The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  My suspicion is that a lot of loneliness stems from not having a deep–shallow companion. Which really sucks! Because if you try to make someone your deep–shallow person and they don’t want to be (perhaps because they already have a deep–shallow relationship, because it’s too early in the relationship, whatever), you probably won’t get the attention or enthusiasm you’re looking for, which just feels bad. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be friends with you or that they don’t like you (truly!) . . . but it still stings. Deep–shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep–shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

  I share this not to call attention to something you feel sad about and can’t really fix, but because I know what it’s like not to have the words to explain this particular kind of intimacy or describe what it looks and feels like. Sure, you can’t conjure up a new deep–shallow companion overnight, but it’s helpful to be able to name what you’re looking for, and to understand what you’re missing if your deep–shallow person is no longer in your life.

  The Myth of the Best Friend

  From Broad City to Bill & Ted to The Baby-Sitters Club, there’s a well-established cultural narrative about what a best friend looks like. They are wise and funny, honest but always kind. They have known you since you were five years old and you talk every day. They do tequila shots with you after you get dumped and give a perfect toast at your wedding. They know all your secrets and also your mom. They are somehow always around when you are trying on clothes. They are one of the most important people in your life, and they always have your back.

  If you don’t have the Hollywood version of a BFF, it’s easy to think there’s something wrong with you—that no one likes you, that you’re not capable of making close friends or maintaining friendships, that you’re all alone in this world.

  I subscribe to the Mindy Kaling sentiment that “a best friend isn’t a person; it’s a tier.” Throughout my adult life, I’ve had (and have!) multiple best friends. Still, I’m not immune to the idea that I should have a singular best friend who also considers me their best friend. That idea is pervasive, and the pressure is real. But I’m beginning to realize that this best friend is, for a lot of people, a myth. Like, a best friend? In this economy???

  I’m only sort of kidding. The world is changing in ways that make it incredibly hard to make or maintain a traditional best friendship. When you’re moving every few years or #hustling nonstop just to stay afloat, it’s difficult talk to your best friend every day and see them every weekend. And even if you live in the same city, well, people have lives! They have partners and families and demanding careers and clinical depression and not a lot of TME for brunching, shopping, or talking on the phone.

  I think it’s important to remember that, despite the prevalence of the term “best friend,” there isn’t really a shared cultural definition for the term. If you’re basing your idea of best friendship on, say, talking intimately every day, and someone else thinks that “I’ve known her since I was five but we don’t actually talk or see each other very often” absolutely counts, then you might not realize that by their definition, you too may have a best friend. Even the idea of closeness in friendship is a moving target. For some people, a “close” friend might be any person they talk to frequently, even if the conversations aren’t that deep; others might only apply the term to a person they’re comfortable FaceTiming while on the toilet.

  If you’re feeling like a loser for not having a best friend—whatever that term means to you—know that there is nothing wrong with you, and you’re definitely not the only one.

  Meeting New Friends

  Once you’ve done the work to figure out what you’re looking for and what you have to offer, it’s time to get to work. Here are some tips for actually meeting the people who have new-friend potential.

  Figure out where your potential friends hang out.

  If you’re trying to make new friends, it helps to frequent places where other people with similar interests are likely to be. When I first moved to Houston, I had the most luck taking classes at boutique workout studios and attending their workshops and social events; the smaller atmosphere made it easier to bond with other people there, and seeing the same people in certain classes each week made me feel more confident about striking up a conversation with them.

  Are there any classes where your potential pals might be? Do any of your favorite brands do in-store events? Are you in any Facebook groups where local folks might be interested in meeting up in person? Does joining a social club or coworking space make sense for you? It might take some trial and error (and some time on Meetup.com—really!), but eventually, you’ll have that moment when you realize, “Oh! This is where my people are!”

  Try to become a regular somewhere.

  When you frequent the same places or classes, people (including you) start to become familiar faces. And even though you don’t need that familiarity to start a conversation, it can definitely grease the wheels a bit, and give you the confidence to start chatting.

  Related: Don’t feel weird mentioning that you’ve noticed someone a few times. First, they’ve likely noticed you, too. Second, noticing and remembering people is a perfectly normal thing to do!

  Don’t write off people who are at different life stages than you.

  Whether you’re just starting college or sending your third child off to grad school, it’s completely reasonable to want to make friends who are doing roughly the same things you are. And I don’t want to gloss over the importance of building a community around shared life experiences or identities—those commonalities really do matter. But we miss out on valuable relationships when we write people off for being, say, too old or too young, or for not being parents or not being students. These days, fewer of us are attending religious services, getting to know our neighbors, and engaging in civic activities, which means we have far less exposure to people at different life stages. But talking to people from different generations broadens our worldview and makes us kinder, smarter, and more empathetic.

  These friendships are also just practical. For example, if you, a thirty-six-year-old parent, need a last-minute babysitter on a Saturday night, who are you going to call? Your thirty-five-year-old BFF with a newborn and a toddler and a super firm bedtime schedule? No—you’re going to call me, because I don’t have kids and I’d absolutely love to hold your baby! Or maybe you’ll call the person who has been an empty nester for years, or your twenty-three-year-old former intern. There’s a reason that for most of human history, humans have organized themselves in networks that include elders and youths, y’all. And even having a five- to ten-year age difference between you and a close friend can make your life feel significantly better and more complete.

  Be prepared to put down your phone.

  I get why you’d prefer to connect with people primarily in cyberspace . . . but scrolling endlessly or putting most of your effort into online friendships drains time and energy and can sap your desire to connect with folks in meatspace. So as much as it pains me—an introvert who loves doing everything online—to admit it, you simply have to be willing to be on your phone a little bit less and in the real world a little bit more when you want to make new IRL friends.

  Know that you’re going to have to talk to people.

  If you’re trying to make friends in the wild, you really can’t just wait around for someone to talk to you. I mean you can—it’s your life—but it will be harder and take longer that way. I’m not a particularly outgoing person, but when I’m trying to make friends, I’ve realized I have to be, like, 15 percent more outgoing than my default setting.

  Friendships often begin with good old-fashioned small talk. In Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Truly Connect with Others, and Make a Killer First Impression, Diane Weston writes that it’s a type of communication that “has evolved to turn people you don’t know into peo
ple you do. It turns a stranger into an acquaintance, and an acquaintance into a friend.”26 Which is true! We express (and learn) a lot more than we think during small talk—and even if we don’t, it’s still a very necessary step on the path to friendship!

  Weston suggests using the acronym ARE to improve your small talk. Here’s how to put it into practice.

  A—anchor. In this context, an anchor is about where you are and what is around you. So you might comment on the class you’re waiting for, the long line at the bar, the weather, the music, or the decor.

  R—reveal. This is where you use the topic of the anchor to share something about yourself. You might say something like, “I always struggle to get to this class on time because I’m not a morning person.” Or, “I love this place; I’ve been coming here for the past year since I moved here.” Or, “I grew up in Michigan, but this weather is still too cold for me.”

  E—encourage. This is where you invite the other person to talk, respond, or reveal something in turn, for example, “What did you think of last week’s assignment?” “Do you live around here?” or “Oh, when did you move to the East Coast?”

  That’s not so hard, right? And once you’ve made that initial connection, conversation (and the beginning of a friendship) can flow from there. Maybe the conversation will continue. Perhaps it won’t—but then you’ll say hello and chat with them again the next time you see them. Maybe you’ll invite them to join your study group or they’ll ask if you’d like to join them at their table or whatever. And all you had to do was be friendly!

  Don’t be a snob.

  If you tend to have strong feelings about people’s taste in music, books, food, or TV, or care a lot about where people went to school or what town they are from, you’re going to miss out on a lot of amazing friend opportunities. Before you write people off because their tastes aren’t “impressive” by your standards, consider whether this is a deeper-rooted You Problem. One essay I read put it perfectly: “At the root of snobbery is a lack of imagination and confidence about how to decide who in the world is valuable.”27

  On Names and Pronouns

  If you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, say, “How do you pronounce your name?” If the name is hard to pronounce, learn how. Practice at home if you have to. I believe in you!

  Check with people before you start calling them by a shortened version of their name. If someone has made clear they prefer their full name or don’t like the nickname you’re trying to give them, accept that and let it go. Calling someone by a nickname they dislike or don’t want to be called is disrespectful at best, and racist at worst.

  Resist the urge to inquire about a name that seems unusual to you, especially if you’re just meeting someone. If their name is that unusual, it’s likely that the story behind it (or the lack thereof—sometimes, parents just choose names they like!) will come up in conversation at some point. And if it doesn’t come up, assume you don’t need to know. And in either case: Move on.

  If you notice a mutual friend mispronouncing a friend’s name, correct that person. (“Oh, it’s actually Ay-vuh not Eee-vuh.”) Do this repeatedly if necessary.

  Use people’s correct pronouns. If someone tells you they go by they/them, not he/him, then refer to that person as “they/them.” Do this all the time, even if the person isn’t present when you’re talking about them. (And don’t nitpick the use of the singular “they” in writing, for crying out loud.)

  If someone is getting divorced, it’s OK to ask them what last name they’ll be using going forward. (Not the moment they tell you the news, of course . . . but it’s OK to ask before you, say, mail them an invitation or card.)

  And it should go without saying, but . . . never mock someone’s name. It’s literally their name!!!

  When you’re ready to take things to the next level, let your intentions be known.

  I’ve found the easiest way to make friends is to tell people I’m trying to make friends. I also let my current friends/acquaintances know—because I’m definitely not opposed to a friend set-up when I’m looking for new pals. But if I meet someone new who I seem to click with, I’m very comfortable saying, “I’d love to hang out soon! I just moved here and haven’t met a lot of people yet!” or “We should get together some time! I’d really love to meet some new friends who are [in my industry/live around here/also parents/etc.]” There’s no shame in wanting or needing to make friends! It’s fine!!!

  So many people will breathe a sigh of relief at that kind of statement, and confess that they too want to make new friends and have been struggling with it. (It’s also just practical when there’s any possibility that an invitation to hang out could be misconstrued as asking someone on a date. And on that note: Don’t casually use the word “date” in when you’re talking about friend hangouts, and don’t tell people you’re low-key interested in that you’re just trying to make new friends! It’s confusing!!!)

  True story: I recently hosted a party and invited some potential new friends I’d met the week before at a trivia event, and, to my delight, they came! During the party, the trivia peeps were discussing some potential future hangouts and one woman said, “I mean, I’m pretty thirsty for new friends right now, so I’m down for any of these things!” Everyone immediately agreed, and the conversation shifted to how hard it is to make friends as an adult, while I secretly celebrated her statement. Inject that honesty, vulnerability, and real-world validation straight into my veins, baby!!!!!

  Suggest specific friend date ideas and days/times—so you can really commit to making it happen.

  Avoid a general, “We should get together some time!” and skip the generic “We should get coffee”—coffee hangouts have a way of getting rescheduled indefinitely and never get on the calendar at all. Instead, try to suggest something more specific.

  What to say

  “Would you like to get lunch after this?”

  “I’ve been dying to go to the new escape room that opened near the mall. Would you want to go with me sometime this month?”

  “Did you see there is going to be a Beyoncé-themed cycling class next Wednesday? I’m planning to go if you’d like to join me.”

  You can also extend an invite via text, like so:

  “Hi! Not sure how you feel about musicals but I’m dying to see the new Cats movie this weekend. Would you want to join me?”

  And if you have your heart set on coffee, this too can be made more specific! “Have you been to Sweetener? It’s not too far from here, and they have the best lavender lattes. We should go after class next week!”

  Accept their invitations.

  If a new friend invites you to their art showcase, recital, or house party, actually show up. Attending an event earns you friendship points regardless of where you are in the relationship, but I swear there’s some sort of gold star multiplier applied when you do it early on in the relationship. Everyone loves it. It’s an incredibly effective way to show interest and enthusiasm in the person, and to learn a little more about them.

  Be willing to be spontaneous.

  The ideal conditions for making new friends? Casual, unstructured, repeated interactions. Think: shooting the shit, grabbing lunch or drinks, joking around after a class or meeting, and just chatting. If you’re a big planner like I am, you may find these unplanned interactions difficult. But at least try to be open to the idea, and maybe occasionally say yes when a surprise opportunity to hang out (or extend a hangout) arises. Go along with the group of coworkers who invited you to get lunch; say yes to the person who sends you the “I’m in your neighborhood, want to meet up?” text (or send one of your own); or let brunch flow into wandering through a bookstore and boutiques.

  Don’t expect friendship to happen overnight.

  Yes, some friendships are immediate, but those are rare—most take time to really gel. One study suggests that casual friendships emerge after about 30 hours of interaction, and that good friendships can require around 140 ho
urs—but there are a lot of factors that can influence these estimates, including the number of weeks that those hours are spread out across.28 And the way you spend those hours matters a lot (see the above point about the ideal conditions for making new friends). While you can try to create the right conditions and lean into these moments when they happen, you really can’t force or engineer them. Ultimately, making a new friend involves some luck and magic—it requires time and also good timing. So don’t get terribly discouraged if you’re meeting people you like but don’t have a new BFF just yet. You’ll get there.

  Don’t overlook the power of acquaintances.

  It’s understandable to want to make new “close” friends, but casual friendships are still really valuable. According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, having “weak ties” (think: a friendly crossing guard you chat with regularly, someone you see at the park or gym several days each week) can boost your overall well-being, and make you feel less lonely and more connected to your community.29

  Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and friendship expert, says it’s in our best interest to cultivate these friendships at the places we frequent—so, work, your kids’ school, your place of worship, etc. “We can have friends or acquaintances in different contexts who add meaning to our lives in their own way,” Kirmayer told The New York Times. “We have an acquaintance at work that we connect and talk about work projects, or dog-walking friends. It helps to have these different kinds of people in our lives to add different kinds of support.”30

  Know when to quit.

  While I believe that making new friends is a worthwhile effort, it’s still a lot of effort, and, like anything else, your heart has to be in it. There have definitely been times in my life when I’ve felt outside pressure to make new friends, and it got under my skin in the same way it would if someone was constantly telling single me that I should find a partner. It’s OK to take a break or to deprioritize making friends for a little while. Making new friends—especially as an adult—is work.