The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Connecting with Your New Friends

  So, you’ve met someone you want to be friends with, and you think they want to be friends with you, too. Great! You did it! This is so exciting! Here are some ways to tend to this new connection and help it grow into a long-lasting friendship where both of you prioritize showing up for each other.

  Be generous with attention.

  Look, we’re all simple creatures: We just want people to care about us and think we’re interesting/special. And the entry-level way to communicate “You’re interesting and special!” is simply to pay attention. As Small Talk author Diane Weston explains it, “Whether you are talking to your partner or someone you’re standing next to in line, the thing that most people want is to be listened to. Not just tolerated.”

  So, how to communicate that you’re doing more than just tolerating someone? Start with the basics: Make eye contact with them and don’t look at anything else, including your phone; listen to what they are saying (instead of thinking about what you are going to say in response); and respond in a way that shows you heard what they said.31 I know these seem fairly obvious, but it’s surprising(ish) how many people don’t bother to do them.

  While not doing these basics will definitely communicate a lack of interest, the reverse isn’t necessarily true—that is, doing these things won’t guarantee that you’ll seem interested or that people will enjoy talking to you, especially if you’re only doing this because you know you’re “supposed to.” You can make unbreaking eye contact or ask all the follow-up questions in the world, but, in general, humans are able to intuit when someone is insincere or doesn’t really care about getting to know them.

  The best way to show interest is to actually be interested. When you genuinely believe that other people are unique, special, and worthy of your time and attention, they’ll feel it.

  Learn to recognize the difference between a conversation and an interrogation.

  Asking people about themselves is a fantastic way to show interest, but I get super-overwhelmed if a new friend hits me with one question after another, and I don’t think I’m the only one! Firing off a bunch of questions can also come across as impersonal. It’s important to process the other person’s answer, and respond to it (even briefly!) before hitting them with another question. Here are two versions of a new-friend interaction to illustrate the difference between a conversation and an interrogation.

  Version 1

  Tyler: So, what do you like to do for fun? Do you have any hobbies?

  Cam: Well, I recently joined my company’s softball team, which has been fun!

  Tyler: Oh, cool! Had you ever played softball before?

  Cam: I played in high school, actually.

  Tyler: Nice! What position did you play?

  Cam: Second base.

  Tyler: Fun! Did you play any other sports in high school?

  Cam: Yes, I played basketball until my junior year.

  Tyler: Nice, what position were you?

  Cam: I was often the point guard.

  Tyler: Oh, cool. So, how often does the work league practice and play actual games? Is it a big commitment?

  Cam: It’s not too bad! We practice for an hour on Monday evenings and then we play on Wednesday evenings.

  Tyler: Where are the games?

  Cam: We’re at Rust Park!

  Tyler: Fun! Do you live around there?

  Cam: I don’t! I live in Burgerville, so I have a thirty-minute drive home from practice.

  Tyler: Oh, how long have you lived in Burgerville?

  Version 2

  Tyler: So, what do you like to do for fun? Do you have any hobbies?

  Cam: Well, I recently joined my company’s softball team, which has been fun!

  Tyler: Oh, had you ever played softball before?

  Cam: I played in high school, actually.

  Tyler: Nice! How often does the work league practice and play?

  Cam: Just one game a week, and one practice a week.

  Tyler: Oh cool, that doesn’t sound like a huge commitment! My office’s team is super hardcore; they have two-hour practices three times a week, and then have games once a week.

  Cam: Oh, yeah, I couldn’t deal with that. We play at Rust Park, which is near my office, so I can easily go after work, but I live out in Burgerville, so it’s kind of a trek—getting home takes me like thirty or forty minutes. Doing that more than twice a week would be way too much for me.

  Tyler: Oh yeah, that’s a lot.

  Cam: Remind me—what neighborhood do you live in?

  See the difference? In both interactions, Tyler is communicating interest by asking Cam questions, but in the second example, Cam actually has time to breathe, and is given an opportunity to help steer the conversation. While most folks do love talking about themselves, being asked a ton of questions can make them feel like they are being quizzed or interviewed, and can seem unnatural when compared to a true give-and-take conversation between individuals who are genuinely interested in getting to know each other.

  Instead of asking tons of questions, try asking for recommendations.

  People love sharing their opinions on everything from where to go on vacation to whether you should break up with your partner. So if you have a low-stakes dilemma or need suggestions, ask your new friends! This can be an especially useful if you’ve realized that you tend to interrogate people without meaning to, or if your new friends are on the introverted side.

  On Touching

  It’s a good idea to figure out your friends’ comfort levels with regard to physical touch early on. You shouldn’t assume that everyone appreciates hugs, pats, squeezes, and rubs—but don’t assume everyone hates them, either. Instead, start by paying attention to physical cues. Are their arms crossed/do they have their hands in their pockets? Or are they going for a handshake the second they approach you? Do they tense up when you accidentally brush up against them? Are they touchy with anyone?

  If you’re a hugger and aren’t sure if they are, too, start with the basic request: “Can I give you a hug?” (I swear, this feels way more awkward in your head than it does IRL!) Or: “I’m a hugger; are you?” It’s not weird; it’s considerate.

  Practice naming your needs early.

  If you have a habit of not being vulnerable or saying what you need, a new friendship can be an ideal opportunity to change that—because there’s no baggage or ten-year history that will make your setting a boundary come across as unusual or out of character. New friends will just assume you’re a confident person who is comfortable sharing your needs. (And if they react badly to this, that’s a sign that you may not want to be close friends with them.)

  During your conversations, take note of the ways in which you’re alike and different.

  As you’re getting to know people, it can be helpful to mentally note anything they say that communicates a way in which they differ from you—in their personality, tastes, beliefs, values, preferences, or priorities. Most of us take the “treat others as you’d like to be treated” rule to heart, which is a good thing . . . until you’re dealing with someone who is the complete opposite of you in a particular regard. In those instances, noticing the ways in which you’re different (or appear to be different, based on the information available to you) can help you communicate interest in a more meaningful way; plan hangouts they actually enjoy; say or do things that make them feel more comfortable; and not take it personally if they don’t respond to an idea, suggestion, topic, or situation with the same enthusiasm (or outrage!) that you would.

  For example, let’s say they casually mention—at different points across conversations—that they are introverted, nonreligious, and don’t talk to their parents or siblings all that much. Meanwhile, you are a huge extrovert who calls their sister every day and never misses church followed by Sunday dinner at your mom’s house. This divergence doesn’t mean you can’t be friends! It just means that when your niece’s baptism rolls around and your family is pla
nning a party for two hundred to celebrate it, you can couch the invite to your friend in the context of, “I totally understand this might not be your thing so feel free to say no, but I still wanted to invite you because we’d love to have you there!”

  Remember: Your New Friends Are People

  If you’re worried about coming on too strong to new friends, it can be helpful to ask yourself if you’re interested in your potential new friends as people, or as potential new friends. It’s a small distinction, but it really matters. A potential new friend is someone who appears to be sort of . . . your-friend-shaped. They might enjoy many of the TV shows or musicians that are popular with people your age, or, say, appreciate the same types of memes that you do. Great! That’s a good starting place! But when you’re interested in someone as a person, you’ll go beyond those shared interests and identify the qualities or characteristics that are uniquely them that you genuinely like and appreciate.

  So, if you’re interested in someone as a potential new friend, you might notice that you both like The Real Housewives. But then let’s say you also notice that this person is an extroverted trivia buff who remembers everyone’s birthday and is obsessed with Shrek memes. And even though none of your current friends are obsessed with Shrek memes, and “likes Shrek memes” isn’t a quality you tend to seek out in new friends, you actually really like this about them—especially when coupled with their other personality traits and the interests you have in common. That is starting to like someone as a person.

  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking everyone as a potential new friend at first—that’s how making friends begins! But it causes problems when you find yourself collecting potential new friends, and treating them as interchangeable. At that point, it’s less about genuinely connecting with people and more about fitting them into the role of Friend that you’re trying to cast—which is something folks tend to pick up on and don’t respond well to. If you regularly find yourself getting super invested in people you only know on that potential new-friend level, or sending the exact same messages, invitations, life updates, and “This made me think of you!” links to all of your potential new friends, you might be falling into this trap and need to readjust.

  Your new friends are people—but your new friends are also just people. When you’re stressed about striking up a conversation, asking them to hang out, or going to their house party, remember this. They are human beings who are probably just as nervous and uncertain as you are. I’m realizing that so much of being a person in the world is believing that you’re the aberration—that everyone except you has it all figured out; that they all have access to something you don’t; that you’re broken and in need of fixing. But you’re not insufficient; you’re good. We’re all good.

  Chapter 7

  The Care and Keeping of Friends

  I’m a big believer in the idea that we should give our non-romantic relationships the sort of attention, care, and mental energy that we give our romantic ones. I would like to see more women’s magazines devote as much space to the topic of friendship as they do to romantic relationships. “101 Ways to Please Your Friends This Weekend!” “Exactly What to Say to Blow Your Friend’s Mind Tonight!” But at minimum, we should be thinking about our close friends at least as much we think about our crushes, our favorite sports teams, or reality TV celebrities.

  While I think that we as a culture are starting to recognize that friendships do deserve real time and attention, I don’t know that we’ve totally figured out what that means, practically speaking. So in this chapter, we’ll talk about how to do just that—how to have better conversations and hangouts, ways to make your friends feel seen and understood, tips for keeping in touch with people, and how to be more vulnerable within your friendships. I might not be able to give you 101 ways to please your friends this weekend, but I think we can get pretty close.

  Showing Up for Friends Every Damn Day

  Good interactions with friends are one of life’s greatest joys. And while it’s easy to be bad at conversations with friends, it’s not that hard to be good at them, either. Regularly showing up for friends is about being mindful of what you say (and don’t say), what you share, and when you share it.

  Expressing Genuine Interest

  Come to conversations prepared with things to talk about.

  You don’t need to make a twenty-minute PowerPoint presentation before a coffee hangout, but in the hour before your visit, you may want to think of some answers to the inevitable “What’s new with you?” question. If you’re drawing a blank, think about what you’ve enjoyed recently (books, podcasts, movies, new recipes); any noteworthy purchases you’ve made since you saw them last; any new trips/vacations you’re planning; and anything on your calendar for the next month or so that you’re excited about.

  Ask and remember the names of the coworkers and colleagues they talk about the most.

  This tip—my friend Gyan’s suggestion—isn’t something I’d necessarily do during a first hangout, but it’s worthwhile if you’re a bit further along in the friendship process. Not only is it logistically easier, it communicates, “I am invested in you and your stories.” (Bonus: Ask to see photos of the main people in their life. It’s more fun and will help you remember the people better.) I always think it’s cute when a newer friend asks me about one of my other friends by name or says, “You don’t have to keep saying, ‘My coworker, Casey.’ I know who Casey is.” It’s a sign they’ve been paying attention.

  When you’re catching up, ask them how their parents/siblings are doing.

  I like this question because a) I tend to care about my friends’ families, and b) it’s a really effective way to get to know a friend better. If, for example, they are having a lot of conflict with their sibling, or their relationship with their parent is strained, that’s a big deal! And even if things are good, you’ll still learn a bit more about your friend through their answer.

  Make a point to research or engage with their interests in your free time.

  If they keep talking about a comic book or podcast they are into, or they recommend a recipe or product, check it out after your conversation. You might discover that it’s not really your thing, which is fine—you don’t have to join their fandom to further the friendship. Even saying something like, “I looked up that wild Wikipedia entry you mentioned the other day and—WOW!” communicates “I am listening to you and I am interested in you.”

  Take an interest in the things your friend cares about, even if the topics aren’t exactly your cup of tea.

  Sure, Steven Universe fanfic might not be your thing, but if your friend brings it up, you can still say, “Confession: I’ve actually never watched Steven Universe! What’s it about?” Or “Oh, I don’t know much about writing fanfic! How did you get into it?” Or “I don’t know anything about Steven Universe, but holy shit—this fanfic forum drama you’re describing sounds wild! Please tell me everything.” You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t share any interests with or who relentlessly blather on about topics you couldn’t care less about, but learning about new topics from people you like is fun.

  Commit to being with the person or people you’re with.

  A couple of years ago, I took a trip with a friend I rarely spent time with in person. We’d been looking forward to the trip for a while, so I was dismayed that she checked her phone constantly during the trip. I’d be in the middle of telling her a story over breakfast, and I’d realize she’d gone quiet because she was scrolling through one of her feeds. (Yes, while we were eating in a restaurant!) Or she’d say she needed to check her email for work, but a minute later was in her Instagram DMs, where she would then stay for . . . a while. I was hurt and also just annoyed. We’d planned this trip specifically because she said that she missed me and wanted to see me. The phone—which had always been central to the way we stayed in touch—had become a genuine barrier to connection.

  Look: I’m not the phone police; I
don’t care if people check their phones sometimes when we’re together. It’s not the end of the world if friends occasionally lounge around and scroll through their phones together. But it is frustrating when that crosses from “Sorry, I just need to respond to this text from my mom” to “I’m totally zoned out scrolling through Twitter and don’t even realize that I’m now ignoring you” territory. And it’s especially annoying if you don’t get to see the person very often, or if booking time together is kind of an event.

  What constitutes “good” phone etiquette in a given group really depends on the people, but these days, I err on the side of caution because I’ve found myself feeling pretty bummed and disappointed by friends who are clearly more interested in their phones than in me. And it’s so easy to tell yourself that your friends don’t care if you check your phone frequently—even if they very much do care.

  What to Say to a Friend Who Won’t Put Down Their Phone

  Be direct! Keep your tone neutral and gentle and say something like, “Hey, I’m here to hang out with you. Can you put your phone away for a bit and just be here?”

  Try to get ahead of it. When making plans, you could say something like, “Can we agree to turn our phones off and put them away for this hangout? I’ve been doing that with friends lately and I’m really loving it.”

  Stop talking (even if you’re in mid-sentence!) and wait until they are done. If they tell you to continue talking because they believe multitasking is a real thing, don’t—just wait in silence until they are done.

  If it’s been going on for a while, direct your gaze to their phone and say, “Is everything OK?”—meaning, if it’s not urgent, they should cut it out.

  Try to talk a little less about other people and a little more about your friend.

  In We Need to Talk, Celeste Headlee writes, “Research shows we spend about 60 percent of our time in conversations talking about ourselves.” OK, not great, we should all definitely work on that! But then she goes on: “Most of the remaining time is spent talking about a third person, not the person we’re talking to. One study found that ‘most social conversation time is devoted to statements about the speaker’s own emotional experiences and/or relationships, or those of third parties not present.’”