The Superfarter

by Cal Osborne

  Chapter 6 - Fart disco

  At last the day of the disco was here. I met Pani and Tyler outside the school gym. Like always, Dordles was not there yet. Kids were all walking in. They were all dressed very nice. Everyone was saying hello to everyone. When we walked inside we were shocked. The gym looked great. It looked like a real disco. There was a dance floor. There was music playing. There were balloons. There was even one of those shiny disco balls.

  There was a long table where we would all eat. Ms. White had put colored plates and cups with our names on them. There was all sorts of food in the middle of the table. It looked like the type of food rich people would eat in a movie. Katie was walking around the table. She was wearing a chef’s apron and hat. She was checking the big pot in the middle of the table. She would lift the lid on one pot and stir it. I knew it was the fart stew. Mr. Close was walking around behind her. Katie was telling him what to do. “I’ll need some salt” she said. Mr. Close would hand her some salt. Katie would shake some into the dish. She looked like a real chef and Mr. Close looked like her helper.

  I walked over to her. “How did you go with the….” She put her hand up to stop me talking and said “SHHH”. Then she turned to Mr. Close. “I’m going to need some paprika from the school kitchen” she said. Mr. Close said “Yes Katie, I’ll just go get it”. Then he walked off looking very excited. Ever since Katie was on Mini Mastercook, Mr. Close would do anything Katie said. It was like he thought she was famous.

  When Mr. Close walked off Katie whispered to me “Where have you been? I need you to taste this”. I opened my mouth to answer and she shoved a big spoon into my mouth. I thought it was going to taste yuk, so I screwed up my face. I chewed slowly and tried to not let it touch my tongue. But then the taste hit me. It was…it was…it was….the BEST thing I’d ever tasted. My eyes opened really wide. My mouth dropped open. She had done it. She really was a great cook. She had taken the worst tasting thing ever and made it into the best testing thing ever. “Well?” she said “What do you think?” Before I could stop myself I threw my arms around Katie and gave her a great big hug. She was shocked. “Its p-p-p-p-perfect!” I said. That was really weird. For some reason I stuttered when I talked to Katie. That had never happened before.

  Lots of kids were in the gym now. Even Dordles was there. Mr. Close, Mrs. Butcher and Ms. White told everyone to sit down for dinner. Everyone felt happy and was in a good mood. I forgot about the fart stew. I was having too much fun. We all sat down and started eating and talking. People were smiling and laughing. Everyone loved the fart stew. When I looked around everyone had some on their plate. People kept telling Katie how great it tasted. She was smiling. Even Mr. Close and Ms. White loved it. I saw Mr. Close go back and get seconds. Then thirds. I’m sure if he knew what was going to happen he probably wouldn’t have eaten so much.

  After dinner we all got up and started dancing. There was a man playing all the cool new songs. Like “Woop woop”, and “Yipa Horsy Style” and “I’m so cool”. All the kids were jumping up and down. They were dancing and having fun. Mr. White was dancing like a funny old man. Ms. White was dancing with all the kids. She looked pretty. “Are you having fun Danny?” she asked me. “Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y”. I gave up and just nodded and danced instead.

  Pani, Tyler, Dordles and I were standing in a circle dancing with Katie. Dordles pointed to the other side of the dance floor. “Hey look - smoke machine”. We looked over and saw green smoke around the other end of the dance floor. “Cool” I said, then kept dancing for second. It took my brain a few seconds to work it out. Then I looked back. “Hang on” I said “that’s no smoke machine. That’s a fart cloud!”

  I was right. Almost all at once colored fart clouds started popping up all over the dance floor. Kids were dancing and farting to the music. The fart stew had worked. Light green ones, yellow ones, dark green and almost brown. “Spread out” I said “look out for the super farter.”

  We all spread out across the dance floor. It was like being in fart city. There were farts everywhere. I was trying to dodge smelling them, but keep looking for the Superfarter. It was hard. I had to move like a ninja. Ducking and moving to the side. I even crawled if I had to. Every now and then I would see one of the others. I bumped into dordles crawling on the floor. “Found the super farter?” I said. “No” he said. I yelled across at Pani “Anything?” “No” he said. I looked at Tyler. He was laughing hysterically and running through all the kids. As he ran he would look at kid’s bums and the color of the fart clouds coming out. “No. No. No. No. No.” he said as he looked at each bum. I looked over to Katie she was shaking her head from side to side.

  “Is that smoke?” said Mr. Close. He was a bit worried. He didn’t want to start another big false alarm. He got in lots of trouble from the mums and dads last time. But he wanted to find out what was going on. He walked over to the man playing the music. “Turn that smoke machine off?” he said. The music many looked at him funny “what smoke machine?”

  The gym started to stink. I mean REALLY stink. All the farts mixed together and the cloud was getting darker. All the kids started holding their noses. They kept dancing, but the fart stew was working too well. They kept farting. The fart cloud got bigger and started to fill the room. More farts kept joining in. There was a giant brown cloud over everyone’s head now. I could see Mr. Close talking to the music man. I knew it wasn’t going well.

  I met the others in the middle of the dance floor. “We’re running out of time. We’ve got to find the super farter.” “Bet we’ve looked everywhere” said Pani. “Yes” said Tyler “I’ve checked 132 bums and the super farter is not here”. Katie joined in “He’s right. The worst I’ve seen is a light brownie”. I started laughing. “Light brownie” it sounded so funny when Katie said it.

  Just then I looked over and saw Mrs. Butcher. She was standing at the side of all the kids. A yellow fart cloud was coming out from the bottom of her dress. I pointed at her and started laughing.

  Mr. Close was at the music desk. He was still talking to the music man. A great big green fart cloud started coming out of his pants. The music man looked at him shocked. “The smoke machine is in your pants, Dude”. Then he held his nose. “Fart machine in his pants” I thought “now THAT’S funny”. I was already laughing about the “Light brownie”, and Mrs. Butcher’s yellow fart dress, but the fart machine in the pants thing was too much. I started laughing really hard. My whole body was shaking. Pani, Dordles, Katie and Tyler all started to laugh too.

  Mr. Close was not happy. He turned around and saw the 5 of us laughing at him. Then all the other kids joined in. The thought of the principal doing a big smelly fart was funny. Seeing him standing in his own fart cloud was even funnier. As the kids laughed more he got angrier and angrier. His face went all screwed up and red. Then he yelled “YOU 5. In my office now!” He walked over to the exit doors and pushed them open. The fart clouds started rushing out. Then he put his hand up and pulled down the Fire alarm switch.

  The fire alarm sounded. All the kids ran out the door. Mr. Close came over and grabbed me by the back of the shirt. “COME WITH ME!” he yelled.