The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Should you find yourself in this spot, try to remember this mantra: Don’t look down. Instead, take one step. Then take another. Don’t imagine in vivid detail exactly how bad it would feel to fall into the shark pit or the quicksand or whatever horror you’re convinced is waiting for you in the final stretch. Don’t think about how many steps you still have to go. Focus on this step—and know that “doing nothing” might be the step.

  When your thoughts wander to The Big Horrors, reply with a firm, “Don’t look down,” and focus on whatever is happening right now. Instead of thinking about the next year, maybe let yourself think only about the next month. With practice, you’ll be able to limit your thinking to just the next week. Finally, you’ll be able to focus on just the next twenty-four hours.

  Not thinking about the future after my ex left was hard for me, but it wasn’t as difficult as I expected. I realized I had no choice. The alternative—feeling like my heart was going to beat through my chest every day because I was so stressed about what might happen in six months—wasn’t practical.

  It was also a huge relief. It’s not like thinking about all the potentially terrible outcomes ever really felt good or effectively prepared me for what might come. Focusing on the present moment gave me the brain space I needed to tackle the tasks, big and small, that were necessary to move forward. Once I stopped looking down every ten seconds and quit thinking about the other side so much, I was able to get across some of the toughest stretches.

  I had always thought of the phrase “one day at a time” as a fairly empty cliché, but finally, after several weeks of operating this way, something clicked: Oh, I have to take this one day at a time. There is no other option. It became the best survival mechanism in my tool kit. So if you’re overwhelmed by all of the possible worst-case scenarios, try thinking smaller. Take a tiny next step. When the time comes, take another. And don’t look down.

  Embrace rituals.

  Even if you’re really struggling, try to identify potential little rituals in your daily life that allow you to briefly connect to something beautiful, pleasurable, or sacred. Rituals serve to acknowledge the magnitude of your situation and to connect what is happening to you in this moment to the rest of humanity, past and present.

  And involving your people in bigger rituals can help you feel grounded and supported. In The Joy of Missing Out, Svend Brinkmann writes that communal rituals (like singing “Happy Birthday” or sitting shiva) “are used to focus collective attention on important matters in certain situations. Every individual can seek to cultivate their own small landscape of everyday rituals to endow their lives with form, but this also has to be done at the collective level, where people do things together.”20 So, yeah—go ahead and host a funeral for your pet, have a reverse barn raising after your divorce (where your friends help you pack up your ex’s stuff to sell or donate), or throw a big-ass “I’m coming out” party.

  Add structure to your indoor/hideaway behavior.

  When you’re struggling, you’ll probably want to spend a lot of time hunkered down in bed or on the couch. And that’s fine! But being a little more thoughtful about that time can go a long way. For example, instead of letting Netflix tell you what to watch for a month straight, you could go through all of the best rom-coms from the past twenty years, or watch every episode of an old sitcom like I Love Lucy. Instead of scrolling through Instagram for hours, you could work your way through the entire Harry Potter series on audiobook. No need to get super ambitious here; the point is to look for small ways to upgrade the behavior that typically leaves you feeling sluggish and blah and turn it into something slightly more energizing.

  “Healthy” Coping Mechanisms

  If you’re reading this book, there’s a good chance you care about choosing “healthy” coping mechanisms—and it’s easy to believe that going to the gym is the “good” or “right” way to deal, while going out for drinks with friends is “wrong.” But I think it really depends on the person and the situation; when I’m struggling, I try to remind myself that seemingly healthy behaviors can still be used to self-medicate or to avoid dealing with my problems.

  When you’re going through a hard time, maybe going for a run would actually be the best thing in that moment. But it could be that the “unhealthy” habit of getting drinks with friends would be the better choice. Or maybe neither would! Sometimes, feelings like anger and grief and stress are not a problem that can be solved!

  If you can’t tell if you’re taking a legitimate break from your pain, or avoiding dealing with your life, therapist Ryan Howes suggests having a plan or even a schedule for engaging with whatever is stressing you out. That might mean addressing it daily, or a few times a week, or during weekly therapy sessions. “Having a plan makes a big impact,” Howes says. “Any sort of a plan, really. That’s the way we regain control. And coping is really about taking back some control.”

  It’s also helpful to remember that some discomfort is to be expected. As Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell write in There Is No Good Card for This, most of us were taught very early in life that loss is intolerable. Grief and loss are painful, and of course we don’t want to tolerate that pain—we want it to go away. But sometimes, you just . . . can’t. Sometimes you’re just going to feel bad.

  When You Can’t Do Anything, Clean Your Bathroom

  Whenever I’m pacing around my home and/or kind of spiraling, and know I should do something but can’t decide what it should be, I’ll clean my bathroom. I don’t overthink it; I just go. And fifteen to twenty minutes later (which is about how long it takes me to clean my bathroom, despite what I like to tell myself when I’m avoiding doing it), my sink is sparkling and I feel better.

  Why cleaning the bathroom? Because it tends to be a short and contained chore—unlike, say, cleaning your closet, which you’ll start with the best of intentions and then somehow spend seventy-five dollars ordering hangers online before falling asleep on piles of clothes—BUT it’s just long enough to help you get clarity on what to do next and to leave you feeling accomplished. It’s basically pressing the reset button in a panic moment. It’s also one area of your home that could always benefit from a little cleaning!

  Tackling Basic Tasks

  When you’re struggling, everyday tasks (like feeding yourself, sleeping, chores, etc.) can be the hardest to accomplish—which can be very disorienting. Like, “Wait, I can plan a whole funeral while eight months pregnant but can’t wash my hair or make myself dinner???” But yes—it’s a thing! During a rough period, taking care of yourself in the most basic ways might be much, much harder than you’d expect.

  It can be a huge shock when you suddenly find yourself unable to complete activities that you previously did without a second thought. In my own life, the fact that I could barely feed myself upset me more than the realization that I wasn’t going to be on top of my game at work for a little while. Suddenly being unable to do the things that you’ve always considered basic care can make you feel helpless; it’s a very vulnerable place to be, and it can be hard to admit you’re there. But if you are there, try not to beat yourself up for not being able to do “simple” tasks—because nothing is simple when your life is falling apart, and it’s pretty well established that humans struggle to complete basic tasks when they are having a hard time. And “humans” includes you.

  Even if you’re unable to engage in these behaviors at the level you normally would, it’s still important to find a way to do some version of them—particularly if you’re tempted to deprioritize them and instead look for other, sexier ways to feel better. I know that when you’re in crisis mode, you may truly not have the option to do less at work, at school, or as a parent so that you can focus on taking care of yourself. But consider this your gentle reminder that if you’re not sleeping or eating or drinking enough water, you’re probably not going to be able to manage the rest of what’s on your plate. These are the survival tasks; they aren’t something you can blow off for extended p
eriods of time without consequences.

  If you’re struggling to take care of yourself and meet your most basic needs, read on for some tips that might be helpful.

  Nourishing Yourself

  Welcome shelf-stable and frozen foods into your life.

  When you’re going through a rough time, your schedule, appetite, and energy levels can be unpredictable, which can mean you end up wasting fresh groceries. That’s why frozen foodstuffs—like vegetables, fish, potatoes, and pierogis—can be a godsend. They don’t require much in the way of prep or cleanup and won’t go bad in three days. Along with frozen foods, consider embracing beans, pasta, peanut butter, packaged ramen, and canned tuna. They last a while and have the added bonus of being relatively cheap.

  Don’t sleep on toast and tea.

  Toast and tea are classics for a reason, and there are more options for toast than your standard butter with cinnamon sugar (though I eat that for dinner . . . not infrequently). Lately I’ve been into toast with tahini, sliced banana, a drizzle of honey, and dried lavender buds (which you can buy on Amazon). It feels fancy but isn’t fussy, which is my favorite kind of meal.

  Remember, it’s OK to eat the exact same meals over and over again.

  Once you figure out something that works for you (like toast and tea!), it’s completely fine to just stick with it for a while! My go-to meals when I’m struggling (and even when I’m not, TBH) are Sue Kreitzman’s lemon butter pasta and Smitten Kitchen’s chickpea pasta (see the Further Reading section for links to both recipes); both are fast, easy, inexpensive, and nourishing, and are made from ingredients that will last in your pantry for a while.

  Bathing

  Remember: You don’t have to take a shower shower to clean yourself.

  If you don’t have it in you to take a full shower, you could clean the grossest parts of your body with a soapy washcloth or cleansing towelette to remove odor-causing bacteria. (Grossest parts of your body = “face, underarms, under the breasts, genitals, and rear end,” according to dermatologist Joshua Zeichner.) If the idea of washing/drying your hair is what is overwhelming, get a drugstore shower cap and take more body showers.

  Put on clean clothes (or clean underwear), if you can.

  Humans shed a lot of odor-causing bacteria in our clothes, which is good news if you want to shower less. If you’re worried you’re starting to smell a little funky, make sure you’re changing your clothes and undergarments regularly. One of my firm rules no matter how bad things get is to always swap the clothes I slept in and for fresh day clothes in the morning—even if I’m just getting back in bed. These day clothes don’t have to be nice or formal or anything, either. Just clean-ish!

  Take a bath instead of a shower.

  A lot of people find baths relaxing, but they also serve a practical purpose: cleaning your meatsack! And if you don’t have the time or energy or bathtub for a full-on Calgon-take-me-away soak, consider the budget version of it, aka just sitting down on the floor of your tub while your shower runs.

  Soak/wash your feet!

  God, what a treat.

  Sleep

  Take note of how much sleep you’re getting.

  As I mentioned in Chapter 3, it can be very easy to tell yourself you’re fine . . . while your actual habits tell a different story. And sleep is foundational to our physical and mental health. So make a point of recording how many hours of sleep you’re getting each night, the frequency and duration of naps, and/or notes on how well you’re sleeping.

  Know that sleeping all the time (or being exhausted all the time) can be a sign of depression.

  It can be difficult to realize you’re sleeping all the time because of mental health issues because it can feel so physical—like, you’re actually tired, so sleeping feels like the correct response. That’s why it’s a good idea to track your sleeping habits, and to talk to your health care provider if you are always exhausted or spending a lot of time sleeping.

  Be even more conscious of how much time you’re spending online or streaming shows or movies before you go to bed.

  When you’re dealing with a lot, zoning out is very, very appealing. And I hate that when you already have so much going on, you have to worry about whether or not you’re on Instagram too damn much. But being on your phone before bed isn’t doing you any favors, and might in fact be keeping you from a good night’s sleep (or just an extra couple of hours). If at all possible, give yourself a hard cutoff time for phone usage and try to find an analogue way to zone out before bed (e.g., coloring, doing extremely easy crossword puzzles, or reading the paperback equivalent of a reality TV show).

  If you have to choose between sleep and other things that might make you feel good (like exercise or cooking at home), choose sleep.

  Sleep is so core to our health and to everything we do—don’t skimp on it in the name of other “healthy” activities.

  Cleaning Your Space

  When life gets rough, it doesn’t take long for our homes to start to reflect that chaos. But it doesn’t take a giant crisis to make taking care of your space difficult! Anyone’s home can be a big ol’ mess, especially if you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, ADHD, chronic illness, or chronic pain. So if/when you need a little help handling your havoc, here are some of my favorite tips from Rachel Hoffman in her excellent book Unf*ck Your Habitat.

  Prioritize cleaning things that smell bad or have the potential to smell bad.

  So: laundry, the fridge, trash, dishes, litter boxes. If that’s all you can do for now, that’ll still make a pretty meaningful difference in how clean your place is (and how clean it feels).

  Or start by tackling the flat surfaces (in five-minute bursts).

  As Hoffman puts it, “tidy up your tops”—it’ll give you a lot of bang for your buck. So: Locate the nearest flat surface (like your nightstand or your kitchen table). Got it? Cool. Now set a timer for five minutes and take as much as you can off that surface (and put those things where they belong) in that time. That’s it!

  If possible, put a garbage can in every room.

  Having a trash can near your bed and one by your couch means your side tables won’t be sacrificed to greasy takeout containers, snotty tissues, empty Gatorade bottles, and crusty contact lenses when you simply don’t have it in you to go to the kitchen or bathroom to toss them.

  Recognize when you need help.

  When I was eighteen and living on my own for the first time, my dirty dishes became A Problem. I hated doing them (STILL DO! UGGHHHH WATER CHORES!!!) and I let them pile up in the sink for so long that I was pretty sure the dishes at the bottom were growing mold, but I couldn’t bear to find out. One day, my friend Amelia came by my apartment, saw the mess, and just . . . offered to do the dishes for me. Like, wholeheartedly offered—because she doesn’t mind doing dishes and could probably also see that these dishes needed to be done and I was clearly too stuck in a shame spiral to do it. So even though I felt guilty and embarrassed, I let her do my dishes. It took her like twenty minutes. (She showed me the mold she uncovered and it wasn’t actually that bad or scary!) It was so kind and such a huge gift, but also not that big a deal, you know? My point: When people offer to help you, believe that they mean it. And if no one has explicitly offered, know that it’s still OK to ask for and accept help.

  Try to have one positive interaction with your home each day.

  “Try to do something—anything really—that allows you to interact positively with your home every day,” Hoffman says. “Whether that’s cleaning, organization, or even just displaying something that makes you happy, aim for getting one thing done every day that makes you feel better about where you live.”

  Let Yourself Throw Money at the Problem

  Money can’t solve all your problems or bring back the life you’ve lost, but it can still help a lot—particularly when everyday tasks are turning into giant stressors or huge stumbling blocks. Money can pay for everything from grocery delivery to taxis to a professional
house cleaning to the cost of a canceled flight. To paraphrase my friend Meg Keene, there will be times when you think, “I do not care about this thing and I will rip out my eyes if I have to think about it for one more second. Hence, I will throw money at it.”21 When you’re struggling, money pays for convenience, and the ability to be a tiny bit less stressed out.

  Of course, this won’t always be an option—it obviously requires that you have money, which not everyone does! But if you do have a little money and just aren’t giving yourself permission to spend it, remember the classic Don Draper quote that I will now use completely out of context: “That’s what the money is for!!!”

  How to Tell People You’re Going Through a Tough Time

  As a fairly private and generally upbeat person, I spent most of my life staying silent whenever I was going through a difficult time. I actively avoided telling people—particularly my coworkers and casual friends, but even close friends, too—that I wasn’t doing well. But there are two big reasons I’ve started doing it more regularly. First, being honest is a relief. Going through a difficult time can feel a lot like carrying a stack of delicate china while walking on a tightrope. What you don’t need at that moment is to have to hide how much you are struggling to keep everything from falling out of your arms—or worse, to pretend it’s a breeze. You may not be able to set down the china or step off the tightrope right now, but you can at least admit that what you’re doing is hard.

  Second, being honest gives other people an opportunity to show up for you. When you’re in the midst of a crisis or low period, it can be hard to remember how much people care about you or to believe that their support will actually make you feel better. And hey, maybe it won’t help! But don’t underestimate the power of a supportive friend or community; even just a heartfelt “I’m so sorry to hear that” or “That sounds really tough, and I’m here for you” can make you feel a lot less alone and less afraid. Sure, there might not be anything they can do to change or fix the situation, but your candor opens the door for other forms of support, including hugs, cute kitten videos, a few freezer meals, or just extra kindness and grace. You don’t have to share your private business with everyone you encounter to feel this relief and support; in my experience, it comes from simply telling one or two people a little bit about what’s going on (especially if they are people you see or talk to fairly regularly).