The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  If you struggle with receiving care, consider that when you let people show up for you it’s good not only for you but for them, too, and could in turn be great for your friendship. As Shasta Nelson says, “There are downsides to pretending we don’t have needs: It denies that we’re human, and it robs our friends of the joy of giving. We’re not as fun to play with if we only sit at the bottom of the teeter-totter, never giving our friend a chance to push us up.”22

  A lot of us take it as indisputable fact that no one who asks “How are you?” wants a real answer. But . . . is that really always the case? Why have we all decided that this is true? I ask people how they are doing every day, and even if I’m sometimes saying it out of habit, I still want to know. And I’m not unusual in this regard; while there are certainly exceptions to this, it’s likely that the people in your everyday life do actually care on some level. But even if the asker isn’t consciously looking for the most honest answer, they likely won’t recoil in horror when you offer it.

  If you’re worried about burdening someone who just wanted to exchange pleasantries, that can be mitigated by what you share and how you share it (more on this in a moment). But in the age of perfectly curated and relentlessly positive social media posts, a lot of people welcome a conversation with someone who is willing to be vulnerable. If we were all a little more honest in the moments that we’re not doing well, maybe we’d all feel a little better.

  When you’re thinking about whether and how to be more honest, consider two things: what you’re comfortable with sharing and your relationship with the other person. Ideally, what you say should match the level of intimacy you currently have. Nelson frames this kind of opening up in the context of what she calls the “frientimacy triangle.” The three sides of the triangle are positivity (which in this context means genuine interest, joy, amusement, humor, and pleasantness); consistency (i.e., spending time together, which establishes confidence and trust in the relationship); and vulnerability (sharing more personal details, being willing to be exposed and honest).

  Positivity, because it’s a baseline requirement, forms the base of the triangle. But in this usage, positivity is not about being intractably upbeat. “Positivity does not refer to what we’re talking about,” Nelson told me. It refers to the joy, interest, humor, gratitude, and warmth that are present in each conversation and in the relationship as a whole. “Even when we’re hurting, we can be grateful, we can be curious, we can affirm other people. It’s still our job to make sure people leave the conversation feeling valued.”

  Once a baseline of positivity is established, Nelson says, consistency and vulnerability (the two arms of the triangle) should move upward at roughly the same pace. So if the consistency (the amount of time you’ve spent together, the length of the relationship, and so on) is relatively low (think of a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10), whatever you share will probably be relatively low in vulnerability as well. You can still be honest with people you have met fairly recently, but recognize that a new friend likely isn’t the best audience for every messy detail of your life. “It’s always appropriate to share what’s going on in your life, but we shouldn’t be processing with the people at the bottom of the triangle,” Nelson says.

  Let’s say you’re going through a divorce. With the friends who are at level 1 or 2 on both consistency and vulnerability, Nelson suggests you might say, “I’m going through a divorce and not gonna lie, it’s pretty rough. But I am looking forward to making new friends and keeping busy and trying to remind myself that there is plenty of love and fun to be had in the world.” With a level 9 or 10 person—like, say, a sibling you’re really tight with or your lifelong best friend—you might share the ways it’s affecting your children, your fears about dating again, and the fact that you cry yourself to sleep every night. As for everyone in the middle? Aim to share in a way that gives the other person the information and context you feel is most important (whether that’s “I feel sad” or “I need to take a few days off”)while still making clear that you don’t expect this person to react like a very close friend (or a therapist) would. “Share a little and see how the person responds,” Nelson says. “Pay attention to social cues. Are they asking questions? Is it only one-way sharing?”

  Nelson says you can practice positivity even when you’re down by thanking the other person for listening, giving them permission to be happy about whatever is going on in their own life, being willing to laugh when you can, and remembering to say, “But enough about me; what’s new with you?”23

  If you’re worried that being honest about your feelings will make you seem like a Debbie Downer, I get it—I’ve been there too. These tips have helped me think about my relationships as a whole instead of focusing on every individual interaction. When I zoom out to get that perspective, I can see that it’s perfectly OK for me to be a little more vulnerable and authentic with my friends—in part because we’re all doing our best to bring that genuine positivity, even when things are shit.

  Don’t Mistake a Level 4 Friend for a Level 9 Friend

  During our conversation, Shasta Nelson said something I’ve been thinking about ever since. We were talking about the levels of friendship, and I commented that most of us probably don’t have that many friends at a level 9 or 10—like, not that many people would reach that level of intimacy in our lives, right? She replied, “Many of us don’t have anyone up there.” She went on to say that if you don’t have a lot of friends in the top tier, it’s easy to treat level 4 or 5 friends like they are level 9 or 10 friends—because they are your “best” friends, even if they aren’t actually your best friends. It’s truly a bummer not to have someone who feels like Your Person, but trying to fast-track friendship in this way tends to backfire. So before you unload on your friends, it can be worthwhile to take an honest look at the relationship. Does the sharing go both ways? Are you Their Person, too? Or are you vaunting them to a higher level of friendship when it’s not really appropriate or earned?

  If you’re thinking that being more open would make you feel better but simply have no idea how to respond to “How are you?,” here are some ideas that you can use as a jumping-off point.

  What to say

  “Eh, I’ve been better, honestly! I’d rather not get into it, but I’d appreciate any good vibes you want to send my way right now.”

  “Honestly, it’s been a rough few [days/weeks]. I’m dealing with some [stressful stuff in my personal life/family drama/family stuff/health problems/stuff] and could use some good vibes right now.”

  And try not to overthink the phrase you use to describe the situation here! “Some stressful stuff in my personal life” can cover pretty much everything, and you don’t owe anyone a full explanation on exactly what’s going on with your latest round of IVF and how it’s affecting your body and your marriage. The point is to convey, “I’m not OK and I don’t really want to get into why.” There are no vulnerability police who are going to throw you in jail for not choosing the exact “correct” phrasing for your specific issue.

  If you want to be a little more forthcoming, try one of these:

  “Honestly, it’s been a rough few weeks; my mom is having some health problems. But I’m hanging in there!”

  “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. No need to worry—she has great doctors and I have a good support system in place. I don’t really want to talk about it now, but I wanted you to know in case I seem a little distracted or start taking more time off than usual.”

  “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer, and her prognosis isn’t good. She’ll be moving into hospice care later this week. I’m doing my best to keep it together, but I’m devastated. I don’t really want to talk about it right now, but I wanted you to know in case I seem [distracted/tired/weepy/out of it/down] or start taking more time off than usual.”

  (Of course, you can skip the “I don’t really want to talk about it�
� if you’re actually comfortable talking about it!)

  It’s also a good idea to set some boundaries in terms of sharing this information with others. Doing this is helpful for everyone involved—because if your friends know exactly what your expectations are, they are less likely to gossip and less likely to accidentally tell someone what’s going on. So you may want to add something like, “So far, the only people I’ve told are Kai and Alex. I’d appreciate if you kept this between us for now so I can tell everyone else in my own time.”

  And if it’s not something you want to keep super private, you could say something like, “So far, I haven’t told a lot of people but I’m not trying to hide it either.”

  Sharing Bad News Far and Wide

  One of the worst aspects of experiencing something terrible is having to manage other people’s reactions to your bad news. But even if you know everyone around you will be supportive, having to talk about a painful experience is, well, painful, and sharing the news publicly (or semi-publicly) is often what makes it feel real for the first time.

  To share bad news with a group, you can modify one of the scripts from above so it sounds more like this:

  “Hi, everyone, I have some bad news to share today: My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer, and her prognosis isn’t good. She’ll be moving into hospice care later this week. I’m doing my best to keep it together, but I’m devastated. I don’t really want to talk about it right now, but I wanted you all to know what is going on.”

  You may also want to add something like, “I don’t need anything right now, but I’m also accepting hugs and heart emojis,” which communicates, I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s also OK to let me know you read this and that you care. Most people genuinely just want to know what to do and say and are worried about doing the “wrong” thing; it’s totally OK (and, honestly, a kindness) to tell them exactly what you need!

  As for the medium, you have a few options. While some people might argue that bad news has to be shared via phone or IRL, I disagree—I think texts, emails, and even status updates are appropriate in a lot of circumstances.

  Email might feel formal, but I prefer it to texting for a few reasons. First, people tend to check their email when they are in the mood to read/receive emails. By sending an email, you increase the chances that they will read it at a time that is good for them, which means they can respond more thoughtfully. Speaking of responses, sending emails means people are more likely to reply via email—which means you can better control when you read and engage with these messages.

  That said, texts are perfectly fine. A status update (on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) can also work if you’ve already told the people in your inner circle and are now trying to reach a more extended network. And if you choose to share the news digitally, you may want to do it either first thing in the morning or in the evening (outside of common working hours) so that people are able to process the information and properly respond.

  If you don’t have it in you to communicate the information on your own, don’t overlook the power of good gossip when it comes to sharing bad news. Good gossip here means gossip that you’ve blessed and/or requested—because it means you aren’t burdened with telling people over and over again. This might look like asking one really thoughtful coworker to quietly tell all your other coworker pals that something bad is happening, or asking your BFF to be the one to inform your extended friend group about your divorce news. If you go that route, you may also want to ask the intermediary to share your expectations about privacy and further discussion, like so:

  “They asked me to share this with you.”

  “You should definitely still feel free to reach out to them.”

  “They know I’m telling you but would prefer not to talk about it this weekend at book club.”

  Dealing with Nosy Folks

  If someone starts asking for a lot of details or trying to engage you in a way that you’re not comfortable with (which may or may not be rooted in a genuine desire to help), here are some responses you can try.

  What to say

  “I don’t really want to talk about it, to be honest. Can we change the subject?”

  “I’d really prefer not to get into the details. Let’s move on!”

  “Honestly, the thing I need right now is to talk/think about it less. So, I’d love to hear what’s new with you!”

  “Oh, that’s not a good brunch conversation.”

  “I’m actually finding this conversation pretty overwhelming and would like to take a break from it, please.”

  If you can, try to keep your tone neutral; they’ll likely be embarrassed, and dealing with their defensiveness or a big wounded shame spiral is the last thing you need right now. Of course, if they really won’t cut it out or you just don’t have it in you to be gentle, it’s OK to be less gracious in your response.

  Here’s what you might say if a sharper response is called for.

  “That’s actually a really personal question and I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Wow, that’s a really inappropriate question.”

  “That’s a really strange thing to say to someone in my situation.”

  “That’s a really hurtful thing to say. What the fuck?”

  [Deep frown, scowl, side-eye, or some other form of body language that communicates “Oh, absolutely no.”]

  Ultimately, what you choose to share, who you share that information with, and how you communicate it is super personal and completely up to you. Figuring out what level of vulnerability you’re comfortable with in different relationships takes experimentation and practice—and might change over time, or depending on what exactly you’re dealing with.

  Sometimes, being honest can feel like self-care; other times, it might feel like a burden. But when I’m struggling, I find it helpful to simply remember that I have a choice, that I’m allowed to give a candid answer to “How are you?,” that being vulnerable isn’t an all-or-nothing proposition, and that being a little more honest can actually make me feel a lot better.

  Accepting Help

  If you need to get better at accepting help, you can follow a similar formula to the one I mentioned in Chapter 2. Accept help from strangers when it’s offered, and then build up to accepting help from people you know when it’s offered. Or, you can take this shortcut: When someone says, “Let me know if you need anything,” let them know if you need anything.

  If you’re not sold on this idea, allow me to address some of the common excuses people give for not allowing other people to show up for them.

  Reason: “They didn’t really mean it.”

  Counterpoint: They did, in fact, really mean it! But also, what’s the worst that could happen if you follow up with, “Hey there, you told me a few weeks ago to let you know if I need anything, and there actually is something I could really use right now”? There’s no harm in taking people at their word in this case. If they didn’t mean it, well . . . they’ll learn a valuable lesson about not letting their mouth write checks that their ass can’t cash (and you’ll learn a valuable lesson about that friendship).

  If you’re worried that what you need in this moment is too big or burdensome to ask of this friend, think back to the frientimacy triangle and the levels of friendship from earlier in this chapter. Is this a level 3 friend? If so, then sure, it might not be the best idea to ask them to come to your doctor’s appointment and hold your hand during the exam. But it might be perfectly OK to ask your level 6 friend who has always demonstrated kindness and thoughtfulness to give you a ride to your doctor’s appointment. Don’t get me wrong: It’s great to be considerate and think about whether you’re asking too much of other people. But so often, this results in our never allowing anyone to take care of us, and shouldering these tasks entirely on our own.

  Reason: “The thing I need is weird or unconventional and they’ll think I’m a freak if I ask for it.”

  Counterpoint: Humans are smart and capable
of nuance. I genuinely believe that most people would rather do the right thing for you than whatever society deemed “right” fifty or a hundred years ago. Even if they’ve never been asked to do something “unconventional” for a friend in need before, they will understand if you say, “This might sound strange, but I could really use someone to come keep me company while I do my dishes and laundry. My place is a mess, I’m overwhelmed, it’s giving me a ton of anxiety, and I just need someone to be here with me while I deal with it. I’ll treat you to pizza to make it worth your while.” They may even be flattered—because you’re showing that you trust them and are willing to be vulnerable with them, and letting them know that they too can ask for something unusual when they really need it.

  Reason: “I don’t actually really need help, I’m fine.”

  Counterpoint: You’re not fine.

  How to Tell Someone Their “Help” Is Extremely Not Helpful

  When you are going through a difficult time, people will likely attempt to support you. And some folks will, inevitably, get it wrong. If someone else’s behavior is making your bad situation worse, the best thing you can do—for both of your sakes—is to gently correct them and communicate that what they are offering is actually not what you need right now. If you want, you can explain why—a generous move that may ensure they don’t make the same mistake in the future, with someone else—but you don’t have to.

  What to say

  “I really appreciate how thoughtful you’ve been since I told you about my situation; it means a lot to me to have a friend who cares about me so much. But right now, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by these efforts to make me feel better. Could I ask you to stop fussing over me and instead give me a little space? I promise I’ll tell you if I need something.”