The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  While I believe in being as specific as possible, occasionally you’ll need general shorthand for “that thing you did,” particularly if you’ve already repeated “When you said ‘all cat owners are slobs’” several times in a row and you’re kind of short on time. So, here’s how to name these moments.

  Action

  Comment

  Insult

  Message

  Negativity

  Outburst

  Rant

  Reaction

  Response

  Tirade

  Words

  Here are some words to describe said behavior.

  Aggressive

  Bizarre

  Concerning

  Deeply concerning

  Creepy

  Cruel

  Embarrassing

  False

  Fucked-up

  Gross

  Harsh

  Heartless

  Hurtful

  Illegal

  Insulting

  Judgmental

  Mean

  Misogynistic

  Negative

  Not cool

  Not funny

  Offensive

  Predatory

  Racist

  Really not OK

  Rude

  Scary

  Shitty

  Snarky

  Snide

  Snotty

  Thoughtless

  Unacceptable

  Uncalled for

  Unkind

  Upsetting

  Violent

  Wild

  Wrong

  Here are some ways to describe the consequences of the behavior: “I/we/folks . . .”

  feel uncomfortable

  feel unsafe

  are constantly apologizing for your behavior

  are constantly walking on eggshells around you

  feel embarrassed by your behavior

  are questioning your character

  don’t trust you.

  “The behavior . . .”

  is exhausting

  is stressing me out

  really crossed a line

  is sucking the joy out of what used to be a fun space

  is making it difficult to get [thing] done

  has caused other people to stop participating.

  Here are some ways to communicate “This ends now.”

  Cut it out.

  Knock it off.

  Cool it.

  Fucking cool it.

  I’d rather you didn’t.

  Can you please stop?

  This is unacceptable.

  This has to stop.

  This cannot happen again.

  I’m really over it.

  I need to know it won’t happen anymore.

  I’m done acting like this is OK.

  I know that at a glance, this list can look scary and harsh and make you think I expect you to burn down your house to kill a spider. But! When you skip the words/phrases that aren’t right for your situation, pick a few that suit you, and add your own tone, feelings, and lived experiences, this list can cover a whole host of situations that range from “This behavior is kind of annoying” to “You ruined my wedding.”

  Here’s what your confrontation or difficult conversation might sound like in practice.

  What to say

  “Hey, Parker, I’m not really here for all these snarky comments you’re making about my DIY hamster hotel plans. The ‘jokes’ aren’t funny to me, and are actually making me feel pretty shitty. Can you please knock it off?”

  “Hey, Riley, I think I’m reaching my limit on listening to you make mean comments about everyone we work with. Jordan is a good manager who really deserves this promotion, and I’d really like you to stop talking shit about them to me.”

  “Taylor, you know I love hanging out with you, but I’ve been feeling lately like we’re focusing a lot on your dating drama and I’m not getting a chance to share what’s going on in my life. Can you try to shift the balance a little so I’m able to talk about my stuff, too?”

  “Hey, Skye, I’ve noticed recently that you’ve been nitpicking everything I say and shouting me down in group hangouts. I’m not sure if you even realize you’re doing it, but I end up feeling pretty terrible every time we get together. This is a space that used to feel really joyful and inclusive, and now it’s feeling very negative and toxic. I’d really appreciate it if you could try to be more conscious of it and make more of an effort to let me speak without interrupting me.”

  When Your Friend Is Wilding Out

  Sometimes, the people we love dearly can get so caught up in their own narratives that they lose all self-awareness and just start . . . wilding out. Maybe they are getting themselves in hot water at work, treating their dates badly, pissing off their other friends, and exhausting all good will—all while complaining about how all this conflict is so unfair and is everyone’s fault but their own. Their behavior might not be fully dangerous, but it’s still destructive. It can be incredibly tough to be their audience when all you want to do is say, “Actually, maybe it’s you.” Here are some tips for handling those moments.

  Yes, you should say something.

  If you’re telling yourself it’s not your responsibility to speak up or be honest, reconsider that stance. Therapist Ryan Howes says, “As a friend, it’s important to step in because people can be so unaware of what they’re doing. A big part of our job as friends or in any relationship is to hold a mirror up sometimes, and say, ‘Here’s what I’m seeing right now. I could be wrong, but it seems like this might be going on.’” Sometimes showing up means reflecting our friends’ behavior back to them.

  If you can’t say anything, just be boring.

  When people complain, they are seeking validation. They don’t want to solve the problem; they want to hear that they have every right to be pissed. If you don’t offer much in the way of an emotional reaction, you’ll be far less “fun” to talk to. So when they launch into the same story for the fourth time, you can offer very boring responses (e.g., “Hmmmm,” “That sounds rough,” “Yeah, ugh”). I’m not a huge fan of this approach because it’s so indirect, but it’s a good option when you can’t be honest with someone for some bigger reason. It may not entirely solve the problem, but it’s an OK place to start.

  If they refuse your help or tell you you’re wrong, you don’t have to keep intervening.

  There is only so much we can do in these moments; sometimes, you have to let people make their own mistakes. Howes says that once you’ve said your piece, you’re free to let them deal with the consequences of their actions. You also don’t have to convince them that you’re correct in your view of the situation; they don’t have to agree with you in order for you to be able to draw a boundary. You can just say something like, “I’ve already told you how I feel about this; I don’t think I’m the best person to vent to about it anymore.” Or “I feel uncomfortable being around [behavior]. I don’t want to be in that position anymore.”

  When Envy Invades Your Friendship

  Envy (wanting what someone else has) is normal, but it can sometimes be a malignant force in friendships. If you’re feeling envious of, say, your friend’s relationship or promotion, and acting out as a result, it can make your friend feel awful, and ultimately pull away. And if your friend is treating you differently because they are envious of you, you might feel angry, annoyed, hurt, or disappointed. Here are some quick tips for handling envy, regardless of which side of the equation you’re on.

  If you’re the one who is envious . . .

  Remember that this is mostly a You Problem, and has nothing (or very little) to do with your friend.

  Try to be kind to them as you work through your own feelings, and remember to be excited for their accomplishments. While dealing with the root of your envy, do your best not to lash out or treat them differently.

  See your friend’s humanity. When we’re envious of someone, it’s easy to erase their str
uggles from the narrative, or to assume there aren’t any. But of course your friend’s life isn’t perfect. Try not to create a glossy narrative of their life that erases all the hard parts.

  Own up to it. If envy is affecting how you treat your friend or making you pull away, it’s probably time to be vulnerable. You might say something like, “I want to be honest with you; I’m having a hard time being excited for you right now and it has nothing to do with you. I know it’s not OK and I’m working on it. I’m doing my best not to let it affect our friendship, but I know it has started to and I’m so sorry.”

  If you suspect your friend is envious of you . . .

  Remember that this is a Them Problem. It might feel super personal, but it’s likely about what you (or your win) represent.

  Talk to your friend about their behavior. If your friend is making snide comments about something you’re excited about, it’s perfectly reasonable to say something! (The tips for difficult conversations in this chapter should be a good place to start.)

  Don’t accuse your friend of being jealous or envious. Saying “Why are you so jealous of me?” can lead to shame and defensiveness that will make it impossible to have a productive conversation. Instead, focus on their behavior and how it makes you feel. (“I’ve noticed you’ve been making a bunch of negative remarks about my new job, and it’s not cool. What’s going on?”)

  Don’t treat your friend like they are fragile. They probably know, on some level, that they are envious of you, and aren’t very proud of that. But knowing you know, and are tiptoeing around them as a result, usually feels even worse. Be kind and thoughtful, but unless they tell you they need something different from you, proceed overall as normal.

  Avoid diminishing yourself to make them feel better. Be real with them about your struggles, but faux-humble complaints about how your life isn’t perfect are condescending and insincere, and won’t make either of you feel good.

  Dealing with the Jerk in Your Friend Group

  Building a friend group where everyone vibes is so wonderful and special and rare . . . which is why it’s such a bummer when an individual’s behavior suddenly threatens to upend this lovely little community you’re assembling. Bad friend group behavior comes in all different flavors, and can range from relatively minor (e.g., someone is obnoxious or kind of a boor) to incredibly serious (e.g., someone is racist or is a serial sexual harasser). As tempting as it might be to ignore the behavior, let things play out, or dismiss it as “drama,” there may come a point when it has to be dealt with it more directly. If there’s a jerk in your friend group and you aren’t sure what to do, here are some tips to keep in mind.

  Call out bad behavior in the moment.

  While it often makes sense to confront bad behavior after a hangout, this is one situation where I think it’s worth doing it in the moment. First, it signals to everyone in the group that you’re not OK with some kinds of behavior. Second, it can be an important wakeup call. So often, we operate on autopilot with friends and don’t realize that something they are doing is out of line until someone else points it out. It also validates everyone else who has secretly been feeling the same way you are. You may find that others are relieved that you spoke up.

  Responding in front of others in the moment makes it harder for the person who is misbehaving to blow you off, twist your words, or pretend it didn’t happen. And when you speak up, you give other people in the group permission to address the bad behavior, both now and in the future. To speak up is to start establishing a friend group and a culture where inappropriate or unkind behavior isn’t tolerated. If you’re not sure what to say in those moments, here are some options.

  What to say

  “I hope you’re not saying that because you think I/we agree with you.”

  This is, to me, the gold standard, particularly in scenarios when you need to keep it polite and cordial (like in a work setting, or when you’re with in-laws). You can keep your tone mild, but be confident.

  Other ideas:

  “Yiiiiikes.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “That is . . . not a funny joke.”

  “Wow, that’s a really [rude/unkind/mean/not funny/inappropriate/gross/fucked-up] thing to say.”

  “Wow. Can we change the subject please?”

  And, once again, don’t underestimate the power of tone and body language! If someone is making a terrible “joke,” dead silence and linemouth from everyone present is a great start. (If you’re texting, try “. . . . . . . . .” or “*blinks repeatedly*.”)

  Sometimes, you gotta be The One.

  It will probably not surprise you to learn that I am often the person gently calling out bad behavior. I do this not because I want to, but because someone has to in these moments, and no one else is doing it. Which is really frustrating! Confrontation is emotional labor that can cost real social or professional capital, and it’s frustrating when my friends and colleagues don’t recognize that and offer to share the burden.

  The more power/privilege you have in a given situation, the more responsibility you have to speak up. But, all else being equal, if one person in your friend circle is always The One, it’s probably your turn to speak up. If you’re telling yourself it’s OK to stay quiet because this other person “is just better at it” or “they like doing it,” you may want to reconsider. Over the years, I’ve noticed which of my friends have been silent time and time and time again, even though they agreed with me, and even though they had more power or privilege. And over time, their silence has eroded our friendship. So if it’s been a while since you were the first one to step in and say, “Hey, maybe don’t” to a friend who was crossing the line, find your courage, and remember the only way to get good at something is to practice.

  If you’re the one who is feeling hurt, uncomfortable, angry, etc., decide what you want/need from mutual friends to manage or remedy the situation.

  Once you’ve realized you have an issue with someone else, figure out what you need and expect from others going forward. Here are some questions to ask yourself, plus what to say in each scenario.

  Do you need a gut-check to get a sense of whether others feel this way?

  “Every time I hang out with Remy, I leave feeling really drained—they talk over everyone, constantly interrupt, make really mean ‘jokes’ about me, and never bother to ask me how I’m doing. Have you been getting that vibe, too?”

  Do you just need mutual friends to know about the problem for the time being?

  “Remy has been making mean ‘jokes’ about me lately and I really don’t like it. I’m not confronting them about it right now for Reasons, but I’m also not inviting them to my birthday party. I’m not asking you to take sides or take action; I just wanted you to know why they aren’t on the invite list.”

  (That second sentence might also look something like “I’ve already had a conversation with them about it, but I also don’t really want them at my birthday party” if you have, in fact, confronted Remy.)

  Do you need mutual friends to take action or do something different?

  “Remy has been making a bunch of mean ‘jokes’ about me lately and it’s been really draining. Can you please let me know if you are planning to invite them to future hangouts so I can emotionally prepare and plan to avoid them?”

  Variations on this one:

  “Can you please intervene in the moment if you notice it happening?”

  “Can you please let me know if you’re planning on bringing them along? I might want to opt out in that case.”

  “Can you please tell them to cut it out since [you’re the host/they’re your close friend/you’re the reason we keep inviting them/I already have and they aren’t listening]?”

  “Can you please stop inviting them to our hangouts?”

  And if a friend comes to you and says “Hey, Mutual Friend is pissing me off” but doesn’t tell you what they need from you, ask: “How can I help?” “Do you
want me to say something?” “Would you prefer if I stopped inviting them?”

  Remember: Friend groups are governed by their own rules.

  “Innocent until proven guilty” and “beyond a reasonable doubt” may be the legal default in the US, but friend groups are different—as my friend Jennifer Peepas, aka Captain Awkward, has said, you aren’t required to cite a dozen examples of iron-clad evidence before deciding a mutual sucks. The law of a friend group can be, “If several people are getting icky vibes from someone, that’s reason enough to stop inviting them!” It might also be, “We don’t give racists/misogynists another chance because that increases the chances that more friends will be harmed.” Some folks in your group may attempt to litigate invite lists or push back on ostracization, whining about due process and the presumption of innocence, but you don’t have to accept these debates. (And, I’d argue, you shouldn’t accept these debates or spend much time/energy on them—because doing so legitimatizes them.)

  If a friend says, “This person makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to hang out with them,” believe your friend.

  Don’t interrogate them, try to convince them their feelings are wrong, or default to a “Well they’ve never done anything to ME” defense. If your friend is taking it seriously, assume it’s a pretty serious matter. It is OK to ask for information if you’re genuinely not understanding the issue, but those questions should come from a place of curiosity and thoughtfulness, which you can communicate through your phrasing and tone.

  Then again, if you don’t believe your friend, just own that.

  Siding with the alleged jerk is a choice that you’re allowed to make—a choice that may cost you this other friendship, yes, but a choice that you might feel is best in this moment. In those instances, it’s better just to say, “I think you’re overreacting/being unfair/wrong and I’m going to continue to invite this person, but I don’t expect you to attend” to the aggrieved person, and then deal with whatever consequences that choice spurs. Pick a side (and know that not making a decision is making a decision), be confident in it, and accept the fallout.