The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  It’s really, really OK if we aren’t all best friends.

  Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that two people you really like just don’t like each other all that much. If neither is doing anything egregious, and they aren’t asking you to intervene, it’s probably not your problem to solve. Trying to force a friendship for the sake of group harmony rarely ends well.

  If you’re going to start excluding someone from the group, you may need to say something.

  You may be able to get away with not saying anything if you’re choosing not to include them in a fairly intimate, private hangout. They might find out—and will likely be hurt—and it’s up to you to decide if you’re OK with that. (More on this in a moment.) But if you’re disinviting them from an established weekly gathering, then . . . yeah, you can’t just pretend the group disbanded.

  If you decide to give them a head’s-up, you can approach that the same way you’d approach any difficult conversation with a friend and utilize the tips from earlier in this chapter. But you may need to turn your confidence up a notch. Be prepared to hold firm if they insist it’s not fair, say their bad behavior was just a joke or “no big deal,” or try to plead their case to the other people in the group. And if you’re telling them to stop hitting on all your female friends because it’s making everyone uncomfortable, or telling them to knock off the racist jokes, know that they are probably going to protest. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. (Please, I’m begging you, tell them to stop hitting on everyone!!!) But feelings of shame tend to skyrocket in group situations, which can result in heightened defensiveness and emotional reactions.

  Use your best judgment when deciding how blunt to be. If the friend is being obnoxious but not super harmful, or their behavior is rooted in a lack of self-awareness or a more delicate Them Problem, be gentle and kind but still direct. But if they are being actively harmful, ignoring clear boundaries, and/or have disregarded all previous attempts to get them to knock it off, you might need to make it clear that this is a serious problem. Here’s what this conversation might sound like.

  What to say

  “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about all the ‘jokes’ you’ve been making about Quinn the past few times we’ve hung out. These comments are incredibly cruel and not funny, and I’m not comfortable having you at my birthday party or around much in general right now. I hope you’ll take this to heart and apologize to Quinn, and work on earning back everyone’s trust again.”

  Alternatives for other scenarios:

  “All of this negativity is sucking the joy out of what used to be a really fun space.”

  “These comments aren’t funny and are, in fact, incredibly concerning.”

  “This behavior is creepy and really, really not OK.”

  “These comments are so cruel they make me question your character, and I’m not comfortable being around you right now.”

  And if the person isn’t making you personally uncomfortable, definitely talk to the person who raised the issue and find out what exactly they’re OK with you sharing. They may be fine with your saying, “You’ve been really nasty to Quinn lately and it’s not cool” . . . but they may prefer you go with a more vague option like, “You’ve made a lot of really mean comments during our past few hangouts, and folks were getting fed up with it.” That said, try not to pass the buck too much here; it might be wise to add “and I can see why” or otherwise communicate that you agree that the behavior is a problem.

  If you decide not to tell them why you’re blowing them off, be ready to give them a non-bullshit answer if they confront you about it.

  A lot of people will ask you why they weren’t included or invited when they expected to be, so it’s worth thinking about that when you decide to not invite them.

  What to say

  “The truth is, I’ve been pretty upset about all the mean ‘jokes’ and nasty comments you’ve been making about me recently, and I didn’t really want you at my birthday party.”

  “The truth is, your ‘jokes’ have been making people uncomfortable lately, and I can see why, quite honestly.”

  “It’s important to me that all my friends feel comfortable in my home, and your mean ‘jokes’ and nasty comments are standing in the way of that.”

  “Honestly? You’ve been really negative lately and it’s a problem.”

  When a Friend Confronts You

  There are few things worse than having someone you care about tell you that you hurt them or did them wrong. When it happens, most of us tend to react quickly; before you can even process your red-hot shame, it’s been flushed away by a huge wave of self-preservation and defensiveness. The next thing you know, you’re in fight-or-flight mode, pouring gasoline all over an already fiery situation. Not ideal! Here are some tips to try to keep in mind instead.

  Breathe.

  This is classic advice for a reason. When your signals are jamming, breathing helps you stay grounded so you can respond more thoughtfully.

  Listen to understand.

  So often, in moments of conflict, we listen to disagree. Instead, aim to understand. If you need to ask questions, go ahead—but come from a place of curiosity, not defensiveness. (As usual, your tone will do most of the work here.)

  Curiosity: “I’m surprised to hear you say that you don’t think I care about the success of the Popcorn Gala, because I’m really enthusiastic about it and its mission and have been putting a ton of effort into the decorations. Can you tell me what I’m missing here?”

  Defensiveness: “So when I offered to make ALL of the decorations, that didn’t COUNT?!?!?!”

  Try to identify something you agree with.

  It won’t always be possible, but saying something like, “You’re right—I totally forgot to prepare the Popcorn Gala Committee meeting agenda for today, and I looked like an ass” can diffuse a lot of tension and be a small step toward a resolution.

  Know that it’s OK to request a minute to take it all in.

  Most of us need time to process criticism—to cool down enough to truly hear it and respond to it thoughtfully, or to offer a meaningful apology. If you feel yourself getting defensive or angry, ask for a moment to collect yourself.

  What to say

  “I can feel myself getting emotionally flooded right now, which is making it harder for me to process what you’re saying and respond appropriately. Could I have a second to collect my thoughts?”

  “I am feeling a little defensive hearing this and I know that’s going to stand in the way of our being able to have a productive conversation right now. Would you be willing to give me a minute to [take a lap/get my bearings/process what you’re saying] before I respond? I know that’s a lot to ask, but I care about you and I don’t want to respond when I’m feeling so emotional.”

  They may not be willing to acquiesce, but it’s still a completely reasonable request!

  If you can, thank them for being honest with you.

  I know this might be difficult if they are really pissed at you, or if you disagree with what they are saying. But ultimately, they are doing you a favor by telling you how they feel, and expressing gratitude legitimizes their need and honors their vulnerability in this moment.

  If you didn’t respond well, own up to that ASAP.

  So, you blew up. It happens! You can still say something like: “Hey, I just wanted to apologize for how I reacted earlier when you mentioned that I’ve flaked on the Popcorn Gala Committee a few times recently. I [got defensive/snapped at you/was super argumentative/told you I hadn’t been blowing you off when I knew I had], and that wasn’t cool of me. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry.” (And yes, you should still do this even if you’ve already apologized for the core issue they were upset about.)

  “Are You Mad at Me?”

  When a friend suddenly starts blowing you off, making snide comments about you, or otherwise treating you differently, it feels bad—especially if you have no idea what has caused this change in the
ir behavior. In that case, you might be tempted to confront them to ask what’s up. Great! I’m all for that! So, let’s talk about how to make that conversation better, regardless of which friend you are in this scenario.

  If you’re the one doing the asking

  First, know that “Are you mad at me?” is a fine way to ask them about this, but if you want to spark an honest answer or productive conversation, you can tweak the question a bit. Instead, try this: observation + curiosity + space.

  State your observation: “Hey, I’ve noticed you [have been blowing me off/are making a lot snide comments/are way less talkative/didn’t invite me to your birthday party].”

  Come from a place of curiosity and genuine humility: “Of course, it could be my imagination, but I’m getting the sense you’re upset or unhappy with me, and I am not sure what I did or said to cause that. If I did do something wrong, I definitely want to know so I can stop doing it, apologize properly, and make things right.”

  Offer space (because they are likely shitting their pants at this point): “I don’t want to put you on the spot, but maybe we can talk about it [later/tomorrow over coffee/after the Popcorn Gala].”

  Your tone matters a lot here; you want to communicate genuine openness and contrition. If you can’t have this conversation without guilt-tripping them, you may not be in the right headspace to have it at all. Also, don’t apologize preemptively (“If I did something wrong, I’m sorry”). You can’t apologize if you don’t know what you’re apologizing for!

  Once you’ve said your part, be prepared to hear them out. Try not to get defensive; instead, stay in that place of humility and contrition.

  If you’re the one who is being asked, “Are you mad at me?”—and you are, in fact, mad at them

  Being confronted in this way can lead to a panic moment where all you want to do is make it stop—so you lie and say that nothing is wrong, that you’re just really busy; or you say you haven’t been making snide comments (when you know damn well you have). And I get it, I really do. But unless you’re opting to be less than truthful for reasons like personal safety or super extreme circumstances (like you’re actually about to testify against them before a grand jury), the right thing to do is be honest.

  Look: they aren’t wrong to ask you if something has changed in the relationship—because something has changed, and they’re picking up on that. They worked up the courage to ask you about it, which isn’t easy. Telling them everything is fine when it’s not is cruel; it’s going to make them feel crazy. Fight the urge to panic-lie, and try something to this effect instead:

  What to say

  “You’re right. I have been [doing that thing], and that was [unkind/immature/uncool/shitty] of me. The truth is, I’ve been pretty upset about [thing you’re upset about].”

  Then—non-defensively!!!—offer an honest explanation for your behavior. This isn’t about justification; it’s about helping them understand how you got here. So, that might be something like . . .

  “I didn’t have the guts to talk to you directly about it.”

  “I was hoping these feelings would go away once I had a little time/space to process them.”

  “I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to handle it.”

  “I was planning to say something to you this weekend over coffee.”

  “I didn’t realize it was affecting how I treat you.”

  “I was afraid to talk to you about it because the last time we had a similar conversation, you screamed at me.”

  If the reason you’re upset is too big or nebulous to get into in that exact moment, or if responding with total honesty is out of the question (e.g., you’ve been blowing them off because you’ve been secretly helping their spouse prepare to leave them), you can still get in the neighborhood of honesty! Try something vague like, “I’ve honestly been pretty frustrated about a couple of things that have happened recently. I’d been planning to talk to you about it soon but now isn’t the right time; I’d like to gather my thoughts a bit. But maybe we can make some time to discuss at [a soonish date/time/planned hangout]?”

  How to Properly Apologize

  It’s never fun to admit you’ve made a mistake or to face the hurt you’ve caused, especially if you consider yourself a good person (as most of us do). But if you want to have meaningful, authentic relationships, you have to be willing to apologize, and learn to do it well. A mediocre “apology” can undermine trust for years or fully kill a friendship. Showing up means admitting you fucked up when you did, indeed, fuck up.

  I feel very lucky to have been on the receiving end of a few incredibly thoughtful apologies in my life. These apologies saved important, valuable relationships that might have simple withered on the vine had my friends not had the grace and maturity to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. Yes, my friends upset me, but their apologies were meaningful enough for me to forgive them and to think even more highly of them than I had before. That’s the power of a good apology.

  First, know that much of a good apology comes from what you don’t say.

  If you can’t offer an apology without qualifiers like “I’m sorry if I . . . ,” “I’m sorry, but . . . ,” and “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you might not be ready to apologize yet. Also skip “Do you forgive me?” and “Please forgive me,” which puts your friend on the spot and pushes them accept your apology before they’ve fully processed their anger or pain.44

  Make sure you really hear the person out before you say, “I’m sorry.”

  People who are upset want to be heard; don’t cut them off in your rush to apologize. “Words of apology, no matter how sincere, will not heal a broken connection if you haven’t listened well to the hurt party’s anger and pain,” Harriet Lerner says. This probably won’t be fun for you, but it will make a big difference to them.

  Try not to center your own feelings about messing up.

  Excessive use of phrases like “I feel awful” or “I’m so distraught about this” or “I’m a miserable piece of shit and I hate myself” can come across as insincere and leave the other person feeling like they need to comfort you. The person you hurt is not the appropriate audience for your tears or distress. Be sure to process your feelings with someone else before you attempt to apologize, and check yourself if you start sliding into this territory.

  Embarrassed is a magic(ish) word when you’re apologizing.

  “I’m so embarrassed” is a phrase we rarely hear, probably because it’s one we all hate saying out loud. But it’s so often exactly how we feel after realizing we’ve let someone down. We’re embarrassed we didn’t know better or that we were so thoughtless. We’re embarrassed that this other person had to spend time thinking about our bad behavior and that they may have even told other people about it.

  In my experience, saying “I’m embarrassed” or “I’m mortified”—when you are, in fact, embarrassed or mortified—goes a long way in diffusing a tense situation. It tends to disarm people (myself included!) and helps us connect as human beings instead of opponents. If you’re struggling to communicate what it is you’re feeling when you’ve been confronted by a friend, “embarrassed” might be the exact word you’re looking for.

  Don’t overdo it.

  Yes, you should make it clear you’re taking this seriously, but the tone of your apology should match the seriousness of the offense. If you write a three-page apology letter for spilling coffee on a friend’s rug, it’s not going to land (and is probably just going annoy them).

  Know that you have no control over what happens next.

  Your apology may be accepted, but it may not. Or it may take them a little time to truly forgive you. If you enter the conversation thinking that the apology guarantees you a happy ending or means you’ll both move on and pretend this never happened, you may be disappointed. Try to come from a place of humility and open-heartedness; if you do, it will come through. Regardless of the outcome, you should be proud of yourself for apologizing.r />
  Here’s a sample apology you can dial up or down as you see fit.

  What to say

  “Friend, this wasn’t easy to hear, but I’m really glad you were honest with me—I know that was probably a hard thing to do, and I’m grateful you did it. You’re completely right that I [said something cruel/dropped the ball/let you down/have been acting like a brat lately]. I’m really sorry I hurt you. My behavior was so thoughtless, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m incredibly embarrassed but I want you to know that I’m doing [XYZ] to make sure this never happens again.”

  Friend Breakups

  Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a friendship will need to end. You may already know this on some level, but I think acknowledging that friend breakups are real and necessary is really important.

  When we tell ourselves it’s OK to settle for toxic friendships, we aren’t giving friendships nearly enough credit. Of course our friends have the power to hurt us so deeply that we need to walk away; to say otherwise disregards the significance of these relationships. I didn’t realize until after my first friend breakup that the fact that this person was indeed so important and influential in my life was exactly why it was OK—and necessary—to end our friendship.

  Is This Friendship Over?

  If you’re not sure it would be “right” to end a friendship, here are some signs it might be time.

  There’s a mismatch in terms of effort, investment, interest, or fondness.

  There was a serious betrayal or boundary violation.

  You feel like you no longer have anything in common or anything to talk about.

  You don’t like your friend, or they don’t seem to like you all that much.

  You don’t like who you are when you’re with them, or you feel like you need to change to make them happy.

  You feel like the only way it could work is if the person changed in significant ways.

  You dread hanging out with them.

  The friendship is negative or toxic (i.e., there’s a lot of jealousy, criticism, fighting, meanness, pressure, shaming, dismissiveness, negging, accusatory behavior, anger, dishonesty, passive-aggression, straight-up aggression, manipulation, controlling behavior, and/or drama).