The Superfarter

by Cal Osborne

  Chapter 7 - Fart trouble

  Mr. Close, Ms. White and the 5 of us kids were in Mr. Close’s office. We were in trouble, BIG trouble. Mr. Close was really, really mad. I’ve never seen anyone so mad. I could tell he wanted to yell, but he was so mad the words wouldn’t come out. His face was red and his eyes were all squinty. Mostly he looked at me, but sometimes he looked at the others too. He walked back and forwards in front of his desk. He would start to talk, but then stop before he finished saying what he was trying to say. He said things like “In all my years as principal…I….I….” then he would stop. He pointed at me and said “….and you. I can’t believe….”then he’d stop again.

  I felt really bad. Not just because I was in trouble. Not just because my friends were in trouble. It was because our plan didn’t work. The plan was so good. It was the perfect plan. It even worked perfectly. The puffball fartrooms had worked. Katie had made the fart stew taste great. Everyone had eaten the fart stew. The fart clouds were colored just right. But we still hadn’t caught the super farter. How could they have got past us? Everyone who was in the library the day of the super fart was at the disco. And we’d checked everyone. How did we not find the super farter?

  “Are you even listening to me?” yelled Mr. Close. “Huh” I said. I hadn’t been listening to him. I’d been thinking about the super farter. “Tell me what you were thinking?” he said. So I did. I told him about the super farter. I told him about the puffball fartrooms. I told him about Milo’s stinky green fart. I told him about the fart stew we mixed up in my kitchen at home. I told him about how Katie made it taste fantastic. I told him about how the whole plan didn’t work. I told him how I was going to have to go through live with everyone calling me “Danny Farter”. And I told him about how sad I felt about that.

  Mr. Close and Ms. White listened to everything I had to say. Mr. Close’s face looked just as mad the whole time I talked. Ms. White looked different though. As she listened to the story I could see she was worried. She looked sort of sad. When I finished talking she turned to Mr. Close. “Jim” she said. That was Mr. Close’s real name. “If you don’t mind I’d like to deal with this. These are my students and I think I should be the one to choose the punishment. Why don’t you go home and get some rest. Leave this to me.”

  Mr. Close looked glad. I don’t think he wanted to be the one to call our parents and tell them what happened. It was easier for him if Ms. White handled everything. “Thank-you” he said, and he stood up left the room. We were all glad. We looked at each other and gave each other a smile.

  Ms. White followed Mr. Close to the door and closed it behind him. She watched him leave through the door. When he was gone she locked the door and pulled down the blind. She walked slowly back to the front of the desk. She seemed very serious. Then she said “I want to make a deal with all of you. I’m not going to call your parents. You are not going to have detention. You are not going to have to stay back after school, pick up papers or write lines. Nobody will ever know what you’ve done and you’ll not get in any trouble. But you must agree to never, EVER tell anyone what your punishment is.”

  We all looked at each other. We were a bit shocked. No punishment? No trouble at all? This was too good to be true. All we had to do was say nothing and we’d get off with no trouble. I thought Ms. White was the best teacher ever. “Do you agree?” she said. Then she called our names slowly. “Tyler?” “Yes miss” he said. “Pani?” – “Yus Mess” said Pani. “Dale” – “Yes” said Dordles. “Katie?” – “Yes Miss White” said Katie. “Danny?” – “Y-Y-Y-Y- Yes!” I stuttered.

  “OK then” She said “THIS is your punishment”. Then she turned slightly and lifted her leg a little. Her face went a bit funny. She closed one eye. We all looked at each other. We didn’t know what she was doing. Then we saw it. From around Ms. White’s dress a thick black cloud started to appear. It moved slowly, but it was growing in size. “WOW! A black one” said Tyler. None of us had ever seen a black one before. “Black” said Katie shaking her head “Black” she kept saying.

  The cloud began to rise. It crept through the air. It looked like a black ghost. It moved like a snake, twisting through the air. We were so amazed by it we didn’t move. Our eyes and mouths were wide open with shock. It filled the room and crept over to where we were sitting on our chairs. Then it hit us – that smell - that horrible, horrible smell. It was just like it was in the library. It smelled like dog pooh mixed with rotten eggs, off fish, and a dead skunk. Only this time it seemed worse because you could actually see it. As soon as that rotten smell hit my nose I knew – Ms. White was the superfarter!

  The smell was so bad that my eyes went blurry with tears. It made it hard to see, but I could tell Tyler and Katie were trying to climb out the window. Ms. White was holding them in. Pani started to make sick noises again and Dordles jumped out of his chair and ran. Dordles ran. That was amazing. It was the first time the kid had ever moved fast in his life. He really didn’t want to get spewed on by Pani again.

  I just sat there in my chair. I didn’t even move. I could smell the super fart, I knew I should try and escape, but I just couldn’t move. I just sat there in shock. The other kids were screaming. Outside in the hall kids walking past could hear them yelling. They thought we were all getting smacked or something.

  After a few minutes Ms. White opened the windows and let the fart cloud out. The smell was going. I looked around. I saw Katie and Tyler with their heads out the window. They were trying to get some fresh air. Pani was spewing out another window. Dordles was curled up in the corner. Ms. White was patting Pani on the back. “Its okay Pani” she said softly.

  It took a long time for the fart cloud and the smell to go. Once it did we all sat back on our chairs. Ms. White leaned on the principal’s desk. “Now” she said “your punishment is over. But remember your deal. You can never, ever talk to anyone about this. Okay Tyler?” Tyler nodded. “Okay Pani?” “Yus Mess” said Pani. “Okay Katie?” “Okay Miss” said Katie. “Okay Dale” “Yes Miss” said dordles. “Okay Danny?” When I heard my reply I was shocked. I said very clearly and with no stutter “Yes Miss!”

  Chapter 8 - Masterfarter

  Things were better at school after that. Pani, Dordles, Tyler, Katie and I were great friends. We played together almost every day. People stopped calling me Danny Farter. That was because if Pani heard someone call me it he would pick them up and shake them. It was like having my own body guard.

  I never stuttered around Ms. White after that either. I never noticed her pink lolly smell and she didn’t make me feel hungry anymore. It was like her superfart had burned my nose or something. I did sometimes get a stutter around Katie though. That was weird.

  The superfarter never came back after that. Ms. White was more careful. Every now and then I’d see her get up and leave the classroom and go for a walk outside. I knew what she was doing. She was taking her SBD outside so nobody would smell it. We kept our promise too. None of us ever spoke about the superfarter. I did have a joke with her now and then. She’d say something like “Danny, have you finished your maths?” and I’d say “Yes Ms. Black”. Then I’d laugh a little. Nobody else ever knew what I meant, but Ms. White did.

  Katie went back on Mini Mastercook the following year. This time she won. We watched the live finals on TV. The big, fat judge loved her ‘Puffball Mushroom Stifado’. He handed her a giant trophy and said ‘Congratulations Katie’. As he did a black cloud appeared around the back of his Mastercook apron. All the kids on Mini Mastercook and the other judges started holding their noses and running for the door.

  “Oh my god. He’s a Master cook and a super farter. He’s a Masterfarter!” I thought. “Lucky its not smellavision.”

  The End.

 
r: grayscale(100%); -ms-filter: grayscale(100%); filter: grayscale(100%); " class="sharethis-inline-share-buttons">share