how I feel about cats.”

  Harry blinked. Node had never talked about his feelings for cats. “Um, actually, I don’t think I—”

  The bridge door slid open at that moment.

  Redbeard rushed into the room, Kitt close on his heels. Redbeard took the captain’s chair, and Kitt manned—or was it catted—the comms.

  “Computer!” Redbeard bellowed, and Harry jumped again at the volume of his voice. “Why don’ I hear them engines runnin’?!”

  “The core is warming up,” Node replied, a hint of reproach in his voice. “Engines will be ready to fire in T-minus sixty seconds.”

  Harry looked around the bridge and back at the screen. “Are the others coming yet?”

  Redbeard leaned heavily on his chair. “Arrr, better be. Kitt, this bucket o’ shite better be ready to go.”

  Kitt took her place behind her console, her claws clicking as she typed in a series of commands. “I was only able to complete some of the repairs,” she said, “but the ship should be able to get us where we’re going. I would not recommend engaging in combat situations, though.”

  The image of the giant cannon filled Harry’s head. “Does getting shot at by a giant gun count as a combat situation?”

  Kitt looked up from the console. “Yes.”

  “Twenty seconds,” Node announced.

  “Arrr, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon already!” Rivulets of sweat dripped down off Redbeard’s brow onto the arm of his chair.

  Harry’s stomach lurched, violently. “Urgh.”

  “Ready in five seconds.”

  The doors to the bridge hissed open.

  Captain Cass marched in, accompanied by Harry’s green android friend.

  Even in Harry’s moment of distress, he couldn’t help but appreciate the extreme level of badass that was his captain. Deep Space Nine was amazing, but none of its characters walked with the swagger and stature of this Goddess.

  Spiner was also cool. Moderately. Despite his learning disability.

  Redbeard squirmed in his chair. “We ready, then?”

  Captain Cass was silent as she took her seat. Harry was too preoccupied to notice the visibly disgruntled expression she shared with Redbeard.

  In a placid tone, Node announced, “We’re ready for launch.”

  “Captain,” Spiner said with the hint of a question on his voice. “The environmental shield of the station is still activated. We won’t be able to get out, unless it’s disabled.”

  Redbeard practically shouted, spit flying out of his frothy mouth, “Arrr, blast it to bits!”

  Captain Cass let out a theatrical sigh. “Do it.”

  Node projected a big red smiley face on the viewscreen. “That won’t be necessary. Unless, of course, blowing something up would make you feel better.”

  “What?! Why not?” Redbeard demanded.

  “Because I’ve already hacked the system. Embarrassingly primitive, really. I can disable it at your signal.”

  “Do it,” Captain Cass repeated herself.

  Harry was still distracted by the noises and churning in his stomach. Surely this isn’t because of the peet-za? He decided to chalk it up to a case of nerves. The prospect of getting blown up had a certain immediacy to it.

  Node said, “All done. Shall we lift off?”

  “Confirmed,” Spiner announced, for no discernable reason.

  “Do it.” Captain Cass stared ahead, her gaze unfocused.

  “Arrr, but I surely woulda liked to ‘ave blown a hole in somethin’,” Redbeard muttered.

  Harry heard, or rather felt, an enormous shudder run through the ship as it lifted off the ground.

  “Tell me that wasn’t another system failing,” Captain Cass let the words march out in clipped starts and stops.

  Redbeard hurled curse words with reckless abandon.

  Kitt’s console clicked and clacked as she checked. “No additional system failures detected, Captain.”

  “Well, that’s good, right?” blurted Harry.

  Node chortled. “Haven’t you morons ever used a gas pump before?”

  Captain Cass and Redbeard exchanged glances.

  A tiny gasp escaped from Kitt’s mouth, sounding suspiciously close to a meow of alarm.

  The captain swiveled around in her chair and Harry tensed.

  Luckily, her dark and piercing gaze was riveted on Kitt. “Well?”

  “It appears we forgot to detach the fuel pump.”

  Captain Cass suddenly looked rather sheepish.

  “What?! Haharrr, that’ll show that picklish bastard! Put it on the viewscreen!”

  The feed shifted, exposing the SS Bray’s aft section as it lifted away from the gas station.

  A long tube dangled from the side of the ship, trailing dozens of meters toward the ground. Retreating from view as the ship gained elevation, a hole gaped in the ground where the pump had once been connected.

  Redbeard exploded into laughter, hooting and hollering with glee.

  Captain Cass shook her head. “All right ... the next time we need to refuel, we’re doing it Redbeard’s way.”

  “Incoming transmission, Captain,” Kitt said above the roar of the engines and Redbeard’s laughter.

  “Put it on.”

  Dillbilly’s livid face replaced the image of the dangling tube on the screen. Where his hat had apparently gone missing, a giant red lump was forming on his forehead. “Come back and get what’s good for you, you thievin’ pirate scum!” he shouted. “No, scratch that. I’m gonna blow y’all to bits anyway!”

  Redbeard glowered at the screen. “Let’s blast ‘im, Cap’n.”

  Captain Cass craned her neck up to meet eyes with the enraged merchant. “I regret that we’ve landed in this situation,” she said calmly. “But I’d like to point out that we did pay for the fuel. Any acts of aggression against this ship would be in
violation of Federation Commerce Statutes—”

  “Save it, sumbitch! Your giant ogre was caught stealing goods. Small wonder there’s a bounty on his head.”

  The captain flicked a glance at Redbeard, frowning. “Red, how many times do I have to tell you?”

  Redbeard held up his hands. “Arrr, I fully intended to pay, but this lunatic was pointin’ a shotgun at me bits!”

  “Liar!” Dillbilly shouted.

  Harry did his best to ignore the stomach cramps as he stepped up alongside Redbeard.

  “Hey friend,” he said to Dillbilly, “I’m sorry about your head.”

  Dillbilly locked eyes with Harry and gave him a pretty impressive mean face. “You … to think I was gonna invest in you! You ain’t nuttin’ but the most rotten ass in the entire galaxy!”

  Stunned by the insult, Harry’s control over his host slipped for just a second. Long enough.

  Redbeard’s look of admiration for Harry quickly dissolved into one of horror. “What the shite, Harry?!”

  A mess of hot, viscous something had run down his leg and trailed onto the floor behind him.

  “Err, I’m sorry,” Harry replied. “I can go get the cart and clean it all up, okay?”

  Dillbilly’s cough interrupted their exchange. “Ahem. As I was sayin’ to ya’ll pirate scum, prepare to die. Have a nice afterlife.”

  The screen blinked out as he ended the transmission.

  “Captain,” Spiner said, “a Turbolaser 500XL cannon has locked onto our signal. Shall we fire now?”

  The captain replied coolly, “Do it.”

  Kitt hurriedly interjected, “I don’t think this ship’s lasers are going to do much damage against that cannon.”

  Redbeard swore. “Can we outrun it?”

  “Unlikely,” Kitt answered. “Evasive maneuvers might make us miss the window in the dome, and send us right into the wall.”

  Spiner’s voice rose in intensity. “Cannon is charging.”

  “Get us out of here now!” Captain Cass barked. “Full power to the engines!”

  The pitch of the engines’ roar increased, but it sure didn’t feel like they were moving any faster.

  Oh no, Buddy! Hold on! Harry squeezed his eyes shut, abandoning all control of bodily functions.

  At first, nothing happened.

  The bridge was silent for several long seconds.

  And then … nothing happened some more.

  Captain Cass spoke into the silence. “What’s going on? Why aren’t we dead?”

  Redbeard was ghostly white and uncharacteristically silent.

  The sounds of Kitt’s claws clicking on the console filled the room. “No signs of damage, Captain.”

  “Of course not. Morons.”

  Node! Harry risked cracking an eyelid open. “Node?”

  Captain Cass said, “Ignoring your inappropriate form of address for a moment, why aren’t we dead, computer?”

  “Ooo, computer is it? That was a really low blow. Below the belt—oh wait—I don’t have a waist!”

  Redbeard was still silent.

  Harry shifted forward and risked putting his head on Redbeard’s thigh. “You okay, friend? You don’t look so good. Aren’t you supposed to be swearing now?”

  Redbeard blinked and peered down at Harry. A growl rumbled in his throat. His right hand slowly inched down toward Harry’s nose, and then with the lightest of pressure, he pushed with the tip of his finger. “Off,” he whispered. “Off me, now.”

  “Oh, okay,” Harry replied, eyes wide. He stepped back a couple paces. “That better? You had me worried!” That’s when he realized he’d just stepped in … Oops, I’d better get the cart.

  “I’m out of patience, Node,” Captain Cass said. “What happened?”

  To Harry’s relief, they appeared to be passing through the opening in the dome now.

  “Ah, that’s better. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  “Node.”

  “Oh, fine. I disabled the cannon. The controls are on the same system as everything else,” Node said.

  “Captain?”

  That was Kitt, Harry noted as he inched toward the bridge’s exit.

  “Yes?” the captain replied.

  “Sensors are picking up a Federation destroyer in the system. Closing fast.”

  14

  Harry was torn. Get the composting cart and clean his mess off the deck of the bridge, or stick around to see what might happen next? Probably he should get the cart first, but he really wanted to get a view of the incoming ship.

  He blurted, from the back of the bridge, “I wanna see the ship! Can you put it up on the TV?”

  Kitt, closest to Harry, ignored him … as did the rest of the crew, who had all fallen into a stony silence.

  Node’s disembodied voice was the first to reply. “Technically, it’s a viewscreen, Harry. A display screen for a device such as a computer.”

  “Oh. Cool. Can you turn on the viewscreen?”

  “Sure.”

  The viewscreen flickered to life, showing an open swath of blackness and stars. It blinked once and suddenly a small moving speck became a large, glimmering, chrome cube.

  “Woah,” said Harry, “it’s the Borg!”

  “Borg?” Spiner asked.

  Redbeard grunted. “Tha’s a funny name for tha Effin’ Federation.”

  As if the Borg weren’t scary enough by themselves already, Harry noticed countless cylinders poking out from the sides of the cube. “Are those cannons?”

  “Captain,” said Spiner, “the Federation destroyer is attempting to hail us.”

  “Ignore it,” Captain Cass replied.

  “Cap’n,” Redbeard ventured, “we can’t be hopin’ to outrun tha’ ship in open space.”

  The captain pursed her lips. “Not to mention they keep finding us every time we jump.”

  Harry felt his insides lurch again. He really should be getting that cart, soon. “Are we going to be assimilated?” Harry asked.

  “Assimilated?” asked Spiner.

  “Harry,” Node chimed in, “you need to use smaller words around the android. As-sim-i-la-tion, noun—”

  The SS Bray shuddered at that moment, temporarily putting a halt to the conversation.

  “Arrr, the Effin’ Feds fired their lasers at us!” Redbeard shouted.

  Kitt said, “No damage reported.”

  “That’s because we weren’t hit, meow,” said Node.

  Kitt bared her teeth.

  Captain Cass raised a hand to silence all of them. “That was a warning shot. Do we have shields on this thing?”

  “Yes,” Kitt replied. “Shall I raise them?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Raising shields now.”

  The captain pivoted. “Spiner, get us back into the asteroid field, toward the nebula.”

  “Yes, Captain. Setting course for the heart of the nebula.”

  Redbeard swiveled around to face the captain and Spiner. “Wha ‘bout tha pervy computer? Not that I’d mind, but we might fry tha bugger.”

  The captain shrugged. “It’s the only option. Unless you’re ready to turn yourself in?”

  Redbeard sneered. “Fine. Best be makin’ it quick, then.”

  Despite the shields, the ship shuddered again.

  “I don’t think the shields will hold long,” said Kitt. “This bucket of bolts wasn’t made for combat.”

  Lights flashed on the bridge, bathing its occupants in yellow light. Node announced, in a grave tone of voice, “The destroyer is opening its torpedo bays.”

  Redbeard started to swear.

  “Kitt, what kind of countermeasures do we have?” the captain asked.

  “Checking now … umm, not a lot.”

  “I suggest you let me drive,” Node said.

  “Do it,” the captain ordered. “How far can you get us before you’re affected by the nebula?”

  “Oh, don’t worry, Node will be fine,” Harry offered.

  Redbeard t
urned on Harry. “Weren’t you payin’ attention, donkey? Tha radiations from the nebularrr be interferin’ with tha creeper.”

  Having friends gave Harry access to special information, and he was determined to show Redbeard just how special he was. “That’s not true. Node was just kidding around.”

  Redbeard squinted at Harry, his heavy brow drawing down over his eyes. His words sounded chewed up when he spoke again. “What did you say?”

  A quiet cough emitted from the bridge speakers.

  That’s when Harry realized that perhaps Node didn’t want him sharing that information with the other pirates. His ears stood tall as he looked around the room, suddenly feeling very awkward, waiting for someone to say something. Every set of eyes was on him.

  Except for Kitt’s. “Multiple torpedo launches detected,” she announced. “At current velocity, they’ll close on our position in two minutes.”

  The captain’s voice sliced through the bridge with a crackle, almost like a monofilament whip. “Computer, get us the hell out of here!”

  “Ooo,” Node replied, “you sound upset. It’s not like Harry was saying … I was just takin’ a little br—”

  “Node!”

  “Oh fine. Taking evasive maneuvers now. You all might want to hold on to something.”

  Puddles of various liquids littered the floor of the bridge. Harry was splayed across the ground in a heap next to Spiner’s console. Stomach in a knot, he was pretty sure there was nothing left to hold in. Node’s evasive maneuvers had left him slipping and sliding all over the place.

  The command chairs in the middle of the room were definitely the place to be in the middle of combat, it turned out. As the gravitational forces on the ship had quickly ramped up, the chairs had automatically deployed restraining harnesses for their occupants.

  Kitt had managed an impressive sideways leap away from her console, immediately before the first torpedo had impacted against a near asteroid, causing massive chunks of debris to bounce off of the SS Bray’s limited shielding. Somehow, she’d ended up in Redbeard’s lap, his burly arms acting as her own safety harness.

  For his part, Spiner had a simple lap belt, which did little to protect his body from flopping around in his seat. He’d managed to use his hands to grip onto the sides of his console, creating impressive dents where his fingers had clamped on.