The Onion Presents a Book of Jean's Own!

by Jean Teasdale

  (Applause)

  Now, I know tradition dictates that inaugural addresses be lengthy, but it’s going to be a long day, what with the parade and the balls and everything, and we want to squeeze as much fun as we can into every minute. Therefore, I will close by saying that if you want to find out more about my positions, go to www.jeanteasdaleswhitehousefun.org. I will be updating the site every time I get a new idea, so be sure to visit it often.

  (Applause)

  My fellow Americans, the next four years are going to be a challenge, but they’re also going to be the best this country’s ever had. You believed in me enough to elect me to this great office, now permit me to carry out the immense work that lies before me. My office hours, by the way, are 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Monday through Friday, Saturday from noon to 3 p.m., and Sunday I’m closed, but I do check email. God bless each and every one of you, and God bless the United States of America!

  (Deafening applause, shouts of “Jean! Jean! Jean!”)

  Lovin’ from Jean’s Oven

  No. 3: Jean’s “In Your Face, Diabetes!!” Choco-Wallow!

  I may have Type 2 diabetes, but it sure doesn’t have me! As proof, I offer this scrumptious no-bake concoction that will make you feel like you’re mired in a chocolate-filled ditch with no hopes of ever climbing out (yummm)! I try to bake it whenever possible. After all, this is what they make insulin for, am I right?

  Ingredients:

  2 boxes instant chocolate pudding

  3 cups chocolate-flavored whole milk

  9 oz. non-dairy whipped topping

  2 tbsp. chocolate syrup

  About one box (approx. 14 oz.) graham crackers (chocolate-flavored graham crackers or wafers even better!)

  For the frosting:

  3 packets pre-melted unsweetened chocolate, or four blocks of unsweetened chocolate

  3 tsp. corn syrup

  2 tsp. vanilla extract

  3 tbsp. butter or margarine, softened

  3 tbsp. chocolate-flavored whole milk

  1 cups confectioners’ sugar

  19.2 oz. bag M&M’s plain candies (optional, but why hold back?)

  In a bowl, combine the two boxes of instant pudding with the chocolate milk and lovingly transform them into chocolate pudding. This takes a few minutes even with an electric mixer, so feel free to watch your favorite TV shows as you do this! Once the pudding is firm, measure out the whipped topping, add the chocolate syrup to it, mix, then fold the whipped topping into the pudding mixture until completely blended.

  Now it’s time to make the frosting. (If you are using blocks of unsweetened chocolate, first melt them in a double boiler.) In a separate bowl, combine all ingredients, except the M&M’s, and mix. Easy!

  Take out a 9 x 13-inch pan. Cover the bottom with one layer of graham crackers. Then spread a layer of the pudding-whipped topping mixture atop them. Top that with another layer of graham crackers. Spread another layer of pudding-whipped topping mixture. Get the picture? Keep doing it until you come just short of the rim of the pan. Then frost that topmost layer, and dot it with as many M&M’s as you please. Cover the pan tightly and chill in your fridge for at least twenty-four hours.

  Now, it’s very likely you’ll be left with some extra frosting. That’s on purpose—it’s my gift to you for having to wait twenty-four agonizing hours to enjoy a slice of this mocha chocolata ya ya! So treat your tongue to all those batter- and frosting-covered bowls, spoons, and mixing blades (the latter preferably detached from the mixer)! There, not so lifestyle-altering now, eh, Type 2 diabetes?

  (Seriously, don’t eat the Choco-Wallow before the twenty-fourhours are up. The graham crackers have to break down and get mushy first. I know from firsthand experience!)

  It Takes All Kinds!

  Ever notice all the people in the world? They’re everywhere! Not only that, they all have their own personalities. Even my own small corner of the globe is chock-a-block with some real characters! Human diversity is part of what makes life rich and interesting, and the people in my neighborhood don’t disappoint! Yet for all their unique quirks, I think you’d be pretty hard-pressed not to find at least a couple of them verrrry familiar—heck, you might even be one of them! All I can say is, if you’ve gone through life and have never encountered one of these kinds of people, I have to wonder just what the rock you’ve been living under is made of! (J.K.!!!!!)

  Kids Who Mock You in Traffic!

  So, as you’re happily putt-putt-putting along in your merry automobile, a station wagon passes you and pulls in front of you. In the rear is a gang of 11- and 12-year-boys fresh from soccer practice. But instead of talking among themselves or bothering the driver like normal kids, they’ve decided to shower their attention on little old you! They’re making odd faces and some extremely naughty hand gestures—and while you can’t know it for sure, you’re pretty certain that one of them mouthed the words “Do me fat mama.” Maybe they were influenced by all that “M.I.L.M.W.T.” (“Mother I’d Like to Make Whoopee To”—I refuse to be vulgar) stuff on TV, but whatever it is, it makes you wish that whoever was driving would go through a car wash with the windows down, so those kids could get their mouths cleaned out with soap!

  The Old Man Who Winks at You!

  This friendly fellow sure can add some unexpected sunshine to your day! He comes in many different forms: He’s the guy who stands in front of the neighborhood tavern; the guy who mows the lawn of your apartment building; the guy who checks off your name at the polling place; the guy driving the Lincoln Town Car; the guy buying foot cream at the Pamida; the guy awaiting his early-bird special at Ruby Tuesday’s; or even the guy sitting in the women’s department waiting for his wife to try on clothes. You’re not completely sure why you’re a frequent receiver of old-guy winks, but you like to think it’s because you’re doing something right! Maybe you remind him of someone he once knew, or maybe he’s just seeing if his old lady-killer chops still work. Whatever, it’s very sweet and cute! (That is, until he unzips his pants and shows you what’s underneath. Which has happened a couple times.)

  Whoever Drops Off Those Shopper Flyers on Your Front Step!

  Who is this mysterious person? Is it a kid looking to make some extra money? A retired person looking to make some extra money? Beats the heck out of me. I’ve waited outside for hours on my balcony and for some reason I can’t seem to catch him or her in the act. If I go inside for even a few seconds to get a juice or something, I emerge to find a bunch of them on the step. And they’ll show up any time of day; it’s never consistent. Maybe we’re not meant to know who this person (?) is. Sort of like the unknown soul who takes the coins out of the basement washers and dryers every couple weeks. (I gave up on that one years ago.)

  The Bossy Supervisor!

  Where do they find these people, anyhow? In mean camps? Everybody’s had one: If you so much as place your chin in your hand for two seconds she asks you how your work is coming along, or if you would like some more work to do. She keeps an eye on you every time you make a personal phone call. She periodically reminds you of the office dress code, even though only a stone-cold grump would disapprove of someone wearing a pretty pair of strawberry-colored leggings with a beaded panda sweatshirt! And then she promotes the girl who graduated from high school only a few months ago, even though you have tons more work experience and are far friendlier and would have had an incentive to make fewer mistakes if you had gotten the promotion! Sheesh! (Give the Bossy Supervisor 50,000 cc’s of chocolate, stat!)

  The Friend Who Never Calls!

  Guess she’s just busy! Oh well!

  The Medical Clinic Receptionist!

  The Medical Clinic Receptionist is quite a character—actually, she would be at home among some of the Batman villains! She smiles about as often as Mt. Rushmore, cancels your appointment when you’re ten minutes late due to traffic, or makes you fill out a Thorn Birds–sized form, even if you already filled it out the last time you were at the doctor’s! She even gives you
a dirty look when you innocently help yourself to a lollipop from the receptionist station—“Those really are for the children, you know.”

  The Stuck-Up Clothing Store Clerk!

  The Stuck-Up Clothing Store Clerk is the cousin of the Medical Clinic Receptionist! She thinks you’ll shoplift every last nylon knee-high at Dressbarn if she doesn’t keep her leery eyes on you every second. Or worse, she clearly doesn’t think you’re good enough to be shopping at her store. Even the gal at Catherine’s Stout Shoppe has been known to roll an eye or two at your presence! Sheesh again! Maybe you look too much like a fish-out-of-water, particularly if you’re not a big clothing shopper. But once in a while, when you’re forced to try on actual pants, it would be nice if someone could fetch you some larger sizes as you need them. That way you won’t have to leave the fitting room and hobble to the middle of the store in too-tight pants which end up having to be cut off you anyway, and in the process get stuck with a bill for $45.37!

  The Waitress Who Waits On You Last!

  The Waitress Who Waits On You Last is the best friend of both the Medical Clinic Receptionist and the Stuck-Up Clothing Store Clerk! She’s the one who takes your order after the previous table, even though they got seated ten minutes after you. Then it just so happens that the entree you order is the one that takes the kitchen the longest to prepare—or so she claims. Of course, despite her rudeness, the hubby’s busy making eyes at her, and chalks up your disapproval of her service to mere jealousy! Can you believe that? Well, despite all that, you tip her generously, because you remember the days you yourself worked as a waitress, plus you don’t want to rile her up even more. But you’re definitely never coming back to that restaurant again. (Well, at least when she’s working there.)

  Your Best Friend in High School!

  We all had one, and we all remember her fondly. She was the girl who let you eat with her at lunch; who picked you for her volleyball team in gym class, sparing you the humiliation of being picked last by picking you next-to-last; who once gave you a clay bookmark she made in ceramics class; who let you have her used Nikes; and even invited you to her birthday party!

  Years later, at a class reunion at your school, you spotted her right away. As you talked to her, it seemed like no time had passed. It was wonderful; you somehow felt you had come home. Well, at least until she asked you who you were. Totally understandable—you had absentmindedly stuck your nametag in your purse rather than wearing it. Even after you put it on, it took her a couple minutes to realize that you and she were best friends once. You talked for a few more minutes, and she excused herself to use the bathroom. You didn’t see her for nearly two hours. Then you finally came across her in the football field bleachers as she drank and smoked with a bunch of people with whom you had never socialized. She was having so much fun laughing it up with them that you decided it was best to leave her be and cherish your memories. She was really a great gal.

  Ya know, now that I read through this, maybe I really don’t know a lot of different types of people after all. I was going to talk about the Snobby Postal Worker, but then I realized it would be another retread of the Medical Clinic Receptionist, except in a different workplace of course. Guess I should get out more. Or maybe a lot of cranky and narrow-minded jerks happen to live in my town. But on the bright side, perhaps, much like a gorgeous tapestry, cranky and narrow-minded jerks come in all sorts of different colors and textures!

  Jean Salutes Mommies!

  Of all the people I observe in my daily life, I’d have to say the one who has it made the most is the Mommy. After all, Mommies have the most important job in the world, and the most fun one, too! Can you imagine being surrounded all day by adorable kids who love you, and even better, adorable kids who love you and who popped out of your own personal uterus? Well, maybe you can, because you could already be living it! If there are any Mommies who still feel underappreciated these days, well, they haven’t met Jean Teasdale. For they have my instant and undying respect, gratitude, and, might I add, purplest, purplest envy! (Do you see the drool coming out of my mouth?)

  A Mommy commands powers the rest of us don’t—besides being able to give life, which is soooo amazingly incredible, it seems like everything she says and does has, well, a natural air of authority and superiority to it. My poor words can’t do it justice, but I’ve witnessed it firsthand, and it is a wonder to behold. For example, a Mommy can, without asking, enter the middle of a long line with her kids, and no one will object. In fact, the folks in line are often happy to lose a place or two. They’d never tolerate that with a single person, even if that person had to pee real badly. And why should they—after all, where are that person’s kids? At the many jobs I’ve held through the years, common was the refrain “Sue will be late again this morning” or “Pat will be in at 9:45.” And it was perfectly fine, because they were Mommies! Obviously, they had some problems getting the children off to school, or the washing machine broke because someone overloaded it with too many dirty clothes, or baby got his tiny hand stuck in the baby gate. We didn’t think twice about it. Because we’d have to be total ogres to expect a Mommy—who birthed us into this world, after all—to be at work on time along with the childless people. My gosh, even baby-spit-stained T-shirts look like ermine robes on them!

  If I’m working at some job in which I interact with customers, I find it a true privilege to receive a snide remark from a Mommy. Once upon a time, I used to think it was the overreaction of an overwhelmed, stressed-out parent, but that was the selfish way of looking at it. The truth is, I, with my cold and empty baby oven, am simply not her social equal. Only another Mommy can judge a Mommy, and even that depends on how many children she has relative to the Mommy she’s judging, and whether any of them are adopted.

  Just imagine if I was a Mommy. I would be treated with complete respect. If I pushed my child in a stroller, I’d never have to open a door myself. No one would ever second-guess me again. I wouldn’t get weird looks at Gymboree any more. People would smile at me.

  The Mommy, in short, is the empress of the universe. How I sorely wish I were one. Maybe someday, God willing.

  Bartender, Pour Me a Nice, Tall Glass of Shopahol!

  If, by chance, you were at the mall this weekend, and a small tornado made of plastic bags whizzed past you in the parking lot, that was no weather phenomenon: Instead, you unwittingly observed your ol’ pal Jean on a shopping run!

  There are three constants in my life: Hubby Rick, yeast infections (eww but true), and buying things! Even in my most broke and jobless state, I’ve always reserved some disposable income for fun stuff! Although it depends on what you define as “disposable.” As Hubby Rick so sweetly puts it, “The only way any of our income is disposable is if you throw it straight in the trash, which you practically do anyhow!” (See, he never made these types of jokes before he married me—shows how my sense of humor has rubbed off on him!)

  Yep, just call me Jean the hopeless shopaholic! My chronic shopaholism has no easy cure, but the nice part is, I don’t want to be cured! It has brought me oodles of joy and fills in that empty feeling I sometimes get (I call it “the empties”). I don’t know if anyone in my neck of the woods requires the services of a personal impulse shopper, but if there is, they should contact me lickety-split. I have a lot of free time (or when I don’t, I can make it), and I work cheap! If you don’t believe in my shopping prowess, you need only stick your nose in my shopping bags. This is—I kid you not!—a list of items I bought in just one weekend:

  Precious Moments “Take It on the Lamb” figurine—The Precious Moments folks do it again! I’m an avid P.M. collector, and my latest acquisition is an unbelievably megacute figurine of two boy and girl moppets bandaging a lamb. Not sure if they’re bandaging the lamb because they’re playing doctor, or if the lamb is actually injured. Whichever, it’s utterly adorable (I assume the lamb represents Jesus). The best $50 I spent this week!

  Eight scented candles—Did you know tha
t Jean Teasdale is the original aromatherapist? It’s true—since I inhaled deeply from my first room air freshener as a small child, I knew that lovely odors could have a direct and positive effect on your mood! I’ve always loved floral fragrances, but in the last few years I’ve graduated to more unconventional scents like fresh rainwater and baking gingerbread. Guess it’s all about becoming more sophisticated! The biggest treat about scented candles is lighting them all at once and letting their fragrances waft and mingle. In minutes, my home smells like an apple cinnamon lavender lilac violet orange blossom sandalwood sea breeze! (They also make for a great Hubby Rick repellent!)

  Campbell’s Soup Kids salt and pepper shakers—Just another set for my collection! Acquiring salt and pepper shakers is a longtime hobby of mine, too. I’m no shrink, but I think it’s my way of coping with my debilitating pepper allergy. It’s true—if I come into contact with pepper, I start sneezing like crazy! (Gotcha! Had you for a second there, didn’t I?)

  Sillier String—Saw this at the Park ‘N Pik and I just had to find out exactly why this string was sillier than the classic original! The answer: Every few feet, the string suddenly comes out in a humungous clot, and as it does it makes a very rude noise! It’s like the can is sick or something. Okay, it was a waste of money, and afterwards I spent a long time cleaning up all the gunk in the living room, but I must admit, it suckered me, and you don’t discover anything new unless you take risks!