The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  One or both of you has already tried to fix the friendship, but it’s still not working.

  You just know in your heart you want to break up with this friend.

  There are a few different ways a friendship might end (or that you can end it): a fizzle, an adjustment, breadcrumbing, ghosting, or a formal breakup.

  The Fizzle

  Sometimes, it makes the most sense to let a relationship come to its slow, inglorious end. In practice, it might look something like this: You tried to make plans, one of you bailed, the other was supposed to check their calendar to find a new time and never got around to it, no one followed up, and now it’s suddenly three months later and both of you feel pretty *shrug* about it.

  The fizzle is typically mutual—both parties just sort of know they’ve grown apart or no longer have much in common, and neither feels a strong need to talk about it or fix it. And while it can be the result of a conflict, it doesn’t have to be.

  The Adjustment

  An adjustment happens when you reduce the amount of contact you have or the level of intimacy present in the friendship—without calling it quits. It answers the question, “What if two friends break up . . . but remain friends?” If our friendships exist on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being our very best friends), an adjustment might mean going from an 8 to a 3 or a 4. (It can also be a precursor to the fizzle—because once you’re at a 3, a 1 or a 0 might naturally follow.)

  You could do an adjustment quietly, without any sort of conversation about it; that might make sense if you both know what happened or if you can’t be totally honest for social/professional/practical/safety reasons. But this is risky! It drags the process out, and a lot of people—particularly closer friends—will call you out for pulling away, or ask you what they did wrong. So if you’re hoping to avoid any sort of confrontation or conflict, it might not be possible this way.

  The other option is to be open about it. You can tell the person what you need instead of hoping they’ll figure it out on their own. This might be the right option if you want (or have) to remain in each other’s lives but need to reset a few boundaries, do some work on yourself, rebuild trust, have less frequent contact, or reduce the level of intimacy . . . and you think they’ll be open/responsive to the idea. It won’t always make sense to be up front about it, but it can definitely work in some friendships and is worth trying if you and your friend genuinely care about each other but need a little space. (And if it doesn’t work, well . . . it’ll still “work,” you know what I mean?)

  Breadcrumbing

  When you think you’re doing an adjustment but the other person really doesn’t understand what’s happening (so they keep asking you to hang out and you keep claiming you’re too busy even though you’re not), you might actually be breadcrumbing. That looks like staying in contact but always dodging real plans, disappearing for days at a time but continuing to like their Instagram posts, insisting that everything is fine when it’s not fine, giving them very plausible excuses for why you can’t show up for them right now, and effectively leading them on. It’s easy to tell yourself that they know what they did or that you’re being obvious about the fact that you don’t want to be friends, but they might not know! It might not actually be obvious! Breadcrumbing is kind of a bummer for all parties, so I don’t really recommend it.

  A Formal Breakup

  Sometimes, it makes the most sense to officially end the relationship with a Serious Conversation. A formal breakup can be something you do for yourself or for the other person or for both of your sakes. I don’t think all relationships call for such a formal ending, and, in fact, it might be a little odd if you “break up” with a friend you aren’t all that close with! But before you breadcrumb because you think it’s the “nice” option, it’s worth asking yourself whether you’re really being kind in avoiding them, or if you’re actually doing it for selfish and kind of shitty reasons. Sometimes, the purest way to honor what a friend meant to you and taught you is with a clean break.

  So, You’re Thinking of Ghosting

  Ghosting is ending the friendship without any sort of communication or explanation and ignoring all contact going forward. It’s going from an 8 to negative 20 without so much as a hint. If someone is abusive, manipulative, or has ignored multiple “Hey, no, really, this behavior isn’t cool” warnings already, it might make the most sense to GTFO and pretend the relationship never happened. That said, it really hurts to be on the other side of this, especially in a close friendship; I don’t recommend doing it unless the circumstances are fairly extreme.

  How to Officially Break Up with a Friend

  If you’ve decided a clean break makes the most sense, you might be wondering how to break up with a friend. And the answer is . . . just like you’d break up with anyone else! But let’s get into some of the specifics of officially ending a friendship, including exactly what to say.

  Decide how you’ll have the conversation.

  Maybe it’s because I’m a phone call–hating millennial, but I’m actually not opposed to a text or email friend breakup. I think it’s more important that the medium make sense for this relationship. So if you two never, ever speak on the phone but exchange lengthy, well-written texts all day every day, calling them to dump them might actually feel weird or be harder. On the other hand, if they are a die-hard “I’ll call you” person who uses emojis all wrong, it might be easier on both of you if you just do it in person. You don’t have to have a difficult conversation via a medium you’re not fluent in just because it’s the “right” thing according to an etiquette guide written by someone who never had to compose an AIM away message that communicated everything in a single sentence.

  Plan what you’re going to say in advance.

  You don’t need to go in with a stack of handwritten index cards, but you also shouldn’t wing it. So scribble down some notes and memorize the broad strokes of what you come up with. (This shouldn’t be hard; as you’ll see in a moment, it’s going to be a pretty short conversation!) If you’re really stressed or anxious, it’s not a bad idea to practice your breakup speech on someone else.

  Be very clear about what is happening, and say the most important words right away.

  This isn’t the time for a long-winded *clears throat* “Merriam-Webster defines friendship as . . .” introduction. Just spit it out! Be very direct about what, exactly, you need; actually use the words “break up with this friendship” or “end our friendship” or “I don’t want to be friends anymore.” This is a good move in any breakup, but it’s even more important during a friend breakup, which not everyone is going to recognize in the moment is even a possibility. Muttering a lot of “I think we’ve both just changed” without saying what you want or need can be incredibly confusing.

  Keep it short.

  Listen: I feel you on wanting to present an itemized list of twenty years of disagreements here. But as satisfying as it may feel to air all your grievances on your way out the door, it’s not really productive or helpful in most cases. That said, it’s a kindness to give them some sort of explanation (assuming the reason isn’t wildly obvious). And if you don’t tell them why, they will likely ask you anyway! So come up with an honest, brief, and relatively tidy explanation for why you’re calling it quits, and try to use “I” statements.

  What to say

  If they let you down or betrayed you: “I don’t feel like I can trust you.”

  If they are nasty to you: “I don’t like how you talk to me and treat me.”

  If they are incredibly negative, or their unhappiness is affecting you: “I don’t like how I feel when we’re together.”

  If it’s a boundary thing: “We clearly have different needs and expectations with regard to [time/energy/openness/intimacy/availability] in our friendship, and I don’t actually think it’s something either of us can or should change.”

  If it’s a You Problem and/or you just no longer like them as a person: “This friendship is bringing
out the worst side of me.” If it’s definitely a You Problem, you may also want to add something like, “I know that I need to do some work on myself to figure out/fix what’s going on with me. But I know I need to step away to be able to really do that.”

  If they are wilding out: “You’ve been [acting really possessive and jealous/making a lot of racist comments/doing an astonishing amount of coke/making a lot of really inappropriate ‘jokes’] and it honestly makes me pretty uncomfortable. I can’t ignore it anymore or pretend it’s OK with me.”

  If your core values or personalities are incompatible: “I think we are different in some pretty significant ways, and I actually don’t think either of us is wrong or should be expected to change. But I am realizing it’s difficult for me to be friends with someone who [doesn’t share any of my interests/has certain political beliefs/feels so different about their career than I do].”

  If you need a good catch-all:

  “Our friendship has become really toxic.”

  “In the past few months, I’ve realized we are just incompatible in a bunch of ways that have started to add up.” (Note: They may want specific examples; be prepared and tread lightly.)

  “This friendship doesn’t feel right to me anymore.”

  “I don’t think this friendship is serving either of us anymore.”

  Communicate how you want to handle any obvious social or logistical conundrums.

  Before you have the talk, think about what you want to happen next, and come to the conversation with a plan in mind. That might sound something like . . .

  “FYI, I’m going to unfriend you and unfollow you on social media.”

  “I’m planning to stay at my parents’ until I find a new place to live, but I’ll continue to pay my portion of the rent in the meantime.”

  “I know I’ll still see you in class until the semester is over; I hope we can keep things civil.”

  “I’d like to come by this weekend to collect all of the books I’ve loaned to you over the years; if you want, you can box them up and leave them on the porch. If you prefer to go that route, I’ll send you a list ahead of time so we can make a clean break.”

  “Given this, I’ve decided not to attend your wedding in May; I will, of course, pay for the cost of my dinner since I’m canceling so late.”

  “Obviously we still have to work together, but I’m prepared to be polite and professional, and I have no intention of sharing what happened between us with anyone else if they ask.”

  Put It All Together, and What Do You Have?

  Here’s what your actual friend breakup might sound like, using the tips and scripts above.

  “Hey, Harper, I am writing to say that I need to break up with our friendship. Ever since you told Casey and Ali the private details of my sex life without my permission, I haven’t felt like I could trust you. I’ve always considered you one of my best friends, but this was a huge violation, and I can’t be friends with you anymore. I know I’ll still see you at Jordan’s wedding next month, and I hope we can keep things civil. But beyond that, I am planning to stop all contact.”

  “Harper, I think it’s time to end this friendship. We’re bringing out the worst in each other, and it’s become exhausting. I know my behavior played a role in this, and I’ll own that; I really crossed the line at Jordan’s party and I am sorry for how shitty I was to you that day. But I’ve given it a lot of thought and realized that I need to step away from this friendship. I genuinely wish you the best and am sad that everything is ending like this.”

  “Hey, Harper, I know you’ve probably noticed I’ve been pretty quiet lately, and I want to be honest with you about what’s going on. The truth is, I don’t want to be friends anymore. You’ve made a lot of comments about Sam that have made me super uncomfortable, and I’m not OK with it. I had hoped things would get better with time, but it’s been three months, and I’ve realized I’m done with this friendship. I’m sad to lose you, but I think it’s for the best.”

  Be prepared for them to react negatively or to be painfully honest.

  You don’t have to listen while someone berates you, but you can give them a few minutes to say their piece before you bounce. That said, remember that a breakup isn’t a negotiation. You’re making this decision for a reason, and it’s important to hold firm, even if they cry or blame you or promise to change. If they try to talk you out of it or guilt-trip you, you can communicate that it’s not up for debate by saying something like, “I hear you, but I feel pretty strongly about this and know that’s not going to change.” If you want to own up to your shortcomings, you can add, “You’re right, I did really let you down last month and that wasn’t cool.”

  Give yourself time and space to grieve.

  My first friend breakup was made harder by the fact that I didn’t know how to express my hurt in terms that other people would understand. Had I broken up with a romantic partner, I would have had no problem reaching for the ice cream/French fries/tequila. But I spent the night after my friend breakup feeling embarrassed about how sad I was. It was actually a feeling I knew well, back from my dating days, when I struggled with the fact that we only seem to give credit to Officially Defined Relationships. I had done a lot of “Is this dating?” I “had a whole thing” on multiple occasions. In many cases, both parties were really emotionally invested, and there was genuine disappointment and sadness all around when things ended. But they were still hard to talk about once they were over. I couldn’t say, “I’m sad that I broke up with my boyfriend,” because, well, he wasn’t my boyfriend, so what right did I have to be sad?

  Whenever a relationship like this ended, I’d think, This went on for a while! This was something! I want credit for what we had and sympathy for this pain I’m feeling! I’d feel sad, but also ashamed of being so upset over someone who wasn’t officially anything to me. I never really knew how sad I was “supposed” to be or “allowed” to be, so I was too embarrassed to talk about how I felt, or to admit that getting over it was going to take time and effort. Grieving, like breakups, was for people in real relationships.

  But with my friend breakup, it hit me: A “real” relationship is any relationship that involves relating, labels be damned. So I put on my comfy clothes, snuggled on the couch with my dogs, and the next day I told my other friends that I was sad because I was going through a breakup. They responded with the same kind of love and support that they would have if I had broken up with a partner. Despite the fact that this isn’t something a lot of people talk about, I’ve realized it’s something that most people inherently understand as soon as you give it a name.

  Final Thoughts

  A few days before I turned in a final draft of this book, I had a series of physical sensations that were . . . odd. First, I had a bad reaction to environmental allergies, which isn’t that unusual for me. Then my chest started to feel tight and constricted, and I couldn’t breathe easily or get comfortable. I just felt off. My girlfriend made me promise that if I didn’t feel better the next day, I’d go to urgent care, and I agreed.

  The next day, I didn’t exactly feel better, but I could breathe, which was good enough for me. I got to work on the book—revising Chapter 8, specifically, which includes signs something may be physically wrong with a person—and was so absorbed in getting that done that I didn’t check in with my body in a meaningful way. I noticed that I felt off, but I didn’t really process it. Afternoon rolled around and I realized I wasn’t hungry for lunch (weird for me), so I finally stopped and did a mental body scan. I was still feeling pressure in my upper back; my left shoulder, neck, and jaw were hurting a lot and my fingers were tingling; and I was experiencing something like indigestion. Every Google search turned up basically the same result: These are textbook “woman having a heart attack” symptoms. It happens more than you might think to young, healthy women who don’t see it coming. Go to the doctor, you dummy.

  And yet . . . I hesitated. I genuinely can’t explain why. I didn’
t have a “good” reason; I just . . . didn’t want to? I had work to do and didn’t feel like stopping. I was worried about looking silly (what if it was just heartburn?), and also worried it was something serious. (If it was serious, I—rather inexplicably—did not want to know that???) I was worried about the cost. (If this had happened just two weeks earlier, when I still had barebones freelancer health insurance, I don’t think I would have gone.) If I’m being honest, the main reason I finally decided to see a doctor is because I’d promised my girlfriend the night before that I would.

  After I made the short walk to the nearby clinic, I was asked a million questions and given an EKG. The doctor—who blessedly took me very seriously—ultimately said everything was normal, and that my symptoms were likely a “cascade of reactions” related to my allergy attack the night before. But, he said, if I had any shortness of breath or chest pain, any dizziness or nausea or sweating, I was to go to the ER immediately and take my EKG with me.

  On my way home, I felt embarrassed—not because I wasn’t actually dying, but because I have written an entire book about showing up and yet I still, occasionally, have to be convinced not to ignore the literal pain in my literal heart.

  The whole experience was, to me, exactly what showing up looks like in practice. It’s doing mundane tasks, like going to the doctor, even when you don’t want to. It’s saying, “You need to get help,” to someone you love. It’s listening to your people when they tell you it’s time to talk to a professional. It’s not pretending to be chill when you’re actually quite worried. It isn’t easy or sexy or fun; it’s often inconvenient and potentially very expensive and incredibly vulnerable. It doesn’t usually happen in ways that end with a dramatic “and that changed my life.” Sometimes, it’s just going to a boring-ass doctor’s office and answering some questions and getting some tests run and then going home. But not everything has to be super high-stakes or avert a tragedy to be worthwhile.