The Onion Presents a Book of Jean's Own!

by Jean Teasdale

  Ballerina hippo top with glitter—Okay, get your defibrillator ready for this one, because you’re in for a huge shock: There is one thing I hate shopping for—clothes! I’m about as eager to try on a pair of jeans as I am about contracting mad cow disease! (Yuck!) But if there’s one item of clothing I can’t resist, it’s a top with cute things embroidered on it. A lavender-colored cotton pullover top with a ballerina hippo design appeals to that little Garanimals wearer that still lives inside me. (Like Peter Pan and Michael Jackson, I’ve never grown up!) What’s more, it was only $8.99 at the Pamida, marked down from $13.99! It’s so nice, I think I will reserve it only for special occasions in which I must dress to impress. A job interview, for example.

  “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament—Okay, okay, it’s not Christmas, and it’s not baby’s first. In fact, there’s no baby. But this was an absolute can’t-resist must-have! A darling little ceramic baby sleeping on a glitter-covered Star of Bethlehem? Would I pass that one over? Please, what am I, dead?

  Interesting foreign snack food—Dollar General is my commanding officer! I can’t resist stopping in there at least once a week to see what new stock it has. Lately I’ve been enjoying this chicken-flavored noodle-looking stuff in its food section. I don’t know what it’s called, because the package is printed in Oriental. Hubby Rick refuses to try any of it, because he thinks that any food made by Orientals, even fried rice, is made up of “at least one-quarter cat”! Hoo-boy, how narrow-minded can you get? At least there’s one adventurous person in the family!

  Anyhow, get this—besides being all in an unreadable language, the noodle snack’s package is decorated with a black child in a grass skirt and a bone through his nose. I don’t get the connection. I would think the mascot would be a child with slitty eyes and a triangle hat. Maybe it is indeed a misprint, which would explain why they’re at Dollar General. Ah well (or should I say “Ah so”?). The snacks satisfy my hankering for the savory, but I wish the Oriental candies at Dollar General could quench my craving for the sweet. So far I’ve only sampled these little chewy waxy things with a cute white bunny on the package. But the white bunny is the only thing in their favor (and flavor!). It’s made me reluctant to try the other sweets there. I suppose that’s where my adventurousness ends; if this is the Oriental version of sweet, what if everything else tastes like fish or soy sauce?

  “Greetings Pussy” soap dispenser—Another Dollar General find! Some genius in one of those Oriental countries (again!) came up with an affordable alternative to Hello Kitty for the budget-minded cute connoisseur (namely yours truly!). Thoughtful! Only sometimes the English on these items is a little strange—I have a clipboard decorated with a cute frog playing soccer, and underneath him reads the inscription “Always endeavor magisterially for triumph.” I don’t think English speakers usually talk that way. Except maybe in England.

  Corn holders shaped like smaller pieces of corn—Yet another Dollar General gem! You can’t have enough of these things! Especially when sometimes the yellow plastic parts get eaten along with the real corn. (I confess, both the hubby and I are guilty.)

  Kitty Dizzier—Look what the Jean dragged in—yep, yet another kitty toy! In fact, Casa Teasdale wouldn’t be Casa Teasdale without a living room two inches deep in kitty toys! My latest acquisition is the “Kitty Dizzier,” which is jingle-bells, tinsel, and a cute little crocheted snake tied to a plastic rod. It may not sound impressive, but the clerk at the pet supply store said her own kitty went nuts for it, so what can I say? I had to have my Priscilla and Garfield test it out. Well, so far, Prissy has lived up to her name and simply walked into the bedroom after I wiggled it at her. Garfield, however, hasn’t left its side since I brought it home! No, he hasn’t chased after it—instead, he plopped down beside it and licked the snake. And he’s still at it! Okay, so Garfield’s a little—how shall I say—unique. I think it comes out of the same side of him that tries to mate with the bath rug. But it’s part of what makes our feline friends so very endearing, right?

  Girl tools—I still can’t believe what a find this was. Whoever conceived this idea is a genius! They took regular hand tools like pliers, wrenches, screwdrivers, hex keys, a hammer, a tape measure, etc., and decorated their handles with a pretty floral pattern, then encased them all in a pink tool box! Voilà—at long last, tools for us without Y chromosomes, and they’re no longer in embarrassing and ugly colors like black and gray! Move over big boys—guess you’re not the only act in town anymore!

  I couldn’t wait to show Hubby Rick that I now had my very own tools. At first he didn’t get it, saying that we already had a tool kit. When I opened the case, he laughed and said they were garbage and he had much better tools in his truck. I should have known he’d say something like that! Rick always tries to take the air out your sails when you have something over him. Then he said, “I bet you paid like fifty bucks for them, didn’t you?” Nooooo, smarty pants! Try $46.99! And they were on sale! So who’s the tool now, Rick?

  I can’t wait until we have a plumbing or radiator problem, so I can put all my girl tools in action and show Rick what real girl power is! (Well, except for the hammer. As I was testing it against the kitchen table, the hammerhead flew off and put a dent in the drywall.)

  A frog-with-a-fishing-pole figurine you hang off the edge of your computer monitor—Self-explanatory, but a real day-brightener! One of those silly things that keep my spirits up! My only criticism of it so far is that the little string hanging off his pole obscures the screen a smidge. It creates a bit of a distraction as I write. No problem though, it just keeps me on my toes!

  A humdinger of a list, am I right? And I’m not even counting necessities like cotton balls, milk, light bulbs, and beer! As for holiday shopping, forget it! You don’t want to even be near me! All I can say is, don’t reach for something too close to me at the clearance jewelry table at T.J.Maxx—you might draw back a bloody stump! Just kidding!! I am not really a violent person. But I do like shopping for the holidays.

  The Needle’s Approaching Empty, Jeanketeers

  Is it too late for you Jeanketeers to form a prayer circle for me? I think I’ll need some divine intervention to finish this book. Then again, if you’re reading this, it most likely means that I did finish the book, and it got published. But the Jean of the present doesn’t know this. All she knows is, she has sixty pages left, and no earthly idea how to fill them.

  I must confess something rather embarrassing. I rarely finish anything I set out to accomplish. Jobs, craft projects, you name it. It’s like I never have closure. I work at a job for a couple months and then I get my pink slip. No satisfying exit, no “moving on to better things,” not even a lousy going-away party with Hawaiian Punch and stale cupcakes from the supermarket! And my hallway closet is spilling over with empty oatmeal boxes. Oatmeal boxes that are loudly crying out at me to become piggy banks with push-pin legs! Wonderful, but when, Jean, when?

  Speaking of crafts, right now I’m staring at a hook rug of a frog that is draped over the rattan chair in my bedroom. I began it around Easter of last year. It’s only one-quarter finished. I only hooked the top part of the yellow background and his white eyes. A pair of huge, white, unblinking eyes, staring at me, never breaking their gaze. Eyes that follow me as I walk around the room. Mocking eyes!

  I know it must seem strange that a veteran newspaper columnist is having problems finishing her own book. You’re probably wondering why I just can’t apply the same discipline I use in my column-writing. The truth is, I’m good at words—I’m just not used to writing a thousand of them every day! Have you ever tried it? Well, if you haven’t, don’t judge!

  I find it a little suspicious that no one from the beginning of this project has offered to help me. Don’t authors often use ghostwriters? I remember reading that one of my all-time favorite romance-novel authors had someone else write her last ten books for her. At the time, I felt crushed, and even cheated. But now I fully comprehend the beautiful and
perfect sense of it. Writing sucks up soooo much of your precious time. When you factor in all the time you spend merely thinking about what to write, you practically get an eternity! You can spend hours at your kitchen table (or, as I prefer to call mine, breakfast nook) in front of a ream of Wind Song–scented stationery and barely eke out a single sentence. While all this is happening, or not happening, life is passing you by! The sun is shining, a refreshing breeze teasingly blows your curtains, and you’re missing all kinds of great daytime TV!

  I just put the frog rug in a drawer. But I can still feel his eyes.

  No one told me anything about hiring a ghostwriter. I will have to take that up with the publisher. It doesn’t seem professional not to at least offer the option. If I had to do it over, I definitely would’ve hired a Jeanketeer to write at least half of this book. Oh, you Jeanketeers know my voice. Just talk about chocolate and cats, then rhymes-with-witch about Hubby Rick and you’re there! Okay, bitch! Bitch! I said it! I just swore! BITCH! Here’s another one—damn! DAMNATION TO HELL!

  Sorry. Just having one of those days! I really don’t know what else to add. I guess that’s what they mean by writer’s block. If anything, this proves beyond a doubt that I didn’t use a ghostwriter, because if I had, you wouldn’t be reading any of this!

  Jean’s Trivial Purr-suit!

  1. What is my favorite household chore?

  a) Vacuuming

  b) Laundry

  c) Dishes

  d) Wiping down the mini-blinds

  The answer is, natch, d, wiping down the mini-blinds! Can’t tell you why, but I get a lot of pleasure out of cleaning the grime off each blade with a paper towel dipped in a solution of Mr. Clean and water. I mean, a lot of pleasure. Sometimes I clean my mini-blinds three times a week. I probably have the cleanest ones in town! (My cats’ litter box, however, is a different story!) All I can say is, if cleaning your mini-blinds several times a week is wrong, then I don’t want to be right!

  2. The following cartoon character does NOT adorn any piece from my prize jelly jar collection:

  a) Foghorn Leghorn

  b) Mario

  c) Smurfs

  d) Muppets

  The answer is b, Mario! Never really cottoned to any of those video game characters, maybe because Hubby Rick played (plays) video games so much! You know, as I look over my dozens of jelly jars, it strikes me that I’ve eaten an enormous amount of grape jelly through the years. It makes me feel a bit nauseous. I should get my mind off it! Think of kittens! Think of kittens! (Oh, now I’m thinking of kitten jelly, which is even worse!!)

  3. What are the names of the children I one day hope to have?

  a) Rhett, Schuyler, and Antoinette

  b) Tyler, Taylor, and Tai

  c) Quentin, Holden, and Courtney

  d) Arrowsmith, Scout, and Fonzie Lou

  If you answered letter b, you were warm—those are the names of my brother Kevin’s kids. Answer c is way off, though—I absolutely despise the name Quentin. It’s almost as bad as Mitchell. Instead, the answer is a, Rhett, Schuyler, and Antoinette! They’re the perfect combination of romance, historical reference, and pure class. Plus I can call the girl a coveted “i” name—Toni! (See “The Name Game” to get what I mean). However, give yourself partial credit if you answered choice d. Those are the names I would consider if I became super-famous, like Angelina Jolie famous.

  4. What was my hair color as a child?

  a) Dark brown

  b) Black

  c) I did not have hair

  You seriously thought I didn’t have hair as a child? Puh-lease! I wasn’t a freak! The answer is a, dark brown. (It’s my hair color as an adult as well, proving that yes, brunettes do have more fun!)

  5. At what age did I start wearing glasses?

  a) 5

  b) 11

  c) 19

  The answer is b, 11. I didn’t really need them, but my mom somehow talked our family optometrist into corrective lenses for me because she argued my eyesight would get worse anyway and it would teach me humility as I entered my “awkward years.” While my mom was technically right about my eyes getting worse, to this day I’m not really sure how she managed to convince a professional eye doctor to prescribe thick glasses to a girl with 20-20 eyesight. Then again, my mom’s powers of persuasion have always been very strong.

  6. What was I arrested for back in 2000?

  a) Choking Hubby Rick

  b) Shoplifting circus peanuts from the Pamida

  c) Breaking into a school

  Answer a only belongs in the realm of fantasy, folks! And I would never, ever do c. That is just wrong. It was my brother Kevin who broke into the school. He tried to steal big cans of rubber cement and turpentine from the art room and got caught by the night janitor. As I mentioned earlier, he had a side business selling trucker stimulants, and he thought he would get into the gluehead market, too. (Kevin has really turned his life around and is practically a different person. He’s a born-again Christian now!) No, I shoplifted the circus peanuts. It was a rough time. I had just lost a job and I was feeling kind of lost. But worry not—I’m fully rehabilitated now. I will never steal circus peanuts again, cross my heart!

  7. What was my worst job ever?

  a) Data entry at SouthCentral Insurance

  b) Picking up trash along Highway DX

  c) Giving out restaurant flyers in a cow costume

  This is a little bit of a trick question, I’m afraid! If you answered b, you would be wrong. True, it was a terrible job, but it wasn’t technically a job for pay. It was actually my community service punishment for shoplifting from the Pamida. C is incorrect as well. Wearing a cow costume and passing out flyers? If only! Sadly, I’ve never been one of the lucky chosen. I saw a person doing it the other day for a new steakhouse that just opened, and I bet you could spot the green on my face for blocks around. The answer is a, data entry at SouthCentral Insurance. That job was a real soul-killer, as I previously noted. I got a lot of flak for my lack of keyboard skills (their opinion, not mine!), but I eventually got fired from it for using the internet during work hours. Turns out losing that job was a blessing! It eventually led to my stint at Fashion Bug. Okay, maybe it wasn’t so much a blessing, because I lost the Fashion Bug job, too.

  8. In a 1995 column, “Daydreaming for Fun (If Not Profit!!)” I described a new color. What was it?

  a) Blacknge

  b) Pinklow

  c) Broud

  The answer is c, broud! It’s the color of the inside of your eyelids when you shut your eyes tight and push the ball of your hand up against your closed eyes. Seriously, it’s a very unusual color, and one I’ve never seen depicted anywhere or overheard mentioned. It’s sort of like a burgundy-green, but that description falls far short. Strangely, the people in charge of colors have never contacted me about it. (Who are they, by the way?) Also, the color broud smells like nutmeg. I kid you not!

  SCORES

  If you got 7–8 questions right…

  You know so much about me I should take out a restraining order against you! J.K.!!!!

  If you got 5–6 questions right…

  Not bad, but your Jeanketeer status is a bit shaky.

  If you got 3–4 questions right…

  You need to bone up on your Jean studies.

  If you got 0–2 questions right…

  I can’t help but feel a little hurt.

  Jean’s Letters to God, Book II

  Dear God,

  If there is indeed alien life on other planets, do You love them as much as You do us? Even if they’re all green or look like giant insects and lay eggs in hosts’ chests and that sort of thing? Really?

  Love,

  Dear God,

  Why did You pick Roman times to send Your only Son to us to redeem our sins? I ask just because it was such a long time ago, and most people today aren’t very interested in ancient history. To them, anything longer than fifty years ago is practically caveman days. Why didn’
t You send Him now, when life is so much more complicated? Plus, overall it would have been safer for Your son. We don’t have crucifixion anymore, and people today are inclined to be smarter and nicer and are into self-help and spiritual stuff. Jesus could have been on TV. Then we could just have the coming of the Antichrist and Armageddon and all that stuff later. I’m not saying You were wrong—You’re God, after all, and You call the shots—but I’m just wondering why the Roman times to send down Jesus.

  Love anyhow,

  Dear God,

  Remember that Raggedy Ann sweatshirt I used to wear in high school? Well, one day when I was sixteen, it disappeared. You must remember this: It went missing from my locker after third period gym class, and the gym teacher gave me a holey (not holy, I mean it had holes), worn-out boy’s T-shirt for me to wear around for the rest of the day, and the fabric was so thin you could see my bra underneath! I tried to get my Mom to pick me up from class early, but she said no because I needed my education, so everyone saw my predicament and made fun of me. Well, that’s all water under the bridge now. But I loved that sweatshirt and I’ve long yearned to find out what happened to it. I will accept whatever fate it met, I just want to know.

  Love,

  Dear God,

  I just wanted to thank You for the glorious sunset You blessed us with today. It looked just like one of those photos you see of a tropical beach, even though it was just in my neighborhood. It made me feel good.