The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Offer to run interference at events if they are anxious about a family member acting up. Maybe you can distract Gramps with pleasant small talk at the barbecue, or ask Mom for help with something “urgent” so your friend can get a few minutes of peace on their wedding day.

  Reach out to them in advance of holidays (even small ones!), their birthday, and other big occasions (like a grad school graduation) to see how they are feeling and/or whether they’d like to make plans or join your celebration.

  Take them at their word if they decline your invitation or tell you they’re good, or say that this holiday really isn’t a big deal to them. Not everyone thinks being alone on Christmas or their birthday is the worst fate in the world—truly! Let them know the offer stands if they change their mind at the last minute, and then drop it.

  Let them know you are thinking of them on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day if they have a bad relationship with their parent. When everyone is posting photos of themselves with their mom at their wedding, or describing their dad as their hero, it can be very painful and isolating.

  Get comfortable with the fact that families sometimes let each other down in serious ways that can’t be repaired or forgiven (or that will simply require a lot of time and distance before healing is possible). We live in the real world, where abuse, rejection, cruelty, manipulation, addiction, and violence exist and can happen to the people we love and care about.

  Don’t:

  Pry. If they say they have a bad relationship with their parents, avoid asking nosy questions about what happened. If they give you a few vague details, assume that’s all you need to know for now.

  Pressure your friend to “forgive and forget” or “just move on.” Again, not all violations are fixable or forgivable, and even if that might change someday, today is not that day.

  Guilt-trip your friend or insist that they’ll always regret, say, not having their abusive sibling at their wedding, or missing their horrible grandparent’s funeral. There’s a very good chance they won’t actually regret this. But also: Maybe they will! It happens! Regardless, it’s their call, and if one day they do regret it, trust that they can own that decision.

  Push them to reconcile ASAP, because the family member might die someday. No need to take it to that level, y’all! Also: Sometimes our lives don’t have tidy, happy endings, and it just . . . is! Let it go.

  Get way more emotional about the situation than your friend is. If you can’t let it go or you’re feeling very strongly about, say, the fact that your friend’s father won’t be at their wedding, it might be more of a You Problem than a Them Problem.

  Coming out as LGBTQ+

  Do:

  Say something like “Thank you for trusting me” or “This doesn’t change how I see you.”

  Respect their right to come out on their own terms. If they don’t want anyone else to know right now or they want to be the one to tell people, that’s OK. And if you weren’t the first to know, don’t give them a hard time about it.

  Allow them to self-identify, and use their labels and/or pronouns. If they say they are queer, say queer; if they say they are bi, say bi; if they say they have a partner instead of a girlfriend, say partner instead of girlfriend. (If you’re not sure what labels they use or don’t use, just ask!) If they will be using a different pronoun or going by a different name, start using that pronoun or name.

  Apologize for any past behavior or comments that you now regret. If you made some “jokes” that you’re now feeling embarrassed by, offer a genuine apology. (More on how to do that in Chapter 10.) And if you don’t have the guts or the wherewithal to do it in the moment, you can definitely follow up with it later.

  Make Google your friend. If you, like most of us, didn’t get a queer sex education in school, this is a great time to learn some new vocabulary words.

  Don’t:

  Say “I always knew” (cool???) or “It doesn’t matter to me” (which is well intended, but actually trivializes what they’ve just told you).

  Take it personally if they want to spend more time with their queer friends or if you aren’t invited to queer events or spaces.

  Be super nosy. If they want you to know the details of their sex life or their bits, they’ll tell you.

  Try to set them up with your one other queer friend (whom they actually have nothing in common with).

  Think you now have license to use slurs that they have reclaimed, make jokes about their sexuality (or about other LGBTQ+ people), or tease them for exhibiting stereotypical “gay” behavior.

  Expect a cookie for not rejecting them.

  Job loss

  Do:

  Remember that “loss” is the key word here. Being fired or laid off can also mean losing friends, your daily doses of human contact, your routine/schedule, access to technology or other resources (like a printer or a computer), your trusted health care providers, and the ability to plan for the future in a practical way.

  Affirm their talents, skills, and worth. Losing your job can be a real blow to the ego, especially if their work/success and their identity are intertwined.

  Be conscious of the fact that they might be really worried about money.

  Respect their time. Just because someone is unemployed doesn’t mean they are down for long afternoon phone calls or weekday playdates.

  Ask how much career/job talk they are comfortable hearing right now. They may not be the best audience when you need to complain about your petty cubemate or talk about your new title/promotion in great detail.

  Be patient and realistic. Getting a new job typically takes way more time than most of us think it does.

  Continue to check in after a couple of months have passed, or after their other laid-off colleagues have gone back to work. Being unemployed can be an incredibly lonely time, and it doesn’t feel good to be the only person you know without a job. If you can occasionally carve out a little time to see or talk to them during the day when they are alone and bored, it could mean a lot to them.

  Don’t:

  Game out every possible worst-case scenario, or push them to answer a bunch of hypothetical questions about how they’ll handle not finding a job on a certain timeline.

  Bombard them with job listings that you think they might be interested in or should apply for (unless they tell you that this is OK).

  Give them unsolicited advice on what they should be doing differently with regard to their job search, cover letters, résumé, or during interviews (especially if you’re in a different industry than they are).

  Make them feel guilty for watching reality TV, going to a museum during the day, or taking a nap. Unemployed people typically feel like they have to work (i.e., search and apply for jobs) all the time, and can feel guilty about taking necessary breaks or doing errands like laundry or grocery shopping.

  Expect (or ask for) frequent updates on the jobs they’ve applied for, or on the job search in general. They might not be sharing much because they don’t want to get their hopes up, or because they don’t want to have to tell everyone they didn’t get the job they really wanted.

  Eating disorders

  Do:

  Know that recovery isn’t as simple as “just eating.” People with eating disorders view food, eating, and their own body very differently than people who don’t have eating disorders do.

  Let your friend eat or not eat in a given moment as they see fit. If you are really concerned about their not eating and if you have a relationship where it’s appropriate for you to mention this (a major IF!!!), at least wait for a good time to bring it up—that is, not at dinner.

  Invite them to hang out. Isolation can trigger feelings of worthlessness or the sense that no one likes them.

  Plan activities that aren’t related to food. (If they are further along in their treatment or trying to get back to “normal,” you can ask them if they’d like to join you for a meal.)

  Check your own biases. If you’re constantly talking shit about yo
ur appearance, or you judge others for their size or for not eating “healthily” (as you define it), you may be part of the problem. You can also ask if there’s anything you’ve done or said that they find triggering.

  Don’t:

  Talk about their body, even in a “nice” way. Saying “You look great” or “You’re not fat” isn’t helpful and, in fact, can enable disordered thinking.

  Take their eating disorder personally. It’s really, really not about you.

  Blame or shame them via “you” statements. Watch out for questions that begin: “Why can’t you?,” “Why aren’t you?,” and “Why don’t you?”

  Pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn

  Do:

  Let their schedule dictate your plans to hang out. Babies go to bed very early, and your friend can’t just blow off naptime.

  Offer to come to them when making plans. They’ll appreciate not having to travel far with a little one or pay a babysitter for extra time spent in transit.

  Know that using a breast pump is a whole other thing they might be dealing with. If they say they need to pump at a certain time, they do.

  Reassure them that they don’t have to tidy up, do their hair, or be in “host” mode when you come to their place for a visit.

  Plan to wash/sanitize your hands when you enter their home, and definitely before you hold their baby.

  Respect any and all boundaries they set for posting pictures/videos of their child on social media.

  Consider choosing a little gift for them instead of a gift for their baby. It’s a nice way to tell them you still think of them as a person, not just a parent. Also, their kid is likely getting a lot of attention right now; it’s not a bad idea to communicate, “You still matter too.”

  Remind them that they are doing a great job and are a good parent.

  Don’t:

  Ask if this was planned, a surprise, if they were “trying,” etc. When in doubt, go with, “Oh! How are you feeling?”

  Ask personal questions about their child’s other biological parent, if, say, the pregnant person is unmarried or queer. It’s truly none of your business.

  Say “You’d better sleep now!” when they are expecting. It’s silly (that’s not how sleep works) and weirdly negative.

  Visit them when you’re sick. Babies have fragile immune systems!

  Overstay your welcome. Your friend is probably tired, and their child likely has a firm schedule they need to stick to. That said, your friend might be bored and really excited to have some company. So when planning your get-together, you can say something like, “What are you finding is a good length of time for a visit with friends? Obviously, I’m very excited to see you and catch up with you, but I don’t want to crash naptime or feeding time, or wear you out with socializing.”

  Adopting a child

  Do:

  Know that adoption isn’t “easier” than pregnancy. It’s expensive, emotionally draining, and time-consuming, and it comes with no guarantees.

  Keep in mind that their life might be very uncertain as they wait to be matched; they might not be able to make plans too far in advance during this process.

  Educate yourself on the latest vocabulary. Small language tweaks (like saying “placed for adoption” instead of “given up for adoption” or “was adopted” versus “is adopted”) matter.

  Ask them if they’d like to have a baby shower, the same way you’d ask any of your friends who are expecting.

  Treat their child as their child. Use the terms son, daughter, mother, father, parent, family, and so on to refer to the relationships; there’s really no need to add “adopted” or “adoptive” as a descriptor.

  Don’t:

  Use the term “real” (e.g., real children, real mother, real family) to denote biological relationships.

  Expect your friend to tell why they chose to adopt. People adopt for a range of reasons, some or all of which they may choose to keep private.

  Assume you have a right to know details about their child’s background or birth parents.

  Ask them how much money their child “cost” (YIKES) or how much they spent on the entire process.

  Say “You gave them a better life,” “They are so lucky,” or anything that implies that your friend rescued their child or has done something particularly charitable.

  Forget that taking care of a newborn and being a parent is hard, regardless of whether you birthed said newborn or not. Show up for them with all the love and empathy that you’d offer any new parent.

  Miscarriage

  Do:

  Follow their lead if they are using their baby’s name. It’s a powerful way to acknowledge that their child existed and will be remembered, and that their loss and grief is real.

  Remember that the other parent is experiencing a loss, too; even though someone wasn’t physically carrying the child, they are still grieving and need your love and support.

  Offer to help with any unexpected and difficult tasks they mention. For example, if they say that they are dreading taking down the crib or returning it to the store, offer to be there when they do, or ask if they’d like you to do it for them.

  Don’t:

  Try to play detective and determine the cause of the miscarriage.

  Trivialize the loss based on how early in the pregnancy it happened. This isn’t the time to debate the definition of a “real baby.”

  Make “at least” statements—like, “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “At least you don’t have to deal with stretch marks now!” or “At least you already have one healthy child!”

  Ask when they are going to start trying again or say, “You’ll be able to get pregnant again.”

  Talk about the time your pet died.

  Infertility

  Do:

  Make a mental note of anything your friend mentions in conversation that you should research later. They might not be up for explaining what Clomid or intracytoplasmic sperm injection is, or defining all of the acronyms and abbreviations that pop up on infertility message boards. If your friend uses “TTC,” “2WW,” or “BBT,” just Google it later!

  Recognize that trying to conceive can mean existing in a sort of limbo, where the future is unknown; they may not want or be able to make plans for a year from now.

  Know that they might not be up for traveling anytime soon because they may need to be home to receive injections and also because infertility treatment can be expensive. Even if they haven’t mentioned their finances, err on the side of suggesting budget-friendly activities.

  Be mindful of how you talk about pregnancy and parenting in general in front of them. This isn’t the time to share your thoughts on how “having a baby isn’t impressive, anyone can do it.” They literally can’t!!! And be thoughtful when sharing your own baby news with them. Ask them what kind of updates they are comfortable hearing (and what they can’t deal with), and always give them permission to opt out of baby/pregnancy talk.

  Don’t:

  Offer medical advice or suggestions. If they’ve decided to try (or forgo) a particular treatment option, assume that they have their reasons and move on.

  Bring up adoption. It’s not actually an easy alternative (or even an option for everyone). Also, it’s not like adoption hasn’t occurred to them.

  Share stories about people who successfully had children after years of trying (unless they tell you they want to hear them).

  Say, “You just need to relax!” or “It’ll happen when you stop trying!” or offer up anecdotes about your coworker who finally got pregnant after quitting IVF treatments and taking a vacation.

  Expect them to share all the details of their journey with you. It can be easy to forget that talking about conception means talking about their sex life, a topic this person might not really want to discuss with you.

  Sexual assault or rape

  Do:

  Familiarize yourself with the facts: Sexual assault includes way more than just P
in V penetration, and coercion doesn’t necessarily involve a weapon.

  Believe your friend. False accusations about rape and assault are incredibly rare.

  Remind them that this isn’t their fault.

  Offer to go with them to the hospital or a clinic for a medical exam. (If they have injuries or want a rape kit done, they should do this ASAP.)

  Ask before initiating physical contact (like hugs or touches).

  Pay attention to if/how they identify themselves; “victim” and “survivor” mean different things to different people, so follow their lead.

  Be patient. Healing from trauma takes time.

  Don’t:

  Ask questions that place responsibility on them (e.g., “Why did you go home with them?”).

  Pressure them to go to the police or report their assault if they don’t want to or if they don’t feel safe doing so.

  Make extreme/aggressive statements like, “I’d like to murder the bastard who did this to you.”

  Treat rape or sexual assault as the worst crime in the world; while it is traumatic, going hard on the “It’s life-ruining!!!” rhetoric can reinforce the (false!) idea that people who are sexually assaulted are dirty or broken.

  Intimate partner violence

  Do:

  Know that it can be extremely hard for people—even highly intelligent, shit-together people—to recognize abuse when it’s happening to them, and to actually leave the situation once they’ve realized it.

  Believe your friend if they say they are being abused. Even if the abuser has never been abusive in front of you, even if they “seem so nice,” even if the abuse isn’t physically violent, even if your friend doesn’t match your idea of how an abuse victim looks or behaves.

  Remind them it’s not their fault.

  Be patient and gentle. Do your best to make sure they feel seen, supported, and encouraged.

  Allow them to be the expert on their own safety. Come up with a plan together for how you’ll respond in certain escalating or full-on crisis situations. Establish a neutral code word or emoji that they can use if they are in danger and/or need you to take a specific action, or to simply let you know it’s safe to talk.