The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  When a Friend Seems . . . Off

  Sometimes, the red flags we covered in Chapter 8 will start to pile up and might be a sign of a bigger problem. Whether you should say anything really depends on your relationship. At a basic level, it requires you to genuinely care about the person and their well-being (see also: radical candor).

  When approaching these conversations, curiosity is key. For me, that means 1) asking gentle questions, and 2) not diagnosing anything. Like, I don’t know their life!!! And even if I’m correct in my suspicion that something is amiss, I know how terrible it feels to be on the other end of that conversation. None of us wants to believe that other people know more about us than we know about ourselves, especially if/when it relates to a taboo or something we’re trying to hide. If you’re not sure how to have that conversation, here are some ideas.

  What to say

  “Are you doing OK [buddy/pal/friend]? I’ve noticed you’re [sleeping a ton/drinking a lot/acting really paranoid/joking about hating your life] and you’ve mentioned [trouble sleeping/how exhausted you are/how hopeless you feel] quite a few times recently. I just wanted to check in.”

  If you have a relevant personal experience to share, you can mention that, too.

  “I know that when I was [doing/experiencing similar things], I actually [was really depressed/needed to find a new job/was in an unhealthy relationship] so I just wanted to gently flag and ask you how you’re doing.”

  From there, just see what they say! Plan to listen with an open heart and mind, and be prepared to drop the issue if they get defensive or aren’t willing to engage. Here are some potential responses you might want to have at the ready.

  If they agree that there does seem to be a pattern that indicates something is wrong:

  “Have you ever experienced anything like this in the past, or is this new?”

  “Do you feel like you have a support system in place for dealing with this stuff?”

  “It might be a good idea to talk to your [doctor/therapist] about it.” (I don’t feel comfortable diagnosing another person or insisting I know what the issue is, so I like this option a lot.)

  If they don’t think the behavior you’re describing happens that often:

  “It might be a good idea to start tracking [behavior] in [an app/your calendar/your journal]. Then you can see how often it’s actually happening, and if you do eventually want to talk to a [doctor/therapist] about it, it’ll be helpful to have that info.”

  If they get super defensive or insist there isn’t a problem:

  “OK! You know yourself better than I do, so I’m not going to push it. But maybe keep an eye on it in the next few weeks to see if it [gets worse/keeps happening] and be sure you’re making enough time for [yourself/sleep/hobbies/self-care/things that feel good].”

  In my experience, there isn’t much to be gained by pushing it when a person is defensive; backing off immediately can go a long way toward diffusing the situation. And in many instances, letting it go warmly and sincerely will give them the space necessary to think about what you’re saying, and perhaps to really consider it.

  When They Can’t Stop Venting

  When a friend is going through a hard time, several things can be true at once: You can deeply love your friend, you can deeply care about your friend, and you can also be extremely tired of listening to your friend talk about their problems. It feels sacrilegious to even say this, but it’s still true. We all have limits on how much venting and negativity we can tolerate, and even the person you love most in the world can test that limit from time to time.

  If a friend’s venting is draining your time and energy, or if you’re ignoring your own emotions and needs in the process of supporting them, that’s a problem. It can be difficult to tell when you’re “allowed” to be fed up with a friend’s venting, or to know what to say if you need a break, so I spoke to therapist Ryan Howes to get his advice about how to handle these delicate moments. Here are some tips and scripts he shared.

  Recognize the difference between people feeling their feelings and merely ruminating.

  I often struggle with responding to friends who are over-venting because I don’t want to cut them off or discourage them from sharing their feelings, but I also know that sometimes, I—like everyone!—feel exhausted by it. Howes says that if you’re not sure whether it’s officially Too Much, look out for repetition. If the person is just rehashing the same events over and over again, and you’re starting to feel helpless or bored, the friend is likely ruminating. And yes, you’re allowed to ask them to stop venting. “You don’t need any excuse beyond ‘I don’t have energy for this right now,’” says Howes. Not sure how to communciate this? Howes gave me some specific language that might be helpful.

  What to say

  “Hey, I gotta tell you, I feel a little helpless here. You’ve gone through this story a couple of times and I’ve already told you what I think. You’re still going over it, and it’s feeling kind of frustrating for me.”

  “I don’t know that there’s much more I can tell you. I’m getting kind of activated here, and I’m afraid if I listen any longer, I’ll get frustrated, and I don’t want to get mad at you.”

  “We need to either talk about this in a different way or switch topics, because I’m finding my thoughts are drifting.”

  Remember the forty-five-minute rule.

  We covered this in Chapter 5, but I think it’s worth mentioning again here: During an intense conversation, forty-five to fifty minutes is likely the listener’s limit. If you’ve passed that point, you could suggest taking a break from the discussion by saying something like, “Friend, I could use a moment to stretch and make tea and process some of what you’ve been saying for the past hour. Can we take thirty and then continue?” Or, if you just need to be done—which Howes says is totally reasonable—“Can we table this conversation for tonight?”

  Modeling good boundaries for people is helping them.

  “So many times, people’s complaints have to do with the fact that they are feeling taken advantage of,” Howes says. “If you can help them by showing them how to set a good boundary, that’s even more important than the words that you say.” When you communicate genuine caring and love while modeling good boundaries, you give them permission to do the same—and that is a true gift.

  When It Comes to Showing Up in a Crisis, Do What Comes Naturally

  In There Is No Good Card for This, the authors write, “If you care, doing something is important. But doing something you like to do, and not something you would normally resist doing, is invaluable. That’s because doing something we naturally like to do means we’re more likely do it.” They offer a full “empathy menu” of ideas for the roles you can play in a crisis moment. A sampling: the Chef (drops off food); the Entertainer (invites the person to drinks, or joins them for a reality TV marathon); the Listener (asks good questions and is attentive to the answers); the PR guru (is the point of contact for sharing all updates); and the Project Manager (coordinates other people’s help). Take a look back at all the values, personality traits, tastes, and priorities you identified in Chapter 1, and think about what role (or roles) you’re best suited for when things get bad.

  Showing Up for Friends Who Are Dealing with Big Life Events

  Not all loss is felt the same way, and situations that are similarly devastating often call for entirely different responses. That’s why it’s worthwhile to familiarize yourself with the ways in which certain losses are unique, and be prepared to respond accordingly. All of the tips from the first half of this chapter still apply in these situations (and you can and should do those, too!). But if you want to go above and beyond when it comes to showing up, here are some not-always-obvious tips to keep in mind about some of the most common difficult situations that can happen to the people you care about.

  Breakup

  Do:

  Honor the relationship and the loss. Just because a relationship didn’t end in marria
ge doesn’t mean it wasn’t legitimate.

  Offer to be their +1 at upcoming events or to just tag along for outings or errands their ex would have been present for; having company can really help when you’re suddenly alone.

  Ask if they need you to retrieve their belongings from their ex’s apartment, take their phone and unfriend/block the ex on social media, or sell all of their ex’s shit on Craigslist (or if they just want you to hang out with them while they do these things).

  Don’t:

  Try to convince them to “make it work” because the other person is “so nice.”

  Shit-talk their ex; it can be really dismissive and make them feel worse about being upset. (Also, you never know when people are going to suddenly get back together.)

  Offer unsolicited updates about their ex. If they want to talk about the person’s new job or hear about their new partner, they’ll say so.

  Try to set them up with all of your single friends.

  Divorce

  Do:

  Include the person in social events. A lot of people worry about losing their friends and community after a divorce, so keep the invitations coming.

  Know that they might not be interested in dating for a while. Everyone moves at their own pace, and giving them time to heal is a way to honor and validate their loss.

  Be gentle with your language. Words like “divorce” and “ex-husband/wife” can be painful at first; if they seem to be avoiding these terms, follow their lead.

  Text them on or a few days before what would have been their next wedding anniversary to let them know you are thinking of them.

  Don’t:

  Trash their ex. If someone is heartbroken and misses their partner, hearing “You’re better off without that deadbeat” isn’t helpful and can make them feel really judged.

  Gossip about what happened. If other people ask you or attempt to get you to talk about it, shut it down.

  Tell them how shocked you are, because “You two seemed so happy!”

  Assume they’ll be sad or that they won’t be able to handle seeing happy couples, talking about weddings, etc. If they aren’t treating it like some big tragedy, you shouldn’t either.

  Chronic illness or chronic pain

  Do:

  Believe them. People with illnesses and pain often spend years trying to get doctors to take them seriously or to diagnose them properly.

  Educate yourself on their condition so they don’t have to teach you. And don’t just read the scientific info—read articles or posts created by people living with it. Sometimes, a good Tumblr meme can tell you a lot more than the Mayo Clinic website.

  Familiarize yourself with Spoon Theory, a helpful framework for understanding what it’s like to live with a chronic medical condition.

  Ask them what kinds of accommodations are helpful/necessary and remember what they say.

  Don’t:

  Suggest ~alternative~ healing or treatment options or ask them if they’ve considered yoga.

  Say “But you don’t look sick.”

  Try to force them to be positive or optimistic.

  Lionize them. Not everyone wants to be an “inspiration” or a “warrior.” Just let them be a person.

  Cancer, serious illness, injury, and/or hospitalization

  Do:

  Look up the rules for visitors, gifts, and outside food before you show up at the hospital. And respect those guidelines once you’re there.

  Ask if they need entertainment. So often, being ill is just boring. Consider showing up for a visit armed with the latest news on the royals, a book you can read out loud to them, work gossip, or stories about Facebook group drama.

  Focus on making them comfortable. Think about bringing them cozy socks, a decent pillow, a water bottle that’s easy to sip from, or pajama pants to wear under a hospital gown.

  Check in before showing up with food. A lot of medications can cause a loss of appetite or nausea, so it’s good to ask what they can handle right now. (If you must bring food, maybe offer it to their family/caregivers instead.)

  Establish another point of contact so you aren’t always bugging your friend. If you’re not the main caregiver, get the info for the person who is (a parent, a sibling, a partner, etc.) and reach out to them.

  Offer to paint their nails, style their hair, or research colorful, comfy caftans. Remember Gabrielle Union’s story about her friend Sookie and the hair removal cream, and let them indulge their “frivolous” side.

  Don’t:

  Blather on about how doctors and modern medicine aren’t to be trusted. “Big Pharma” might actually be what’s keeping them alive right now.

  Question their treatment plans. This isn’t the time for “Have you considered . . . ?”

  Show up unannounced. Allowing people to see you when you’re ill is incredibly intimate; even if they’ve said they’d love to see you, they may want a chance to put on pants or a bra first.

  Talk to their health care team without their permission or act rude, aggressive, or demanding to the hospital staff. Unless your friend is specifically asking you to advocate for them, plan to just chill.

  Set up a GoFundMe campaign for them or their family without running the idea by them first.

  Assume they are comfortable with your being present for certain types of treatment or conversations with their doctor. People often feel very vulnerable in those moments, and they may want some privacy. Instead of waiting for them to ask you to leave, get in the habit of offering to excuse yourself (e.g., “Oh, let me give you some privacy” or “I’ll just wait in the hallway until the nurse is finished”)—and actually make a move to leave, so they know you really mean it.

  Share horror stories, articles, or studies about their illness or medical condition. The last thing they need is an anxiety attack.

  Major illness in the family (a parent, spouse, a baby, etc.)

  Do:

  Offer to keep them company while they sit at the hospital or to take their place on bedside duty from time to time so they can sleep, shower, get a haircut, catch up on emails, or just be alone for a little while. Or ask if you can be more useful elsewhere—taking care of their pet, picking their kids up from school, etc.

  Bring them anything they might need—a change of clothes, a six-foot phone charger, a travel pillow, snacks, dry shampoo—that would make them more comfortable or that would make life a little easier as they sit with their ill family member.

  Ask them if there is anything they need you to research, or any phone calls they need you to make.

  Take care of them so they can focus on taking care of their loved one.

  Don’t:

  Show up at the hospital without getting your friend’s permission first.

  Be rude, aggressive, or demanding to the hospital staff.

  Set up a GoFundMe campaign for the family without clearing it with your friend first.

  Pester them for updates on the ill person’s condition. (But if you’re close to the person, you might want to offer to be the point of contact for other friends, and/or to put together something like a daily/weekly email with updates.)

  Ask if they know when the person will be coming home. If they have that info, they’ll tell you.

  Abandon them once their loved one has been discharged from the hospital. Caregiving at home can be even more exhausting because there are no longer trained professionals around, so keep on showing up for them.

  Depression, anxiety, and/or other mental illnesses

  Do:

  Listen. They may need to vent or cry and just be heard.

  Remind them that you love them and care about them, and that you aren’t judging them.

  Familiarize yourself with the different ways their particular issue can manifest. (For example, depression isn’t just feeling sad; it can also look like an inability to concentrate, impulsiveness, irritability, and guilt.) Maybe even ask what it typically looks like for them.

  If they are feeling overwhe
lmed, offer to do (or simply be present for) an errand or task they are struggling with. For example, if they mention that laundry is a huge source of stress lately, offer to do a few loads for them, or make a plan to go to the laundromat together.

  Celebrate the small wins. It really helps to have someone cheering you on, someone who is proud of you for overcoming what felt like an insurmountable hurdle.

  Encourage them to seek treatment from a professional and to follow their treatment plan.

  Be patient. It can take people a while to figure out what meds (if any) work for them or to find a good therapist—and that process can be exhausting.

  Don’t:

  Take their mental illness personally. It’s really, really not about you.

  Shame them or guilt them. Everything from personal hygiene and chores to socializing can take a backseat when someone is going through it, but rest assured that they are extremely aware of everything that is slipping right now.

  Tell them to think positive, remind them of all the reasons they shouldn’t feel depressed or anxious, or expect them to “just snap out of it.” If it were that simple not to feel this way, they . . . wouldn’t.

  Forget to honor your own boundaries and show up for yourself. You don’t have to provide 24/7 support, let them vent endlessly, discuss topics you find personally triggering, allow them to treat you badly, or act as a stand-in for a therapist. (In fact, please do not act as a stand-in for a therapist.)

  Family drama or estrangement

  Do:

  Trust that they have made the right choice in separating from their family. Cutting off family is typically not easy, and if your friend has made that decision, there’s probably a very good reason (or years of good reasons) that you aren’t privy to.