Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  Yikes. He has a really good mean face.

  The two men looked to each other, then reluctantly, the one Zuckberg had called Sergeant placed his palm over a red box on the wall near the cell entrance. The box turned green, and the forcefield disappeared. The one called Private swallowed visibly.

  Things were already under control, or so it appeared to Harry, but as soon as the field was down, Redbeard charged out of the cell. He turned, taking the sergeant by the throat, and slammed him up against the wall. The sailor made a strangled noise as his rifle clattered to the floor.

  Harry winced as the private brought his weapon up, a cry of warning on the tip of his tongue. But all that escaped his mouth was a small squawk as Kitt closed the distance, one clawed hand coming down hard against the barrel of the rifle. The weapon flipped out of the private’s grip. He cowered down into a tight ball, his arms over his head as Kitt stood above him with teeth bared and claws extended. “Don’t kill me!” he shouted. “Please don’t kill me, I was only following orders!”

  Harry tensed and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the inevitable screaming. His mind flashed back to the fighting at the docks of Irrakeen, the blurry white form of a murderous Kitt darting about … all the pools of blood left in her wake. Sure, he was glad for her help at the time, but now? Now, he wasn’t so sure these two guards deserved such a bloody fate.

  Besides which, it was just so messy. And gross. He felt queasy just thinking about all that blood.

  “Whoa, whoa, easy there big fellas,” Zuckberg was saying.

  Harry cracked one eye open. He saw the dog’s head turn from Redbeard to Kitt and back again. “You can let ‘em go … trust me, they’re harmless.”

  Kitt hissed. “They called me a mangy cat,” she growled. “And then hit me with a stunner. For that, they die.” Her golden eyes narrowed. “Slowly.”

  The kid cowering in her shadow let out a petrified squeak.

  “Aye,” Redbeard agreed, glaring at the officer he still held by the neck. “They’re Feds. They’re anythin’ but ‘armless. Tha galaxy’d be far better off without ‘em.”

  The man in his grip was kicking at the air and clawing at the pirate’s meaty fingers, but it did no good. His eyes had started to bulge, his face turning purple.

  Zuckberg’s floppy ears twitched beneath their heavy mat of hair. “Really? They really called you a mangy cat?”

  Kitt nodded.

  “Aye, tha’ they did,” Redbeard seconded.

  “It wasn’t me!” the kid protested. “That was the lieutenant! Not me ... I’d never say such a thing.”

  Harry held his breath.

  Spiner, standing in the cell’s doorway and watching the scene without expression, cleared his throat. “May I remind my pirate colleagues that murdering a pair of Federation officers while on board a Federation flagship—and while Captain Cass is still in Federation custody—may not be the wisest course of action?”

  Zuckberg sat down. “That green guy has a point. And anyway, I’m getting hungry, so can we get on with this, already?”

  Redbeard muttered a string of curses and lowered the guard he held by the neck, then tossed the man into the open cell, where he stumbled up against the shelf that served as a cot and hit the floor on his knees, coughing and gasping as he sucked in much-needed air. Then the huge pirate turned toward Kitt, who had not lowered or relaxed her claws.

  “Kitt,” Redbeard said. “He’s right. We gotta get tha Cap’n first.”

  Kitt growled her displeasure, tail lashing. “Fine,” she finally spat. She sheathed her claws, grabbed the back of the kid’s uniform, and hauled him to his feet.

  Harry didn’t need super-smelling powers to catch the whiff of urine off the young man as Kitt shoved him inside the cell. She’d downright scared the piss out of him—literally.

  Harry shook his head. It was hard to believe these two guards were part of the same organization as the mean lady who’d shot Captain Cass. They didn’t seem scary or intimidating in the least. Well, better for him, he supposed. Maybe that meant it’d be easier to get back to the Bray with Zuckberg.

  “All right, glad that’s all worked out,” the dog said cheerfully.

  Spiner stepped out of the cell’s doorway and Zuckberg trotted over to the palm panel.

  “So,” the dog said to the guards, “I need one of you two idiots to tell me how to override this panel so we can lock you in there, okay?”

  The sergeant only made a garbled noise.

  The private sank down to sit on the edge of the cot-shelf, his hands shaking. “O-okay, sure. I-I-I c-can tell you th-the override code.”

  “Yeah,” Zuckberg said. “Any day now.” He stood on his hind legs and braced his forelegs against the wall, posing his nose over the panel.

  Redbeard loomed over Harry and grunted. “You sure ya got the right dog, ‘Arry?”

  Harry felt a momentary pang of doubt as he glanced up at the ginger giant. He was pretty sure he hadn’t seen any other dogs at the dog park. Positive, in fact. Was it possible he’d overlooked something? “Umm, pretty sure? M-matches the picture that Tone E showed us, right?”

  Redbeard’s lips twitched, then twisted into a small grin. “Blimey, he does at that. He’s a bossy little effer, though, don’t ya think?”

  As the private recited the code, Harry felt a sudden wave of nausea accompanied by a flood of pain signals running up the spine. Overwhelmed by the sudden surge of unpleasant sensations from his host, he reflexively retreated from his cozy position in Buddy’s spine. The last sensory information he processed before detaching was that of a narrowing tunnel of vision, accompanied by a distressed outburst from his burly pirate friend.

  “‘Arry? ‘Arry!”

  Well, this sucks, Harry reflected. The injections must have worn off, and his host must’ve passed out from the pain. Sure, he’d been told that he should wait for the vet, but he’d been so insistent on accompanying his friends on this dangerous mission, and the mission couldn’t wait. He’d been so certain they’d need his help. And, turned out, they had needed his help. And he had done it: he had successfully found the extraction target and talked him into leaving with the pirates.

  Did I push Buddy too far? What good was a successful mission if his host wasn’t able to get the help he needed? No, surely the pirates could still help Buddy. They’d have to. It was out of Harry’s hands now.

  Hang in there, Buddy….

  13

  A knock sounded on the bathroom door.

  “Captain?”

  Djerke straightened and tugged at his leather jacket, regarding himself in the mirror one last time. Damn, but doesn’t that title sound nice? And I wear it so well… He tested out a particularly roguish smile and wink. He didn’t much care for icy back-world planets, nor their big-boned chieftainesses … but he needed to keep this settlement’s inhabitants busy until the Feds arrived. Then he could collect on his big bounty.

  The knock again. “Captain? Uh, it’s been like almost an hour, and I really need to go.”

  Djerke sighed, reached up to tussle his hair, then flashed himself a final smile before turning to leave his super-sexy reflection behind. If only the chieftainess deserved it. Still, a job was a job. He unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping back out into the dimly lit longhouse.

  One of his crew members, formerly a cargo herder on the SS Bray, stood there waiting with his legs crossed. He stepped awkwardly into the bathroom and pulled the door shut with a slam.

  Djerke winced at the sound. I’ve got to stop drinking so much. Or start taking on better jobs. Still, the Federation was going to pay well for this mission. He could already feel the credits washing over his body. Pay off his crew with low flat-fees, pocket the rest, disappear for a while, and return to civilization with a new identity, perhaps...

  “Oo, Djörke, there you are, me love moofin.”

  The chieftainess stood in wait for him at the far end of a long, low, wooden table. A towering red-head of a w
oman, flowing hair fell out over a thick fur mantle, made broad by her wide shoulders and thick bones. The fire pit next to her cast a reddish glow over her pale ivory skin.

  “Come ‘ere to mama,” she purred.

  The longhouse was interspersed with other members of the settlement, who regarded Djerke with looks of amusement, pity, or both. The chieftainess ignored them. Her stormy blue eyes were reserved only for the handsome scoundrel.

  Djerke suppressed a shudder and plastered his face with the trademark grin he’d spent so many hours practicing in front of the mirror. Knowing the pirates of Haven would be after him for what he’d done, and not having any clue as to the current whereabouts of Haven itself, his only option for survival was to go on the offensive. And that meant leading the Feds to any known family members of his former crew, in the hopes of drawing the pirates out into the open. So, while there might be no such thing as Outliers, would it hurt to start with the sister and tribe of his very least favorite pirate?

  He sauntered slowly toward the giant red-head, raising and lowering his eyebrows as he bit his lip.

  “Oo, big little man. Sonia like very much.”

  Her resemblance to Redbeard was striking. He’d avoided speaking of his relationship to her twin brother, lest she figure out he was a traitor who’d left the annoying ginger giant of a pirate in the lurch. He didn’t think she’d much appreciate that kind of news.

  Djerke steeled himself for what might come next. This tribe was really big on hospitality rituals. He was going to need a lot more alcohol before the long evening of ceremonies was over.

  The Feds couldn’t arrive soon enough.

  14

  A flood of sensory input from his host woke Harry from his nap.

  Buddy! You’re back!

  He quickly nestled himself back into the spine of his host to take measure of Buddy’s condition and their whereabouts. Phew, the vitals were steady. The poor donkey was exhausted and overwhelmed, but otherwise okay for the moment. Harry found himself lying flat on his side, on the floor of the commons. We must be back on the SS Bray! He slowly folded his legs under him and lifted his head.

  Redbeard and Zuckberg were hovering nearby, wearing strange expressions on their faces. Well, the latter’s face was always strange to Harry. As usual, his eyes were completely obstructed by flowing locks of black hair.

  “Whew,” Redbeard whistled. “‘Arry, you’re back! Ya had us good and worried there fer a wee bit.”

  “Ah, yes, Harry!” Node’s voice chimed in. “So glad you’ve decided to rejoin us.”

  Oh, yay, it’s Node, Harry thought groggily.

  “That was pretty intense, dude,” Zuckberg agreed. He stood beside Redbeard, tongue lolling and tail wagging. “You weren’t kidding when you said you needed a vet, huh?”

  Harry blinked and shook his head. He still felt a little out of it. “Buddy passed out.”

  Zuckberg cocked his head. “Who?”

  “Buddy is the name of my host, the donkey.”

  Zuckberg’s tongue pulled inside his mouth. “Huh?”

  “‘Arry’s a symbiont,” Redbeard clarified. “We’ll fill ya in on the details later. Fer now, we’re just glad yer all right.” He reached down to pat Harry’s neck.

  “Thanks,” Harry croaked. “What happened? Did we get away?”

  “Well, not quite,” Redbeard said. “We locked up those Effin’ Fed bastards, then you passed out. Made it back to tha Bray,” he lifted his massive arms to indicate the room they stood in, “and Spiner got yer medicine and gave ya another poke in tha rear.” The big pirate paled and shuddered. “Turns out I’m not a big fan o’ needles.”

  Zuckberg made a snuffling noise, which Harry realized was the dog’s equivalent to laughter. “Yeah, the big guy here almost fainted himself watching you get a shot.”

  “Most entertainment I’ve had in days,” Node commented dryly.

  Redbeard glared down at the mat of walking hair and then at the nearest wall, where Node’s red eye had appeared. “Arrrr an’ tha dog weren’t much better, eh? I seem ta remember you lookin’ a little wobbly.”

  Zuckberg gave a soft growl. “I hate shots.”

  “See? I ain’t tha only one!”

  Harry looked around the room. “Where are Spiner and Kitt? Are they okay?”

  “Oh, aye,” Redbeard said, nodding. He pulled out one of the chairs from the central table and took a seat. The chair creaked under his weight. “They’re up on tha bridge, makin’ plans.”

  “And the captain?”

  At that, Redbeard’s face fell. “She’s still with tha Effin’ Feds.”

  Harry wanted to stand up and charge after the captain and get her back immediately, but Buddy really didn’t want to move. So he relented and stayed put. “We need to go get her!”

  “Aye, tha’ we do,” Redbeard agreed. “But we need a plan. We can’t jus’ go bargin’ onto a Fed flagship jus’ the lotta us. We’re massively outnumbered.”

  “Finally, the big Luddite is using his brain,” Node said.

  Redbeard scowled. “And you can shut it, computer.” He rose from his chair and moved toward Harry. “C’mon, I’ll carry you up to tha bridge.” He bent down and scooped Harry into his arms.

  Zuckberg took advantage of the moment to scoot up behind the big pirate.

  Harry peered down at the dog. “What’re you doing down there?”

  Redbeard spun on his heels, glaring. “Hey, mutt, what did I tell you ‘bout sniffin’ on me bits?”

  Zuckberg cocked his head to the side. “Relax, big guy. I’m just following you up to the bridge.”

  “Hmmf. Well, give me bits some room or I’ll be spacin’ you, mission or no!”

  “Right. How about I just go and run ahead of you, then?” Zuckberg shuffled over to the door, his nails clacking on the metal floor, then paused to look back. “You coming or not?”

  Zuckberg led the way, and Harry got a nice view of a receding hallway—and Redbeard’s bottom.

  Spiner’s voice greeted them as they stepped onto the bridge, the door to the hallway sliding shut behind them. “Ah, there you are, sir.”

  Redbeard looked around the bridge, confusion plain on his face.

  Kitt looked up from her console. “He means you.”

  “Wha, me? Blimey,” Redbeard muttered. “I guess I am in charge now.”

  Harry was getting bored of looking at the back wall of the bridge. “Uhh, sir?”

  “‘Arry?”

  “You can put me down now.”

  “Errr, right.” Redbeard walked over to the center of the bridge and gently placed Harry down next to the command chair. “‘Ere you go.”

  Harry attempted his best smile, but his mouth twisted in surprise as a black blur occluded his vision, followed by the ministrations of a purple tongue against his chin and snout. He started to giggle. “Hey, hey! Hee-haw, what are you doing?”

  Zuckberg paused and took a small step back. “Sorry, don’t know what came over me. I just get these impulses, sometimes.” He dropped down to the floor and started to pant.

  Harry thought back to those confusing moments when a seemingly mindless Buddy would try to jump on the backs of the jennies in the donkey herd. “Yeah … it’s okay. My host gets that way sometimes.”

  Redbeard cleared his throat. “Right. Now that we’re all ‘ere, let’s get down to it. Wha’s tha plan?” He shifted his gaze back and forth between Kitt and Spiner.

  Spiner replied, “We discussed several options for your consideration, but the final decision is up to you, sir.”

  Redbeard seemed to wince at the last word. “Arrr, so what be tha options, then?”

  “The Brickhouse has been making a series of jumps. After evaluating the possible destinations, it doesn’t make much sense. There’s nothing of strategic value in any of the sectors where we might be going.” Spiner paused and looked to Kitt.

  “If we’re going to make a getaway,” he continued, “and we’re still unclear on the how a
nd when—it’s anyone’s guess where we might end up. But, we should probably figure it out and make our escape from the Brickhouse before we get to wherever the Feds are going. Or…”

  “Or we could rescue the cap’n,” Redbeard finished.

  Kitt bared her teeth. “And kill some Feds.”

  Harry wanted to rescue the captain, but he also wanted to honor the request she’d made before the Feds first came aboard the Bray. “But … didn’t she order us to complete the mission? Take the extraction target back to Haven?”

  Redbeard made a face like someone had farted.

  A moment later, Harry realized that someone had, indeed, passed gas.

  “Oh, excuse me,” Zuckberg said. The bridge grew quiet.

  Spiner broke the silence. “Whether we rescue the captain or not, how do we intend to escape? We’d have to successfully undock, not get tractor-beamed again, and evade a hostile fleet.”

  “He’s right … sir,” said Kitt.

  “Blimey. Bein’ in charge is bollocks.”

  “I can help with the final destination part,” announced Node. “We’re heading for Canis Minor.”

  Kitt’s ears twitched. “Why? What could possibly be of interest there?”

  Harry’s mind wanted to wander, being that he knew nothing about galactic geography or politics. But he also knew if he wanted to be a successful pirate, he needed to pay attention and learn from his mentors. So, he watched the exchange and kept a careful eye on Redbeard’s reaction to this new information. At this moment, Redbeard’s face was in the active process of draining of all color.

  “Redbeard, uh, are you okay?” Harry asked.

  A moment later, Spiner echoed him. “Sir?”

  Redbeard’s mouth worked, but nothing came out. He staggered, then reached out for the command chair and collapsed into it.

  Kitt stepped out from her console, approached the chair, and crawled onto his lap. Peering up into his eyes, she said, “Hey, meow. Look at me. What is it?”

  Redbeard blinked and took a deep breath. “Tha’s me home system.” He straightened in the chair and set his jaw. “We can’t leave the Brickhouse. If tha Effin’ Feds are goin’ to Canis Minor, then me sister’s in trouble. Hers is tha only settlement out there. Tha’s gotta be what they’re aimin’ fer.”