Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  He supposed he should be happy to be back on Cern. He should be happy that the donkeys were returning to their fields. He should even be happy that these other animals would have a better place to live, regardless of where they’d originally come from.

  But what was he supposed to show Zuckberg, now? He had nothing. It was enough to drive him to shame.

  Shame. That’s what he was feeling right then. And that was before the Elder Council had showed up. The reminder of his failure as a tick. As a member of his tribe…

  “Good one, Arby!” encouraged Steve, even then preferring to ride a mole. He was a grown-up, which made him pretty cool with the younglings, already. But he was also a camp counselor for the Youth-Riders Training Center. Which meant that he was one of two responsible adults within earshot, left to oversee an enthusiastic group of inexperienced symbiont ticks—finally getting their shot at the joys of riding a host on their own.

  Harry had always looked up to Steve. Or, down to him, as it were.

  Grandma Ambly had frequently taken Harry for ride-alongs on her donkey host when he was little. And now, no longer a youngling himself, Harry got to help Steve keep the younglings occupied. At the moment, Harry was riding a bovine, whose eyes, ears, and snout were even farther above the ground than a donkey’s. Steve’s mole host was hilariously tiny, as far as Harry saw it.

  “Hee-haw!” he laughed, as they cavorted around the wide-open, hilly plains, then corrected himself. “Err, moo.”

  “Really, Harry,” reprimanded Steve. “Try to act your age.”

  “But why can’t we have fun, too?”

  The mole glared up at Harry, but Harry didn’t care. What’s the worst that could happen?

  His youngling wards inhabited a variety of animals, including other cows, goats, hens, ducks, the occasional donkey, their larger horse cousins, a snake or two, and other smaller (harder to see) critters that Harry had been warned—more than once—not to trample over.

  Which was all fine and well, until the bumping and wrestling started. A horned goat bulldozed into Harry’s side, then started to giggle uncontrollably. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. First one to tip a cow wins!”

  “Hey, that tickles,” Harry protested, but not too seriously. That was pretty funny, he had to admit. Still, maybe he should try to rein things in … at least a little.

  “Younglings!” shouted Steve. “Careful, now! These hosts are in our care.”

  The game quickly escalated, despite Steve’s agitations and Harry’s mild protestations. Harry did his best to still his host as the onslaught came. Control. That was the word Grandma Ambly always preached. With control, their precious hosts could expect the safety and security of a simple, long life. As the designated hands of the Overlord, no task was considered more sacred. But, younglings will be younglings…

  Soon, all of the younglings were huddled around Harry on a sloping hill. Someone hissed, “Watch your step, Muncha!” A moment later, someone else yelped. Suddenly—alarmingly—the ground was shaking.

  “Stampede!” someone shouted.

  As Harry looked around, his eyes widened and a jolt of adrenaline filled his host’s body at the sight of the huge herd of cows that had been startled into a panic by all the shenanigans. But, in the world of prey animals, that meant he was frozen in place. He tried to clamp on to the cow’s spine, as he’d been often directed by his grandma, but instead felt his grip slipping. Embarrassing, really, that he couldn’t get his host to move, considering he was supposed to be teaching these younglings.

  A moment later, he was tumbling sideways … little youngling riders screaming as his host fell sideways, crushing—something—then continuing to roll down the hill.

  Harry sniffled, the memories coming back unbidden. He had not only failed his host that day. He’d failed his tribe. That first body to get crushed? Steve, who’d been super-peeved, to say the least. In fact, he’d insisted it was all Harry’s fault. Harry’s demonstrable lack of self-control, and willingness to encourage the scrum, combined for an indefensible breach of his holy mission.

  The worst part of the entire ordeal? Losing his connection to Grandma Ambly, who’d had no choice but to go along with the rest of the Elder Council’s vote.

  He was an exile. The first exile, as far as he knew. And he’d even failed at that. Here he was, back on Cern. Back on their lands, the lands he’d been banished from. In a host that had lost multiple body parts in his care.

  Let’s face it, Buddy, he thought. I’m a complete failure. I have nothing to offer anyone.

  And now he’d have to face up to all of it. Or … or he could just hang back, and let the pirates talk to the councilors. Maybe they wouldn’t even notice him?

  He stayed put as the pirates waded through the long grass toward the council, hoping his plan would work.

  “Harry?”

  He winced. Well, so much for that. The captain was calling to him, waving to him. She’d barely made it ten steps in the direction of the waiting semi-circle of the council before turning and waiting on him.

  “Harry, get over here. Come on.”

  He sighed and hung his head, then did as his captain bid.

  Zuckberg trotted past him, tail wagging furiously. He seemed thrilled about the arrival of the council, even though none of them were dogs.

  Eventually, the two groups came together, Harry and his misfit crew of pirates on one side, and the Elder Council, equally as misfit, on the other. They regarded each other in silence for a moment, until Captain Cass cleared her throat.

  “Greetings,” she began, but got no further.

  “Behold!” the goat suddenly shouted, causing the captain to start. “The Gods come to us, as foretold long ago by the Overlord! Baah.” She was an impressive black and white doe with soft brown eyes, and after her heraldic declaration, she bowed her head in reverence.

  Cass glanced to either side, exchanging meaningful looks with her crew, at least so far as Harry could tell. Redbeard’s mouth was hanging open, while Bieber had lifted his spectacles to squint at the council. Spiner’s black eyes were staring at the compound beyond. Kitt was … not present. She must have still been back on the ship. Meanwhile, Zuckberg was eagerly scampering around behind the gathered council, possibly in a bid to sniff out their true intentions.

  The new intern was likely to attract their ire, but Harry dared not say anything for fear of drawing unwanted attention. If he just kept his mouth shut, maybe the council would forget he was there. He kept his gaze locked resolutely on the grass in front of him.

  “Um, yes,” Cass said. “We … uh, we came as fast as we could. There was … a traffic jam.”

  “A traffic jam!” The donkey—an older brown jenny—repeated the words with enthusiasm for the council’s benefit, then lowered her head and whispered to her neighbor, the squirrel, “None of the stories mentioned anything about a traffic jam...”

  A warmth of affection spread through Harry at the sound of her voice and he almost smiled. That was his Grandma Ambly. Boy, he’d sure missed being able to see his Grandma Ambly, or ask her for advice when he didn’t know what to do.

  “The Gods know all,” his grandma said. “You came when it was your time to come.”

  “Ummm. Sure,” Cass replied.

  “Ack!” a small voice squawked, and Harry looked up to see the mole skittering away from Zuckberg’s probing nose, taking shelter beneath the goat. “I beg your pardon! We have not even been properly introduced!”

  Zuckberg grinned—well, it always looked like he was smiling—and lifted his head. “Oh, I’m Zuckberg. Pleased to meet you.” He turned his dread-locked head toward Captain Cass, but nodded toward the mole. “That one isn’t super happy with you,” he said to Captain Cass. “He’s not even sure you are Gods.”

  There was a collective gasp from around the council.

  Zuckberg’s purple tongue pulled inside his mouth and he cocked his head as he regarded the humans. “Wait. Are you?”

  “’Course we are!”
Redbeard blustered, puffing out his chest. “We’re Gods all righ’. Didn’t ye see our shiny ship?” He waved back toward the SS Bray.

  The mole moved cautiously out from under the goat, indignant. “It’s not that I doubt they are Gods … it’s just … well … if they are Gods, then what is Harry doing here? With them?”

  Harry blinked at the tiny creature. He was sure the mole couldn’t see him from there with its terrible eyesight. It must have smelled him. He dropped his muzzle back toward his side and sniffed, then grimaced. Wow. Well, he didn’t smell good, that was for sure. He’d have to be sure he had a bath after all of this was sorted out.

  Surely it would all be sorted out, eventually? He had Captain Cass here, after all. That’s what she did: sorted things out.

  “We’re Gods, aye,” Redbeard said again. “And ‘Arry ‘ere is our … err, our Chosen! Tha’s right … he’s tha Chosen of tha Gods, he is!”

  Another gasp rippled through the council. “The Chosen of the Gods!” the goat repeated, then added an enthusiastic bleat.

  A solid thump and a yelp made Harry jerk his head up to see Zuckberg rolling across the grass, away from the backend of Grandma Ambly. She had her ears pinned and one back leg cocked and was glaring back at the dog. “That’s what you get for sniffing around back there, young pup. No one sticks their nose anywhere near my behind without asking first, you understand?”

  Whining, Zuckberg struggled to his feet. He tucked his tail and slunk back behind Captain Cass, peering around her legs toward the council.

  Whoops, thought Harry. Maybe I should have warned him about that. Still, it seemed Zuckberg had learned his lesson. At least for now. Maybe a good kick in the ribs was what he’d needed all along to teach him to be careful where he stuck that nose of his.

  Grandma Ambly’s kicks had certainly taught Harry a thing or two, back when he’d been experimenting with hopping, climbing, head-butting, or flying in his various hosts.

  Harry’s ears drooped again at that thought. He supposed there’d be no more hopping, climbing or flying for him now. Well, not that he’d ever been particularly good at any of those things. He’d always had to let his hosts take over … but still. Having the option to try them again someday had been nice. He had bonded with Buddy over the years, yes, but he hadn’t exactly planned on living the rest of his tick life as a donkey, exactly…

  “Harry?” the mole repeated, not sounding convinced. “Harry is the Chosen of the Gods? Really?”

  Zuckberg stepped forward cautiously and audibly sniffed the air. Then he looked up at Captain Cass. “I can’t be sure, but I still don’t think that one believes you.”

  Captain Cass sent the dog a look that clearly said, Ya think?

  “Shhh,” Grandma Ambly chided, looking at the mole. “That’s enough out of you, Steve. The Gods are here now, and that is enough.” She turned her attention back to Captain Cass. “We are at your service, Great Ones. What do you wish of us? Would you like a tour of the planet? I believe you will be most pleased with all we and our ancestors have accomplished in the centuries since you first sent the Overlord to seed this planet.”

  “Uh, well…” Cass began.

  Spiner stepped forward at that moment, regarding the Elder Council with his big black eyes, and said flatly, “We have come to see the Overlord.”

  The goat seemed to notice him for the first time then, and gasped. “Elders, it is the green-skinned God, as foretold by the Prophecy of the First!”

  A ripple of more gasps followed the goat’s words, then whispers rose among the council as they discussed what this new revelation might mean.

  Cass stepped closer to Harry, and pitched her voice low so the council couldn’t hear above all their whispering. “What in the heck is the Prophecy of the First?”

  Harry shook his head. “I’m not sure. Only members of the Elder Council are taught all the prophecies of our tribe. I’ve never heard of that one!”

  “Great,” Cass muttered. “It doesn’t have anything to do with Spiner getting sacrificed like what happened to you on Irrakis, does it?”

  That gave Harry pause. He wracked his brain, going over again all the histories and prophecies of his tribe he’d been taught before getting banished. But he couldn’t remember anything that said anything about anyone getting sacrificed. “Uh, I don’t think so,” he said, mostly sure his answer was correct.

  “Good.” She moved back into place beside Redbeard.

  At last Grandma Ambly shushed the rest of the council and stepped toward Spiner and Captain Cass. “If it is an audience with the Overlord you seek, you should know that it has remained silent for many generations. Still, we have remained faithful. We humbly continue to await The Word. Perhaps with your arrival, the Overlord will awaken at last.”

  “Perhaps,” Captain Cass mumbled, peering over the heads of the council to stare at the compound beyond. “Is that where the Overlord is, in one of those buildings over there?”

  Grandma Ambly turned to look over her shoulder, then nodded. “Yes. That is the Overlord’s Lair. None have succeeded in gaining entry in all our ancestors’ memory—except for the First Assrider. But … you are the Gods. Perhaps you will fare better than we, your humble servants.” She gave a bow of reverence much like the goat had before.

  The rest of the animals followed suit, but Harry noticed that Steve the mole’s bow was slow and reluctant and rather sloppy.

  “Blimey,” Redbeard muttered.

  “Thank you,” Cass said. “I think. Well,” she glanced toward Spiner, “shall we?”

  Spiner nodded. “Affirmative, Captain.” He started off across the field toward the compound, and Captain Cass, Bieber, and Redbeard fell into line behind him, with Zuckberg trotting after and giving Grandma Ambly a wide berth as he passed.

  Harry was left standing alone in front of the Elder Council. Suddenly, all eyes were on him. He shifted uncomfortably, feeling very exposed and awkward. “So … um. Hi! How’s it going? Long time no see.”

  Steve, the mole, ventured out from beneath the goat, appearing brave now that Zuckberg wasn’t around. He waddled out in front of the council and pushed up onto his stubby hind legs. His beady black eyes narrowed up at Harry. “You should not have returned, Harry, Chosen of the Gods or not. Tribal law is tribal law, and you were banished from these lands. Your return is a clear violation of—”

  “Blasphemy! Baah!” the goat insisted, interrupting her fellow elder. “The law of the Gods is far superior to the law of us mere mortal ticks! If Harry is the Chosen, he is surely redeemed. You should kneel before His Greatness and beg forgiveness for your insolence!” As if to demonstrate, the doe herself knelt in the grass and bowed her head.

  Grandma Ambly stepped up, gently nudging at the goat with her muzzle until she got back to her hooves. “Come on now, Betty, that’s enough.” She gave Steve a nudge with her muzzle too, but a harder one, making him topple over into the grass. “And you, too, Steve. Enough. We can debate the intricacies of tribal law later, at a more appropriate time. For now…” Her wise brown gaze found Harry, and she stepped up to him, nuzzling his neck. “Welcome home, Harry.”

  Harry found himself speechless at the unexpected welcome. The word stuck in his head, on replay. Home. He was home, wasn’t he? So why didn’t he feel happy?

  His grandma stepped back again and smiled. “After your wards disappeared,” she tilted her head in the direction of his donkey herd, “I thought you truly lost to me forever. I feared the worst. But now, against all odds, you have returned to us! I hope you have learned something from your adventures?”

  Harry’s ears shot straight up at the opportunity to share all he had experienced with the council. Maybe if they knew all he had done to help out his pirate—er, God—friends, they would accept him back into the tribe. If he could just prove to them how much he had learned…

  “Yes!” he said enthusiastically. “Oh yes, I have learned so much, Grandma Ambly! And I’ve seen things you would not believe!”


  “Try me,” she replied.

  Steve groaned, but was promptly hushed by Betty.

  “I’ve been to space, and to asteroids, and to different planets! I’ve been on a Federation flagship, got invited to a dinner party, and made so many new friends! I won a donkey race on Irrakis, was almost sacrificed to the Lord of Light—that was pretty scary, let me tell you—and helped steal the Federation’s secret weapon!”

  “Federation? Lord of Light?” Betty repeated. “What are these wonders he speaks of?”

  “Shhh.” Grandma Ambly’s tail swished her annoyance at the interruptions. “Go on, Harry.”

  Encouraged, Harry bulldozed on. “I was a pirate intern and did a really good job on my pirate intern duties, and now … now I’m a full-fledged pirate, so The Big T says!” He stood straighter and puffed out his chest much the same as Redbeard had done only moments earlier. “The Big T is the leader of the pirates of Haven … maybe you’ve heard of him?”

  The members of the Elder Council were all staring at him with wide eyes. The bull, who had said not a single word since his arrival, gave a massive snort. The squirrel’s tail twitched.

  The mole wiggled his tiny snout and rolled his tiny eyes. “Seems like the same ol’ Harry to me.”

  Grandma Ambly shot Steve a glare.

  Harry plowed onward, anxious to tell them about all the important things he’d done in his absence from Cern. He decided to leave out the fact he’d only come back to Cern as a favor to his friend Spiner. “...I got to be the tie-breaking vote, you know,” he finally concluded. “That’s how we ended up here.”

  “I am glad to see you again, Harry,” Grandma Ambly said. “You have changed, I can see that.” Her gaze went to Harry’s prosthetic legs, and he shifted uneasily under her scrutiny, suddenly wishing the grass was longer to hide them. “There is certainly something different about you…”