Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  “Have it your way.” The computer sounded decidedly petulant.

  A moment later, the surface came to life with the loud PING of an incoming notification. It was marked urgent.

  Hawke glanced up at the officers, some of whom were starting to look bored. He raised a finger over the podium. “Sorry, just a moment. I need to take this.” He reached down and pulled out a set of wires with earbuds on the ends, then placed them into his ear canals. A green button flashed on the screen: “Accept incoming transmission.” He pushed it.

  A face appeared. A young man with greasy hair, dark eyes full of mirth, and a cocky half-smile plastered to his face. “This is Djerke. I hear you have another job for me.”

  Hawke tried to keep his voice down. “Yes. But this isn’t really a great time.”

  “Sorry? I can’t hear you very well. Can you talk louder?”

  Hawke coughed, a sense of annoyance creeping up his throat along with something else … embarrassment. He liked the feeling of being in charge, but preferred when others deferred of their own accord. He shouldn’t have to ask for obeisance—not anymore. That was the whole point of having achieved the rank of Rear Admiral, wasn’t it?

  He looked up and raised his voice. “Look, I’m going to need five minutes or so. Let’s take a break. Meet back here in fifteen minutes.”

  The crowd of officers quickly dispersed.

  Hawke tried to ignore the gut feeling that they all wore expressions of relief. Surely they were looking forward to helping out with his data-gathering experiment? Focus. There would be time to reflect on that matter at a later time.

  “So,” he began, returning his attention to the man on the screen. “You claim to know of an enclave of Outliers?”

  Djerke nodded. “I do.”

  “Excellent.” Hawke steepled his fingers. “I want their coordinates. It’s about time we pay them a visit...”

  6

  Harry wheeled himself through the activity that seemed to constantly revolve around the loading docks at Haven. “Excuse me,” he muttered as he dodged around a woman pulling a cart loaded with boxes. “Pardon me.” He rolled between two other pirates guiding a large hover-platform stacked with what looked like old parts.

  No one seemed to pay him much attention, which for once was exactly what he wanted. He quickly trotted his contraption back behind a large pyramid of crates, then peeked around them toward where the SS Bray rested. There was a bustle of activity around it, too. Several pirate dock workers were walking various supply boxes up the boarding ramp into the cargo hold.

  At the bottom of the ramp, Captain Cass stood with Redbeard and Tone E, involved in conversation. Harry was supposed to be settling himself into the quarters Tone E had assigned him on the station … but he could do that later. For now, his crew needed him. He wasn’t about to let them leave him behind.

  Dangit. How am I going to get on board? His mind raced. He watched one of the workers return from the Bray with an empty pallet, then go to another stack of boxes not far from Harry’s hiding place. The man hefted more containers onto his pallet and headed back toward the Bray.

  Harry’s head shot up. The boxes! Maybe I can find one to hide in!

  He waited until he was certain everyone’s backs were turned, calculating his next move carefully. Then, he darted out from behind his cover and ducked down behind more crates bound for the Bray. Frantically, he searched for one large enough to accommodate his ungulate host.

  Ah, yes. There!

  He eyed a large container. If he laid down, he could fit. He shuffled closer and studied the latches. Oh man. I did not think this through. Harry heaved a sigh. It sure would be nice to have opposable thumbs sometimes, you know, Buddy?

  Buddy made no reply.

  Resigned, Harry bent over and attempted to use his teeth and muzzle to flip up the latches and open the box.

  All the while, he kept his ears tuned to the noises of those walking back and forth from the ship. Slowly, they were removing his cover. If he didn’t get this crate open soon and get inside, they would see him!

  Come on, Buddy, use that giant tongue of yours!

  He worked Buddy’s tongue on the little metal flap, then bit, pulled, and… pop! The first latch came free. Yes! Good job, Buddy. Harry moved to the second latch and repeated the movements. Pop!

  He pushed his muzzle up under the rim of the lid and shoved. The lid swung open and thunked against the crates behind it.

  Harry flattened his ears and crouched low on his wheeled contraption, but the noise was buried beneath the hubbub of the loading docks. No one noticed.

  He straightened up and peered inside the box, which was full of tightly-packed, opaque bundles. Harry quickly began clamping the things between his teeth and tossing them out onto the ground, trying to make room for his body.

  When he thought he’d made a big enough hole, he eased himself off the seat of his wheely chair and gingerly put his full weight on his front feet in their special boots. They hurt, but the pain was tolerable. He gave one last, long look at the awesome thing Kitt had made for him to help him walk. He hated to leave it behind, but there was no way it would fit in the box, too. He sighed. “Sorry, Kitt,” he whispered. “I’ll get it back when we return to Haven!” He lifted his foot to step into the box, but then stopped, remembering. “Oh, oops, can’t forget that.” In a tightly-wrapped parcel strapped to his wheely chair beneath the padded rest for his chest were the needles and medication from Doc. If he forgot those, he’d be useless on this mission—and sneaking aboard the SS Bray would be pointless.

  He heard a pair of dock workers heading his way, chatting amongst themselves.

  He was running out of time. He grabbed the medical parcel in his mouth, then carefully stepped into the big crate and dropped the bundle on the floor. A thrill of excitement coursed through his body as he grabbed the edge of the lid with his teeth, tugging it down after him as he folded his legs and got cozy. The lid shut, enveloping him in darkness. He curled his neck around and rested his head on the floor of the crate, which began to jostle.

  Phew, that was close, Buddy! Harry bit back on the nervous urge to bray.

  “Hey, wha’ tha hell is this mess?” one of the loaders exclaimed.

  Harry winced. Whoops. He’d forgotten someone would see the mess he’d made clearing out a space for himself. Of course. Come on, Harry! How could you be so stupid?

  “Ah blimey,” said another voice. “Did Carl pack these crates? He’s awful at it. Don’t know why Big T still let’s ‘em do it.”

  “Probably cuz he’s worse at everythin’ else!” the first voice said.

  They both had a good laugh at that.

  Harry held his breath as the crate jostled again. Were they going to open it?

  The second voice spoke again. “Who flies around with a bunch of livestock in their hold, anyway?”

  “I heard Redbeard tried to offload them here till they could arrange a buyer, but Big T wasn’t having any of that. Redbeard’s pretty fuffed about it.”

  The second voice grunted in response. “Where would we even keep ‘em?”

  “Exactly. That’s why we ain’t keepin’ ‘em. Guess that’s what all these crates are for. Supplies to keep the cargo alive till they can find somewhere else to dump ‘em.”

  The voices paused.

  “Ugh, fer Pete’s sake,” the second man groaned as Harry’s crate jostled again. “This crate is heavy as shit!”

  “No wonder there’s such a mess leftover,” the first man agreed. “Carl overpacked it!”

  “Oh and look,” the first one said. “He didn’t even latch it.” There were two sharp clicks as the latches were re-engaged.

  “I mean, I like Carl and all,” the second man grumbled. “But I might have to file a formal complaint at this rate.”

  “Hey, if you do, lemme know. I’ll sign it, too.”

  “Okay, sure.”

  With that, the two men fell silent save for their grunts and groans as the
y hefted Harry’s crate and then settled it roughly onto the nearby skid loader. At least, that’s what Harry assumed had happened, given the suddenly smooth sense of movement, and the noise of a small engine coming from outside. He tried to stay as still and quiet as he could manage, his heart quickening as he felt the box tilt upward on one end.

  The boarding ramp! I’m almost there! And no one had discovered him yet.

  “Hey!” the unmistakable voice of the pirate leader Tone E roared from somewhere below Harry’s current position.

  Harry startled, but then clamped down on his fear and resisted giving a frantic yelp.

  “Kitt Ten, damn you! How many times do I have to tell you—leave Mr. Burton alone!”

  Harry gave a quiet exhale, for once glad of Kitt’s antics. If she kept everyone preoccupied, they wouldn’t bother investigating the overstuffed crate. He hoped.

  His box settled once and for all, and the noise of the skid loader faded away. There was the distant murmur of more conversation, but Harry couldn’t make out the words. Then came the unmistakable sound of the boarding ramp closing. The interior of his box grew black.

  Yes! We did it, Buddy! We’re on board!

  He waited. And waited.

  The inside of the box was growing warm and stuffy. Harry lifted his head, but there wasn’t room to look around. Not that there was anything to look at, anyway. He carefully and gently lifted his head until the top of it pressed up against the lid of the box. He pushed, hoping to pop the lid open so he could get some fresh air.

  It didn’t budge.

  Uh oh.

  Harry pushed harder.

  Still not a bit of movement.

  Panic surged, but Harry fought it under control. Calm down. Stay calm. It’s okay. You can get out of the box … somehow. He recalled the clicking sound of the latches being secured. Just, uh, just wait a bit longer. Till we’ve lifted off. Then you can make lots of noise and someone can let you out. Once we’re up and away they won’t want to jump all the way back to Haven to drop you off again. Surely.

  He gulped.

  This would have to do for now, but he couldn’t stay in this box for the whole trip. He didn’t even know how long that trip would be … and it was already getting a little hard to breathe in here.

  Harry tried to concentrate on keeping his breaths slow and even. If he was running out of air, he certainly didn’t want to waste it panting in a panic. He rested his head on the floor, closed his eyes, and resigned himself to waiting.

  It seemed ages before he finally heard the noise of the Bray’s engines powering up.

  It was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

  He lifted his head again eagerly. The box and the cargo hold around it vibrated hard enough to rattle his teeth with the force of the spaceship’s engines as it powered off the dock and out into space. There were a few long minutes of quiet, then the sickening inside-out feeling of the first jump being executed.

  Yes! Finally! Thank the Overlords, I can get out of this box at last!

  Harry increased his efforts to push the lid of the box open with his head. No luck. Then, he got to his feet and pushed with all his might, pressing his back against the lid until his protesting front hooves could no longer be ignored. Still nothing.

  He sagged back down, breathing hard. Now he really was running out of air. Time to call for help. He hoped the crew wouldn’t be too mad at him … but could they blame him? He couldn’t imagine anyone else on the crew allowing themselves to be left behind for this mission, either.

  “Hey,” he said weakly, more tired than he’d realized. “Hey! Anyone out there?” He rocked against the side of the box, making a solid thump. “Helloooo? Can anyone hearrrrrr me?” He thumped the side of the box again.

  “Harry? Is that you?” It was Node’s voice, which sounded strangely distant through the confines of the crate.

  Harry’s ears thunked into the lid as he perked up. “Yes!” he cried. “It’s me! Can you get me out of here?”

  “What in all of creation are you doing inside of a supply crate?”

  “Uh, well. Captain Cass said I should stay on Haven and get better instead of coming on this mission. But I wasn’t going to let them leave without me. They need me!”

  “Uh huh.” Node’s voice was becoming clearer. “So you’re a stowaway, are you?”

  “Er, I … I don’t know what that is,” Harry admitted.

  “Stowaway, noun,” Node helpfully provided, “a being who hides aboard a ship or airplane in order to obtain free passage or avoid pursuers. Or, in your case, to embark upon a dangerous mission with your crew, despite your current condition and despite the fact that doing so is a direct violation of your captain’s orders.”

  Harry’s ears drooped. “Gee, you make it sound pretty bad.”

  “Well, I’m not sure it’s the best decision you’ve ever made, Harry. But you’re here now, and you won’t do any good in that crate.”

  “So … you’ll get me out?”

  “Of course. What are friends for? Just a moment, let me activate the robotic arms … there we are. Sit tight…”

  Harry listened to the soft whir of the robotic loading arms moving across their tracks in the walls and ceiling. They moved overhead, and then he heard the latches on his box unlock. The lid lifted, and Harry squinted as the bright fluorescent lights of the cargo hold pierced his dark cocoon.

  He stuck his head out into the fresh recycled air and took several deep breaths. “Ahhh, whew. Thank you. Wow, I can breathe again!”

  The robotic arms retreated, folding back up into the ceiling. “That was kind of dangerous, Harry. You could have suffocated.”

  “Eh, I knew I could count on you!” Harry maneuvered stiffly and carefully out of the box, stretching his stiff joints and muscles as he did so. He hadn’t even considered Node, actually, when he’d made this rash plan to sneak aboard … but Node didn’t have to know that.

  The AI’s digitized red eyeball appeared on the nearest wall. “That is true,” Node agreed. “I am the most reliable being on this boat, by far. Even so, that was inadvisable. Are you okay?”

  Harry shook himself, feeling infinitely better now that he had a whole shipful of air and room to stretch and walk. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Totally. Where’s the crew?”

  “They’re on the bridge making a plan of attack for this suicide mission of theirs. Why? You think you’re just going to walk on up there and announce yourself? Don’t you know what the Pirate Code says about stowaways and pirates who disobey their captains?”

  Harry’s excitement faltered. “Um. No?” Boy, he really needed to get his hooves on a copy of that Pirate Code. “Is it … is it bad?”

  The red eye morphed into the head and shoulders of an animated man shrugging. “It’s not particularly good.”

  Harry’s head sank toward the floor. “Oh boy.”

  “But hey,” Node chimed in, the shrugging man turning into a smiley face, “whatever happens, I am glad you’re back aboard. The thought of being stuck on this ship without entertainment was almost too much to bear.”

  The unexpected compliment did little to boost Harry’s mood. He’d been doing so good as Captain Cass’s pirate intern … he didn’t want to mess that up by violating the Pirate Code. But he couldn’t stand to think of being left behind. What was an assriding symbiont pirate intern to do?

  He jumped as the door to the cargo hold whirred open and looked up to see Redbeard lumbering into the room, dragging Harry’s manure cart behind him.

  Harry opened his mouth, but no words came out. His body locked up in indecision, his muscles frozen between the desire to flee, the desire to hide, and the desire to just get it over with.

  His indecision made the decision for him. Redbeard looked up and across the cargo hold, and his dark, hooded gaze fell right smack onto Harry, eyes widening.

  “Uh. Hi,” Harry croaked.

  Redbeard jerked and dropped the handles of the manure cart, which clanged loudly to
the floor. “Oh, shite,” the big pirate hissed. “‘Arry?! How in tha blazin’ hells did ya get in here?”

  #

  The pirates weren’t happy in the least with Harry, who was in a pitiable heap on the floor of the bridge in front of the command chairs. After a several-minutes-long barrage of reprimands and unprintable language, Captain Cass raised a weary hand to cut Redbeard off before he could complete yet another string of curses.

  “All right, all right, that’s enough,” she said. “I think Harry has learned his lesson. Hasn’t he?” She settled herself into the captain’s chair directly in front of Harry and sent a pointed look down his way.

  He peered up at her, finally risking eye contact. “Yes?” He hadn’t been sure what to expect when he’d gotten caught, but despite the verbal onslaught he’d just had to endure, he was pretty sure he was about to get off lightly. When he’d earned the ire of his tribe back on Cern, they’d exiled him to a herd of donkeys. A part of him had been expecting a similar result this time from the pirates, he realized now. After all, his herd was still down below in the cargo hold. If Captain Cass wanted to lock him up, she could. His crew could, if they wished, quite effectively exile him again. To the same donkey herd. And he’d be trapped again in a holding pen, missing out on all the fun pirate action.

  He gulped.

  Redbeard grunted as he shook his head and mirrored Captain Cass, taking his seat. “Cap’n, wha’ about tha Pirate Code? I mean, I like ‘Arry and all, but tha Code is quite clear on wha’s to be done in these kind o’ situations.”

  Harry gulped again.

  Captain Cass only rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Harold hasn’t yet signed his acknowledgement of the Code, Red. It makes allowances for those not yet familiar with such guidelines.” She chewed at her lip. “And come to think of it, I’m not sure it entirely applies to ungulate pirate interns. As Tone E said, there might need to be some amendments made.” Her gaze went to Redbeard. “Which, by the way, you should know, if you’re such an expert on the Code.” She quirked an expectant eyebrow.

  Redbeard’s face reddened to match his beard and hair. He spluttered. “I … I was jus’ sayin’—”