Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  Even after just one day of wearing the boots, they were already making a difference. Harry was sure to show them off to anyone nearby who would look and listen. Turns out, a lot of pirates had never met a talking donkey before and were all too happy to pause and chat for a while.

  At the moment, at a table in the mess hall, Harry was busily showing his boots off to Spiner. The android listened without comment for what might’ve been the fourth or fifth re-telling.

  “‘Arry!” Redbeard grunted. “Quit goin’ on about yer boots, already, and look up.”

  Harry shut his mouth with a click of his teeth and looked up. Then he gasped.

  It was Captain Cass!

  She seemed completely back to normal as she entered the mess at the side of the pirate leader Tone E Robbins, walking and talking and wearing her power armor once more.

  Harry jumped up and down with only slight twinges of pain from his front feet and barely resisted the urge to shout “YAY” at the top his lungs, remembering at the last second that Doc had said real pirates didn’t say “yay”. Instead he blurted, “Captain Cass! You’re okay!”

  The general din of the mess hall quieted at his outburst, most heads turning his way. But Harry didn’t care. He was ecstatic to see his captain awake and on her feet for the first time since taking a laser bolt to the gut days and days ago.

  Her face reddened then as all eyes turned toward her, and she gave a little wave. “Right,” she said. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”

  Harry couldn’t take it. Who cares what “real pirates” say? Harry thought. They can use a little livening up. He shouted, “Yay! I’m so glad you’re okay!”

  The captain sent him a grateful smile, but refrained from saying anything else until she’d gotten a tray of food for herself and maneuvered her way toward their table. Tone E stuck close to her side, but didn’t get any food. Mr. Burton, the rainbow bird, was perched on his shoulder again, ruffling its feathers as Kitt dropped into a hunch on her seat. Kitt’s golden eyes fixated on the bird, her white tail lashing behind her.

  Tone E picked up on the subtle motion and held up a hand, palm toward her. “Kitt Ten, you’d better leave Mr. Burton alone. That’s an order, understand?”

  Kitt’s eyes didn’t leave the bird, her slitted pupils dilating into huge, black orbs. She gave a little growl, but at least she didn’t leap off her seat.

  Cass settled into an open chair next to her science officer. “Come on, Kitt. Take it easy. Leave the bird alone.”

  Kitt only growled some more, but then she finally tore her eyes away from the bird and focused resolutely on her food. Even then, her tail continued to twitch in agitation.

  Harry ignored both Kitt and the bird and scampered up to stand in the small open space between Kitt and Captain Cass. He proceeded to bombard her with a litany of excited babble. “I’m so glad to see you! Isn’t this place amazing? Did they heal you? How do you feel? Are you all okay now?”

  Cass laughed lightly and placed a hand on his muzzle, gently pushing his nose away from her plate of food. “Yes, I’m all better now, Harold, thanks to Doc and his talented staff.”

  “Aye, good ta have ya back, Cap’n,” Redbeard rumbled, leaning his massive frame across the table to place a large, beefy hand on her shoulder.

  “I concur with that statement,” said Spiner.

  Kitt only gave a sort of purring chirp, but it was clear enough she was also happy to have Cass back, even if most of her attention at the moment was on Mr. Burton.

  “Glad we could get the crew back together,” Tone E said buoyantly, clapping his hands.

  “Did you see my new boots?!” Harry interjected excitedly, holding up one front hoof so the captain could see. “They help me walk! And I got medicine, too, and it makes it so I hardly know I’m sick.”

  Captain Cass nibbled at her food as she studied Harry’s feet, frowning. “Your hooves are still bothering you?”

  Harry nodded. “Well, not so much anymore. Like I said, I have these boots and some super strong medicine.”

  Cass looked up to Tone E. “Is there nothing else that can be done?”

  Tone E opened his mouth, but Harry wanted to show off how much he’d learned since coming to Haven. “They aren’t equipped to treat unguents,” he blurted. “Unguents are hoofed animals. Doc says real pirates don’t have hooves, but I told him I was your pirate intern, and had been doing a good job as your intern, and that I wasn’t really a donkey anyway, but a symbiont—”

  “Whoa, whoa,” Captain Cass said, holding up her hands and shaking her head. “Slow down, Harry! I’ve been asleep for awhile, I need some time to catch up.”

  “Oh. Sorry.”

  Tone E chuckled. “Well, Harry is mostly right. Except I think he meant to say ‘ungulate,’ rather than a fancy word for ‘lubricant.’ Doc says we don’t have the facilities to treat hoofed animals here. At his recommendation, I’ve called for a large animal veterinarian named Dr. Brenneke, but it might take her some time to get here.”

  “I see.” Captain Cass still looked concerned. She picked at her food distractedly. “She’s coming as quickly as she can, though?”

  “Oh yes,” Tone E said. “Chartered her the fastest corvette I could find.”

  The captain nodded. “Good.”

  Harry was touched by the captain’s concern. How his life had changed since the Gods—er—humans had beamed him up into their spaceship! He grinned at his crew, feeling a sense of acceptance that had eluded him even among his own tribe back on Cern.

  Redbeard raised a metallic bowl to his mouth and slurped down its contents, then belched.

  Tone E raised a thumb to his forehead, pinkie extended.

  The rest of the pirates followed suit, while Harry looked on with a quizzical expression. “What’s going on? Is that some sort of secret handshake?”

  With a snort, Redbeard slammed his bowl down on the table. “It means ya ‘ave to eat it, ‘Arry.”

  “Eat what?” Harry asked, confused. He shuffled around the table until he was alongside Redbeard, then peeked over the rim of the bowl. “It’s empty.”

  “Hah! He don’t know tha Pirate Code!”

  Harry’s ears drooped as a wash of shame crept down his neck. Once again, this “pirate code” was coming up. As an intern, when was he going to start learning?

  Spiner drew in a breath and recited, “According to Section Ten, Article Five, on the topic of proper galley etiquette, ‘when a pirate belches, the last one to raise a thumb to the head must eat it.’”

  Tone E chuckled, which sounded a lot like ungreased gears turning after years of disuse. “It may be time to update the code to add some provisions for accessibility! I don’t think the authors took into account the possibility of an ungulate in the ranks.”

  Harry peered up at Tone E. “Do you … do you really think I can be a pirate? I’ve been doing my best, but when I look at you—or Redbeard, or the captain, or anyone here—I see a badass. I see muscles. And the most impressive mean faces! What do I have to offer?”

  The big pirate leader grew still, then dropped down to a knee and rested a massive hand on Harry’s back. “Harry, Assrider of Cern, when I look at you, I see … a one-of-a-kind being who has the courage to speak its truth, who is unmoved in the face of the most daunting of obstacles. I see a pirate-in-the-making who will break the mold, who has the capability to redefine what it means to be a bad-ass.”

  Harry swallowed. One-of-a-kind? Wow … the leader of Haven thinks I can be a pirate. A real pirate! He found his breath. “Wow … you really think so?”

  Tone E tilted his head in affirmation. “I do.”

  Redbeard sniffled, then grunted. “Blasted allergies.”

  Harry looked around the table, all eyes on him. These were his friends, each and every one of them. That they were pirates made it all the sweeter. Sickness or no, he resolved he would never let them down. Not after all this faith they’d put in him.

  Kitt broke the spell. “Speaking of
violations to the Pirate Code … that traitor has our ship.”

  “We were just discussing Djerke on our way down here,” Cass said. She looked across the table at Tone E. “I’ve made my demands. He must be put to justice.”

  Tone E pushed to his feet. “Of course. The penalty for betrayal is clear. But first, there is an urgent matter that must be addressed.”

  “Arrr, more important than dealin’ with tha’ scallywag?” Redbeard blustered.

  Kitt mewled, her fur again bristling.

  “I’m afraid so,” Tone E replied. “I hate to dump this on you so soon after you’ve recovered, Captain, but it just so happens I have an important job for you and your intrepid crew. Normally I wouldn’t come to you with this so soon after an injury like you one you sustained … but I can’t think of any pirates better suited for this particular mission. Seeing as you seem to be healing well…” He trailed off, lifting his hands and shrugging.

  Harry, body shaking with excitement, perked his ears straight up and turned his ebullient expression on Tone E. Being a space pirate was awesome. “Oooo, a mission … for us?!”

  Captain Cass grunted, her mouth full of food. She swallowed and then nodded. “We’re interested.” Then she glanced to the rest of her crew. “Right?”

  She was met with enthusiastic nods and one of Redbeard’s signature fist slams that rattled the table.

  “Aye, you betcha binnacle we’re interested!” the ginger giant boomed.

  Tone E smiled, showing off his ridiculously perfect teeth. “Good. But first, finish your lunch. Then, meet me in my office and we’ll go over the details.”

  “Will do,” Captain Cass replied. She tossed Tone E a salute—index finger alongside her brow with palm turned downward—which he casually returned before bidding them all a temporary farewell and striding off across the mess.

  #

  “Blimey, T, arrr ya off yer rocker?” Redbeard exclaimed.

  Tone E had just laid out the mission details to the crew of the SS Bray.

  Kitt—apparently much less concerned than her larger but not necessarily less hairy counterpart—was crouched down, licking her fur clean.

  Tone E pursed his lips. “I know you just got done getting shot at by the ‘Effing Feds, but it’s the only way. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t believe in your crew. You’re the best option we’ve got. If anyone can get you inside the FFS Brickhouse, it’s your captain.”

  Harry sidled up alongside Captain Cass and nuzzled his head against her powered leggings. He wasn’t an experienced pirate, but even he understood that this would be a dangerous job. It made their getaway from Irrakeen sound tame by comparison.

  Spiner said, “The Federation will recognize our ship.”

  “Exactly!” Redbeard yelled.

  “Exactly,” Cass said quietly. “That’s why we’re the only ones who can do this job. I’m the only one who could get close to a Federation ship without getting immediately shot down … or arrested.”

  Redbeard faced Cass, his eyes wild. “He’s askin’ too much, Cap’n. We jus’ got done patchin’ you up.”

  Captain Cass locked eyes with her first-in-command, her eyes stone cold. “We’ll do it,” she stated, her tone flat.

  “What? Cap’n—”

  “We’ll do it,” she repeated, louder. Her hand drifted down to rest on Harry’s head.

  I’d follow her anywhere, Harry thought. After she’d given him the tremendous responsibility that came with being a pirate intern, Harry would support her in just about anything, even if it meant handling the janitorial duties in the cargo hold. He said as much out loud, but everyone in the room ignored him.

  Except Cass, who scratched between his ears.

  “The matter’s settled then?” Tone E looked around the room.

  “I’m in,” Kitt said, pausing from her fastidious post-meal ritual.

  Spiner nodded. “As am I.”

  A sigh exploded from Redbeard. “Fine. Have it yer way. If the Cap’n says we’re in, we’re goin’. This extraction target better be worth it…”

  “I assure you, I wouldn’t ask you to risk your lives if he wasn’t.”

  “Then what arrr we extractin’, exactly?” Redbeard asked.

  Harry didn’t care about the details, he just hoped he was up to the task of helping. His crew, badass as they were, had almost met their end multiple times already. If he hadn’t been there to help…

  Tone E cleared his throat. “Computer, show them the target.”

  An androgynous voice replied from seemingly everywhere in the room, “Putting the extraction target on screen now.”

  Kitt paused from her self-cleansing to stare at the nearest wall. Her fur instantly stood on end, her tail tripling in width as it fluffed out.

  “Intriguing,” was all Spiner said.

  Cass remained tight-lipped.

  Redbeard drew in a breath, his face gone red. Harry couldn’t tell if he was going to burst out laughing or explode into another angry tirade. “Yer askin’ us to risk life n’ limb fer … this?”

  Harry didn’t see what the big deal was. It looked like they’d have plenty of room to host the extraction target on the SS Bray. On the screen was a picture of the happiest-looking creature he’d ever seen. Some sort of black, dreadlocked animal on four-legs. Maybe we can be friends! Harry certainly hoped so.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Tone E said.

  “You ‘ave no idea,” Redbeard rumbled.

  Cass’s hand lifted from Harry’s head. She cleared her throat. “It looks like a dog. I don’t get it.”

  Tone E smirked. “This, my esteemed pirate friends, is the Federation’s newest weapon. It may look innocent enough, but I can assure you that it poses a significant risk to not only our pirating community, but any other groups acting against the Federation’s interests.”

  “It’s disgusting,” Kitt muttered. “Can I kill it?”

  “No,” replied Tone E. “We need you to bring it back here. Alive. Any other questions?”

  No one answered, so Harry asked the first thing that came to mind. “Do I have to clean its poop?”

  “Harry…” Captain Cass began, then hesitated.

  Harry looked up, meeting her eyes. She looked sad. “What is it?”

  “I don’t think you should go with us. It’s going to be dangerous, and you need to stay here so your host can get the treatment he needs.”

  “But…” Harry sagged against his platform, his host’s body suddenly feeling heavy and exhausted, hooves aching despite the boots. Staying at Haven didn’t sound awful, on the face of it, but what would he do without his friends? He felt suddenly alone. “Don’t leave me behind. Please?” And what if something happens to them, and I’m not there to save them? “I want to help!”

  Cass glanced at Tone E, who nodded with a somber expression.

  “Harry,” the leader of Haven said softly, “being a pirate isn’t always easy. You need to listen to your captain. She knows what’s best for you. They’ll go do this mission while you wait here and get the treatment you need from Dr. Brenneke. You can help out with the next job, okay?”

  Harry gulped, trying his best not to shed tears. Be strong, like the other pirates. But he didn’t want to be strong right now. He wanted to go hide in a dark room, where no one could see. Once again he was being abandoned.

  He took in a deep breath and steadied himself. No. I’m not going to stay behind, no matter what they say. One way or another, he’d figure out a way to be a part of this mission.

  “‘Arry?” Redbeard said. “Did ya hear tha Cap’n?”

  Harry glanced up, avoiding eye contact with anyone, and slowly nodded. “I hear you.”

  “Good,” said Cass, who was also suddenly sounding weary. “It’s for the best.”

  5

  “Gentlemen—” Hawke began, standing behind a small, faux-wood podium.

  A voice in the crowd coughed. “And ladies?”

  Five dozen officers stood at att
ention in the bland room that served as a training and certification center on board the FFS Brickhouse. Most of the senior officers were men, it was no secret. But, in Hawke’s mind, if there was a ratio or distribution problem between the genders, it was because the men had proved to be of higher merit. That, and the question of enrollment numbers. The number of new female enrollees in the officer training program had continued its steep decline.

  Hawke sighed and shared a plastic smile. “And ladies, of course. I want to thank you for signing up to aid with our next phase of testing for our top secret project.”

  That was a half-lie. The truth was that testing was complete. And he had total confidence in the effectiveness of his new tool in the ongoing battle against the subversive elements of the galactic populace known as The Outliers.

  After McGee had been exposed as a self-hater who also hated his job, however, an inkling of doubt had quickly grown into a nagging itch that Hawke felt compelled to put to rest. How many of his troops felt the same way? He’d always assumed everyone felt the same way he did about their work—a deep sense of pride that came with acting in service to the aims of the Federation.

  A hand raised.

  “Yes?”

  “Is this going to hurt?”

  “No, it won’t hurt. Anyone else?”

  No other hands lifted.

  Good, thought Hawke. I hate answering questions. He peered down at the podium. It was time to summon the ass-sniffing dog and his handler, but the control surface had gone to sleep. He sighed again. Gods, how I hate computers. So tedious. He jabbed a finger down at the blank screen. Nothing happened, so he poked at it again.

  “Ahem,” came a small voice, seemingly from within the podium. “Would you like some assistance with that?”

  “Go away,” Hawke whispered under his breath. Just look like you’re in control here. “I don’t need your help.”