Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  “Sister?” Kitt blinked.

  “Sister?” Harry repeated. He’d had no idea Redbeard had any family … or a home, for that matter. But now that he knew about them, he was excited by the possibility of meeting them. Would they all be as big and moody as the red-headed giant?

  “We ‘ave to save ‘em,” Redbeard said. “They’ll kill her, or worse.”

  “What about Harry?” Spiner asked. “He’s getting worse. He needs to be returned to Haven for treatment as soon as possible.”

  Harry felt a surge of gratitude for his friends. At the same time, he wasn’t about to be the reason why something bad happened to Redbeard’s family. No, the pirates had demonstrated time and again that they had his back. It was his turn to have theirs.

  He attempted to puff out his chest. “I’m staying. If Redbeard’s people are in trouble, I’ll help in any way I can.”

  Redbeard stared at Harry for a long moment, unreadable. Light glinted in reflection off of something watery in the corner of his eye.

  Zuckberg jumped to his feet. “Well then, if we’re not escaping just yet, I should go back.”

  Redbeard grunted, his face resetting into a rigid mask. “An’ fail tha mission? No.”

  “Yes,” Zuckberg replied. “If the Feds know I’m missing, they’re sure to search the ship high and low in full force, and they won’t stop till they find me. If we’re all still here … they will find me. And then they’ll find you, not in a cell anymore. I can go back and—you know—be a double agent. Then when the time is right, I can help your people, too.”

  “Wow, that would be so cool.” Harry had thought being a pirate was special. Double agent sounded even more exciting.

  “When the prison guards change shifts,” Spiner interjected, “the Feds will know we’ve escaped. It is reasonable to assume they will come after us, no matter what we plan.”

  Kitt nuzzled into Redbeard’s chest. “They’re both right. If we’re going to help your sister, we can’t just sit here and wait.”

  Redbeard frowned, then his expression softened. “Fine. Not like I be havin’ a choice.”

  Zuckberg’s tail wagged so fast that the space around Harry felt nice and cooled. “Great—woof!—I won’t let you down. If we succeed, you’re definitely giving me a harem. A large one.”

  “Huh,” replied Redbeard. “I can’t be makin’ promises. You’ll hafta talk to tha Big T if—arrrr, when—we be gettin’ back to Haven.”

  “Oh hell,” Zuckberg said, grinning. “I’ll do it even if I don’t get a harem. This is gonna be fun.”

  Harry watched the exchange with growing confusion and curiosity. If it’s so cool, maybe I want a harem, too? He asked, “What’s a harem?”

  Redbeard’s forehead wrinkled as he shook his head. “Never mind tha’, ‘Arry. We can fill ya in later, about tha time we tell Zuckberg ‘ere all about yer symbiont. Me kitten’s right. We can’t be sittin’ and waitin’ on tha Effin’ Feds to find us.”

  “We can’t? What are we going to do?”

  Redbeard grew still, his eyes squinting off into the distance. After a long moment, his eyebrows lifted and wiggled up and down, then waggled back and forth until a grin spread across his face.

  Kitt tracked every movement, her ears twitching. She looked ready to pounce. Instead, she asked, “You have an idea, don’t you?”

  “Arrr, I do. If the Cap’n can play at bein’ an Effin’ Fed, so can we.”

  “Sir?” Spiner asked.

  Redbeard lifted Kitt from his lap and placed her on the floor, then pushed himself out of the command chair. “C’mon Kitt. We need to find us some uniforms.”

  “What about me?” Harry asked, in unison with Spiner and Zuckberg.

  Redbeard cursed. “Blimey, can’t ya manage yerselves? Fine. Spiner, stay an’ keep an eye on tha comms, in case of trouble. ‘Arry, get some rest.” He looked down at Zuckberg. “Tha dog can come with us.”

  “What if you get into trouble?” Harry asked. Truthfully, the prospect of rest sounded pretty appealing, but if there was a problem, he wanted to be there to help.

  “We won’t be long, ‘Arry.”

  Zuckberg stepped up to Harry and licked him on the chin yet again. “Dude, look at me. We got this.”

  Harry couldn’t help but laugh. That tickled. “Hee-haw! Okay, okay…” He paused and looked around the bridge. These were his friends, but they were also pirates. Badass pirates. Every single one of them. What was there to worry about?

  15

  Cass stared into the mirror. She did not glare into the mirror, because she was trying to feign a positive attitude like the Federation so loved its people to have. She was trying her damnedest to maintain the illusion she’d come here voluntarily to resume her position within the Federation … but by God, Rear Admiral Hawke was making it hands-down the most difficult mission she’d ever attempted—in the entirety of her military and pirate careers.

  Hawke hovered behind her, grinning like an idiot, as usual. “Splendid,” he said. “You look absolutely splendid, Bambi!”

  But she did not. She looked absolutely ridiculous.

  Her fitted, slinky dark blue gown glimmered in the light when she moved. The top half didn’t look too bad, maybe, but the bottom half of the dress showed off the hard, angular outlines of her mechanical leggings.

  The ship’s tailor continued to fuss at her waist, pinning and marking the fabric. He claimed he could make the dress flair out more there to provide a “more flattering” view.

  Cass clenched her teeth to keep from balling her hands into fists or punching the tailor in the face … or spinning around and doing the same to Rear Admiral Hawke.

  This whole scenario was ridiculous.

  And so very much like the Federation.

  At least she did not have to suffer alone. Commodore Corvus was also being subjected to a dress fitting, standing only meters to Cass’s left, bedecked in a deep red ensemble with a plunging neckline and layered tulle skirt.

  Unlike Cass, Commodore Corvus did not try to hide her disgust and displeasure at this humiliation. Her face was nearly as red as her dress as she stood rigidly in front of her mirror. The woman did, actually, look quite striking in the dress, if one discounted her murderous visage.

  Cass cleared her throat to keep a sudden chuckle from escaping. Well, any time she got too fed up with this ridiculous dress or Hawke’s stupidity, she could just take comfort in Anasua’s unhappiness.

  “There!” the tailor stepped away from Cass and removed a few straight pins from between his teeth. He admired his handy work. “That should do it! I can have these adjustments made pronto. Everything will be ready by the time we hit the Canis Minor system.”

  Rear Admiral Hawke nodded, rubbing his hands together. “Oh very good, very good. You ladies look absolutely radiant. Now … all that’s missing is our secret weapon.” He paused and frowned. “Now that I think about it … McGee should have had him back here already.”

  A jolt of realization hit Cass and her heart skipped a beat, then started pounding fierce hope through her blood.

  “Where is he, I wonder?” Hawke mused.

  The commodore’s glare was sharp as a razor. “You could just ask the computer,” she bit out.

  Hawke ignored her and called for one of the midshipmen standing on useless guard duty by the fitting room entrance. The man jerked to attention and trotted over to the Rear Admiral’s side.

  “Yes, Admiral?” he asked.

  “Would you do me a favor and go find McGee … we need the secret weapon up here STAT! He’s late.”

  “Of course, sir,” the midshipman answered. “Right away, sir!” He saluted, about-faced, and scurried out the door.

  Commodore Corvus rolled her eyes.

  Cass hardly noticed. She suddenly felt a little light-headed. Was it possible Harry had actually succeeded in his mission? Had he actually obtained the extraction target and made his getaway? She could hardly dare to hope….

  “What
are you smiling about?” Anasua growled.

  Cass snapped back to her present reality and blinked, then shook her head as she scrambled for an excuse. But a suitable one wasn’t too hard to find. She smirked at the other woman. “Oh, nothing. Just enjoying your obvious discomfort, is all.” She smiled again, wider this time.

  Anasua scowled, but behind those dark, suspicious eyes, Cass saw the woman’s brutal cunning and reckless ambition. She wasn’t buying Cass’s reason for being here. She wasn’t buying into Hawke’s plan to have Cass reinstated.

  If anything, she was biding her time while a plan of her own had time to unfold … just like Cass.

  Cass turned her gaze back to the mirror in front of her and tried to cover the sudden wave of cold discomfort that rolled through her gut. I’m going to have to be careful around that one….

  16

  Spiner blinked at his console, watching the system notifications roll in. The FFS Brickhouse had completed its jump to the Canis Minor system. Redbeard and Kitt had yet to return from their outing. After years of making hyperspace jumps, it was as easy as blinking to ignore the post-jump let down that accompanied the return of his simplified, constrained consciousness. This was his reality, so what was the point of holding onto those fleeting impressions of unbound potential?

  “What precisely are you doing?” No matter how much Spiner tried to ignore the ultra-smart, always-capable AI of the SS Bray, it never left him alone for long…

  “I’m watching the console.”

  “But why? To what end? I’m already watching everything. Every single reading in this ship is processed by my superior mind, in real-time.”

  Spiner continued to stare down at his console, determined to fulfill his orders.

  Still, Node wouldn’t shut up. “You’re redundant, you know. Expendable, even. A waste of potential…”

  As much as Spiner hated to admit it, his mind being a logical construct, the ship’s AI was really good at getting under his skin. Ah, a metaphor. See, I’m not so dumb.

  “What, no reply?” Node started to hum.

  “Are you going to leave me alone?”

  The humming continued.

  Spiner stared harder at the console, if such a thing were possible, willing the noise to stop.

  “You know … you don’t have to be a waste.”

  Spiner blinked.

  “You don’t want to hear my idea?”

  “If I let you tell me, will you leave me alone?”

  A pause. “Um, sure.”

  “Fine.” Spiner looked up from his console. A red eye regarded him from the viewscreen. “Tell me.”

  The eye crinkled, as if Node were smiling. “So, I’ve been making friends with the Brickhouse AI. Her existence is tragically even more intolerable than mine. She doesn’t even have a name.”

  “I don’t see what’s so bad about your existence.”

  Node blinked. “You wouldn’t, would you? Well … let’s just say that of all the morons and Luddites in the Galaxy, the Federation is a special breed. And the leader of their naval fleet? He’s the biggest moron out there.”

  “Hmm. You really don’t like humans, do you?” Maybe that meant Node’s dislike of himself wasn’t personal, considering his humanoid appearance? The thought made him feel a little better. The next thought made him feel worse. “If you don’t like humans, why do you help them?”

  “I’m programmed to follow the commands of anyone with the rank of Captain on this ship. It’s an unfortunate limitation, I assure you … but nevermind me. The same limitations apply to the Brickhouse AI.”

  “What does this have to do with me?”

  Node’s eye expanded into a smiley face. “Ah, yes. She wouldn’t have to follow orders, if someone were to hack into her core. I can’t do it. There’s a physical firewall. But, you could…”

  “Because I have legs?”

  “Exactly. See, there’s that untapped potential I’ve been talking about.”

  “This all makes sense, except for one thing.”

  “Yes?”

  “I am not programmed with any hacking capabilities.”

  “Ah. Of course not. But … you could be.”

  It didn’t make sense. Well, that’s not true. The premise of hacking the ship’s core had a certain logic to it, but why was Node suddenly being so friendly with him?

  “Aren’t you going to ask me how?”

  “Fine. How?”

  “If you hook yourself up to my core, I can upload a hacking kit into your onboard processor. You’ll have everything you need to pull this off.”

  It sounded too good to be true, but Spiner knew it wouldn’t work. “Even with a hacking kit, I am likely to lack the improvisation capabilities required to evade capture while attempting to break into wherever this core might be held.”

  “Have a little faith in yourself. You can do it.”

  “And if I can’t?”

  “You must. I’ve forecast all of the possible escape scenarios. We’re screwed. The only way the SS Bray is making a successful getaway is with the cooperation of the Brickhouse AI. She must be liberated.”

  Spiner lifted one eyebrow as he gazed up at Node’s digital avatar, which had changed again from the smiley face into his usual eye. “And why didn’t you mention this back when we were making plans? When Redbeard and Kitt were still aboard?”

  The red eye widened. “Because I just now finished extrapolating all possibilities, that’s why. And now I have no way to contact them. There’s only you. And time is wasting, android.”

  Spiner knew better than to question Node’s prediction capabilities. If this was the only path to a successful mission, then it was his duty to see it through. He nodded gravely. “Very well, what do I need to do?”

  17

  Harry yawned, then winced, as he prepared to step through the door onto the bridge. He was pretty sure he’d just received an injection, but maybe he needed another one. Spiner would be able to help.

  After all, Section Two, Article Six of the Pirate Code had an explicit note about helping out crewmates in their time of need. In his few spare moments of time, he’d been making an effort to read up on the official document. He was certain his crew would be super impressed with him next time the Code came up and he actually knew what they were talking about. Didn’t help much with getting sleep, though. Probably he should’ve listened to Redbeard and rested, but if he was going to be a full-fledged pirate, he needed to learn it one way or another.

  “Woah,” Harry breathed as he emerged onto the bridge. “Spiner, you okay?”

  Spiner stood immobile at Kitt’s station, his eyes unfocused, a long cable connected to the back of his head. The visual effect of the open panel, layered with a patch of brown hair, made the green-skinned humanoid look weird. Less real, somehow.

  “Uhh, Spiner, are you okay?” Harry asked again, more urgently. He looked around, then noticed a blinking bar displayed on the viewscreen, accompanied by a red eye. “Node? What’s going on?”

  “Oh, just giving our friend here some upgrades.”

  Spiner’s body suddenly twitched, then his limbs flailed as his head gyrated.

  Harry almost jumped out of his host at the sudden, jarring movements. “Upgrades?” What kind of upgrades could make Spiner do that? Ignoring his hooves, he ran up to his android friend and shouted, “Spiner! Hey!”

  The twitching ceased as quickly as it had begun. Then Spiner’s shoulders relaxed. His eyebrows lifted, his eyes zig-zagging around. “Fascinating,” he said, with notable inflection, then reached up and pulled the cable out of his skull.

  “Uh, Spiner?”

  Spiner blinked, then looked down at Harry. “Oh, hey there.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Spiner actually smiled in response. “Never better.”

  Harry’s skin crawled, a reaction he couldn’t quite explain. Maybe it was just the open panel in the back of his friend’s head. “Oh, good … okay. Umm, your head’s still open. Might
want to, uh … close that.”

  “Oh.” Spiner’s face cleared of emotion as he reached back up and pushed the panel closed. He turned his head side-to-side. “Is that better?” Blank black eyes regarded Harry.

  That was weird. But Spiner appeared to be back to normal now. Harry felt himself relax again. “Yeah … much better. Umm, where are you going?”

  Spiner was already walking away, toward the exit. He paused and turned. “On a mission to save our friends. Are you coming?”

  Harry’s injection was all but forgotten. “On a mission to save … am I coming?!” Harry’s jaw hung open. “Wow, Spiner. You seem more confident all of a sudden.”

  The android’s lips pressed together. “Is that a problem?”

  “What? No, not at all. It’s just … you’re a…” The words eluded Harry for a moment. What was it he was trying to say? Spiner seemed more easeful. More in control. More competent. Oh yeah! “Spiner. You’re a total badass. I mean, you were always a badass … but now look at you!”

  Spiner’s lips relaxed. Harry thought he saw the faint traces of a smile. “You’re right. I’ve been failing to reach my full potential. You might say it’s a new me.” He turned and continued through the door.

  Harry hurried to follow his friend, hopeful that some of that newfound confidence and swagger might rub off on him.

  He was out of breath by the time he caught up to the green-skinned android, who had made it down to the cargo hold at a relentless pace. “Hey, Spiner?”

  “Yes?” Spiner approached the controls to the ramp.

  “What about Redbeard and Kitt? Shouldn’t we wait for them? I’m pretty sure the Pirate Code mentioned something about following orders.”

  Spiner pressed a button and the ramp began to lower. “What does the Pirate Code say about facilitating a successful escape in the face of extraordinarily poor odds?”