Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  He gulped, his enthusiasm over telling the council all about his adventures draining away. He realized then that if he told them everything, he’d have to tell them about what had happened to Buddy. He’d have to tell them about Buddy’s legs, and how he was now permanently fused with Buddy.

  He’d have to tell them about more of his failures.

  “Uh, yes,” he said quickly. “I sure have. I mean, I’m Chosen of the Gods now and all that. Big change, right? But, um, speaking of … well, I should probably get going now. Rejoin the Gods, visit the Overlord, you know ... that kind of thing. Been nice seeing you again!”

  With that, he hurriedly trotted off across the field after his pirate friends, leaving the Elder Council staring after him in confusion.

  18

  Harry

  Forgetting his prosthetics, Harry hurried along to the entrance of the Overlord’s Lair, not caring that he might appear less than Chosen-like. A confusing swirl of emotions warred with each other for his attention, but he wasn’t in any hurry to examine them further right now. He preferred instead to focus on the much more exciting pirate mission.

  … Whatever exactly it was that they were going to do at the Overlord’s Lair. Surely it would be more fun than continued conversation with the council and ruminating on his past failures!

  The rest of his crew were huddled around Bieber, (well, except for Zuckberg, who was sniffing along the perimeter and stopping every yard or so to lift his leg) who was fiddling with some sort of control panel on the door of one of the compound’s buildings. Or trying to fiddle with it.

  Bieber paused and glanced around the huddle. “Could someone give me a lift up? I can’t quite see what I’m doing.”

  Eager to occupy himself with something, anything, to distract him from his confrontation with his elders, Harry quickly announced his presence with an enthusiastic half-shout, “I can help!” Pushing his way past Redbeard, he sidled up alongside the rotund little Bieber. “You can sit on my back.”

  The engineer paused, eyeing Harry skeptically. “Hmm. Yes … yes, I suppose that would do. What am I supposed to do? Climb up?”

  Before Harry could give a proper response, Redbeard swooped in, bodily lifted the squat engineer, and plunked him down across Harry’s shoulders. Harry hadn’t been sure how Buddy would handle the weight, but his host hardly seemed to notice the rider’s presence at all.

  “Right,” said Bieber. “Harry, would you be a good sport and move a couple steps forward? Yes—no, one step right—yes, yes. No! A little left? Ah, good! Okay, stay perfectly still…”

  Harry tilted his head to try to get a better glimpse at what the engineer was doing with the console, but couldn’t make much sense of all the colored wires. “You’re pretty smart,” he said.

  “I know,” Bieber mumbled in reply, as he poked the end of a red wire into a tiny hole. Sparks flew everywhere, causing Harry to reflexively jump back and send the engineer tumbling off his back and to the ground with a thud. “Ouch!”

  Someone snickered.

  “Red!” Cass’s voice was a harsh whisper. “Help him up.”

  Redbeard muttered, “Bah, fine.”

  “Oh my gosh,” Harry started, “I didn’t mean to do that!”

  Bieber’s mouth pressed into a tight line as he directed a scowl first at Harry, then at Redbeard. “Hands off of me, you brute!”

  Redbeard shrugged and let go, which sent the little fellow tumbling to the ground once again. Despite himself, Harry giggled, earning himself another mean-face from the now-thoroughly-disheveled engineer.

  “Sorry,” Harry wheezed.

  Redbeard laughed along with Harry.

  Cass’s cough was enough to shut them both up. She stepped forward and offered Bieber a hand, which he reluctantly accepted.

  Brushing himself off, he gave a slow shake of the head and exhaled. “Fine, fine. Laugh all you want. It won’t help you get into this building any faster.”

  The captain asked, “Are you going to be able to do it?”

  “I don’t know,” Bieber replied. “I believe I made the right connections, but there must be another layer of security. The hardware itself is primitive, but the Overseer may have made other modifications over the centuries. Perhaps your ship’s computer could help?”

  Harry, eager to redeem himself, quickly chimed in, “Oh, yeah, Node? He’s great at hacking up things. Is that the right word?”

  “Eh, close enough,” Bieber answered.

  But Captain Cass shook her head. “I don’t want to involve Node unless we absolutely have to. I’m not sure we can trust him.”

  Spiner, who’d been so quiet up to this point as to become almost invisible, broke his silence. “Move aside. I can do it.”

  Redbeard gaped at the android. “Wha’? You?”

  Cass slugged the ginger giant in the arm. “Red!”

  Redbeard blushed. “Wha’ I mean ta say is, yer not that…”

  “Badass?” Harry supplied the first word that came to mind.

  “Err, no. Tha’s not it.”

  “Oh,” Harry replied. “Well, you know, he is … in his own way. A badass.”

  Cass sighed, straightening and pulling her shoulders back. “Okay, look. We’re not trying to offend you, Spiner. You are a fully-capable, dependable pirate.”

  Spiner appeared unmoved by the whole exchange. “I am not offended, Captain.” He stepped up to the locked entry and squatted down to eye-height to inspect the panel, then reached in with a single finger. “I understand, completely. One moment, I’ve almost got this.”

  “Blimey, when’d you get so…” Redbeard paused, looking around for support.

  “Smart?” Bieber supplied.

  Harry didn’t like seeing his friend picked on, even if the android didn’t seem to mind. “That’s not very nice.”

  “Wha’?” Redbeard asked, looking indignant.

  Spiner, still poking around in the panel, said, “It’s okay, Harry. Though he may not deserve it, I owe Node a debt of gratitude.”

  Now it was Captain Cass’s turn to appear confused. “What?”

  WHOOSH.

  Harry took an involuntary step back as the entry to the lair slid open and a rush of stale air blew over them, though whatever lay beyond the threshold appeared to be unlit. “Whoa, you did it!”

  Spiner stood. “Of course. The restraints on my capabilities have been lifted, though I am unsure how—or why—they were placed upon me in the first place. I can only assume it was an active choice by my creator.”

  Redbeard cursed softly under his breath, but an expanding grin split his face.

  Cass’s brow was lowered, her lips curled into a thoughtful frown.

  “Umm, excuse me?” Bieber said. “I’m sure this is all very interesting, but I’m going inside.” Without waiting for a response, the engineer stepped across the threshold into the lair. As soon as he did so, his immediate surroundings lit up around him, though from Harry’s angle, he still couldn’t see much.

  “Oh, hey, wow!” came Zuckberg’s enthusiastic tones as he rounded the corner from behind the building. “You got it open! Do you think there’s any dogs in there?”

  No one deigned to answer him. “Shall we?” Spiner asked, his gaze level with the captain’s.

  In response, Cass shrugged. “After you.”

  Spiner gave a nod and marched inside, followed by Captain Cass and a bounding, tail-wagging Zuckberg.

  That left Harry alone with Redbeard. He hesitated, suddenly grasping the full potential of this moment. He looked up to his huge pirate pal. “My tribe thinks I’m the Chosen of the Gods, thanks to you. And now I’m going to be the first of our tribe to enter this lair since … well, since the First.”

  Redbeard squatted down and patted him on the flank. “Think nuthin’ of it, ‘Arry. Yer tribe doesn’t know wha’ they be missin’. Yer pirate material, an’ tha’ counts fer a lot, in me book.”

  Harry felt something squirming around deep in his chest, simul
taneously swelling and pounding. It made him feel like he might be glowing. Or floating. He swallowed hard. “Thanks, Redbeard.”

  Redbeard squinted. “Course. No tearin’ up on me, now.”

  “Sorry.” Harry sniffed.

  “Pirates don’t be apologizin’, now, do they? C’mon, let’s see wha’s inside.”

  The swelling inside his chest didn’t subside, but Harry did his best to compose himself into a proper pirate badass. “Right. Think it’s in there?”

  “Hmm?” Redbeard replied.

  “The Overlord.”

  Redbeard regained his feet and shrugged, huge hands held out to the sides. “I don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout tha’. Guess we’ll be seein’.”

  “I guess so.”

  “You’re not scared, arrr ye?” Redbeard asked.

  “A little,” Harry confessed.

  “C’mon,” Redbeard coaxed. “I’ll keep ye safe.”

  Harry couldn’t help but smile. Sticking close to Redbeard’s side, he stepped through the entry into the Overlord’s Lair, and what he saw took his breath away.

  “Woah.”

  19

  McGee

  “Cut power to half-impulse!” boomed Eilhard the Blowhard. They’d only been flying together for a day in this cramped ship, and already the dude was grating on McGee’s nerves. It had been bad enough serving under him when he’d been the Rear Admiral of the Federation. Now, with his command stripped, he seemed determined to overcompensate. If McGee didn’t know better—no, scratch that, he didn’t know better—he’d say Hawke wasn’t just flying a small ship (a corvette-class ship, to be accurate), but also a small tadger.

  Of all the ships the Blowhard could have possibly acquired, he’d chosen Bambi Casuarius’s ship at impound, the same ship McGee had stowed aboard to get back to Federation space. Not that McGee cared what they flew in, but Hawke was sure to slip this fact into conversation every few hours. If only he’d shut up.

  Even so, money was money, especially now that McGee was technically a Federation Navy deserter—a secret he was more than happy to keep from his self-titular captain.

  “Aye, Captain,” he replied, working to execute the order.

  He had to admit, as his fingers fumbled over the piloting controls, this part of the job was kind of fun. Besides being on the small side, the ship was pretty slick, actually. For the flicker of a second, McGee wondered what it might be like to be a pirate. But then he shoved that thought aside.

  He’d never been let close to any ship controls, not since his Academy days, at least. Finishing second-to-last in his class hadn’t helped his chances of sitting on a bridge. In fact, his many commanders over the past several years had had little clue what to do with him. Hawke’s bizarre bioengineering project with dogs had turned out to be a blessing for him … that is, until his ward had started talking.

  “Dang it, McGee, that’s full impulse power,” Hawke complained.

  McGee bit down on the urge to tell his captain to stuff it. “Right, sorry. One sec.”

  “That’s better.” Hawke’s shadow loomed over his shoulder. The idiot liked to pace the bridge. Frequently.

  “What’s the plan, Captain?” He could almost feel Hawke’s breath on the back of his neck, then the feeling faded. McGee exhaled quietly in relief.

  “We make a stealthy approach to Kepler-One-Eight-Six-Eff and scan the planet for ships. If we’re lucky, it’ll only be our prey there. If we’re unlucky? Well…”

  The man had no idea. McGee idly wondered if Hawke had ever been good at his job, or if years of delegation had made his brain go soft. “Right, so what then, s’posing we’re lucky?”

  The cushion of the command chair slowly exhaled, signaling an end to Hawke’s current circuit around the small bridge. “We go in, scan for life. See how close we can get. The closer to the signal, the better. Then, uh, you know, we’ll take them by surprise.”

  “Oh, I see. Very good, sir.”

  McGee had learned early-on, working for this man, that compliments went a long way. In fact, he was reasonably sure that was how he’d earned his promotion to Corporal. Good old-fashioned arse-kissing. The extra drink credits that went with the promotion hadn’t exactly done wonders for his liver—or bladder, truth be told—but they’d certainly helped him tolerate his job. Granted, once he’d had his chance to escape, back on that shithole ice planet, he’d been more than ready. Hawke and the others were so incompetent, they hadn’t even noticed their stowaway on the ride back to Star Station Alpha.

  Hawke was already back to pacing. Damn the man. “Are we close enough to scan yet?”

  “Not yet, sir.”

  Hawke let out a theatrical sigh. “Very well, very well … I’m going to my quarters for a bit. Let me know as soon as we’re in range.”

  “Of course, Captain.”

  The door to the bridge was already hissing closed.

  McGee rolled his eyes. “‘Bout time I had a moment to myself,” he muttered under his breath. “This money better be worth my time ... I’m done with working for The Man.”

  20

  Harry

  The whole place was filled with machinery the likes of which Harry had never seen before, not even on all of his adventures since joining up with pirates. He gawked at it, wondering what all of it could possibly be used for.

  It looked old, though, a bit rusty in some places. And the whole place was covered in a thick layer of dust. Cobwebs stretched across many of the corners and in-between the various machines, the spiders within them scurrying away to safety as the lights across the rest of the space flared to life.

  “Well,” Captain Cass muttered, “at least the lights still work.” She turned to Spiner. “What exactly are you looking for here, anyway?”

  The android peered around at the defunct contraptions, and then shrugged. “I am not entirely sure, Captain.”

  Cass’s shoulders slumped and she smacked a hand to her forehead, then ran it over her face. “Of course.”

  There was a doorway to another room at the back of this one, which Harry guessed must lead to what the legends of his tribe had always referred to as the Inner Sanctum. He trotted up to Spiner’s side and nodded toward it. “The stories of the Overlord say it resides within the Inner Sanctum. Which I think is that room there. If you wanted to meet the Overlord, I think that’s where it would be.”

  Spiner looked down to Harry with his expressionless black eyes. He smiled and patted Harry on the head between the ears. “Thank you, Harry. I will investigate this Inner Sanctum.”

  Harry beamed with pride, happy to be useful again.

  Spiner headed straight for the door, and Captain Cass quickly matched his step, her hand resting on the pistol at her hip.

  “I’ll, uh … I’d better go with you,” she said.

  “As you wish,” Spiner replied. He did not appear concerned.

  The captain, however, did seem concerned.

  Unlike the door to the outside, this door slid open on its own as they approached it. Harry watched them step through, and the door shut again behind them, but he had no real desire to see the Overlord himself. Tales of the being, whatever it was, were mostly benign … but it was said to be old. Very, very old. And the seeder of all life on Cern. His tribe had been brought to life by the Overlord, and given their life’s purpose by the Overlord.

  Meeting such a creature seemed rather … intimidating. Especially in his current condition.

  Facing the Elder Council had been bad enough.

  Harry gulped and moved casually away from the Inner Sanctum door, going to see what the rest of his crew was doing, instead. He was a little worried about Spiner and the captain … but surely they could take care of themselves. They were full-fledged, badass pirates, after all. And they had weapons.

  Which Harry did not.

  If anything did go wrong, surely they could fend for themselves. Or at least he’d probably hear screaming, and then everyone could run to their aid.

 
; Having convinced himself Spiner and Captain Cass were fine, Harry trotted over to join Bieber, who was rooting around in a pile of various mechanical parts.

  The squat engineer shoved a few stray tools off the top of a thick cylindrical machine about his same height, then stepped back and squinted at it. “Yes. Yes, I think this will work.”

  Redbeard was on the other side of the room, brushing dust off of a footlocker. He coughed and sneezed explosively, dislodging another storm of dust to swirl through the air. “Wha’ will work?” he asked absently, though he didn’t seem to really care about whatever Bieber was doing.

  “As a remote-bot, of course.”

  “Huh,” Redbeard muttered. He opened the footlocker and rummaged around inside of it. Who knew what he was looking for, if anything particular.

  Harry was sure now that Redbeard was paying no attention whatsoever to Bieber, so he asked the question that was burning at the front of his mind. “What’s a remote-bot?”

  Bieber turned to Harry, then removed his spectacles and wiped them with the hem of his shirt. “You know, for your friend, Node.”

  Harry’s ears perked. “Oh! Right!” But then he remembered Captain Cass’s suspicions of the ship’s AI, and his enthusiasm dampened. “But, um … is that really a good idea? The captain might not like that very much. She’s still really mad at Node for taking over Spiner’s body without permission.”

  “Oh?” Bieber slid his spectacles back into place. “Your computer friend might be more reliable if he didn’t feel confined to the ship, don’t you think?”

  Harry considered this point. Node had seemed very upset at missing out on all the adventure. If he had a way to participate himself, wouldn’t he be more cooperative? “I suppose you’re right,” he said at last. “I bet he would like that a lot!”